04/11/2010
Neal was thin, he always had been. He probably should have been eating more but he always made sure he didn't let himself get full. He wasn't worried about gaining weight as much as he kept the slight feeling of hunger to remind him of times when things hadn't gone well for him and where he had come from. After a while in his chosen profession he realized that it also helped if he didn't feel weighed down when he was trying to fit through tight spaces and do whatever complicated moves he needed to acquire the various works of art and cash he had stashed in several places across Europe and the Caribbean.
When Peter had finally caught up to him and he went to prison he kept it up. He knew that he would get out and he needed to keep some sort of control while he was in. Everything else was regimented and controlled, it was the one decision he could make that no one else could override. It also helped ingratiate him to some of the others that benefited from what he offered them off his plate. He never really noticed just how much less he was allowing himself but since he wasn't really expending too much energy he wasn't losing too much so it worked out.
Everything went well and he ate enough to keep him going but not so much as to totally lose that slight hungry all the time feeling. He thought it gave him an edge and it had seemed to work until he got out. He had never thought to raise his caloric intake when he got out, he ate like he did in prison and didn't really pay attention to the fact that he was needed to be a lot more active and he started to shed a few pounds here and there but since he didn't have a scale he didn't notice the gradual changes as he thinned out further.
He put down the occasional dizzy spells and stomach aches to stress from working with the FBI and Peter's threats to toss him back if he didn't keep the closure rate up and keep his fingers from where they don't belong. He did like to eat the fancier foods and drink really good wines but he never let himself indulge too much and if he did them he just didn't eat as much the following days. It was a balancing act and he hadn't restored the balance since prison, he never even noticed when the balance got so far off because he was always trying to keep up with working and the late nights and it just all seemed more important, after a while he had tuned out all but the most extreme signals from his body.
He and Peter were trying to track down some phony gold coins, they were good, really good but the clever person behind the scheme didn't get the nine in the year right and they were on to him. They managed to track him to a seedy part of town and when he ran Peter took off after him and Neal called for back up and then tried to catch up. Peter had caught the guy and was cuffing him when Neal got there. For a few seconds Neal felt the edges of the world start to close in and he took a deep breath and tried to focus. He swayed a bit and managed to stay upright, the look on Peter's face showed concern but it vanished when Neal smiled and looked like he was fine.
"Sorry just a bit winded, I guess I should have had a cup of coffee or something this morning, I'm dying for a caffeine fix." Neal said trying to divert Peter's attention.
"We'll stop for some after we get him processed." Peter said as he noticed back up arriving and he handed off their perp and directed the evidence techs. "I think this calls for a nice celebration, I'll call El and see if she wants to go out tonight. I think the three of us deserve something special, us for solving the case and El for putting up with us while we did, what do you say Neal? I'm buying." Peter said as he reached for his phone to check with his wife. He was pretty sure she had the night clear, it's not often they all had a Friday night where the three of them were available. Maybe after dinner they could bring Neal home with them and enjoy some time together, they had to be discrete but still tonight would be fine, he thought as he dialed.
Neal looked at Peter and figured that the choice had been made and it as taken for granted that he'd be going to dinner. It sounded like a nice thing to do and it would get him out for a while, he did really enjoy talking with El, she wasn't judgmental and really seemed to connect with him, not to mention she had excellent taste and the fringe benefits of sharing them both were amazing, they hadn't been able to get together for a while now with the way things had been working out.
"Sure sounds like a wonderful idea Peter, I hope El's up for it." Neal agreed for forms sake since Peter was already waiting for his wife to pick up the call.
Peter told El of his plan and then told her to pick a restaurant and they'd be there in a few hours to pick her up for dinner. Then they headed back to the office to fill out the paperwork, file reports and generally do the follow up to closing a case. Neal headed for the bathroom and took a few moments to fix up his appearance before they left to get El.
When they arrived El took a long look at Neal and in the last week and a half since she had seen him noticed that he looked washed out, his sparkle wasn't really there. She asked Neal to give Satchmo a quick walk and turned to Peter.
"How is Neal feeling? He doesn't look well." She asked as she thought about how he looked last time he was over and how he looked now.
Peter thought a moment and then remembered the small stumble and look on Neal's face from earlier in the day. "I think I need to talk to him about pushing himself too hard. Now that you mention it he does look like there is something wrong." Peter said and was going to continue when Neal came back in and let Satchmo off his leash.
"Ready to go?" He asked as he put the leash away.
"Sure, I have the perfect place picked out. I hope you like Italian because I really love it." El said smirking at her husband, she was never going to let him forget the fact she had to make a sign to get him to ask her out. She was originally going to suggest sushi but changed her mind thinking that Neal looked like he could really use a filling meal.
They piled into the car and Neal dozed in the back seat while Peter kept giving him concerned looks in the rear view mirror. He was noticing more and more things out of place now that El had pointed out that there was something not quite right. He found a spot to park and had to shake Neal to get him up.
"Sorry, I must be more tired then I thought and that coffee from earlier doesn't seem to have helped much." Neal said sheepishly as he got out of the car and stood up. He staggered a bit and Peter caught him and held him up as he got himself back under control.
"Neal are you sick or something? You seem to be off today." Peter asked as he walked Neal and El down the street one hand on the small of each of their back's, one on El to be close to his wife and the one on Neal for mostly the same reason and just in case he swayed again. Peter was really worried since Neal always seemed like the picture of health and this was very un-Neal like and that made him nervous.
"I'm fine, really I am. I just haven't been sleeping well." Neal said mostly as an excuse, he figured that maybe he had let his blood sugar get to low, he tried to remember when he last ate and what he had and came up with a complete blank.
"Really? Maybe you should see someone about that, it looks like you've lost some weight too." El added as she reached to open the door and the scents of really good Italian food wafted out.
Neal's stomach reacted in two ways at once, he felt a little queasy and at the same time hunger pangs hit him harder then he had ever felt before. His hand almost went to his mouth but he managed to just smile wider and tried to push both sensations down. He was definitely going to have to eat a bit more then usual, he had underestimated his body's needs and if El and Peter were picking up on it then Mozzie would take one look he'd know for sure something was up and a worried Mozzie was overwhelming at times especially since he had tried to point out Neal's eating habits weren't regular even before he went into prison and he had made a good show of eating and acting like he was fine around Moz, if he knew that Neal was still having issues he may say something to Peter and then Peter would step in and say something and who knows what kind of hassles that would cause.
They were seated fairly quickly and Neal tried to read the menu but he was feeling a bit dizzy again. He just couldn't get his eyes and mind to focus on the tiny words on the menu. He knew he was in trouble, if he had let himself get distracted enough to let the hunger get this bad he knew he'd gone to far. He needed to get this sorted out quickly before the problem became too obvious, he didn't want Peter or El to worry and it looked like they were already noticing something wasn't right. Neal quickly decided he'd have Penne Pomodoro, almost every restaurant had it on the menu and it should get things back on an even keel once he had something in his stomach.
They ordered and were just chatting when someone at the bar in the back of the dining room started to shout, that was followed by a woman shouting and before he knew what was going on Peter was up and heading towards the disturbance and by instinct Neal got up and followed. By the time they had crossed the room the man had drawn back his arm to slap the woman and Peter managed to get her out of the way of the blow and it connected with Neal's cheek. Peter got a hold of the man and Neal just stood there shocked. The police showed up and Peter gladly handed over the guy and turned to check on the woman and Neal. She seemed shaken but totally unharmed; she thanked them for the intervention and walked off back to her table. Peter took a look at Neal and there was a hand shaped red marking darkening his cheek.
"I'm going to the restroom to take a look at this." Neal said brushing he hand over his cheek. Peter nodded and watched him go, he stumbled and bit and he decided to follow just in case Neal had been hurt worse then he looked. He was pushing open the men's room door when he heard a thump and saw Neal lying on the floor with the water in the sink still running. He rushed over and started to check his pulse when Neal started to come around.
Neal had gotten to the sink and he could feel the adrenaline rush from the slap fading and taking the edges of his vision with it, he knew he had to get to get to the bathroom and had made it to the sink when his vision tunneled and then the world went dark and he felt like he was floating. It seemed to take forever but he heard Peter asking him to open his eyes. He tried and finally managed it, the world still felt vague and disconnected but he could see the relief that opening his eyes brought to Peter. It took a few moments but he started to feel a bit more connected to the planet and he was able to sit up without help.
"Sorry about that, I guess I wasn't ready for the adrenaline rush to go away, I'm fine. If you help me up we can get back to dinner." Neal said hoping that Peter would take the hint and just let them get back on with their meal.
Peter looked at Neal and considered it for a moment. Then he offered Neal a hand up and though he was still a bit shaky Neal was able to stand without to much help.
"Lean back against the counter and let me take a look at your face and then we can see about either finishing our meal or taking you to the hospital." Peter said as he took a really good look at the bruise forming on Neal's cheek. He even took a peek at Neal's pupils, which were equal, he thought for a moment and decided to listen to Neal for now. They would eat and then he'd take Neal back to the house and make sure that he had a good night sleep curled up next to El. They would talk in the morning and he would get to the bottom of this. It looked like that night of playful sex he was hoping for might have to wait.
The rest of the meal went well and as Neal ate more of his sparkle and liveliness came back, though he still looked like he might faint again. Peter was not looking forward to the talk, he needed to talk to El and get her take on it first and if he could find Neal's mysterious little friend again maybe bring him in on it too. This time he felt that there was more at stake then when they had their "Kate intervention". This time there was something really wrong with Neal and it couldn't go on.
They went back to the house and got Neal settled in their bed. He fell asleep pretty quickly and Peter shut the door and went to have a talk with his wife, he hoped she could shed some insight on the situation. She seemed to understand the way Neal felt as well as he knew or could predict with a reasonable amount of accuracy how Neal thought.
"El, I think Neal has a problem and I'm not sure what to do. He fainted in the bathroom after he got hit tonight. The slap shouldn't have been hard enough to cause that." Peter said as they sat on the sofa together.
"I can see he's losing weight, at least a few pounds since the last time he was over and he couldn't really afford to lose it. He was almost too thin to begin with, you probably don't see it because you're with him everyday and it's been gradual but I can see it. Has he been depressed or something?" El asked as she cuddled closer to her husband.
"I'm worried he may be sick and trying to hide it, the only other thing I can come up with is some sort of eating disorder and there hasn't ever been a record of that in his file." Peter said as he tried to recall his files on Neal and nothing suggested anything like that in his history.
"We need to talk to him and see if he's willing to open up to us. He needs to get help, he needs it, whether it's physical or emotional we can't let him go on like this." El said and they both went to up to sleep.
The morning came sooner then any of them wanted and El was up first, and noticed that Neal was just starting to wake up as she finished up her morning bathroom rituals. She gave him a kiss and went to start the coffee and get an idea for breakfast. It was odd to have company on a Saturday morning but it felt good to have her men in the house. She stopped a second to remember when Neal had become theirs. She didn't know why it happened it just felt right. She went to work gathering the makings for French toast, it was quick, easy and filling and would keep them around the table long enough to talk without putting all the focus on Neal. Neal liked being the center of attention when it wasn't something that directly involved his personal thoughts and feelings; he was like most men that way. She had figured out a long time ago the best time to talk to Peter was when he was doing something else at the same time, like driving. He paid attention to the road and answered without too much thinking of the answer he thought she wanted and she could look at him and watch his reactions without him noticing. She hoped that food would distract Neal enough for her to get a good look at how he reacted and what he said.
She had everything ready to go by the time Neal came down looking better then the night before.
"Peter should be another five minutes, what are you doing?" Neal asked as he watched El make breakfast.
"Waiting for the both of you to get down here so I can finish the food and we can eat." She said with a smile. She handed him a cup of coffee and watched him add milk and sugar and take a sip, she still wasn't sure how he took it, it seemed to change from time to time.
He savored the coffee, it wasn't what he sometimes had at June's but it was good, and it was nice to be back in their bed even if he just slept. He watched as El flipped the bread from the pan onto a plate and then put it in the oven to keep warm until they were ready to eat. Peter came down and she handed him a cup of coffee already made the way he liked it. They all sat down and El served up the French toast putting several pieces on each plate instead of putting the plate on the table and letting them serve themselves. The extra went in the center of the table in case someone wanted more. She figured this way she could keep track of who ate how much at least to start with. She watched Neal put some apricot jam on his while Peter reached for the butter and syrup. She smiled and put some jam on a piece of hers and syrup on anther. She liked it either way and variety was the spice of life.
They ate in silence for a while and when neither of them said anything she decided it was up to her, as usual to start the conversation. She waited until she swallowed and thought about how she'd bring up the subject.
"So Neal what exactly happened last night to leave you looking so colorful?" She asked looking at his cheek, it really didn't look all that bad.
"I got in the way of someone's hand as he tried to slap a damsel in distress. Peter managed to save her but I wasn't so lucky." He said hoping that Peter hadn't told her what happened in the bathroom but he really didn't think he'd keep the secret, he told El everything.
"That's not all of it, what else?" She prodded him.
"I'm sure Peter told you everything, I was having an off day." He answered, still holding out some hope that she'd let it drop.
She didn't and eventually she coaxed him into telling her the whole story in between bites of French toast, she noticed that he was eating more to avoid talking and if it got food into him she wasn't going to complain about how long it took to get him to tell her. The more she watched him the more she was sure that there was something amiss in his eating habits and that he wasn't sick. He seemed to be more like himself today and the only real difference was a good night sleep and a few good meals. She looked over at Peter and he seemed to have figured it out too. Now they just had to figure out why Neal wasn't taking proper care of himself and how it could be fixed. This was going to be a long-term thing until they could get him into the habit of being better to himself and eating responsibly. He had to know they cared and were willing to help him through this, she just wondered how it started since he didn't seem to have the usual body image issues that lead to eating disorders.
The morning gave way to afternoon and they were still talking even though the meal was long done. Neal eventually tried to explain how he let himself stay a little hungry and that he just never adjusted fully to being out of prison. Peter thought of what he knew about Neal and was able to partially understand the early reasons, staying thin and nimble for his former occupation and even to some extent the staying hungry as a way to remind himself that he had to keep working and keep ahead of things to keep food on his table.
The more they listened the more it seemed that prison is where the problem went from being a minor quirk to being a dangerous issue. The loss of almost all of his choices had led to Neal starving himself into this state and if it hadn't been noticed who knows how far he would have gone and how bad he would have let it get before something really drastic happened.
"Neal, honey, just try to take care of yourself. We care about you and don't want to see you in pain. Now I know you'd like to get home and do what ever it is that you do on a beautiful Saturday and we need to do some shopping so why don't you let Peter drive you to June's and we'll see you later, unless you feel like going to get groceries?" El suggested with a hug for Neal and look for her husband. Neal leaned into the hug and then let go and gave her a lingering kiss and headed up to get his clothes from the night before.
"Peter before you lecture him or even say anything we need to talk. Just let him be for now, if you try and force him to eat better it's just going to cause a bigger issue. This started with him losing control and you trying to take more of it away from him is going to cause a problem." El said as soon as Neal was out of earshot.
"Alright El, I'll leave it for today but I hope you have some ideas for taking care of this without me lecturing him." Peter said as he grabbed his wallet and keys.
"When you get home we'll go over a few things and then maybe see if Neal wants to came over for dinner or if he wants some time to himself. It'll be fine just get him back to June's for now. I have a call to make and a few other things I want to work on. Oh! Maybe you should stop for lunch too since it's getting to be about that time." El said as she grabbed a pad and started writing and then went for her laptop to look up a few things.
The ride to June's included a trip to a deli on the way and even though Neal wasn't really hungry he ate anyway. He didn't want Peter to be any more disappointed in him the he must already be. He was surprised he didn't get some sort of talk from Peter but he wasn't looking a gift horse in the mouth, he thanked Peter for lunch and watched him head home. Neal then went up to his room and showered and put on some of his most comfortable jeans and a soft T-shirt. After he got cleaned up and feeling more like himself he promised himself that he'd pay more attention to himself if not for his own sake but for Peter, El and Mozzie. He could do it, he just had to break an old habit, it would be hard but he'd figure it out.
Peter got home and say his wife sitting in the dining room with Neal's friend "Dante" and thought that El really did know how he thought, because he was going to suggest bringing him into this. If anyone knew how to get through to Neal the three of them did.
"Peter I have a few ideas and we think they might work. We just have to run it by Neal. We can't force him to do anything we have to coax and encourage him." El said as she added to the list she had made.
They called Neal to see if he wanted to join them that night but he declined and said he be over in the morning.
The next day they had Mozzie over for brunch, Peter was getting used to having Mozzie around and he knew the Neal considered him a very good friend so it only seemed right that he was here for this talk with Neal.
Mozzie arrived earlier then Neal and they discussed how to broach the topic with Neal. They had come up with a plan that wouldn't put Neal on the spot too much and hopefully would allow them to get through to him. Neal let himself in and noticed that all three of them were looking at him.
"I feel like I'm about to lectured, so what's going on?" He asked as he stepped further into the house and shut the door.
"We all care about you Neal and we need to have a chat." Peter said as he sat down at the table. He gestured for Neal to sit as well and El and Mozzie stepped out to the kitchen to grab the appetizers they had for the brunch.
"Why do I feel like I'm about to be tossed to the lions?" Neal said trying to smile his widest "I'm harmless and have done nothing wrong smile".
"Don't worry, we just want to talk about the other night." Peter said trying to sound reassuring.
"And it takes all three of you?" Neal asked with some trepidation.
"It takes all three of us to tell you we are here for you and we'll do whatever we can to help you." El said as she and Mozzie came back into the room carrying a few plates.
Neal looked up and her and snagged a mini quiche and popped it in his mouth and smiled as if to show her he could be a good boy.
"We have a few suggestions, but it's up to you if you want to try them." El said as she put the plates down and then helped Moz put the ones he was carrying down. "First suggestion is to keep a food diary, usually dieters keep them but in your case it's not to let you know when to stop it's so you can keep accurate tabs on yourself and it may help you from getting caught up in other things so much that you forget to eat." El continued as she grabbed a mini quiche of her own.
"If you want I can help with the food diary, I've found a number of adaptable apps for your phone and I can set it up and even set reminders just in case you forget and skip a meal." Mozzie added as he snagged a filo dough cup filled with salmon mousse. He made an appreciative noise as he ate it.
"So I guess it's your turn to say something?" Neal asked looking at Peter.
"I'm suggesting you get a scale. If you keep eye on your weight and really keep track, you can see what your doing to yourself. I'm not going to tell you that you have to report to me but if you do this you might just see for yourself." Peter said keeping his eye contact with Neal and hoping he could tell they were doing this because they cared and thought that if he tried he could do this himself with help and support from them. "Neal it's your choice, but we don't want a repeat of Friday night, and I do understand it wasn't a normal day, it was hectic and you didn't have the chance to really eat but if you had been taking better care of yourself from the start you would've had reserves to draw from and you wouldn't have passed out in the bathroom." Peter concluded his part of their talk.
"Just to let you guys know, I did spend a lot of time yesterday thinking and I had come to the conclusion that I did have to try and be more vigilant about taking care of myself. I'm glad that we all agree, but just don't be pushy. I need to get a handle on this and if it means I need help let me ask for it. You had some good suggestions and I may just incorporate them into what I'm going to do. I may need some support and a gentle nudge" he looked at Peter and repeated "a gentle nudge" "in the right direction." Neal said as he looked to see what other goodies were on the table.
"We're here to help not to force you to do anything, Neal, just remember that. We all care and want to see you happy and healthy. Now who's up for the real food or are we still picking at the appetizers?" El said.
Neal knew that they did truly care and he was willing to try and get his diet under control. It was really good of them to not try and force him, he'd probably have gone the opposite way or done something else just to keep his remaining free will, he might not be in prison but until he found his balance and the tracker came off for good his mind and body were the things he had control of and he'd take better care of both but they were still subject to his will and nothing could change that. He just had to adjust his perception of himself a bit to make it work out right. He could prove to them he could take care of himself, after all hadn't he been doing it for most of his life already?
They all talked for a while longer and Mozzie went home. Peter and El looked over at Neal and they got up and guided him to their bed.
"We can deal with things later, now we want to have you with us and maybe we can even have a nice slow evening in bed, just the three of us. Neal we love you, let us be there for you." El said as she undressed him taking in every inch of him, with his clothes off and her looking him over carefully she could really see how much weight he lost and Peter looking on at them took a good long look so that he could compare it to the next time and the time after that. Even if he wasn't going to pressure Neal he was going to keep a subtle eye on him until he was sure that this was the thinnest he'd ever see Neal, and once that tracker came off he'd being seeing him a lot more often. They'd move him in and no one could notice that Neal spent too many nights here. They'd get through the next few years and then they'd have a lot less to worry about and they could enjoy their "family" all the time. Peter looked forward to that day, he really did, but for now he joined his lovers in their bed and hoped that this was enough to get Neal started back to a healthy relationship with food.