Sometimes I wish I was a different person, I wish to look in my bathroom mirror and not see my reflection. That reflection of a boy who's been through much yet still manages to put on a smile and fool the entire world in process. I wish I wasn't that weak boy, I wish I wasn't that pathetic boy who cuts himself to release the pain, that worthless boy who cries himself to sleep. But most of all I wish I wasn't that boy who fell in love with a boy who doesn't even acknowledge his existence. A boy whom I believe is the one. A boy that I will never tell how I truly feel. A boy that I will never have the privilege of calling him mine.
I was in our school music room strumming my acoustic-electric guitar, trying to practice a new song for the last few days. I had a few tears threatening to drop because this song was everything that I've felt each minute for the last 3 years.
Strip away the flesh and bone
Look beyond the lies you've known
Everybody wants to talk about a freak
No one wants to dig that deep
Let me take you underneath
Baby, better watch your step
Never mind what's on the left
You're gonna see things you might not wanna see
It's still not that easy for me underneath
A red river of screams
Underneath
Tears in my eyes
Underneath
Stars in my black and blue sky
And underneath
Under my skin
underneath, the depths of my sin
Look at me
Now do you see?
"That's a really heartbreaking song."Oh my god, what the hell is he doing here? Haven't the fates tormented me enough? How am I supposed to talk to him when I can't even find my voice?
"I know." I mumbled under my breath too quiet for me to even hear it.
"I'm sorry for interrupting, I was just captivated by your voice and ahem the song."He said softly before making his way towards me and before I was able to thank him he smiled nervously and gasped "You're James Diamond."
"How do you know me?" I whispered, madly blushing. How in god's name does The Kendall Knight know about me?
"I-I-I you're the pretty boy who my team mates bully." He said in a sad tone before adding "Sorry." In a hushed voice.
"It's okay, it's not your fault." I muttered giving him a small smile that as usual didn't reach my eyes or my heart. It's really hurting me to know that I'm nothing to him but the weak pretty boy that gets teased and bullied by some hockey heads.
"I don't do anything to stop them, so it kinda of is." Kendall whispered dejectedly while looking at my guitar.
"It's fine. I'm used to it." I said in a pathetic and weak voice as I put down my guitar and finally stood up.
"You shouldn't be treated that way." He said with a kind smile, his green bottle eyes boring into my hazel ones making me go weak in the knees.
"It doesn't really matter anymore." I mumbled after swallowing the lump forming in my throat and fighting back the tears that were threatning to fall any minute but I just couldn't show any weakness before him.
"Wh-what do you mean?" Kendall stuttered looking completely shocked, his eyes filled with worry. He doesn't care James. No one does. You're alone in this world. You accepted that a long time ago.
"I think you should go."
"James…"
"Please Kendall just leave me alone it's better for both of us." I sighed as I finally let a solitary tear made its journey down my cheek. "Please leave."
"I'm really sorry for what they're doing." He said as he offered heartwarming smile and left the music room.
You did the right thing James. You don't need pity from anyone. Remember that you're almost close to ending everything. Don't let Kendall be the bump in the road. Don't let him be the one to stop you from ending your life.