There is a moment a bride dreams of when the vows have been spoken and the veil is lifted. When eyes meet for the first time as husband and wife. Every night I dream of it. But my groom's eyes do not shimmer with unshed tears and I see no hopes and fears in his eyes. I see no devotion or undying love. Instead I see the blood of hundreds of innocents. I see the satisfaction of the conqueror. No, there is no love for me but a hope that perhaps I can save those I love.
The swing creaks as I pump my legs in the air. I smell the rust of the chain as it stains my palms. A light breeze pushes my hair across my face as I lean back letting the strands brush the ground as I swing. I am seven and It feel as though I'm flying.
Jacob is there with me. Smiling and watching as always. A teasing light in his eyes. He knows when I want to go higher but holds back making me ask. Ready to push me tirelessly. Patient and kind. My best friend. He has been with me since before I was born; I could feel his presence there even then. I know he'll always be here. As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. Always there, his love is a beacon calling to me. Yup, that's my Jacob.
I'm not your average child to say the least. I don't go to school like other children my age. My Aunt Rosalie likes to say it's because I'm better than the other kids as she strokes my hair possessively. She's right of course. That's not pride or vanity. It's a little sad if you ask me… but it is the truth.
I'm smarter. I taught myself to read just by listening to my mother read to me. Like my mother I pore over the classics fascinated by the fickle lives she tells of. I have read everything I can get my hands on at times even desperate enough to read through Grandpa Carlisle's medical journals. I have read some things perhaps I shouldn't have. Things a child should not have knowledge of. It's like a thirst that I can't satisfy and I search and read always looking but not knowing what it is I'm searching for. No matter how I search there is never a story about someone like me.
There are stories about vampires, all of them laughable. The little bits of truth are hidden between great exaggerations. Not that I don't know there are those out there who do these horrible things, I do. But it is laughable to me that that is all that they see. So shallow these humans. They seem to miss the beauty in everything.
I'm faster than those other kids too. Almost as fast as my Jacob. I can't describe the delight I feel when it is just the two of us in the woods and we are running together and dodging trees leaping as one. We fly together, Jacob and I. Sometimes he lets me ride on his back. Not because I'm tired, we both know I don't tire so easily but because it feels so good to hold him so close. My hands wrapped tightly around his ribs I can feel that big strong heart beating, beating for me. Always Jacob.
As I said I'm faster. I think faster, I move faster, and I even grow faster. I tried to play with human kids once. They smell so sweet to me. I was eager to be close to them. I went to visit Grandpa Charlie once and Ms. Sue had some of the Quillette children over to visit. I smiled sweetly at them remembering not to show my sharp little teeth too much. I remembered to speak slowly and try to let them win the games we played. The games were too easy and I quickly got bored. We went to play outside and decided to play tag. Without thinking I leaped to the branch of a tree and swung myself higher as I often did with Jacob. They had just stood beneath the tree staring at me with their solemn dark eyes. The laughter faded from my eyes as I realized I had not played the game right. No, not their game of chase. The game of human was what I had lost. They continued to stare at me for the rest of the day.. It was as if they knew I was different, a little bit off but were afraid to say and be impolite. Perhaps Ms Sue had warned them. Either way their silence had hurt me more than any words could have. I wanted to run away but sat waiting in my misery. Waiting for this visit to be over.
Then he was there. My Jacob. He walked through the door and I leapt into his arms as I always did. My head fit perfectly under his chin no matter how I grew. He could feel my sadness and I felt his grip tighten. I looked over at the dark eyed children waiting to see their reaction but to my surprise they just stared in awe at Jake. I felt better then. I knew these kids were not for me. That I had something better. I remember Jacob's chuckle when I had stuck out my tongue at them before the adults could see.
I don't feel sadness with Jacob. With him at my side I don't care if there is no other friend for me in the world. He's all the friend I need. He loves me for who I am. No matter if I am different or because I am different. It's not so lonely being the only one. Not when his heart beats strong and fast beside me just like mine….
The little stone cottage looks like something from a fairytale Jake thought to himself as he approached. He almost could see the woodland creatures sweeping and dusting inside for the fairy tale princess to order about. Wow, he thought. Even the smoke from the chimney comes out in perfect little puffs. A snort escaped from behind his teeth as he contemplated the life they had created. It was a life he got to share. Not enough his heart seemed to thunder. Never enough. The lower branches on the tree he rested under were bent and pushed away from his repeated nights here. He should be in his bed. He should be sleeping in a house not lying under a tree in the snow like some deranged stalker. But most nights this is where he slept, his thick fur protecting him from the cold. He told himself he slept better here knowing he was close if she needed him but he knew he was lying to himself. She was safe and loved. Protected by a greater predator than even he.
A soft whine escaped from his throat as he waited. Watching. He closed his eyes for a moment putting a heavy paw across his muzzle. It was so hard to feel like this. To be so consumed. All he could think of was Renesme. Yet there was more to think of. He pushed the thought out of his head and came to his feet. Serious thoughts would not help him sleep. A quick lap around the perimeter of the house would settle him. Then he would rest.
He loped along his mind drifting over thoughts of Nessie. As always. She was growing so quickly he thought. Everyday a little change. He knew how this made Bella and Edward feel. He knew their fear. Sometimes he felt their eyes watching him. Was it jealousy he saw? That Nessie loved to be with him too? That she sought him out as soon as she woke? He knew it tried their patience at times, how he was always over their shoulder watching. Waiting for his turn. The rest of their family was less tolerant. Rosalie barely controlled her resentment. The only thing holding her back from an attack was the fear of upsetting Nessie. But if eyes could kill, Jacob thought.
He finished his run and circled back to his tree. His ears strained as he paced, searching for one little sound. A light whine escaped his throat and he knew he would cave before he even took one step closer. He knew this was their time with her. He knew Edward was there and so close he must hear Jacob's thoughts. He waited. Watched. He inched a bit closer staying behind a snow drift as if it really hid him. Again he thought to himself this is their time but he had been waiting. It hurt to wait. It felt like holding his breath and waiting. The burn filled his chest his mind screamed to breath but there was no air without Nessie.
Just a quick peek, he thought scooting a little closer on his belly. How low I've been brought he thought as his stomach rubbed across the snow. A few more feet and he was to her window. He settled there for a moment. Felt her closeness even through the walls. Almost content to be this close. Just one quick peek he thought to himself. Just to see she was resting. He wiggled in impatience. He strained to hear movement in the house. None. Wait. Lay here. Be patient. Frustration rolled in his mind. His eyes rolled up and he sat up. He rested his muzzle quickly on the window sill. He leaned in, nose to the windowpane, he focused, eyes strained, searched.
A beam of moonlight filtered through. It felt perfectly on the bed producing a faint sparkle. His heart flipped as he recognized the shape of her cheek. Peace filled him. He knew he should return to the tree or better his own home before he was caught but he just couldn't do it. His eyes feasted on the precious little girl he would do anything for. He tried not to be disappointed that she hadn't waked to his nearness. He wondered if he could get away with a little scratch on the window. He searched the shadows of her bedroom. No, Edward and Bella are not there. He snorted at the thought of their usual night time activities when Nessie slept. No pain or jealousy now. Just a vague annoyance was left from the feelings that almost killed him before.
Just as he lifted his paw to put the lightest touch to the glass he smelled her. He was not surprised she got behind him without him knowing. When he was tuned to Nessie everything else seemed to fade but her.
"Don't even think about it Jake." Bella hissed. "She needs her rest and YOU know that." Jake turned to meet her eyes. He let a whine creep from his throat working on her pity. He chose not to phase hoping the puppy eyes would work better on her. Bella reached a hand up and gently stroked the fur on the side of his head. Jake pushed his head into it relishing the trust and love in that touch. There had been no Bells and Jacob time since Nessie. It was all her. For a moment they both stood silently willing reality away.
" Jake," she whispered. "You can't just keep watching." He knows she's not talking about now. There is pity in her voice. He knows she doesn't want to hurt him again. He hears firmness as she continues.
"You can't keep doing this". He whines again begging now. He rests his head on the windowsill eyes staring, fixed on where Nessie lays. "I know. Edward knows. We know how it feels to love someone so much it hurts to breathe without them near. We get that Jacob. But you need to understand our side. She's our child. For how long we don't know. This is new and it's not like a human childhood. It goes so fast". She sighed then, " She will be thirteen soon, then sixteen, then we know things will change. We know you don't think of that now, the future you two will have. Edward sees your thoughts and their 'purity' for lack of a better word is what has saved you so far. Jacob", it sounded as though she were begging now and she looked at me with Nessie's chocolate eyes. " This is our one chance to be parents. Their won't be another, for any of us."
Jacob held her gaze for a long moment. He knows her pain. He's shared looks over Nessie's head at every measurement and every development. He was there for every birthday as they sped by so much faster than a normal child. He tries to convey with a look that he understands, but like a puppet drawn by invisible strings he is drawn back to Nessie. Even more now that he detects a hint of sadness. With one last attempt he whines again at Bella. With the tip of her finger she taps him on his nose. No Jake! Bad dog!
Trying to appear insulted Jacob slinks away. He tried to feel angry and resentful with Bella and the rest of the Cullen's but just couldn't bring himself to it. He of all people knew too well how precious every moment with Nessie was. Every word she spoke and those she didn't. Every touch soft or rough. Every sigh of contentment, wonder, and lately sadness. He wanted to be there to hear them all. He stored every moment of their time together in his memory for when he was forced away. He'd let this obsession he'd felt have full rein and why not? It felt so good and there was no fight. She wanted to be near him as much as he wanted to be near her. He had never tried to control it, to force his love back. He still couldn't see a reason too when all he did was to make her happy, to see her smile. He knew it was hurting them. Her family…. He stopped. Frozen. Was this the sadness she tried to hide? Was the tension between him and her family so obvious? Without even knowing it had he been hurting her in his own selfish way? They saw him as a future that would take her away and she had to feel it. When she became older. When she became his. It didn't matter that Edward could see his thoughts and intentions. It didn't matter that Jacob had not even thought that far ahead. It was still there in the back of their minds haunting them and in turn hurting Nessie. With more to think about he decided to return to his father's house.
Nessie stood and twirled for her Aunt Alice. She loved the look of pleasure Alice had when a dress fit just right. She tapped first one toe then the other on the floor dancing quickly to Alice and then grabbing her hand. With a giggle she and Alice pranced around the room to Jasper. Nessie wiggled her eyebrows at her frowning uncle waiting for the corner of his mouth to turn up. He looked at her intently but kept his arms crossed in front of his chest. Alice waited patiently, and Jasper gave up taking Nessie's other hand to step out in a little jig. His reward was her giggle of delight. Emmet's loud guffaw was choked back quickly as he tried to avoid his nieces' attention. Too late he realized his mistake as he too was led around to jig and dance for Nessie's amusement. Her delight was in her laughter as she jumped and twirled between them faster and faster.
"All right, Nessie." Bells interrupted with a grin. She placed the layer cake on the table and tucked a loose curl behind Nessie's ear. "The guests will be arriving soon. How 'bout you help me set out the food?" Nessie wrinkled her nose but pranced to the kitchen to help.
"Your right Bella", Alice said. "They will be turning up the drive soon. I'm going to fetch Nessie's birthday gift. She's gonna love it!" Rosalie glared at her as she danced out of the room. "I have no chance at all to be the favorite Aunt when she knows exactly what she wants. It's just not fair." Alice turned and stuck out her tongue from the doorway and then was gone.
Charlie and Jacob knocked at the front door and Nessie raced past to open it before anyone else. She leaped into Jacobs arms without hesitation; they were already open and ready for her. She then turned her cheek for Charlie's kiss and grinned at Sue and Seth. "A birthday?"Jacob teased when she checked his empty hands for a gift. Don't tell me it's your birthday."With a pout on her lip she looked at him from under her lashes. She touched his cheek to tell him she didn't like the teasing and wanted his gift laughed and balanced her on one arm while reaching into his front pocket. He pulled out a thin gold chain with a tiny heart on it. "Here", he said gently setting her down to fasten it around her neck. "You already have my heart". Their eyes met and no other words were needed as she looked at him with adoration. Charlie cleared his throat and stepped past. "O.k. Bells, where do the other less important gifts go? And I'm starving. Sue hasn't been keeping up her end." This followed by a glare from Sue.
The party continued. From a distance it looked like any other child's party. Only if you looked closely could you see the little differences. The stillness of some of the guests as their focus was on the birthday girl. The looks passed between Edward and Alice before each gift was opened. The way the birthday girl held each gift to show her best friend for his approval, a man who towered over her yet had the same look as he shared her excitement.
Bella lit the candles on the cake the flames winking happily as Nessie screwed her face up thinking hard of her birthday wish. Edward rolled his eyes and looked at Alice as he read his daughters mind. She returned a smug smile and snapped yet another picture for Nessies elaborate photo album. She gently tapped the box beneath her chair.
" Wow. Ten already," Charlie muttered. It had only been three years.
"Ya, Nessie at this rate you'll be sixteen before you blow out those candles," Seth joked. The joke fell flat and you could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed. Seth looked around eyebrows raised. "What he asked?" Once again Edward chimed in answering everyone's thoughts. "A joke people, nothing more. No double meanings relax."
Nessie looked around eyes tense, waiting her hand reached to Jacob but he stepped back nodding to her cake. He didn't need to feel her touch to know the wonder and fear in her eyes. Even Charlie who seemed oblivious to most of the drama seemed to have caught on.
Rosalie's lip cuurled and she spat at Jacob, " Good job dog. AS if your stench hadn't already ruined the party. You certainly know how to ruin the mood. Jacob tried to ignore the anger building in his chest. He looked at Nessie seeing her eyes fill with sadness…
"Your birthday wish!" Alice chirped, changing the subject quickly. With twinkling laughter she pulled the large box from under her chair.
"It's not fair", Emmett grumbled. "You always know exactly what she wants."
" Yup", Alice replied placing the box in front of Nessie. "But that's why I'm the favorite Aunt." The faintest scratching could be heard coming from the box. Jasper sighed. Nessie lifted the lid with a squeal, the tension of earlier quickly forgotten as she pulled her last gift from its box. Jasper groaned, "Really Alice, a kitten?
"Every little girl wants a kitten", Alice replied defensively. Nessie held the tiny puff of white fur up for everyone to see." Not our Nessie", Rosalie said as she smirked. " I thought for sure she was a dog person." Jacob took a step toward her and she hissed.
"Enough Rosalie," Carlisle spoke. "This is not the time."
" Then when?" she pushed. " When is it the right time? When he takes her again and disappears for the day? You know Alice can't see where they go?" Her angry tone had turned to a whine. "I barely get any time with her at all."
" Not the time Rose," Emmett hedged pulling her arm. His interference only seemed to anger her more.
"Always here, always a problem". She met Jake' eyes letting the resentment poor from them. "Like a deranged stalker or a or a pedifile just waiting for the right moment."
Gasps filled the room as everyone's shock that Rosalie had gone so far registered. That was it, his control gone Jacob felt the shudders shake his body. Rage poured through him and he felt the space inside his body swell, tense ready to explode. His eyes turned to Nessie and met her eyes.
Nessie stood quietly. Tears rolled down her cheeks and her eyes were filled with pain. She looked from him to Rosalie her bottom lip trembled. All the rage left his body and a huge wave of guilt washed through him. The one thing he swore he'd never let happen. Nessie was in pain and he was the reason. In the awkward silence that followed he barely registered Emett's voice. "So Nessie, what are you gonna name the little snack?"
Jacob left right after the cake. He knew Nessie wanted him to stay. He had felt the tug of her eyes and it had been hard to resist. More than hard, it had taken a sheer act of will to leave that house. He had and now he drove down the dirt road slowly.
For the rest of the party he had watched Nessie. Not in his usual absorbed way but from the outside. Really seeing her. She had been quiet. A tiny frown between her delicate eyebrows. She had held the kitten close but had not made her usual squeals and warm touches to share her delight with all around her. The whole family had quieted and some of the magic of the day seemed to have left the cottage. "But you loved this," Alice said. Her eyes looked at Nessie in confusion.
Jacob had watched. He really looked at Nessie's face without the blanket of his love to blur the image. That's when he saw it. The unhappiness she hid between warm bursts of love. The feelings no one else could sense. They all thought she was an open book because of her gift but she had been holding out on them. She met his eyes and it was like a wall slipped over her emotions. She rubbed the kitten on her cheek and nuzzled the warm fur breathing in its warmth and life. She pressed her nose to the tiny kitten's nose and made baby noises to it showing her happiness in each practiced movement. He felt everyone else relax as she played.
How had she changed the mood so quickly? He wondered if somehow she had the same mood altering gift as Jasper. No she couldn't. She already could share her thoughts through touch. It was obvious she could shield like her mother. He wondered if anyone else had discovered this. Realization dawned on him and he wondered if maybe she had a bit of Edward's gift too. If she could read thoughts… then she would know why everyone was so tense. He groaned and ducked his head. What would she be thinking of him then? Would she think he was some type of monster the way Rosalie did? Not that what that leech thought of him really mattered but still if she put her disgusting thoughts in Nessie's head. He felt the quivering of his muscles yet again. He pulled to the side of the road parking the rabbit, planning to come back to it later. He phased as he lept into the brush. his paws hit the snow in a rhythmic pattern. He eased into a moderate pace, not really running with any direction in mind. Just away. He caught the scent of an elk but kept moving , his mind not on food. He reached out calling for Sam. Searching for him. What would have been instant before the break up of the pack into two was now forced. It didn't matter. He knew where Sam would be. His course set he shut off his mind trying to enjoy the run.
Sam and Emily were asleep when he arrived. Their twins lay nestled between them on their bed. Jacob's sharp bark brought Sam awake. He kissed Emily on her cheek and eased from the bed.
Jacob stood on the front porch watching the snow fall. His arms were crossed loosely over his bare chest. Sam didn't speak but just stood next to him quietly giving him time to gather his thoughts. He waited patiently, his eyes following the grain of the worn wood on the porch steps.
"Could you have pulled back?" Jacob finally said. " I mean I know you knew it was hurting Leah but if it was hurting Emily too, could you have stopped it?"
Sam knew what Jacob was talking about. When he had first imprinted on Emily, Leah and He had been together. They had been in love and his imprinting had seemed like a betrayal to Leah. He had been forced to listen to her pain every time the pack was together. It lashed at him filling him with regret that he had hurt her so badly. Still, holding Emily now he wouldn't choose to take that pain away. But if Emily had not wanted him. If it had hurt Emily to be with her. He thought back to the day he had lost control and the accident that had happened. He had wanted to run away then. When he had hurt her. He had despised himself for what he had done. Only Emilys love and insistence that it wasn't his fault had stayed him. Only her conviction that there was nothing to forgive had kept him from despair. Could he have left if she had asked him? Yes. He would do anything she asked but leave on his own will? No. The look he gave Jacob said it all.
Jacob thrust his fingers through his hair digging his fingers in and pulling. Sam could not see into Jacobs head but he knew it had to be bad for him to even think of trying to leave Nessie. It was the last thing Sam had ever thought Jacob would ask. His shock helped him to remain silent. He knew the wisdom of silence . He waited for Jacob to say more.
"Ok, so not forever. I mean I know I can't be without her forever but maybe if I set a time limit or something. If I had it in my head that all I had to do was wait. Stay away and wait till she was ready. If you knew it was for the best, could you have done it then? Jake looked at him pleading for the answer he wanted to hear. Sam was startled by the pain he saw there." If you knew you were hurting her?" Jacob finished.
"Jacob how could you hurt Nessie, what could you do?" Imprinting formed a bond so strong there was nothing you wouldn't do for the person you imprinted on. It was physically impossible to hurt that person intentionally… unless he lost control. Sam looked at him sharply. He gave a silent prayer that it hadn't happened that way."
"No, No,"Jacob muttered, frustrated at trying to explain himself. He thought how much easier it would have been if they had this conversation in their animal forms. No, not really he remembered with a grimace. Not since the splitting of the pack.
Sam thought again in the silence as Jacob struggled for words. Sam knew nothing Nessie could do would cause Jacob to loose control. That left her family. Jacob's willingness to be near the bloodsuckers denied his heritage. Maybe it was finally wearing on him. Still he waited not commenting, afraid to jump to the wrong conclusion.
"I love her ya know? I would give her anything she wanted, anything she asked for. My life if that's what it took. But, I can feel her sadness. I think I know why she's hurting. I don't know but I think somehow I'm causing it. Nessie's so smart. So grown up. Sometimes I forget she's such a little knows she's special, different. She tries not to live that way , to be normal. She just wants to be a kid." He sighed. The one thing she doesn't get to be… or not for long. And there I am . A wolf in sheep's clothing just waiting for her to be old enough too… I mean what is that? This is all so unfair." Jacob leaned over clutching his stomach now, the emotions raw playing across his face. I want her to be a kid. I love every moment. Every discovery. I want to see everything she does. Share it with her".
Sam continued to listen carefully keeping his face blank. "Sam", Jacob groaned, saying his name like a question.
Sam looked into Jacobs eyes. He saw the decision Jacob had already made. He clasped his shoulder. I can't tell you what to do, I never could. You already made your decision. Just tell me what you want from me."
Jacob blinked. He had made a decision. He was leaving. It was the only way. He couldn't go to say goodbye. He knew Nessie wouldn't understand and would ask him to stay. If she did, he wouldn't have the will to leave. He would head north. Let the wolf out. He'd promised Leah a visit so he'd find her. Hopefully the time would pass quickly. Hopefully the hole already forming in his chest wouldn't continue to get bigger. He told himself this was for Nessie. For Bella. It was keeping a promise he had made long ago.
Nessie held her kitten to her cheek again. Two weeks had passed and it still felt so fragile in her hands. She listened to its heartbeat so fast in it's chest. She stroked a finger between it's eyes smoothing the fur there. The morning light streamed in her window yet she lay there. She felt the thirst in the bac of her throat and breathed in the scent of her kitten. Her stomach grumbled and she giggles pulling the covers over her head. The kitten mewed its tiny claws trying to let it escape. Nessie put the frightened animal to her cheek again pushing her feelings of comfort and love into its mind. The kitten slowly calmed, it's fur flattening as it curled into a little ball. A light purr throbbed from it's throat as Nessie continued to sooth it with her thoughts and the gentle strokes of her fingertips.
When her door opened with a creak she shifted her attention for the sounds of approach. There were none of course. As usual. She felt the dip of the bed as someone sat on the edge then the tug on her cover's. She peeped out into the teasing eyes of her father. "come on lazy girl. It's time to get up." Nessie reached a hand to him finding it easier not to have to use her words. She filled his mind with The image of Jacob's big brown eyes. He could almost feel the brush of the wolves fur as she shared with him. The longing accompanying these images tore at his heart. "I'm sure he's close by watching Nessie', he hedged. He broke contact before she could search his mind. He gently lifted her and the kitten from the warm haven of their bed. Her heartbeat played a quick melody in his ear as he carried her out of her room to the kitchen.
Bells moved swiftly around the kitchen. Rapidly she broke eggs into a bowl and whisked them. She checked the biscuits in the oven and placed a platter of bacon and sausage on the table. The smell of breakfast filled the air. Nessie wrinkled her nose but looked around hopefully. He eyes stopped on the two place settings at the table. Nessie knew that her Grandpa Charlie was coming for breakfast today. Charlie still preferred to be left in the dark about most details surrounding his unique would have to be nice and eat instead of her usual liquid diet. Jacob usually came with him though. A lump settled in her throat as she eyed the door.
Edward set Nessie down on a chair. Her foot made a soft thud as it hit the floor. She pretended not to see the worried glance that passed between her parents. Her fine hearing detected the rumble of Charlies car and she leaped from her seat to the door. She pressed her nose to the window pane, her eyes searching the car. Bella moved even faster whisking the plates of steaming food to the table. Edward leaned back and watched as she moved, seeing the tension in Bella's movements.
Nessie felt the tension behind her as surely as if they were speaking. Her eyes swept the driveway now. They searched the shadows of the woods on either side of her house. Her ears strained for the sound of huge russet paws pounding on the ground. Nothing. It didn't make sense. Jacob always came on Charlies visits. The mountains of food were as much for him as Charlie. For a moment Nessie had an odd feeling of rear but then just as quickly as it came it was gone. Jacob would be here soon. My Jacob.