Sometimes, I dream about cheese..
Wait, what the fuck are you doing here?
WAITN ON ONO WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME
WHY ME?
What?
This is an odd conversation.
YOU'RE TELLIN ME FUCKFACE
who's who
what's what!?
WHY?
WHEN?
WHERE?
DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON
WOAH WAIT..
A CHAPTER!?
What's the basis for this, you ask. Well, here it goes! HEY, IT'S ME, WEIRDGUYONE!
The asshole is back to offend, persuade, or make you laugh!
Now, I have a friend (Won't say who, they don't want white rose shippers after them) and we started joking and insulting Ozpin. it came to this: "If I was Ozpin"
Here's the chat.
(me)
if i was ozpin:
(Ruby Rose meets Ozpin)
Hello, miss Rose. I am Ozpin, and this is my lovely assistant, Glynda. She's a dominatrix who thinks riding crops are wands. I am a wizard who uses a cane for fencing and I am going to try to warn you before creeping you the hell out.
Now, these next few following lines could sound a bit perverted, but I assure you, I am not a pedophile. I am a headmaster and wizard.
Now, you have silver eyes. Magic, boom. It exists. I know, your entire world has been blown. And no, Glynda, shut the hell up and leave. I don't need your angry glares. It distracts me because then I have to talk to you instead of talking to Miss Rose who I'm going to be inviting to my fantastic school for badass hormonal teenagers with superpowers. I know, I'm the best.
Anyways, have this magically appearing stack of cookies. *insert some shitty ass teleportation sound effects* Oh, that was just my boombox that I play whenever I want to magic something around. I know, I'm simply the best. I said it twice now because it's so true.
Anyways, here, join my school because I know, and this may sound perverted, but I once again assure you I'm not a pedophile, that an adorable girl like you who has magical eyes and is honestly better than half of the kids at my school combined, wants to join my school full of badass teens.
*After Ruby leaves the interrogation room*
Okay.. Time for some planning.
*time skip to tower, walks over to a few student files*
It is time to become the shipping wizard. I will be the one capable of it! Honestly, Salem's a bitch. Oh, hey. It's that one chick Qrow saw attack Amber. What was her name? Cinder Maul? No.. It'll come to me eventually, anyways.. You think you can get the relic I have here? HA. YOU SHALL NOT PASS! I always wanted to say that and now I am officially the wizard.
Now.. Onto more pressing matters. How can I ship Mr. Arc and Miss Rose together... I mean, they clearly are perfect together.. *Is looking at my scroll in which it's Jaune and Ruby during the Shining Beacon part II, both chatting.* Yeah, I'm going to do this. They're going to be the best ship I've ever made. And the only one I'm going to be focusing on this year because honestly, nobody else in this school is truly noteworthy. Except Ms. Valkyrie and Mr. Ren. Though, I'm pretty sure they're already together. Meh.
(This is me if I was Ozpin.)
(Friend) If I was Ozpin:
*Ruby Rose meets Ozpin*
Hello Ms Rose, how look you have silver eyes. Yeah, I already knew since my most faithful underling, your uncle Qrow Branwen, told me the second you were born but still I'd like to point it out. Why, you may ask? Well, it's not everyday you meet a little girl with a built-in Deus Ex Machina, even if you're thousands of years old. No I was not calling you old, I was calling myself old.
Now, onto the serious matters, I already know Qrow taught you how to fight with a oversized gardening tool, but I'll ask nonetheless: where did you learn to do that? Because I totally want to do that too. Last time I tried to use a scythe I beheaded myself, eheh.
And don't lie, I know you didn't learn this at Signal, as I said I already know Qrow taught you. He's the only idiot around who's reckless enough to use that death-trap. Again, Qrow's my most faithful underling so I know everything about you. No I'm not a stalker, Ms Rose, I have more pressing matters to attend to than stalking a little girl like a paedophile.
So here's a plate of cookies, I know you love them since, again, Qrow told me. He's a drunkard but he's a good source of information. I also knew you would've eaten them at the speed of lightning since Qrow told me AGAIN that your Semblance is speed. Quite fitting as you seem to talk about as fast as Oobleck. Don't worry, you'll meet Oobleck soon.
Now, your reason to be a Huntress is extremely naive, frankly stupid, and definitely a reason that would have you discarded immediately. You'll be risking your life, Ms Rose -I know this quite well, I lost my life several times fighting Grimm-, this won't be a pleasant dream nor a fairytale... although fairytales might get involved. Don't ask, you're not ready to know, you'll be ready when your friends will abandon you or die and your school will have been destroyed by a madwoman who wanted power. Don't look so horrified, Ms Rose, this is all part of the world of Huntsmen and Huntresses. So, as I said, your reasons suck, suck so very hard, but since you have silver eyes and a built-in Deus ex Machina, I'm gonna allow you into my school for hormonal teenagers with weapons of mass desctruction and superpowers you only see in cartoons. Unfortunately we don't have super robots, though. Atlas has that privilege, but I'm getting off topic here. Forgive me, at my age is easy to ramble.
Anyway even if it should be impossible you in two years somehow got better than people who trained five or more years at fighting, so you'll be allowed into the school. Besides who wouldn't want the girl with the best plot armour around in their school?
Now, move along, I have other stuff to do. Glynda, please don't growl, you'll scare our new student.
*after Initiation and a few weeks into Beacon*
Ozpin: "Okay, let's start our great plan. Shipping is a fundamental part of this school, plus having the chance to ship your students is part of your salary, so here we are. Peter, order of the day!"
Port: "Today we have to find our year's ship and make it sail. The votes, please."
Ozpin: "I totally ship WhiteRose."
Everyone else: "Boooo!"
Glynda: "As much as I don't like Mr Arc, I find him perfect for young Ms Rose. I say Lancaster."
Oobleck: "I've seen Ms Nikos's attempts to get Mr Arc to guess the right answer, and they're pathetic. Frankly, I think Ms Rose helped him much more than his partner. Ms Nikos only trained him. So my vote goes to Lancaster too."
Port: *guffaws heartily* "The lads are so fun to ship. I'd say Ms Valkyrie and Mr Lie but they seem to have already gotten together... quite a long ago. I find Ms Rose to be adorable, the granddaughter I never had, and Mr Arc is the boyfriend I'd want my granddaughter to date. Lancaster with no regrets."
Peach's ghost: *eerie ghostly voice* "I talked a lot with Summer recently, she asked me to vote Lancaster."
Ironwood: "I hate the Schnees, so any ship with Ms Schnee and I'll throw the shipper out of the window. Ozpin you're safe only because you allowed me to take part in this. I know nothing about the Beacon's students so I'll just go with the flow. Lancaster."
Port: "The session is closed. Lancaster wins. Ms Ruby Rose and Mr Jaune Arc will have to be together by the end of this year."
Winter: *looks out of the window* "Ehm... sires? Ms Rose and Mr Arc are making out under a tree in the courtyard. I think they've been keeping their relationship secret to avoid Ms Xiao Long's rage. So... objective achieved?"
Port: *sighs* "Today we have to find our year's ship, other than Lancaster. The votes, please."
Ozpin: "...WhiteRose?"
*he gets thrown out of a window by everyone else*
Let's go in a step by step detail on how everyone else throws him out of a window.
A. Port steps up and grabs Ozpin by the arms. He belly punts Ozpin out the window.
B. Oobleck speeds down and brings Ozpin back up.
C. ironwood falcon kicks Ozpin in the nuts out.
Repeat of B
D. peach possesses Ozpin to walk off. He hits his nuts on a railing because Peach made it so. Painful.
Repeat of B
E. Glynda uses a blackhole on ozpin's testicles and then falcon kicks him out
Repeat of B
F. Winter summons an army of boar grimm and make them charge Ozpin, knocking his ass out the window again
Repeat of B
G. Oobleck pulls out his torch and goes at speeds that can escape black holes fucking nails Ozpin across the chest, sending Ozpin flying faster than mach 8 while having severe chest pain
Epilogue: Ozpin's fireball hits the tree near Ruby and Jaune who are both startled and look to see Ozpin covered in scars.
Ozpin looks to Ruby.. "Whiterose?"
Ruby and Jaune look to each other. "dafuq is whiterose"
Suddenly the army from before appears.
They look at ozpin and drag him up the tower to repeat the process.
Ruby and Jaune look to each other. "dafuq is whiterose"
Let's go into detail over what each of them thought:
Ozpin:
Ehm, ehm, let's move onto people who can actually think.
Ruby: What the hell? Me with Weiss? Who's ever thought of a stupider ship!? Weiss always on my butt to do that and that and she's unbearable! Just because we're partners? That's the stupidest reason I've ever heard! I don't have anything against girls or lesbians but me with Weiss is just a big fat no!
Jaune: ...why is he Headmaster again? I mean, he can't have really just suggested WhiteRose. Who ever ships WhiteRose? Weiss would need to undergo serious changes for it to happen! Unless... well, I could see Weiss being the toxic part in a toxic relationship, but Ruby would never get in such a relationship. And besides, WTF?! Ozpin suggesting one of his students, the youngest one too, to get raped by a control-fanatic, cold-ass Ice Queen? WTF?!
"dafuq is whiterose"
Suddenly the army from before appears.
They look at Ozpin and drag him up the tower to repeat the process.
Ruby and Jaune exchange another glance, change tree, and promptly start making out again.
And that, my friends, is a true story. Yes, there might be some repeated lines, but that's part of it.
And if you want more shitty ass messages I've made, well, I'll attempt to give em'.
Just know that I have so many arguments/discussions that it's insane.