"Harry, you know that I love you to pieces but in all seriousness, I have to ask... how long has it been since you've had intercourse?" Luna's voice was mildly amused but her face bespoke only earnestness. Harry, on the other hand, spluttered and stared at the girl as if she had just sprouted an extra head.
"I beg your pardon?" he squeaked. The blond put her hands on her hips, looking to all the world as if she was suddenly channeling Hermione. The similarity made Harry even more nervous than the turn in conversation had.
"Ever since you came out of the closet, you've been acting utterly virginal. It's a little late to play that card though, especially since I know you and Nev used to fool around. You've been very ho-hummy and full of sighs lately. Neville says you're lonely and that I should just leave you be but I don't think, left to your own devices, you'll do anything about your sorry state. After all, you ignored the nargles for weeks!"
Harry cursed Neville and Luna's relationship. It caused Neville to tell Luna things he would normally have taken to the grave. Neville had never been able to lie to Luna or deter her incessant nosy probing. When the couple had asked Harry to accompany them to the United States to search for a pack of what Luna theorized were docile lupine shape shifters, he had instantly agreed. Harry had been jonesing for a break from his auror duties and he had saved up plenty of time off. One of the perks of being a complete workaholic was that you seemed to really rack up the vacation hours. Harry hadn't banked on the trip being some sort of intervention, however. Neville had dragged Harry out to clubs almost every other night, trying to force Harry to be social. When Harry had asked Neville what exactly his game was, Neville had just said that he and his girlfriend wanted to see their long-time friend letting loose, relaxing, and having fun "for once." But now Luna was asking about Harry's sex life?! She had definitely wanted Harry on this trip for reasons that had nothing to do with a security detail.
"Luna," Harry finally attempted to respond. "I assure you, my supposed loneliness has nothing to do with sex or lack thereof."
Luna pouted, her blond locks shimmering almost green under the dense foliage. The Gryffindor was saved her response by the crashing noises of something moving quickly towards them. Inhumanly quickly, Harry noted almost immediately. Listening hard now, Harry could also faintly hear growling and resonant barking. The auror pulled Luna tightly behind him, wand raised and body already in a defensive stance. "I think we found your wolf pack," he quipped.
Responding instinctively to a threat Luna probably hadn't even registered yet, Harry pushed her backwards and threw himself to the left. Not a full second later, standing directly where Harry and Luna had been, was a vampire. A tall, lithe, brown-haired, crimson-eyed, vampire. Harry had just enough time to realize this vampire was not one of the local coven he had been warned inhabited this area and that this one would actually drain him, before the vampire grabbed Harry by his neck. Harry was yanked in front of the bloodsucker as she stared back the way she had come. Not a full minute behind the vamp, four massive wolves thundered onto the scene, snarling and panting.
"Not one step closer or I snap the human's neck," the vampire hissed. The wolves all froze and as one, turned to look at the large black alpha towards the back of their group. It was a little eerie, if Harry was being honest with himself. He understood pack mentality and the necessity of a leader but that didn't make a bunch of overgrown dogs all going stock still at once and silently staring any less unsettling.
In response to the vampire's statement, Luna began to giggle hysterically as Harry rolled his eyes. "Don't underestimate the human, leech." Harry disapparated, appearing next to Luna once more and again pulling her behind him.
"Wizard," the vampire spat.
"Wizard," Harry confirmed cheekily, smirking. "Incendio!" The vampire shrieked as Harry's rolling pillar of fire hit her. "Immobulus!" Luna shot out directly after Harry. He gave her a quizzical look, raising a dark eyebrow in question. Luna just smiled her face-splitting grin, gesturing at the now the frozen vampire, mouth open in a howl and fire halted mid-lick against her skin. "There are binglers in these trees, Harry! We have to make sure they don't all get burned to a crisp."
Harry groaned internally but said nothing, rubbing one of his temples tiredly. So Harry wasn't allowed to kill the vampire with fire, otherwise known as the most efficient method of vampire elimination. Things never could be easy with Luna. The vampire was watching him. "Friend of yours?" He shot at the black wolf, who huffed its irritation. Harry could have figured as much. No wolf in their right mind would willingly be involved with a vampire.
"Guess not, splendid!" Luna said cheerfully, already inching towards the pack.
While Harry destroyed the vamp with multiple diffindo-s, Luna managed to get close enough to touch one of the smallest wolves, who seemed slightly more agreeable than its leader. His tail was actually wagging like an overgrown puppy. The moment of peace didn't last long, however. The only warning the wizards had before three more vampires rushed them was every shifter in the clearing tensing and low growls vibrating in the air. "Luna!" Harry shouted. "Get out of here. Get Neville. We might need him." The last part was muttered.
He couldn't explain it, but for some reason Harry felt protective of these shape shifters. Maybe it was simply because he knew they were mostly human but he wanted —needed— to make sure they remained unharmed in this encounter. If Dean were here, he would say that Harry's auror senses were tingling. Harry didn't know what it was but he couldn't bring himself to walk away from this fight. Merlin, who was he kidding? He wasn't ever able to walk away from a fight. Stupid hero complex. It really was going to get him killed one of these days.
Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw a blur rushing towards the russet shifter at his side. Without really considering how much it was going to hurt, Harry shouted a hasty "watch out!" before ramming his shoulder into the wolf as hard as he could. There was a resounding pop and an accompanying splintering sound. Harry cursed vehemently at the pain but thankfully, the wolf budged. The animal tilted its head at Harry in confusion before its molten honey eyes widened to cartoon proportions and a vampire lunged at the space where the wolf had only recently vacated. Turning furiously blazing red eyes on Harry, the vampire then went to pounce on the wizard.
"Protego maxima!" he bellowed, not quite getting the spell up in time. Harry's legs crumbled under the weight of the vampire on top of his impromptu shield. An earth-shattering, rib-rattling, and utterly deafening, bark exploded from above Harry's head. The russet wolf leaped over Harry's kneeling form and caught the vampire's arm with its teeth. The bloodsucker was jolted backwards with the force of the shape shifter's jump, unable to free itself from the creature's unyielding jaw.
"Harry!" came Neville's sudden frantic yell. The cacophony of fighting wolves and vampires was so explosively loud that Harry hadn't heard his friends apparate. Neville and Luna dashed over to their fallen companion, Neville promptly beginning to examine Harry's arm. As Neville began poking and prodding in earnest, starting by forcibly relocating Harry's shoulder, the auror lost sense of his surroundings. For someone so outwardly gentle, Neville was proving quite the sadist. Well, not genuinely, but it helped Harry distract himself from the throbbing waves of agony. By the time Neville had stopped his prodding, the wolves had effectively decimated the remaining leeches. In a detached sort of way, Harry realized the wolf he had shoved was disappearing behind some trees. The auror couldn't help but snort a little derisively at that. Some gratitude!
"Harry," Neville began sternly. "Remember how Hermione told you that if you kept injuring this arm, you risked losing the use of it? That was two dislocated shoulders, a broken arm, and a splintered wrist ago. Not even including all the damage you took today! Magic can't fix everything Harry, especially not repeat breaks and diminished bone integrity." Harry tried to tune Neville out, mind wandering almost fondly to Madame Pomphrey's Skele-Gro. A tall and unfairly tan guy with biceps the size of Luna's head emerged from the spot the russet wolf had disappeared, pulling a shirt on over his naked torso and jean shorts. "Harry, are you listening to me?" Neville snapped his fingers in front of the wounded auror's face. "Do you fancy finding a new job because you've destroyed your principal wand arm and can't duel anymore? Do you relish the thought of never sending Hagrid another owl? How do you feel about half-arsed wanking with your non-dominant hand for the rest of your randy days?"
Harry groaned, interrupting Neville's rant. "Nevilleeeeee," he whined. "Enough with the lecture already. I'll be more careful, okay?" Neville looked unconvinced but settled for shaking his kindly round face and harumphing in annoyance.
"If I bring you back in anything less than one piece, Hermione will have my head." Before Harry could say anything else, the shifter boy reached them and awkwardly knelt down by Harry's side.
"Are you alright?" the boy said, almost reverently. "I've never seen a human take a blow like that from a vampire and live to tell the tale. You fucking pushed me out the way! How did you even do that? WHY did you even do that?"
"I'll be fine," Harry grunted as Neville helped him to his feet. "I've been hit with worse." Once standing, Neville had to support Harry heavily. The auror's head was swimming. The shape shifter rose too, still not looking grateful enough for Harry's liking. In fact, the guy looked like he wanted to scold Harry just like Neville had!
"Why did you do it?" The guy bit out. "I would have been fine."
"You're making me wish I hadn't!" the Gryffindor shouted. Luna's sharp gaze bore holes into Harry's anger like bullets, causing him to deflate slightly and lose some of his ire. You had to be polite and nice to everyone around Luna Lovegood. She did not appreciate or allow disrespect. Harry had learned the hard way that after being treated as if she was a pariah during most of her Hogwarts days, adult Luna didn't keep friends who acted callously or vindictively. She didn't put up with people bad-mouthing each other and she certainly didn't approve of Harry's tendency to take out his anger on others. He had been on the receiving end of quite a few earfuls courtesy of the petite blond and he had no desire to incite another tongue-lashing. "I don't bloody well know why I did it, okay? I just did. Not to be rude, but I am in pain and would very much like to lie down. A simple 'thank you' from you will be more than sufficient." Harry glared and the shifter balked.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly, not meeting Harry's gaze.
"You're welcome," Harry snarked in reply.
"Good day, pups!" Luna exclaimed brightly. The shape shifter still kneeling looked almost grateful that she had interrupted. Was saying 'thank you' really such a big deal to this dumb yankee? "We'll be seeing you soon!" Luna practically sang out before getting on Harry's other side.
They disapparated.