Title: You leaving was my undoing
Rating: 16 probably for later chapters
Genre: angst/ friendship and maybe romance
Pairing(s): Jane/Maura
Summary: Maura has left and this has left Jane distraught. Starts at how Jane is feeling now and will go back to the beginning of their relationship and will hopefully run right through to where we start off and maybe a bit further.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters no matter how much I wish I did but if I did Jane and Maura would already be together!. This is not for profit only for entertainment
Author's Notes: I only really dabble in fan fiction and haven't really been doing it for long but here is my first Rizzoli and Isles fanfiction.
So please be kind, I hope you enjoy and please review I always like to hear feedback
Chapter 1
What happens when love isn't enough anymore? What happens when what you thought was real came crashing down on you and choked the spirit right out of you? When your faith no longer gives you comfort and your questions can no longer be answered. When the person you could always confide in walks away without an explanation and you are left wondering if it was something you did or said. When your life spins at a million miles an hour past your eyes and you cannot understand or explain why all this is happening to me and to make it more unbearable it is all happening at once.
The comforting hazel eyes are what I miss the most; one look from them was enough to instil peace in my body right down to the core of my being. The gentle look that she reserved only for me, the eyes that are usually heavy with burden as she carries such importance and stress in her job soften and lighten whenever she sees me.
She's the only person that has ever looked at me and seen the real me, she sees past the walls and the shields that I have carefully constructed over the years and have never once been close to being knocked down until the day she blew into my life. She knocked them right down with that one smile that had her dimples on full display and ever since that day I've never been able to reconstruct them or had I reconstructed them with her inside them with me.
I miss the highfalutin explanations that came out of her mouth, I may not have understand a lot of the words that came out of her mouth but it never failed to bring a smile to my lips and then her perfectly shaped eyebrow would lift with an incredulous look and she'd ask "what's so funny?" It always made me laugh how unperceptive she was. She had such a high intellect yet she had no street smarts.
The memory that sticks in my mind and seems to always slip into my dreams whenever I feel especially lonely or scared is this one:
I hadn't known her that long only about 6 months but we had this strange connection I felt safe and protected when I was around her even though she was only 5 foot 2 and weighed about 115 pounds.
It was a cold night and instead of going to my mom's house or my brother's house I found myself doing the 10 minute drive to her house.
I'd had some terrifying news and I couldn't think of anywhere better to go. Ma would fuss and worry about me and my brother would go all protective and I couldn't handle that kind of smothering behaviour so I did the most logical thing and drove to her house.
She always gave me that comfort where I knew I dint have to talk if I didn't want to but if I did she would listen without being judgemental.
When she opened the door she looked like she had just stepped off a photo shoot, she looked amazing in her incredibly expensive designer clothes, ones I could never afford but I could appreciate how they looked but more importantly how they looked on her.
She examined me with those intense hazel eyes and then stepped aside to allow me into the house.
She showed me to the spare bedroom in her house and to no surprise it was just as lavish as all the other rooms in her house. She lay down next to me on the bed and I made some stupid quip about was it a sleepover or was she trying to tell me that she liked me. A smile slowly spread across her face and a giggle escaped her lips which were carefully covered in red lipstick.
I was relaxed and completely at ease in her presence when a bang invaded all my senses. I shot up from the bed and cast worried eyes towards the bedroom door. She sat up and placed her hand on my arm and said "don't worry its ok"
With just one simple touch and such everyday words she sent the fear right from my body, it was like it had dissipated into thin air. I lay back down revelling in the warmth that was radiating from her hand that was now running up and down on my arm soothing my inner doubts, making my veins feel like they were filled with molten lava instead of blood. I fell asleep knowing that I was safe and I slept the best that I had in a long time.
This is my favourite moment because this is when I first realised how much she had changed my life and how much she meant to me and how much I needed her to be in my life. She had drifted into my life with such ease and had set up home in my heart and to be honest it had scared me but in that moment when she assured me everything was going to be ok I truly believed it, I knew it would be ok as long as she was in my life.
The memory often brings tears to my eyes as now I no longer have that safe haven that I cherished so much, all I have is a constant aching loneliness that no matter how hard I try cant seemed to be fixed. I no longer have a place where I feel safe where if an army had tried to get me I knew they wouldn't succeed, instead I have constant fear encompassing my body and even in my own home it couldn't be quashed.
If only she was still around now I'd reach out and pull her into my arms and tell her how much she means to me and to never leave me because I don't think I would be able to function or continue on in my life.
My life wasn't really going anywhere at the moment. Since she had left I haven't set foot in work, in there is a constant reminder of me and her and all the amazing times we had shared.
She's been gone almost 3 months and I can't bring myself to even go near the building. It had gotten so bad at one time that I had had to redecorate my apartment; she was everywhere in there.
All the little trinkets she had bought for me had accumulated over the years and she had helped me paint the living room one summer afternoon about 3 years ago. We had argued for hours about what colour to paint it and her having an extensive knowledge of everything; she had won in the end. We'd spent that afternoon carefully painting the three walls and she was meticulous about not crossing the border on the wall into the kitchen. She was such a perfectionist. To stir trouble I put a giant stripe of paint down her cheek and laughed. By the end of it we were both covered in paint and looked ridiculous.
The apartment had smelt like her too; the expensive perfume that she wore and her own special smell that was her and only her. The smell was the undoing of me if she had ridded me from her life than I would do the same, so with tears streaming down my face I threw everything in the bin from my apartment that reminded me of her; well almost everything I couldn't bring myself to throw out the pyjamas that she had left at my house, she must have forgotten about them when she left.
She left a pair at my house because she would often spend the night and likewise I had a pair at her house. I kept them because they were the pair she wore the last time she stayed the night and they still smelt like her. At the start when nights were difficult I'd put them on the pillow beside me and I'd drift off into an easy sleep where she was still with me and everything was just as good as it had been when we first met. But now seeing them causes a twinge of sadness, they don't ease me into a pleasant sleep anymore they only remind me of what I've lost. I keep them to remind me that she was real and that maybe one day she will be back and I'll be waiting for her and I'll tell her that her leaving doesn't mean anything anymore because she is back where she belongs and that is where she is staying.