Story Notes: Not so much a coda to "Spirit Folk" as a rebuttal. Forget
the J/C (did I just say that?); this goes to the core of who Janeway really
is.
IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME
"You were way out of line, Torres!" It was all Chakotay could do
to keep himself from shouting. The deserted Mess Hall was too public a
venue for this conversation, but this was where he had tracked her down
and he had to get it off his chest.
The half-Klingon engineer glared back at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just what I said. That statement was way out of line. You do not speak to the captain that way."
"All I said to her was that while her 'friend' could be reprogrammed, Tom and Harry could not."
"How dare you imply that for even one instant she would think of saving a hologram at the expense of living, breathing, crewmembers?"
"Then why didn't she agree to just shut down the program? Once we realized that something had gone wrong, that was the best course of action," Torres said heatedly. Almost to herself, she added, "I don't know why Tom insisted on resurrecting the damn thing again after the damage it sustained in that storm all those weeks ago."
He tried to keep his voice even. "Because it was a very popular program with the crew. Imagine if Sandrine's had been the one that was affected."
She snorted. "If it was that silly holo-resort of Neelix's, I probably would have helped kill the thing myself."
"Oh, you seemed to enjoy that program yourself on occasion, if I recall correctly."
Torres waved away his words. "Regardless, they did bring 'Fair Haven' back online, and then it malfunctioned. But Janeway wouldn't let us shut it down, even when we knew the safeties were off and Tom and Harry were in danger. No, she was too concerned about her pet hologram."
"She was concerned about all those holograms, because they had exhibited the beginnings of awareness. The captain would not just shut them down casually. And may I remind you that the Doctor's program would have been jeopardized as well."
"Not at the beginning. There was a point early on in the crisis when we could still have turned the program off without endangering anyone." Torres didn't try to keep a sarcastic note out of her voice, "But the captain had other priorities."
"Stop it, B'Elanna. Kathryn Janeway would never, ever in a million years think of putting her own wishes ahead of the needs of this crew. For the past six years all she has done is think of the welfare of the people on this ship, even at the expense of her own well-being, and her own happiness."
"I don't know how you can defend her," Torres said angrily, "Especially after what she's done to you!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb with me, Chakotay, or think I can't read between the lines. We all know that you were in love with her, but she threw you over. And now she's involved with a hologram."
He fought down his own rising feelings of anger. "You don't know what you're talking about, B'Elanna. First of all, you've mistaken what's going on with the captain and Michael Sullivan. Holographic sex is no big deal. Everyone's done it at some time or another, and if you tell me you've never screwed a hologram, I wouldn't believe you. Not that it's any of our business, but I'm sure this isn't the first time she's used a hologram on this journey. She's human, damn it, and she has needs like anyone else. But you know as well as I do that it's just glorified masturbation."
"I wouldn't be so sure of that. Take off your blinders, Chakotay! She's actually in love with that thing. And that's the real reason she wouldn't even consider shutting down the program. She was afraid of losing her holographic lover."
"Don't say that! You're doing her a tremendous disservice. After all these years of seeing Janeway go to the mat time and again for us, you can honestly think that of her?"
"All I know is what I see. She's behaved like this before." Her voice softened. "There was a time when she would have risked everything for you."
"No, you're wrong." He turned away so Torres wouldn't see his face. "She never would have done that. She never allowed---" He broke off suddenly.
Torres continued as if his pause had been a natural one. "You should have seen her that time you took off after Seska in a shuttlecraft, all by yourself like some God damned cowboy. She was totally focused on getting you back, didn't seem to give a damn that she was endangering us all, just to save your neck." Torres laughed shortly. "She was perfectly aware of what she was doing. Hell, I agreed with her and told her so, told her it was in the best interest of the crew to get their first officer back." When he didn't answer, she went on, "And then when you thought Seska's baby was yours, she never hesitated about going after him. For you, Chakotay, for you."
"That was a long time ago," he said quietly, his face impassive.
"Yes, it was. It was after we came back to find the two of you on New Earth."
He winced at the reference, but did not say anything.
His reaction did not go unnoticed. "What really happened there, Chakotay, on that planet?" Torres saw the look on his face and hastened to add, "I don't mean any of the personal details; it was pretty obvious. After all, you were stranded there for what you thought would be the rest of your lives. It turned out only to be a few months, but still...I'm sure something happened."
He attempted a smile. "Would you believe me if I told you that nothing did?"
"No, I wouldn't. When you came back, for a while there was something between the two of you, a connection of some type. An emotional bond. But somewhere along the way, you lost it."
"We're still connected, B'Elanna. I'm her first officer, and her friend. And I know Kathryn Janeway---you're dead wrong about her. Even if what you say about her relationship with Sullivan is true, she would never allow it to affect the decision-making process. And trading people's lives for his continued existence---she would never do that, especially if it was Tom or Harry whose lives were on the line. My God, B'Elanna, you know how much she cares about them."
She shook her head in exasperation. "All right, I'm not going to argue with you any more. I've got a meeting in a few minutes. But I still think you're deluding yourself." He watched her leave.
"You're wrong, B'Elanna," he said again to the dim, empty room. He walked over to the viewport, reluctant to leave just yet. A small, bitter smile played around his mouth.
He spoke once more into the silence. "It's ironic, isn't it, Kathryn? You said we couldn't be involved, worried the crew would suspect personal motives behind your command decisions. So you cut me off, played the lonely martyr. I even helped by finding other 'diversions', convincing you even more that you had made the right choice." He sighed. "Now...you'd have been better off letting 'us' happen---at least people would be crucifying you for something real."
"Perhaps you're right," a voice said softly behind him.
He whirled around to see the captain standing there. "How long have you been there?"
"You mean, how much did I overhear? Probably most of your conversation." Before he could decide if he felt embarrassed or not, she went on, "Thank you for defending me." She could not entirely conceal how hurt she was that it was necessary for him to do so.
"It was the truth," he said, moving closer to her. "I know you, Kathryn. God knows you're not perfect, but you would never do something like that, never put your own needs above the crew's."
She looked at him questioningly. "You can say that, even knowing what I'm capable of?" There was no denying that he had seen her at her worst.
"Yes, despite all that." Their eyes met, and then he took both her hands in his. "Because I know you. Your loyalty to your crew and your oath as a Starfleet officer, that's the key to who you are. You would never betray the trust of those who depend on you."
"Your faith is touching." He couldn't be sure of the meaning behind her words. Was she mocking him, or herself?
He said again, forcefully, "I know you, Kathryn, and I know that you would never let us down. No matter what." He squeezed her hands, then left the room abruptly, before he said too much.
Left alone, Captain Janeway looked around the room, and then at the
streaking points of light outside the viewport. "No, the only one I've
ever let down is me," she said quietly.
FINIS
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