Road Trip! A Felony Waiting to Happen!
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, as much as I might like to rent Valgaav for the weekend...mmm...Valgaav...er, anyway, the guy who created Slayers owns them. However, he, unlike the creators of the other fandoms I write for, likely has enough of a sense of humour to not want to kill me for what I've done to them. After all, look what he puts them through himself! ^_^
Summary: An explorative piece that takes the more (and less) popular couples of the fandom through the kiss of death to every struggling relationship, the Road Trip.
Notes: Now, this is a story that came about while discussing with Bezo (much in the same way that two people with identical views on politics discuss that fine subject) why a Lina/Zelgadis pairing is just several mortal injuries waiting to happen. A few minutes in, Bezo put it very well when he said, "Just imagine those two taking a long car trip together. That should kill any tendencies you have."
So, I imagined it. And it did kill the Lina/Zelgadis tendencies that I haven't had since the first four episodes of Season 1. But, since it was durned funny, I decided to write it down and inflict it upon the fandom at large. Eventually, it turned into a piece in which every possible pairing between four guys and four girls was featured, on a similar car trip. Bwah.
The Anniversary Party
A pair of large, long-lashed eyes burning with the divine fire of a thousand suns – suns that were particularly divine, of course – lit up even more, causing widespread drought and famine from evaporated seas and scorched earth.
"Zel! Turn off here!"
An annoyed grumble filled the car as two icy eyes, eyes verily enshrouded in ice just waiting to be melted by the fire of the other pair of eyes in question – the eyes burning with the fire of all those divine suns, if you'll recall – narrowed.
"Where?"
"There!" Lina exclaimed, gesturing frantically out the large vehicle's window at a rapidly approaching exit to the right of the Winnebago.
The far, far right.
"Lina," Zelgadis sighed. "Two things. First of all, if we want to get to Zangalus and Martina's some time before the party begins, we don't have time to stop long enough for you to eat your fill. Secondly, the exit is on the far left. We are on the far right. Four lanes over, if you'll kindly count. The traffic is very, very heavy. The Winnebago is very, very large. To get over to the far right lane would take a miracle. And we have no reason to try it. Our next exit isn't for another sixty kilometres."
"C'mon, Zel," Lina whined pleadingly. "Look at that sign!"
"I can't, Lina. I'm driving," Zelgadis reminded her through gritted teeth.
"It's the biggest buffet in the state!" the tiny redhead continued as though he hadn't spoken. "And I'm hungry!"
"Then get that bag of sandwiches Sylphiel sent with us out of the back seat," he suggested coolly.
"I finished those a long time ago," she told him easily.
He blinked, startled.
"How long ago?" he asked slowly.
"About three hours."
"We've only been on the road for three and a half hours!"
"Hey, Sylphiel makes really good sandwiches," Lina laughed unapologetically.
"Great," Zelgadis grumbled. "Now what am I supposed to eat?"
"You've got your coffee, you damn guzzler. You're happy as a clam. Well," Lina continued as she glanced sideways at the glowering countenance of her fellow traveller, "happy as you ever get."
"Thank-you."
"Now take the
exit!"
"We're long past the exit, Lina."
"Then turn around!"
A pause.
"You're joking,
aren't you?"
Lina grinned. Zelgadis did not.
"Please tell me you're joking."
Lina's grin widened and became just a shade more evil. Zelgadis sighed.
"You're not joking, are you?"
"Nope."
"Well…tough! I can't turn around until we get to another exit, and even then, I refuse to add hours onto this trip just so you can eat until you make yourself sick!"
Lina glared sideways at her road-trip buddy.
"As touching as your concern is-"
"Concern?" Zelgadis repeated, frowning in concern.
"Oh, never mind! Now, turn around!"
"No!"
"For the last time, Zel, turn the car around!"
"For the last time, Lina, forget it!"
She smirked. Noticing this from the corner of his eye, Zelgadis quavered inwardly, but determinedly kept a stony countenance.
"Fine," she chirped. "If you won't turn this car around, I will."
Zelgadis had just begun to demand what in the hell she meant by that when he found out in a most unpleasant way.
Two small hands shot over from the passenger seat of the Winnebago and gave the steering wheel a sound jerk to the left.
Tires squealed and horns honked angrily as the vehicle shot over four lanes of reasonably dense traffic and proceeded to bounce over the grassy area dividing eastbound and westbound highway.
Zelgadis, his face a mask of horror that effectively drove away his determination to remain impassive, reflected that his stomach must have still been waiting over in the furthest right lane of the eastbound highway as the van completed a 90-degree turn and puttered merrily down the westbound highway in the direction of the turn-off into Granny Aqua's Good Ol' Home-Cookin' All-You-Can-Eat Buffet and Family Restaurant.
Finally recovering powers of speech and motion, Zelgadis turned furiously on the redhead.
"You idiot!" he exclaimed. "What in the hell was that? You almost got us both killed!"
"But I didn't actually get us killed, right?" she pointed out with a wink and a giggle that would have charmed anyone whose stomach wasn't still waiting at least four miles down the road in the opposite direction. "So calm down and get ready to eat!"
As a severely dented Winnebago shot down the westbound highway, a voice, muffled from being inside of it, could be nonetheless quite easily heard as it howled, with all the anguish of the ages ringing in it,
"WHY ME?!!!"
Meanwhile, in another Winnebago several kilometres west, barely outside of the starting point of both, but sporting several less dents, Amelia waited patiently for the driver to return.
After fifteen minutes, her patience went from the happy, cheerful sort of patience that one can expect of a happy, cheerful disposition to a rather forced patience of someone who is patient merely because she has to be.
Finally, forty-five minutes later, all trace of patience had evaporated, leaving a little dark-haired, blue-eyed, five-foot-nothing bundle of angry.
"Where is he?!" Amelia fumed. "I was only gone for five minutes! Where did Mr. Gourry wander off to in five minutes that's taken him forty-five to get back?! Well, that does it! I'm going to look for him!"
However, just as she was about to climb down from the Winnebago, a tall, blond-haired shape approaching from the other direction made her slide back into her seat and set her teeth angrily. Very well, she would stay where she was. But she would make it very clear that she was annoyed with him. After all, they were on their way to an important event…even if she didn't exactly know what the purpose was behind a "The-First-Time-He-Let-Me-Use-the-Howling-Sword-Mark-Two Anniversary Party". Miss Martina had always been a little strange…
Still, that didn't excuse his wandering off this way, Amelia decided.
As Gourry climbed into the driver's seat of the vehicle, he shot her a sunny smile and held up a bulging plastic bag.
"I bought us some snacks at the convenience store I found. And man, it took a long time to find it!"
No kidding, she said silently and as sarcastically as Amelia could say anything.
Aloud, she said nothing, but simply lifted her chin and looked away from him ever so slightly. He would get the message…
However, it appeared that Amelia forgot exactly whom she was dealing with here. Gourry, by this time, was already absorbed with simultaneously driving and rummaging through the bag of snacks.
Either way, finding out what was bothering her certainly wasn't high on his list of things to do. Amelia sighed.
"Mr. Gourry, what on earth took you so long back there?"
"Huh?" he asked, head tilted to one side in confusion, a cheese-curl hanging out of his mouth.
No…don't laugh…no matter how silly he looks, you're mad at him, remember?!
"You were gone for almost an hour!"
"Oh, that! Well, I figured that you were busy, so I decided to go get some snacks."
"I was already done by the time you left!"
"Hey, I'll be honest, Amelia. I have no idea how long it takes to bring justice to a fiend."
"Not forty-five minutes! Between flagging him down, explaining to him why speeding is wrong, and reinforcing the message with a few Pacifist Crushes, I was only talking to him for five minutes!"
"Hey, look on the bright side. At least we have snacks now," Gourry laughed. "Want a candy bar?"
"What kind did you buy?" Amelia asked excitedly, completely forgetting that she was supposed to be angry as Gourry handed her the plastic bag and she began rifling through its contents. "Aero!"
She had just begun to pull the wrapper away from the chocolate when something at the side of the road caught her eye.
"Oh, no!" she gasped. "That man just threw two chip bags, a soda bottle, and a candy bar wrapper out his car window, and…" She peered more closely, just to make sure that her ghastly accusations were not ungrounded. "…and he's not even going back to pick them up!"
"Are we chasing this guy down, too?" Gourry asked in a voice calm enough to serve as a testament to the startling ability of this man to take things in stride.
"Of course! Mother Earth deserves our respect!"
With a shrug, Gourry changed lanes and pulled up next to the little forest-green Nissan sporting the license plate of "2 Sexy", on the left, so that the Winnebago's passenger window was right next to the Nissan's driver side window. From here, Amelia began motioning for the Nissan to pull over.
Doubtlessly assuming that something was wrong with his vehicle that he hadn't noticed, the driver of the Nissan did so, quite alarmed.
Therefore, it annoyed him more than a little to merely have this admittedly cute, but insanely weird and more insanely annoying little female insist that they hike back along the highway and find his garbage so that he could properly dispose of it later.
As for Amelia, she apparently hadn't learned the first time that leaving an unsupervised Gourry alone was a very bad idea. This lesson was waiting for her back at the Winnebago after the Nissan had roared angrily away, resolving never to listen to little dark-haired girls with big blue eyes when they told him he had car trouble.
Yes, the lesson was waiting for her, although Gourry was not.
"Oh, no," she sighed, dropping cross-legged to the grass to wait.
Certainly, the wait would be a long one…
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Valgaav howled from the driver's seat of a third Winnebago, much closer to the destination of Martina and Zangalus' humble little home than the other two.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Filia agreed excitedly. This was incredible! She hadn't felt this connected to someone in a long time! "AAAAAAAAAARGH?" she asked hopefully.
Valgaav nodded, smiling the small smile of a dark, moody type who isn't given to smiling widely. He'd known right away that she would understand!
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUNGH," he replied.
Filia giggled.
"I know exactly what you mean!" she exclaimed without thinking about it.
Valgaav turned to her, a frown of confusion etched on his features.
"Sorry, sorry, I meant ERRRRRRRRGH," Filia hastened to correct herself. After all, it wasn't often she got to talk to someone who truly understood the complexities of the language of a dragon; why waste it with human languages?
Valgaav nodded, the confusion in his face clearing.
"ERRRRRRRRRRRGH," he agreed.
The chronicler will not take her readers through Valgaav and Filia's entire conversation, as it is to long and complex to discuss fully here…and she's running out of ways to spell angry-sounding (or rather, angry-looking) exclamations. Suffice it to say that the Winnebago continued noisily along down the highway for quite some time, its inhabitants enjoying their meaningful conversation.
Until…
"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH," Valgaav commented, making a face as a certain song came on the radio.
"BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH!" Filia exclaimed giddily. This song had always been one of her favourites!
Valgaav looked at her, disgusted.
"ERRRRRRRRRRRRRGH," he said emphatically, turning the dial.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Filia protested, turning the dial back to the previous radio station.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Valgaav said snippily, turning the radio off entirely.
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGH," Filia said, crossing her arms and pouting.
"Fine, then," Valgaav said, outwardly calm, but too incensed to speak to this girl in their special Dragon-speak any longer. "If you don't like it, you can just walk the rest of the way to Zangalus and Martina's."
Filia frowned.
"Who are they, anyway?"
Valgaav shrugged.
"Some friend of Lina's, I think."
"Oh," Filia murmured faintly, recalling that the rest of Miss Lina's friends weren't exactly normal. "Lovely."
"Hey, weren't one of us mad at the other one for something?"
"It doesn't matter," Filia assured him.
He nodded, and the two drove on in silence for some time.
"Valgaav?" Filia finally ventured.
"Yes?"
"Can we stop somewhere for a minute?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Valgaav howled.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH," Filia retorted.
Valgaav sighed. Her logic really was indisputable in this case, as much as he hated to admit it.
"Fine, we'll stop."
"Thank-you, Valgaav," Filia said, smiling smugly. Then she frowned. "Um…Valgaav?"
"Yes?"
"Can I borrow some money for a cup of tea?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Valgaav howled.
"Okay, okay," Filia sighed dejectedly. "No tea."
Ten minutes later, as Valgaav was preparing to open the door and hop back up into the Winnebago, he stopped as a small hand caught his arm.
"Valgaav?" Filia asked.
"Yes?"
"Can I drive?"
Valgaav was silent for a moment, preparing himself. Then…
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
Fifteen minutes later, the Winnebago was back on its course for the home of Zangalus and Martina.
However, a few changes had been made.
It was far quieter within the vehicle, aside from the radio, which was playing Filia's favourite station.
Filia was in the driver's seat. It would thus make sense that Valgaav was sitting sulkily in the passenger seat.
No such luck for Valgaav, however.
Behind the driver's and passenger seats, there was a good deal of space that could be used to carry luggage, food, potted plants, or cattle, if one were so inclined.
In this Winnebago, the free space held none of the above.
What it did hold was a figure wrapped entirely in duct tape, save for the nose. A spike of mint-green hair stuck proudly out from the profusion of tape.
It seemed that Valgaav had been shut up at last, his habit for howling in rage every five and a half seconds brought to an abrupt end. Doubtlessly, Filia was much happier, although Valgaav was not, as being tied up with duct tape by a golden dragon priestess was never fun, particularly when one must be subdued first by a few bashes to the head with a spiky black mace of rather ridiculous mass.
Given the many obvious grievances of our young Ancient Dragon (and rest assured, Valgaav always had quite a bit of trouble explaining to strangers how this could be possible), it was rather odd that the one thing on his mind at that moment was,
I really hate that song…
"So, Miss Sylphiel," Xellos began, smiling beamingly at his car-mate from the driver's seat of yet another different Winnebago. This Winnebago was closer to its destination than the first and second, but not quite so close as the third. It seemed as though Filia had happened upon the ancient secret of an efficient road-trip: one half of the decision-making party must be bound and gagged in the back of the vehicle. "Are you enjoying the trip so far?"
"Oh, yes," Sylphiel assured him, returning his beaming smile with another one just as beaming. "I'm having a wonderful time. Are you getting tired yet? Would you like me to drive? After all, you mustn't drive when fatigued. It's a terrible, terrible thing."
"Um, of course, Miss Sylphiel. I believe I'll be alright for another few hours, though."
"Well, if you're sure."
"Quite sure."
Another silence fell. Then Sylphiel glanced at Xellos sideways.
"Xellos, how did you meet Miss Lina and my dear Gourry?"
Xellos lifted an eyebrow.
Your dear Gourry, he wondered silently. I wonder what Miss Lina thinks of that.
"To tell you the truth, Miss Sylphiel, we were brought face-to-face while we were both looking for something."
"Oh, what was it?"
"The Claire Bible, actually."
"Oh," Sylphiel said hesitantly. "It was the Claire Bible that helped Lina find out why the Giga Slave is a terrible, terrible spell, wasn't it?"
"Y-yes, I suppose it is," Xellos replied, a sweatdrop suspended at the side of his head.
Once again, both fell quiet. Then, several moments later…
"Xellos, would you like a sandwich?"
"Er, no thank-you, Sylphiel."
"But you didn't eat breakfast, either! You mustn't drive while hungry, Xellos. It's a terrible, terrible state to be in."
Xellos smiled to himself. At least a conversation had been struck up. Nothing was worse than a car trip made in utter silence. As his companion would doubtlessly have said, it was a 'terrible, terrible thing'.
Then, as a hint of a most delectable discomfort reached his senses, he looked abruptly ahead, only to notice that he was following the car in front of him almost dangerously closely. A vaguely evil smile had just spread itself across his face, his foot punched down harder on the gas pedal, when his car-mate's voice piped up, shattering his thought process.
"Um…Xellos?"
"Yes, Miss Sylphiel?" he asked, laughing guiltily at her curious gaze trained on him.
"I was just wondering; how do you drive when your eyes are always closed?"
"It's a gift, Miss Sylphiel," he replied cheerfully before returning his attention to the road.
While his focus had been elsewhere, it seemed that the car in front of him, a small forest green Nissan sporting a license plate of "2 Sexy", had sped up, managing to put a good deal of distance between itself and the Winnebago.
Xellos pouted. This was no good. The driver's nervousness and discomfort had been very enjoyable indeed, and he felt no reason to give them up quite yet. He punched down hard on the gas pedal again, ignoring Sylphiel's startled squeak as the Winnebago shot forward down the highway.
"Oh, darn," he thought he heard her say. "I've dropped my plushie!"
Deciding that following the Nissan with less than a foot of distance wasn't quite enough, Xellos turned to Sylphiel, smiled charmingly, and said,
"Don't worry, Miss Sylphiel. I'll find it for you."
"Oh, no, that's all right," Sylphiel replied quickly.
Nevertheless, Xellos let go of the steering wheel, bent over the parking brake, and scanned the floor of the passenger side for anything remotely plushie-looking. Finally, after a good deal of the Winnebago swerving crazily about the road and Sylphiel wondering desperately how she could most quickly get to the brake pedal herself if she had to, or if the situation could be helped by magic (perhaps a strategically-placed Flare Carrot under one wheel), Xellos felt something soft and squishy under his fingers and straightened up.
"Found it," he announced proudly.
"Oh, my Gourry-plushie!" she squealed happily, grabbing the little toy and cuddling it.
Xellos sweatdropped, not for the first time, as it occurred to him that the little toy did, indeed, look uncannily like Gourry. Sylphiel fixed Xellos with a stern eye. "Thank-you for finding it for me, Xellos, but you should really try to concentrate more on the road. Not keeping your eyes on the road while driving is a terrible thing."
"So I could have guessed," Xellos said.
Then, turning back to the road, he chuckled to himself as the little green Nissan and its "2 Sexy" owner completed a hastily executed lane change with no warning signal to be seen.
"Not yet, my friend," he said pleasantly, changing lanes himself so that he was once again behind the green Nissan.
"Xellos!" Sylphiel exclaimed reproachfully as he once again sped up to within a foot of the back of the car. "You shouldn't tailgate like that! Tailgating is a terrible, terrible habit!"
Xellos was rather annoyed by this. Some reproach, he didn't mind, but when this woman tried to keep him from spreading misery to the other drivers on the road, she was going too far. However, to simply get visibly angry was not Xellos' style. And so, smiling charmingly once again, he nodded.
"Very well, Miss Sylphiel. I think we might be approaching a good place to stop for a moment, anyway."
"Good idea," Sylphiel agreed. Then a wary expression crossed her face. "Hold on a minute; you're not going to leave me behind, are you? I'll never completely forgive Lina and Gourry for leaving me behind when I came with them after Martina and Zangulus' wedding…"
"So, that's why you weren't with them the next time I saw them," Xellos murmured. "I can't say that I entirely blame Lina."
"Well?" Sylphiel prompted. "If I leave you with the van, I'm not going to come out of the gas station to find that you took off and left me, am I?"
Xellos' expression was the picture of innocence.
"Leave you?" he echoed, inwardly cackling. "Why on earth would I do that, Miss Sylphiel?"
"Oh. Well, if you're sure you're not going to leave me behind," Sylphiel said, much relieved.
Fifteen minutes later, Sylphiel emerged from the gas station, a small plastic bag containing a diet 7-Up and a chocolate chip cookie bouncing against her side. She stopped suddenly, and looked around the parking lot for a few moments, her expression becoming more suspicious by the second. Finally, she threw her bag to the pavement in utter fury, but changed her mind at the last minute, caught it before it could land, and set it down carefully. This might not have relieved anyone else's feelings as satisfactorily as actual destruction, but Sylphiel was not any other person.
"He did leave me behind!" she wailed.
End Notes: Tune in for the next chapter to see the Slayers gang head to New New Sairaag! Why? The author hasn't decided yet! However, all of the characters have reached an agreement: they are NOT travelling with the same person they travelled with in this chapter. Let's see if some slight rearrangement makes everyone a little happier. And maybe we can refrain from having anyone left behind at the side of the road, Xellos!
Xellos: What?