Based on the Cat in the Hamster Cage scene from Two for the Dough, by Janet Evanovich. I'm just borrowing her scene for totally non-monetary reasons.

Actual quotes in italics.

"Joe?"

"Uh-huh?"

"What are you doing?"

"Watching your cat." Why would Stephanie keep her cat in a cage?

"I don't have a cat."

Oh shit. This doesn't sound good.

"What do you have?"

"A hamster."

Shit, shit and double shit.

"Are you sure?"

Stephanie finds Mrs. Delgado's cat in Rex's cage and fights not to cry.

"Shit." Aw, man! Think, think. Got it!

"I'll buy you a new hamster. I know this guy who owns a pet store. He's probably still up. (God, please let him still be up!) I'll get him to open the store-"

"I don't want a new h-h-hamster. I want Rex. I loved him."

Loved a hamster? Okay, it could happen. "It's okay, honey. He had a good life. I bet he was old too. How old was he?"

"Two years."

"Hmmm." Two years? He was still a baby! Damn cat. Better get it out of the cage. I remember seeing some scissors here somewhere. Ah, okay. I'll just cut the tape. Oh, Stephanie, please stop crying. It was just a hamster. You couldn't even play with it really. It just ate and slept. Better not tell her that. SHIT! There's nothing left of the little guy, not even a bit of fur! Uh, oh. She's getting teary eyed again. Better say something to distract her.

"Pretty thorough job." What? Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why the fuck did you say something like that? Think…got it!

"What's the soup can for?"

"He slept in the soup can."

Hmmm. I wonder. Let me just give this can a little tap. Bingo! Wow, that little guy is fast.

"Poor guy." Oh, Stephanie, I wouldn't touch him just yet.

"Maybe you should let him relax a while. He seems pretty agitated."

"Hear that, Rex…are you agitated?"

He sails through the air with the greatest of ease. Nope, don't say that. Uh, oh, she's bleeding. Rex is a rodent. Rodents carry disease.

"You want me to shoot him?"

"No, I don't want you to shoot him. I want you to go into the kitchen, get the big strainer, and trap Rex in it while I wash my hands, and get a Band-Aid."

Phew! Easy job. Yup, strainer right where I remember. Here little buddy. That's right, you just stay right where you…Gotcha. No, don't look at me that way. I'm not picking you up. You bite my trigger finger and I WILL shoot you.

Who would do this? What the hell is this note?! How am I going to convince Stephanie that this is not a joke? Her little hawk bait was almost eaten. Dammit, I hate this.

I think better when I'm eating and that spice cake is calling my name. Ok, two plates, two glasses…milk. Mmmm, this is great cake. Wow- this woman just gets to me. I just want to kiss that finger, and move to the arm and neck and…stop. Don't go there. Her apartment was broken into, her rat, uh, hamster almost killed and your thinking of seducing her? Get it together man.

"I think we can hazard a pretty good guess at the identity of the villain here. Nice centerpiece. Did you say you left your calling card with one of Sandeman's neighbors?"
"Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"How spooked are you about all of this?" I hope you're pretty damn spooked, Cupcake.

"On a scale of one to ten, I guess I'm at six." Crap. Not enough.

"Do you want me to stay until you can get your door fixed?" Please say yes, please say yes.

"You think he'll be back?" I should tell her yes and really scare her. Damn her eyes, I just can't do that to her.

"Not tonight. Probably not ever unless you push him again."

"I'll be okay. But thanks for the offer."

"You've got my number if you need me. You need any help getting Dracula settled in?" Dope. Why'd you ask that? You know you'll try to get in her pants if she says yes! Well, duh, isn't that what you want? Hell, I don't know!

"He doesn't usually bite. He was just excited."

Too easy, too easy. "Happens to me sometimes, too." Ooo, she looks disappointed that all I gave was a chuck under the chin. That's promising. Do I want to, though, that is the question. Well, hell, of course I want to have sex with Stephanie. But there's something else. I don't know, maybe I just need to have sex with her once, get her out of my system. sigh Who am I fooling. I'm afraid if I have sex with her just once it would never be enough.