Chapter 1

He watched her appreciatively from the bed as she dashed around the bedroom, a flurry of long legs and golden flowing locks, but only half listened as she babbled about what still needed to be done for the wedding. It wasn't that he wasn't interested. He was. He just wasn't sure that he was as interested as he should be. He told himself that it was normal. That there wasn't a man in America who really cared about seating plans or whether the wedding favours were sugared almonds or heart shaped chocolates. And he guessed that he was probably right. But as the day of the wedding drew closer and closer he was finding it extremely difficult to ignore the nagging feeling inside of him that was telling him that maybe his lack of interest in the wedding day was a reflection of how he really felt about his impending marriage.

She turned her back to him and faced the mirror, lifting her long blonde curls and expertly arranging them into a loose chignon that was suitable for work. He concentrated on the soft curve at the nape of her neck, where a stray wisp of golden hair rested, in an attempt to distract himself from any doubts. Slowly he let his gaze travel down her toned physique, his lips curving into a tiny smile as he did so. There was no denying that she was beautiful, anyone who said otherwise was just jealous. She was stunning and smart and since they'd met eight months ago, in the locker room on her first day at Seattle Grace Mercy West, she had made him happy.

She made him laugh and she always knew how to cheer him up after a harrowing shift. She listened when he talked and she was great with Sofia. But most of all she was there. Now when he said goodbye to his daughter and left her with her Moms he didn't cross the hall to his empty and lonely apartment. He no longer spent the nights mindlessly channel surfing or drowning his sorrows in whiskey to distract himself from the fact that everyone else had someone. Callie had Arizona, Derek had Meredith, Teddy had Henry. Hell he'd even heard rumours that Stark was hooking up with Kepner.

He wasn't alone anymore. He wasn't wallowing in self pity and he came home at night to someone who genuinely wanted to be with him. Someone who said he made her happy. That was all he'd ever wanted to do with Lexie. To make her happy. But whatever she needed to be happy it wasn't him. He'd accepted that now. He'd let her walk away and promised to leave her alone. But that didn't mean that doing so didn't kill him just a tiny bit more every single day.

She barely looked his way these days. She would talk to him if work required it or nod a civil hello when they inevitably attended the same social events but that was the total extent of their interaction. He kept true to his promise most days, only engaging her in conversation if it was a medical matter and staying out of her way otherwise. But sometimes he would still watch her. He'd given her his word that he would no longer do that, and normally he was a man who would stay true to his word, but there were times when he just couldn't help it.

It was the little things that got to him the most. The way she absentmindedly twirled her hair around her index finger when she was thinking something through or the sweet sound of her laugh as she playfully joked around with the other residents. She still took his breath away. He would always look at her and know that she was the one. She was the one who he would always be hopelessly in love with and there would never be a day when his heart wouldn't ache through missing her. So he tried to keep his promise. He tried not to look and most days he would manage his. So that the pain would be a dull throbbing rather than sharp and searing. But she was his addiction and there were days when he just couldn't overcome his need for a fix. Even a minute one. So he would steal the briefest of glances and pray that she wouldn't catch him. Because if she ever caught him then he would have to stop. And he was never happier than when he was watching her.

"Mark? Are you even listening to me?" his fiancee asked, now fully dressed and staring at him in annoyance.

"Of course, I always listen" he lied, pushing all thoughts of Lexie to the back of his mind but knowing that they would weave their way to the front numerous times that day.

"Then what was I saying?" she challenged knowingly as she pushed her hospital id card into her Mulberry Alexa.

" Sugared almonds!" he proclaimed hoping she hadn't veered far from what the topic of her rambling had been when he had been half listening instead of not listening at all.\

"I definitely think that we should go with the sugared almonds"

"Really?" she looked sceptical.

"Or chocolate hearts are good too! Whatever you want babe, I just want you to be happy" he told her truthfully.

He did want her to be happy. He wanted to make her happy. He wanted to be enough to make someone happy. Even if she wasn't the person who made him happiest.

"I think the hearts in silver foil with our initials embossed on them" she told him as he pulled her back on to the bed and kissed her softly.

"Sounds perfect" he told her not really caring at all as he unclipped her hair and let her golden curls tumble around her shoulders.

"Mark, I just did that" she mumbled only half protesting as he kissed slowly down her neck.

"So?" his lips kinked into a smirk against her tender skin.

"So I have to go to work"

"I'll be quick" he grinned, his hands wandering over her.

She groaned softly, giving in to his strong touch and kissing him back.

He smiled as he pulled her closer and expertly flipped them over so she was lying beneath him. Her work clothes would be creased and she was going to be late but neither of them cared.

He told her he loved her as she wrapped her slender legs around him and he meant every word. He loved her. He loved her more every day. But he would never be in love with her. It would never be that kind of all consuming, can't live without each other love that he used to think only existed in soppy chick flicks. But he'd had that before and it had gotten him nowhere. True love might exist in the real world but happy endings didn't. Not when the person you couldn't live without could live perfectly well without you.

He loved her and she loved him and he had finally realised that this would have to be enough.

Lexie hovered by the notice board with a black marker pen in her hand, hesitantly lifting it to write her name on the sign up sheet but not actually being able to make her hand move correctly to form the letters of her name. To anyone watching it probably seemed as though she'd forgotten how. As if she'd reverted to her four year old self and couldn't spell her own name. She almost expected her Dad to appear behind her and show her how to move the pen.

The only person watching knew exactly why she was struggling to commit herself to the event the sign up sheet was for anyway.

"It's going to be a good day" Callie told her as she appeared behind her looking more than a little surprised to see Lexie about to sign up.

"Are you going?"

"Erm...Kate asked me why I hadn't signed up. I'm the only person who hasn't. I don't want her to-"

"Work out the real reason why you don't want to go?" Callie interrupted knowingly as Lexie became flustered and felt burning heat rush up her neck and to her cheeks.

"I was going to say be offended. I don't want her to be offended" she answered quickly but the flush of her cheeks and the creak in her voice gave her away.

"Sure you were" Callie nodded not pushing it. It wasn't really her business she knew that.

"She's nice. We get on, there's no reason why I wouldn't go to her bachelorette party" Lexie justified it to herself as much as to Callie as she turned around and found the strength to write her name below April's on the long list of almost all the female staff in the department.

"She is nice" Callie agreed before adding "She makes Mark happy" and witnessing Lexie visibly tense as she knew she would.

She might pretend to the world that she was over Mark and that Jackson was the one for her but Callie knew otherwise. And sometimes she had an overwhelming urge to call her on it. To grab her and to shake her and make her realise what an idiot she was being. To make her realise that one day soon she was going to have pushed Mark so far away that he would never come back, no matter how much she wanted him to.

"He has everything he wanted" Lexie mumbled quietly.

"Are you sure about that?"

"He has Sofia and a beautiful fiancee who he is probably going to make lots more beautiful children with. He's happy" Lexie replied, the words hurting her more than she wanted to admit.

Mark already had a family with Callie and Arizona, albeit somewhat unconventional, and now he would have one with Kate too. He'd wanted a family so badly that he'd chosen it over her and now she didn't know if she would ever have one and that scared her.

She hadn't discussed her fear with anyone but it nagged away at her every time she saw Mark or Callie with Sofia or Meredith with Zola. She didn't want a baby. She hadn't wanted a baby when Mark had wanted a family more than he'd wanted her and she still didn't want one now. But not wanting one then or now didn't mean that she didn't want one ever. After Mark had gone to such lengths to get her back she had truly believed that he would wait for her. That he'd wait for her until she was ready to marry him and have a family. Their family. She'd never said that she didn't want that. Just that she didn't want it yet.

But he'd taken it all away from her. He'd gotten someone else pregnant. Sometimes she even wondered if he'd done it deliberately, he'd wanted a baby so bad. Another woman had his baby and that killed her. She knew they were separated at the time and that she had no right to be angry but he hadn't even thought about how she would feel. He was having a baby and moving on without her. Nothing would ever be the same. If she'd stayed with him and one day had a baby he would have done it all before. The scans, the kicking, the birth, first words, first steps. Nothing would be new to him. He'd taken away her chance to share that experience with him. To have their baby and for everything to be new and exciting. And the worst part was that he hadn't even stopped to think about things enough to realise how much that would hurt her.

She would never have expected him to turn his back on Sofia. She was his daughter and he was an amazing Dad. Anyone could see that. But she didn't want a baby in her life yet. Especially one who wasn't hers. So leaving had been her only option. She loved him but she couldn't be a stepmother to his baby. She wasn't ready for that. And she wasn't sure that she could ever be with someone who didn't even realise how he had hurt her. It wasn't sleeping with someone else that had done it. It was not knowing her well enough to realise why she was really upset and not even trying to talk to her about it.

He let her go.

He had let her go and now he was marrying someone else. And even though she'd told him to let her go, the fact that he really had hurt more than any of it.

"You know you only have to say the word and you could stop it all" Callie interrupted her thoughts and brought her back to reality.

"I..erm...I don't know what you mean" Lexie was blushing again.

"You know exactly what I mean Lexie"

"I'm with Jackson" she protested but she could see in Callie's eyes that she wasn't fooled.

Somehow she knew that Lexie wasn't really committed to her current relationship.

Sure Jackson was a good guy and he made her laugh and she was content. But she would never be in love with him and, unlike Mark, she didn't think she could ever settle for less.

She didn't want a family more than she wanted love. She wouldn't choose a family over love and she was pretty sure she'd lost love for good so she didn't think a family would be featuring in her future.

"Well, as long as you're sure" Callie told her and headed for the cafeteria leaving her staring at the sign up sheet.

She put the pen back in place and turned and walked away, smiling as she saw Jackson headed towards her.

She was sure she told herself over and over again.

She was sure.