Author's Note: By way of explanation, this was an English assignment due after we had watched the movie "Rozencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.". The goal was to create a short story following the principles of the Theater of the Absurd style. So don't kill me for being so out of character, I had to be. Still, I think it's a funny enough story to be posted.
Fred and George Are Lost
It was the beginning of the third year of magic classes at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry for the Weasley twins. Their next scheduled class was Divination, rumored to be at the top of the west tower, and they were dreadfully and hopelessly lost.
Fred: I do believe we go up this staircase.
George: That's what you said at the bottom of the last flight of stairs!
Fred: Well, I was right wasn't I? Even if it did end up being a dead end behind Moaning Murtle's bathroom.
George: If you're going to apply that kind of logic, then I know the exact route that will lead us to Divination.
Fred: Oh? You lead then. He pauses on the staircase to let George through.
George: I…I can't.
Fred: Why not? You know the way, don't you?
George paused in front of an open window. George: Well, consider this. One: I will eventually find the divination classroom. Three: The way I find that classroom will be by going up every flight of stairs I see until I find the right one. Four: We don't know how many staircases there are. Five: We will never find the divination classroom.
A gust of wind blows through the window. Fred: You skipped two!
George: What's that you say? You too? Well then, in that case you take the lead.
Fred: I will, thank you very much! Fred leads the two of them further up the spiral set of stairs in silence.
George: Say, George-…
Fred: I'm Fred!
George: I was just trying to point something out to you, no need to shout at me over it.
Fred: Then point it out already and quit messing around. Some of us need to actually get somewhere, you know?
George: Hey, who's the one that got us lost here?
Knight: Doth I hear the syllable 'lost?'
Fred jumps and spins around to stare at a portrait of a knight and noble steed on the interior wall. George just points to the frame.
George: See? This is what I was trying to tell you. Didn't we already pass this picture of a guy and his-
Knight: By Neptune's trident! Dost thou take me for a lowly serf? He draws his sword. I must defend my chivalry! Fred and George lean in to watch the knight put down his visor, wildly swing his sword around, and promptly impale it in the ground in front of him, breathing hard.
George: You wouldn't happen to know the way to the top of the west tower, would you?
Knight: A quest! Follow my lead, good sirs! He attempts to pull his sword out of the earth, gives up, and mounts his horse. He gallops off into the next picture frame.
Fred: See? What did I tell you, I knew this guy could show us the way.
George: But I…You're right.
Fred: I always am.
They continue to follow the knight up the staircase, occasionally having to run to catch up.
George: Say, George-…
Fred: I'm not George!
George: Then who are you?
Fred: He pauses. That depends on who you are.
George: So who am I?
Fred: How am I supposed to know?
George: Hey! I'm the one asking questions here!
Fred: Oh really?
George: Yes rea- There's a loud thump from somewhere above them.
Fred: Did you hear that?
George: I was going to ask y-…
Fred: Shhh!
Fred motions for them to proceed up the staircase. They sneak up and find a small landing with two rectangular boxes painted on the floor. One has an "O" and the other an "X". The way forward is blocked by an iron grate.
Peeves: Gred and Forge! Welcome to my lovely little game~ 3
Gred: Game?
Peeves: Indeed. I will ask a simple question. The answer can only be yes "O" or no "X." Stand in the correct box to answer. Answer correctly and you get a point, answer wrong and it's my point. First to five wins.
Forge: What do we get if we win?
Peeves: He smiles broadly. Why, I'll escort you to Divination of course~!
Gred: And if we lose?
Peeves: He smiles broadly. Why, I'll escort you to Divination of course~! So will you play?
Gred and Forge look at each other. Both: We need to consult first.
Peeves: Of course, take your time.
They whisper. Gred: I think he's trying to trick us.
Forge: I agree. But why? That is the question.
Gred: Indeed. Think about it, the results whether we win or lose are the same, therefore-…
Forge: …-the answers "O" and "X" are technically the same, thus-…
Gred: …-Forge is the same as Gred and Gred is the same as Forge.
Fred: Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. I thought I was George.
George: By Dumbledore's spectacles, you're right!
Fred: I always am.
There's a loud crash and Professor Flitwick appears and spells the iron gate open.
Flitwick: Now that's quite enough Peeves. I say! Quite enough indeed! These two students are supposed to be in my charms class right now!
Fred and George look at each other. Both: Charms class?