Author's Note:

Happy Mother's Day to all the kinds of moms out there! You mean the world to us and we are thankful for all that you do! ;)

It was completely unintentional, but this one-shot is pretty fitting for today considering what a mom Hijikata is. Um... I'm not entirely sure where this came from, except someone mentioned a 'McNugget AU' and 'The Hakuouki cast goes to McDonalds', and the resulting mental dialogue wouldn't leave my head.

I hope you all enjoy my 2am ramblings ^.^

The Hakuoki Cast Goes to McDonalds

(aka... Why Hijikata Does Not Do Drive-thrus)

Hijikata rolled down his window as he pulled the packed Suburban to a stop in front of the drive thru menu.

"Welcome to McDonalds. Would you like to try a Cinnamelt today?"

"No thank you, I would-"

"Are you sure? They're only back for a limited time."

Hijikata managed to sound only slightly sarcastic as said, "Yes I'm sure. I would-"

"Alright then, what can I get started for you today?"

His hands tightened on the steering wheel as he shot a glare at the screen, as if daring the person on the other end to interrupt him again. "I need a number two meal with a coke and a Southwest grilled chicken salad with a bottle of water."

In the middle row, Okita muttered, "Of course you remember Chizuru's order."

"Um… Hijikata?" Ignoring Okita's comment, Hijikata turned to look at the passenger seat where Chizuru was sitting, her expression managing to be both concerned and stubborn at the same time. "Are you sure you should be having caffeine? You'll be up all night working again if you do."

"Will that meal be breakfast or lunch? We are serving breakfast all day now."

Hijikata sighed as he turned back to the window, "Lunch… and make the coke a water."

There were several snickers from behind him and he felt a vein beginning to pulse in his forehead.

"Will there be anything else?"

"Yes, hold on a moment." Hijikata turned to glare at the group in the back. "What do you lot want? Souji?"

"I'm not hungry."

Hijikata just stared for a moment in disbelief at Okita, before he said, "You're the one who said we should stop!"

"I never said I was hungry."

"Well thanks to you we're here now, so you're going to order something!"

Instead of looking put out, Okita's grin only widened. "I want an Oreo Mcflurry."

"That's not lunch, that's dessert."

"You said I had to order something."

"Ugh. Fine," Hijikata turned back to the window. "One Oreo Mcflurry."

"Got it. Anything else?"

"Yes, hold on." Hijikata turned back to the group, his gaze focusing on the next person in the middle row.

"Uh…" Heisuke gulped nervously, "A chicken nuggets meal and a sprite."

Starting to feel like he was getting whiplash, Hijikata turned back to the window. "A chicken nuggets meal and a sprite-"

"And a chocolate milkshake!"

"And a…" Hijikata shot a glare at Heisuke.

"Please?"

With a sigh, Hijikata added, "And a small chocolate milkshake."

"Was that a Happy meal?"

"NO!" Heisuke lunged forward, trying to get his head out the window and squishing Hijikata in the process. "NOT A HAPPY MEAL! I AM NOT A KID!"

As Hijikata shoved Heisuke back into his seat the speaker said, "Great, would you like apple slices with the Happy meal?"

Heisuke seemed ready to leap forward again, but the 'do it and you'll more than regret it' look Hijikata shot at him had Heisuke muttering to himself as he slouched in his seat. Back in the third row, Nagakura snickered, "I think you just wanted the toy."

"Shut it grandpa!"

As Nagakura trapped Heisuke in a headlock against the seat, Hijikata said to the person, "Yes. That sounds perfect"

"Any-"

"Yes." This time when Hijikata turned back, he seemed just a bit happier. "Saito?"

"I will have the tofu nuggets meal and a water."

Okita gave Saito a weird look. "Uh, Hajime… They don't have that over here."

"It's the same franchise. They should have the same thing everywhere."

Chizuru shook her head as she said, "I don't think many people like tofu over here…"

For several long moments, Saito stared at her with something as close to shocked disbelief as he ever got on his face, apparently unable to fathom such a thing. Eventually he seemed to pull himself together, "…Then I will have the Southwest grilled chicken salad as well."

Hijikata turned back to the window, "I need a second salad and water."

This time the person didn't say anything as the order appeared on the screen and Hijikata turned back to his increasingly frustrating passengers. If he kept this up much longer he was going to have to take an aspirin for a headache and a sore neck.

From the back Harada called, "Lunch number five meal with a Dr. Pepper."

"A lunch number five meal with a Dr. Pepper."

"Would you like to upgrade that to a large?"

Could nothing ever go smoothly? And why was the idiot only asking that question now? Hijikata felt like smacking his head on the steering wheel, but instead he gave the screen a glare that usually sent subordinates running in fear as he snapped, "No! Regular is fine!"

He turned back to find that Nagakura had finally release Heisuke, who was now considerably more red in the face than he had been before. "I'll have the number one meals with a Fanta."

Meals? Hijikata frowned. "Do you want lunch or breakfast?"

"Both."

"You can't have both! Pick one!"

"But Heisuke got two things."

"He got a milkshake, not a second meal!"

"Geeze, I'll have the lunch then."

Taking a deep breath, he turned back to the window for what he hoped would be the last time. "Finally, a lunch number one meal with a Fanta-"

"Make it a large."

His fingers twitched on the steering wheel, but he managed to grind out, "Make it a large."

"You got it. Anything else?"

"No! That's what finally means!"

"Alright, your total today is $36.32. I'll see-"

But Hijikata didn't wait for him to finish. Instead, he hit the gas a little harder than was probably necessary, vowing to never again listen to Okita when he suggested they go through the drive thru because it would be 'faster'.