''Go back to sleep.'' She tells him right after waking up. She is panting, shaking with the remains of a nightmare. Tears threaten to slip off her eyes, but she won't let them. She can't allow this vulnerability with him so close, not again. Not when she knows that he'll betray her. It's already bad enough to have him sleeping every night by her side.
The comfort he can bring her is not worth the pain that will follow.
Rey closes her eyes and tries to stay still, refusing to show any weakness, even if she knows he wouldn't berate her for it. She dares to spy his side of the bond, discovering not only that he's still there, but he's also worried about her. She can feel how much he wants to console her, which she finds odd.
His hand suddenly lands on her shoulder, making her jump. It's so warm and his touch so tempting that she has to keep herself from leaning into him.
''Rey…'' he whispers her name softly. It's one of the first words he has spoken since they discovered that their bond wasn't fading anytime soon.
''Don't touch me'' she hisses, afraid of what may happen if she lets him in again.
His hand retreats immediately, though she can feel how unhappy it makes him.
Too bad, she thinks. She has done more than enough by letting him stay in her bed, he doesn't gets to touch her.
''Not anymore'' she whispers, knowing that he has heard her thoughts.
She recalls the time they touched hands in Ahch-To, and how she had grabbed him so confidently during their fight against the Praetorian Guard. She had initiated the contact then. She, who wasn't fond of touching others and was even less fond about others touching her.
She had trusted him and he had betrayed her.
''How is it that I betrayed you?'' he murmured. Rey noticed that he had moved closer. ''I killed Snoke, I offered you the galaxy''.
''And you left me''.
She inhaled a sharp breath, the bitterness in his voice surprised her. Some righteous anger, she had expected, but this feeling of… brokenness, she didn't. It doesn't belong to him.
She turned on her side to look at him. He didn't seem to have gotten any sleep. Even in the dim light of the room, the dark circles under his eyes were visible, he looked exhausted. She was somehow glad for it, if he had been sleeping soundly and content while she suffered nightmares and tried her best to ignore his betrayal she would have resented him.
Rey could take mercy on him if he was like that; as tired and alone as she was.
She wanted to be hold tenderly, she desired to know softness and kindness from someone, after a lifetime of harsh rough desert. But, could it be from him? After all that happened? Was he even able of such things? She can't trust blindly again. But she wants to.
She raised her hand hesitantly as he observed, wary of every movement.
He let out a shaky breath when she caressed his scarred cheek. She took an unpresented satisfaction on it, for some reason she could not phantom. I've marked him for life, she realized. Let everyone know he is not a god. He is a man.
Their gazes met, his full of need, and a hunger that made her stomach roll pleasantly. She felt him on her mind, not quite like before; it was an image of her seen through his eyes, beautified by his own mind, definitely, for Rey was sure she didn't look like that. She found herself overwhelmed by her own reaction to them. Let me touch you, his eyes seemed to say. She wanted him to, but the part of her that couldn't let go of his betrayal still wavered at the final step. The part of her that had trusted him in the first place whispered wicked things at her ear. Maybe for one night she could let go.
She could accept a truce for tonight, just for tonight. Then it will be over.
He mistook her doubt with fear. You know I would never hurt you. She swallowed thickly, before moving her hand down, slowly, to his chest. I know.
His eyes darkened, but he didn't move. I'll stop if you tell me to. Rey's hand went to grab the end of his sleeping shirt, tugging it upside to take it off. I know.
His own hand went to stop her, he shook his head and Rey felt embarrassed. Had she mistaken his intentions? He went to grab her face to kiss her. She melted in his arms, arms going to his neck to bring their bodies closer. She was suddenly hot, it had everything to do with the warm body that was now pressed against her own. He placed a short kiss in her cheek, then one in her lips and finally in jaw. She shivered at the pleasant sensation. She gasped when he went under her shirt, but relaxed quickly under his touch. His hands were trembling lightly as they roamed through her naked back.
Make me forget.
She tangles her fingers in his silky hair, much like she wanted since one of their first force connections. His lips are on her neck sucking and biting gently. She can feel he wants to go further but he is not sure she wants to. She decides to let him know, tugging his head down to her chest, where he buries his face. Her clothes are starting to get tight on her skin, and if he doesn't take them off soon she will.
He seems to receive her message, for he rolls her on her back and she gets on her elbows to watch him take his shirt off, licking her swollen lips. She helps him take hers off as well, and he stares at her chest for a long moment, as if he wants to remember every bit of her. Rey is aware of her figure, her breasts are rather small and she is on the skinnier side, not very plump as she knows some men prefer. But apparently Ben does not, because he's looking at her as a thirsty man would look at water. He doesn't moves, and she's left trembling with need, the cold air making her nipples stiff.
''Come back here'' she commands him, and he promptly obeys, soon in her arms.
He flickers his thumbs over her chest, and she marvels at how big his hands are. He fondles them carefully, eying her reactions as if he were unsure of what to do with them. It almost makes her giggle, how young he suddenly appears. She lets her head fall back to the pillow when he takes one in his mouth, running his tongue over her. She runs her nails down his back, wanting to leave another mark on him. He moans in her chest, and Rey can only think about making him do that sound again. She liked it.
A small part of her had expected him to be rough and demanding, but his touch was gentle and his kisses tender.
''Mmh…'' he purrs against her, and it makes her itch for him.
He pushes one knee between her legs to part them, making space for himself there. One of his hands goes to caress her inner thigh, while the other plays with the waistband of her shorts. He lets her have control over the pace. She appreciates it.
He sits and Rey pulls away the last remains of clothes between them.
He rushes back to be on top of her, but Rey wants to see him fully. So she stops him, making him stay still as she stares.
He has always been huge, both in his battle gear and when she saw him half-naked. But to see him bare is another thing, he seems gigantic as he towers over her. Rey should probably feel threatened by his size, but she takes comfort on it, knowing he wouldn't use it against her. In that sense she does trust him.
He hunches over himself under her gaze and he turns his head to the side, as if he were trying to hide, which is ridiculous. Is he not aware of how he looks? Or is it that the situation has him embarrassed? Rey is nervous about being naked under him, of course, but she is not embarrassed by what they are going to do, even if she doesn't has any experience with it.
''Are you alright?'' she asks him. Sitting up too.
He opens his mouth, and then closes it. A hand goes to the back of his neck.
''I just…'' he bites his lower lip. He has never been good with words and they are both aware of it.
''Do you want to stop?'' Rey wonders, thinking about how he told her they could stop when she wanted it.
''No!'' he answers quickly, and Rey believes him.
She realizes he might just be as nervous as her. Her hands go to frame his face, and pulls him to her for a kiss.
This time she opens her legs for him, eager to have him there. Wetness has pooled between her legs, and there's an ache that needs to be calmed. She helps him to touch her where she likes it, to push his fingers and to twist them inside, leaving her breathless. He lines up with her with a trembling hand. In the beginning it's an uncomfortable fit, no matter of how prepared she was, but Rey had expected it. She waits for the pain to pass, knowing that something better will come soon.
Nothing could have prepared her for the vulnerability of the moment, both of them so unguarded and open to the other.
He's careful and patient with her, even when he has a very big need of his own to attend. He goes with slow pushes before drawing back almost entirely, making her gasp and moan. He caresses her breasts and rubs the bundle of nerves between her legs, easing her ache. Rey can feel him shaking with restrain and his ragged breath is hot against her ear. She bites him, eliciting a moan out of him.
Then the feeling changes and their movements become slicker and smoother, Rey whines against his neck. ''Go faster'' she asks, the heat on her belly growing at each second. He gives a grunt in response and his thrusting speeds up, stealing her breath.
It doesn't take long for her to finish after that, trembling against him, she tightens and wails softly. She calls him Ben through gritted teeth as she comes down of her high. He soon follows, burying his face in her neck, inhaling her essence. He groans, and pushes once, twice before collapsing over her. Rey runs her hand through his hair as she waits for him to stop twitching inside her. His crushing weight is welcome. He sucks a spot in her neck, biting softly. Rey sighs happily. The bond thrums steady.
The room has cooled.
She can't tell for how long they stay like that, but she's almost asleep when he gets off her. There's a dull, satisfied soreness left when he pulls out of her, to roll over her side. But he doesn't take her in his arms as she had expected. There is a distance between them now that it's over. Rey doesn't like the feeling of separation after what they've just shared, it's just wrong. She had thought she could take what she wanted for a night an then pretend it was okay. But it's not.
Ben has pulled his shields back up, unwilling to let her know his thoughts, but she is sure he can't like it either. Even if he respecting her wishes.
She turns her head to the window, the sun hasn't rose yet. The night it's not over so neither it's their truce.
She crawls to him, sore and tired as she is. He welcomes her, stiffly letting her find a comfortable position. She lays her head over his chest, placing a hand over his shoulder. His hand goes to her hair, twirling it in his fingers. The other one goes to grab the covers and pull them over them. She falls asleep like that, and this time she doesn't wakes up again. He stares at her for as long as he can, knowing he may not get another chance, before the exhaustion wins him.
They sleep.