Disclaimer- I don't own Buffy, Twilight and have no rights to Stephenie Meyer. This is done purely for fun and I in no way profit.
Killing Edward Cullen Buffy style
Buffy sighed in frustration. It had been a hard couple of years ever since that book came out. It was made worse by those crappy movies with those shitty actors who made way too much money while Buffy was barely surviving the recession. She simply couldn't understand it. How was 'Twilight' popular? As someone who was stalked and had a person watch her sleep (Angelus) she could tell anyone that it was not romantic it was creepy! On top of that who wanted to be with someone who whined ALL the time? Buffy did go through a whining period (hello ripped out of heaven what was Bella's excuse?) and most people do but damn that Bella girl complained for four books about it and Edward was just as bad! Buffy slammed the door of her room behind her and found Dawn on the couch with the evil book!
"Did you get attacked by fan girls again?"Dawn asked sympathetically. Buffy pouted and nodded. She eased off what was left of her coat. The crazy vampire loving bitches had ripped off the leather sleeves.
"I'm a vampire slayer I'm supposed to kill the evil, soulless, fiends, but these people love vampires! I wonder if things were this bad when 'Dracula' was published"
"At least Stoker presented the vampires accurately," Dawn pointed out. She put the big book of flowery prose down on the coffee table and gave her full attention to her sister. "So what happened exactly?"
"Well I was coming back from the cemetery and I walked past this alley and these girls were hanging out with this guy who was so obviously a vampire and he was about to bite them so I staked him and instead of being grateful they came after me and were screaming 'he's our Edward, 'he's our Edward! I was so shocked I let them ruin my brand new jacket before I could run away!"
"I'm sorry sis," Dawn said.
"Why are you reading that devil book anyway?" Buffy questioned glaring at the published fan fiction. Dawn looked guilty.
"I was curious," Dawn admitted. "I started reading and I'll admit that I was a little swept up and then I started reading this one 'Breaking Dawn' and it was pure crap. This book is a menace to society Buffy and I've gotten calls from Angel and Spike. Spike say's these girls call him Jasper and they want him to bite them and marry them. Angel has had grown women come up to him and beg him for a vampire baby. This is getting out of hand and the evil vampires are loving it. It's like free bait."
"I know Dawnie we need to find a way to stop this, but I just don't know how. Maybe we should call a scooby meeting!" Buffy exclaimed trying to hide her anger at the fact that women were coming up to Angel and wanting babies. If Angel were able to have babies (besides that one time with Darla) they would be for Buffy. Buffy then started thinking about if Angel were human….
"Defiantly," Dawn agreed bringing Buffy out of her day dream. "I'll call everyone right now."
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Half an hour later Giles, Xander, Willow, Dawn, and Buffy were gathered together discussing the problem at hand.
"This is an epidemic," Giles said after Buffy's presentation. "I have been looking back in the watchers diaries and not even the publication of 'Dracula' led to this much trouble for the slayer."
"So what do we do Giles?" Buffy asked. "I've gotten reports from slayers everywhere complaining about this. Some slayers even got killed because they thought vampires were sparkly and cool like friken Edward Cullen!"
"What a fairy," Xander snorted. "I mean come on are we to believe that vampires sparkle?"
"Giles what do we do?" Buffy pleaded.
"Dawn if you please," Giles motioned. Dawn handed Giles the old watchers diary. "I have a theory."
"Does it involve magic?" Willow asked hopefully. Ever since she got over her fear of going dark she started to enjoy magic again.
"Possible," Giles told her. "Since Bram Stokers Dracula proved to be a real vampire I think that this Edward Cullen might be real as well."
"So you're saying…?" Buffy asked.
"We should kill Stephenie Meyer!" Xander supplied helpfully.
"No Xander," Giles replied. "This Stephenie Meyer is a human who is probably being used by this Edward fellow. We need to break his hold and scare this so called writer into never writing ever again."
"But if we kill Edward won't these fan girls come after us?" Willow asked.
"Not if we film how bad he is and show the world," Giles said. "Now who here is good with a video camera?"
"I think I know someone," Xander said helpfully.
"Okay so we have that settled," Buffy cut in. "How do we find Edward Cullen?"
"I think that's where I come in," Willow said. "I'm going to do a locator spell."
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"So let me get this straight," Andrew said playing with his video camera. "You are going to hunt down the dreamiest vampire ever written into fiction and you want me to film it?"
"Yes," Xander said.
"Okay," Andrew agreed. "I'm Team Jacob anyway. Besides the love between a human and the vampyre is supposed to end in tragedy and if I wanted to see that I could just get Buffy drunk and ask her about Angel. Do you think those two star crossed lovers will ever get back together?"
"Andrew are you in or out?"
"I'm in just tell me what to do," Andrew replied.
"Get a bag packed and meet us at the airport in two hours," Xander instructed handing a ticket to Andrew. "Were going to Forks, Washington."
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Willow, Xander, Andrew, and Buffy landed in the small, rainy, town of Forks hours later. When they grabbed their luggage and got a rental car Buffy called Dawn and Giles to make sure they arrived safely in Phoenix, Arizona. While Buffy and the gang were hunting down the 'vampire' that had caused such a fuss, Giles and Dawn were going to Stephenie Meyer's house to make sure she never got anything published ever again!
"So where exactly is the sparkle fairy?" Buffy asked. Willow closed her eyes and focused.
"Xander turn left up here," she directed. Xander complied and they veered off on a dirt road. Xander continued driving.
"So what do you think of that new Vampire Diaries show?" Andrew asked. "Everyone seems to want Elena with Stefan, but I think he's stuffy and Damon is way more fun not to mention he has those dreamy eyes… oh and Elena is cute too."
"Andrew?" Buffy asked.
"Yes?"
"Shut up." Andrew didn't argue.
"Pull up here," Willow said.
"Are you sure Will it's an abandoned building." Xander pointed out. Sure enough the small shack looked like no one had occupied it in years.
"I'm sure," Willow said. Xander pulled up and stopped the car.
"So we all know the plan?" Buffy asked pulling out a stake. They all nodded. "Andrew, get your camera ready." The gang exited the car and headed towards the building.
"Doors locked," Xander said pulling on the knob. Buffy kicked it and it flew off its hinges. "That was my next step."
"Slayer!" Came the voice of a figure in the darkness. "At last you've come. I've been waiting for you!" He lunged.
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"Now Dawn I want you to be on your most giggly and fan girlish behavior alright?" Giles instructed. The pair found the address to Stephenie Meyer's house and were walking up the drive. Thanks to Giles's magic's it had been easy to gain access.
"I got it Giles," Dawn said rolling her eyes. Giles hid himself behind some shrubbery while Dawn rang the door bell.
"Hello?" the unsuspecting writer said answering the door.
"Oh my Edward!" Dawn squealed. "Your Stephenie Meyer right! Like do you have a minute to talk? I want to interview you for my high school paper!" Stephenie steeped out of her house and closed the door behind her.
"Dear I would love to, but you have to go through my agent and-" She was cut off by Giles grabbing her from behind and smothering her with a chloroform laced handkerchief.
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Buffy pushed Xander out of the way and took the hit from Edward.
"Catch this on tape Andrew!" She yelled. Andrew already had the camera out and had caught everything that had happened. Buffy threw Edward off of her and out into the day light.
"Merciful Zeus!" Xander exclaimed "He really does glitter like Libeachi at a New Year's party!"
"Holy Goddess!" Willow agreed.
"You're not a vampire!" Buffy accused. He smirked.
"No," he agreed. "I'm not, but I love that everyone thinks they are so good and cuddly. Its fun watching young girls throw themselves at vampires."
"You're an evil fairy aren't you!" Xander accused.
"No!" Edward said gritting his teeth.
"Then what the hell are you?" Buffy asked. "And why do you have against me?"
"For years I have been over looked and laughed at in the demon community. I have never been taken seriously because of what I am and I grew sick of it but luckily for me Stephenie Meyer conjured me and gave me my powers!"
"What powers?" Buffy asked with a raised eye brow. "Because with a little glitter we can all sparkle." Edward roared and threw a punch at Buffy who blocked it and then kicked him. "Ow! What the hell is up with your skin it's really hard!"
"I bet you will take me seriously now!" Edward said hitting Buffy and sending her across the property. Willow sent a flash of power at him but it bounced back and narrowly missed Willow.
"This is not good!" The red headed witch said.
"Buffy!" Xander called throwing a stake at his friend. Buffy caught it and tried to force it into Edwards bare, pasty, sparkly, chest. To her annoyance the stake splintered.
"I'm too powerful now!" Edward said. "Don't you see I am fueled by the power of my adoring fans! I am unstoppable!"
"Would you please stop talking?" Buffy asked. "I already suffered through the movies dude and you're really annoying!" Edward caught Buffy in the stomach sending her rolling across the lawn. "Today is not my day," she wheezed.
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Stephenie Meyer tired to open her heavy lids. What had happened? Where was she? Why did she feel so sleepy? She looked around the dark room. She realized that she was tied to a chair. "Finally," came a female voice. "I was beginning to think you would never wake up." She looked up and saw the girl who had come to her door and an older man with glasses.
"What do you want from me?" She asked with a trembling voice. "You can have money I have plenty of money."
"We don't want money," The man said with an English accent. "We need information."
"Anything!"
"Where did Edward Cullen come from and what is he?" She laughed nervously.
"He's a fictional character he came from a dream!" The girl came close to the writers face and looked her right in the eyes.
"Maybe your little brain can't comprehend this, but there are REAL vampires out there and thanks to you people think there all virginal, romantic, and loving creatures and now thanks to you they are getting killed so you tell us what you know and maybe we'll let you live!"
"Dawn that's quite enough," the man said pulling the girl away. Stephenie whimpered. "Why my young friend may be a bit misguided she is very right. You are directly responsible for the death of many people not to mention the failure of logic and the dictionary."
"Giles?" Dawn questioned.
"Sorry I just noticed when I read the series how illogical it was. I mean 24 and 25 chromosomes would lead to severe genetic defects not super powers and what is with you and the word chagrin? You don't even use it in the right context most of the time."
"Giles not now Buffy might be in trouble."
"Yes, well, I used to be a librarian" he pointed out. "Tell us what you know."
"I kept dreaming of him every night," She began. "He was all I could think about and then I started hearing his voice so I started writing down what it said and then he appeared! He said that if I wrote his story and got it published he would be strong enough to exist here! I did everything he said and he said that when the movies were done he would come for me and take me away from all of this! He and I will be together forever! I am his Bella and I won't give him up!" SLAP! The author gasped in shock. Dawn had slapped her hard across the face.
"Get a hold of you self woman and grow up! You're in your thirties!" Dawn screamed. "He is using you! He will never be with you!"
"Calm down Dawn." Giles said in a low, but authoritative voice. "You're going to tell us what he is or I'm going to show you why they used to call me the ripper." The author gulped. This Giles was scarier than any of the one dimensional villains she had ever written.
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Buffy was getting really tired of being thrown around like a rag doll. She hadn't been hurt like this since Glory. She didn't know how, but this sparkelpire was beating her.
"His skin is impervious to magic!" Willow wailed. Xander and Willow watched helplessly as their friend was being tossed around by an abusive scumbag dildo fairy. Edward threw Buffy down again and this time she was struggling to get up.
"You're getting boring slayer," he told her. "Maybe I should go play with your other friends." He started walking towards Xander and Willow.
"Team Jacob!" Andrew yelled distracting Edward.
"Even when I make him a pedophile people still like him more than me," Edward said annoyed. "Don't film my right side I want to look good for my close up." He stormed towards the helpless Andrew.
"Hey!" Buffy yelled catching Edwards arm and whipping him across the yard. "No one messes with the nerd he's a part of the group."
"Thanks Buffy!" Andrew said grinning.
"Your welcome now get the rest of this on camera alright?"
"Ma'am yes ma'am!" Buffy headed back into battle against Edward Cullen.
"We need to find this things weaknesses!" Willow told Xander. Before Xander could reply his phone rang. He answered it before the second ring.
"Hello?" Xander said while he put the phone on speaker.
"Xander its Giles listen Edward isn't a vampire."
"We're way ahead of you on that one Giles. Did you know he sparkles!"
"Really?" Anyway he is purely a smut fantasy perfect character demon. This Stephenie Meyer was susceptible to his advances this demon kept infiltrating her dreams until she started writing what he told her until he became real. He gets his powers from his admirers. That's why he is so strong!"
"Why does he sparkle?" Willow asked curiously.
"Perhaps it's a smutty overload of some kind or his perceived perfectness. Anyway these types of demons have only manifested a few times but never to this caliber. Coincidentally the author-"
"How do we kill it?" Xander interrupted Giles's history lesson.
"Oh yes you need to say its name three time like beetlejuice," Giles said.
"And his name is?"
"Gary-Stu!"
"Next time we're in a crisis just open with how to kill it and you can tell us about it later!" Xander said hanging up. "Gary-Stu, Gary-Stu, Gary-Stu!"
"What the?" Buffy said watching her opponent start to shake furiously.
"Buffy back away!" Willow warned. She didn't need telling twice. She ran towards her friends. Edward/Gary-Stu was now twitching all over the place and then BOOM! An eruption of glitter filled the air.
"Please tell me you got that on tape?" Xander asked Andrew.
"I did," Andrew said shutting the camera. "I think I'm going to play 'I feel pretty' during this moment when I edit the tape."
"So what do you guys want to do now?" Buffy asked her friends.
"We could go check out La Push," Andrew suggested.
"Nah."
"How about we catch a flight to Vegas?" Willow suggested. "I wouldn't mind seeing Bette Midler"
"Bette Midler is amazing!" Andrew exclaimed causing the group to laugh.
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A week after the great Gary-Stu battle Buffy and the gang save for Giles sat around the TV with excited anticipation. Their exposes was on what Edward Cullen really was, was about to air on CNN.
"Oh look its Anderson Cooper!" Dawn gushed. "He is so dreamy.
"He really is," Buffy agreed.
"He does have that handsome, powerful, handsomeness to him. And it's really sexy how he is all into his journalism…if you're into that sort of thing." Andrew said popping pop corn into his mouth. The rest of the gang ignored him and turned their attention to the TV.
"Twilight," Anderson began, "its harmless writing right? Wrong. There is now evidence to show that not only is Edward real, but that he is not a vampire, he is a Gary-Stu." CNN then showed the footage that Andrew had collected. "Mrs. Meyer has released a statement: "I am sorry for the pain I have caused by allowing Gary-Stu to gain power. I would like to emphasize that vampires are evil and should be avoided. I also apologize to the Quileute people for misrepresenting their culture. Also, I'm sorry for killing logic and my overuse of the word chagrin and using big words where they clearly don't belong just to sound smarter. I promise not to publish anymore of my work thank you for your understanding."
"At least the world will never be inflicted to that woman's writings ever again," Willow said. When the report ended Xander grabbed the remote and turned the channel to MTV so he could watch Jersey Shore.
"Xander this show is a train wreck," Buffy pointed out.
"Exactly," Xander replied.
"Buffy it's terrible!" Giles said rushing into the room.
"Giles you missed CNN." Willow told him.
"I know but you must listen we have a problem!"
"What is it?" Buffy asked standing up.
"Gary-Stu's always have a mate," Giles explained. "We need to find and kill the Mary-Sue!" Buffy sighed.
"I miss Harry Potter. JK Rowling never gave me any trouble."
A/N- So yep I'm not an anti-twilight member at twilight sucks its a great site to visit with lots of good reason why the Twilight series is really not good…but anyway I love Buffy and I knew she could handle killing Gary-Stu…I mean Edward. Review please, but no flames because those are annoying. This fic was done purely for fun.