For SuNRisESuNSeT96's Foreign Quotes Competition – "זמןמרפאכאבנושן, אךמוסיףכאביםחדשים" (Time heals old pain, while it creates new ones.)
There were so many differences between Harry and Cedric.
He was handsome – button down, creaseless, handsome.
He was striking – impossible eyes, untamed hair, striking.
He was inconspicuous - unassuming – quiet.
He was blatant – attention grabbing – extreme.
He was safe.
He was dangerous.
And yet ….
He was dead.
And he was alive.
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead –
Cho slammed down the quill pen she'd been holding. Ink splattered across her neatly drawn charts. At the top of one list, unspotted and pristine, she had printed the word, "Harry." The other name was gone now, doused in the black splotches.
Her head hurt. What was she doing? Comparing them – it was despicable. It was sick. Why couldn't she stop herself from making these horrid lists again and again? Was she trying to torture herself? Or Harry?
No – she knew what kept her at them. The difference – the one difference she could never quite put into words.
Cho measured them differently. Harry was measured in colorful flashes – Cedric in one long, drawn out span of time. She couldn't decide which relationship felt more ingrained in the overall history of her life. She couldn't tell which she preferred.
Second year – She'd fallen silent just as the rest of the Great Hall as McGonagall shouted, "Harry Potter!" He was nothing like she'd expected – short, scrawny and with a head of hair that was wilder than his history.
Third year – There were plenty in her house that swore he was the heir of Slytherin. She thought about believing them. Then, one day as she passed him in the halls, she saw the fear and sadness in those emerald eyes and easily discredited them all.
Fourth year – she would never forget him after this. He was still a sticky little thing, but as the silver creature shot from his wand, she was stunned to note that it was a patronus. When his hands clenched around the snitch just after that, her respect was his.
Fifth year … fifth year there were so many flashes, so many pieces to the puzzle of her and Harry. The shock on his face as his name was called. His mumbled invitation to the dance – one that she had surprised herself by wanting badly to accept. His ashen, traumatized face as he'd thumped to the ground with his arm clutching Cedric's body. It burned in her brain like a brand.
Somewhere in between her appreciation for Harry's Quidditch prowess and the horror as she watched only one of the two boys stand, the sweet dream of loving Cedric filtered its way between the lines. There was the very start – the Hogwarts Express, tripping over her robe, large, warm hands grabbing her elbows and steadying her.
Then again, that's what Cedric always did – he steadied her.
Her throat ached, and she didn't bother resisting the tears. Tears were part of the grieving process. They were healthy. It was good that her head never stopped aching and her gut never stopped throbbing because she was always exhausted from crying.
"Oh, honey. What're you doing?"
Cho jerked to attention, her hand rushing to cover what she'd been writing. Marietta's expression was awful – pitying and patronising.
"I'm just thinking about…"
She let it draw out for half a second too long.
"Harry."
"Cedric!"
Marietta shook her head in that knowing way she did.
"I saw his name on the paper."
"Cedric's was there too!"
"Merlin, Cho, comparing them isn't any better!"
There was that tone – the one that made her feel like a wretched human being. Like a child, she supplied, "I can't help it."
Marietta sighed, moving to sit by her friend. "Don't feel bad, Cho. Everyone has their thing they do when they … when they…."
Lose something, Marietta. Just say it.
"…when they go through something hard."
And didn't she know it? Cho had spent weeks after Cedric died pouring over every bit of information she could find on the grieving process. She studied each stage obsessively, manically checking back to make sure everything was in order. It would be within as much of her control as possible.
Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. That was how it was supposed to go. Even if it was a mixed up order, that was what was supposed to be happening. And yet, here she was, only ever having completed two of the steps – depression, acceptance, depression, acceptance. Which made her think that maybe she wasn't accepting it at all. Or maybe she was never depressed at all. Or maybe the other two would come in time. Or maybe …
No, no, don't think like that…
Maybe she never …
Of course you did, yes you did
Maybe Cho never loved Cedric as much as she thought she had.
A pain so sharp that it was physical shot through her chest as she thought this. A mixture of guilt and denial.
Denial! No … this wasn't what they meant.
Cho was always good at studying. She just didn't realise how painful it was when it was her own behaviour.
The next morning, getting to breakfast was exhausting. She couldn't fathom getting through the rest of classes. For now, remaining in an upright position was feat enough.
"You need to eat something, Cho."
She glanced over at Marietta's worried face. "Mm." She took a bite of porridge.
"…and Harry's brilliant at it, I'm sure it could only help."
"I dunno, Ginny, Harry's a nice bloke and I reckon he's telling the truth, but I don't want any trouble."
Cho's head snapped to attention, glancing down the table towards the Weasley girl and her boyfriend, Michael Corner, whispering only a seat away. Trying to be more surreptitious, she let her hair fall over her face, still listening intently.
"It's not as though it's against the rules. Honestly, I reckon it's more of a tutoring opportunity. Harry happens to be fantastic at Defense against the Dark Arts, and the entire bleeding school happens to have a shoddy excuse for a teacher."
"It doesn't feel safe."
"It's Defense against the Dark Arts. It's not intended to give you the warm fuzzies."
There was a long pause.
"Well regardless of what you decide, Michael, I'm going to the meeting. If you don't want to, then that's fine."
"I do – honestly … I'm just a bit worried."
"Well get back to me, and I'll let Hermione know she can expect me at least."
"You know what, Gin? Tell her I'm in as well."
They kissed, and Cho heard Ginny walking away. She didn't move, still, the feeling inside her chest so tantalising and delicate that she thought it might burst at the slightest disruption. It was sweet, exhilarating, tingling down her spine … for the first time in a long time, Cho felt excited. Wherever and whenever that meeting was, she would be there.
Marietta didn't think it was quite such a lovely notion.
"This is absolutely not healthy! Putting yourself in danger's way to be with Harry!"
"You've got it all wrong. First of all, joining a club is hardly 'danger's way.' Second of all, who says I want to be with Harry?"
"Well your eyes do. Every time he passes by and you ogle him like a lunatic."
"It has nothing to do with any romantic inclination, Marietta!"
"No? Then what is it? What makes you so determined to do this?"
Cho paused, figuring it out herself for a moment.
"Because I believe that You-Know-Who is back. Cedric is d-dead. If I can do something to fight against that, then I will."
Marietta didn't say another word. And when the Hogsmeade weekend arrived, they both signed their names to the parchment.
Of course, Cho had been lying to Marietta – blatantly. Harry had everything to do with her inability to let it go. How many times had she heard some variation of the sentiment, "You're not alone." "I know how you feel." "You're not the only one." And scoffed? Who else could possibly understand the sickening jolt in her stomach when the boy she loved(?) flopped to the ground before her, nothing but coldness and deadness in those beautiful, amber eyes?
One person. One person she could think of that might have experienced the same horror in some way.
That was only part of what drew her to Harry, of course. So many more things that she had categorised, compartmentalised, stored away in neat little shelves in her mind. She felt disgusting for falling sway to his captivating allure when she was still supposed to be grieving for Cedric. She hadn't even sufficiently completed the process and already she was eyeing other prospects?
She couldn't explain why, but anything that drew her to Harry that didn't have something to do with Cedric made her feel horrible. Simultaneously, anything that drew her to him that did have something to do with Cedric also made her feel horrible. And so her attraction for Harry became inexorably entwined with his involvement in Cedric's death.
Sick. So sick.
And yet, that didn't stop her from gazing at him through the entire meeting, smiling like a dolt at him as he defensively discredited his own actions, actually speaking up in his defense. His face when she did – Merlin, she'd missed looks like that. She wanted nothing more than to linger, smile, and see that expression again. But with Marietta's clicking tongue and stiff demeanor, she had no choice but to walk away.
Cho felt jittery and glowing. It was nearly winter, but she could scarcely contain her excitement. This club was, after only one pseudo meeting, a part of her. No matter how many dour looks Marietta shot her way, she would not relinquish it.
When Ginny Weasley sidled over to her and muttered the time and location of the first official meeting, she nearly clapped in joy.
"I still don't think this is a good idea, Cho."
"Oh, don't be so down, Marietta. It will be fun!"
"I'm not sure that 'fun' is enough of a compensation for the trouble we could get into, not to mention the trouble I could get my family into."
"Please, Marietta? I need this."
Marietta said nothing more. Hesitant as she was regarding anything to do with Harry, Marietta was the best friend Cho could have asked for. She was there through it all and she, Cho knew, would do most anything to see her happy again. It was obvious that even Marietta could see the dramatic change in Cho's entire demeanor. It felt like afternoon Hogsmeade visits in the middle of winter – blistering cold, numb extremities, and the sweet sensation of walking into the Three Broomsticks and thawing pleasurably, painfully out.
Marietta's face ended up in her palm on several occasions throughout the first meeting. She hadn't expected Cho to be so vocal. Cho hadn't expected Cho to be so vocal, come to think of it.
When they used D.A. – even if it was only a variation of her initial idea, she felt a thrill of triumph. To belong to something was intoxicating.
"Pair up, then, everyone."
Cho glanced apprehensively at Marietta. "Ready?"
"To disarm you? We're sixth years, Cho. This isn't exactly challenging."
"He's right though, it can come in very handy!"
Marietta sighed and raised her wand.
The practice was going brilliantly. Of course, they were practicing a spell they had both mastered some time ago, but it allowed Cho to feel, in some way, impressive. She wished Harry would come closer – he'd circled the room so many times and still hadn't stopped to watch them. He was still across the room with Ginny and Michael –
She glanced surreptitiously over her shoulder to find him directly behind her.
"Oh no! Expelliarmious! Expellimellius!"
Marietta's sleeve was on fire.
"You made me nervous, I was doing all right before then!" she stammered, unable to look away from the lovely green in his eyes.
"That was quite good."
He quelled under her gaze. "Well, no, it was lousy, but I know you can do it properly, I was watching from over there…"
He was watching her.
She found herself saying things she didn't expect – whispering to him about Marietta's parents – and her own. Mentioning Cedric …
She giggled with him – giggled. These days, a smile was hard to come by, let alone such a frivolous demonstration of mirth. It was exhilarating.
"Hey, Harry, have you checked the time?"
Cho resisted the urge to glare at Hermione. She found herself irrationally assuming she was jealous, trying to keep her and Harry apart.
As they scurried back to Ravenclaw tower that night, Marietta was fuming. "Oh yes, you only wanted to participate to protect yourself, to fight against You-Know-Who!"
Cho, a bit exasperated now, couldn't delay the truth any longer. "So what if I might fancy Harry a bit, too, hm? What would be so wrong with that?"
"Well if you're only using him as a rebound –"
"A rebound? Marietta, honestly! I'm not a child."
"Yes, I know. You're a hormonal teenager."
"Hormonal? Oh is that my problem?"
Once again, Marietta fell silent with a look that plainly said that she wished she could push it, but she wouldn't.
"Just be careful, Cho. Don't use the poor bloke."
Use Harry – ha – the idea was laughable. Cho genuinely cared for him – more so as the weeks went on. Every time he came near her, her pulse would quicken and she would feel her face heating up. Marietta would glare, but it never dissuaded him. There had been a great, gaping hole that Cedric had smashed in her chest, and Harry's attention was doing something to fill it. Not even Marietta's irritation could rob her of that.
Still, she was balancing this new, overwhelming happiness with the constant, overwhelming depression. She had never felt so torn. In every warm glance of Harry's, Cho ached to remember Cedric's. In every new skill she learned, she wished Cedric could have been there to learn it too.
Cedric and Harry were so different. However, Cho couldn't stop herself from obsessing over all the ways they were the same.
"I'm ready for the holidays," Marietta was saying on their last day before Christmas break.
Cho nodded, only vaguely aware.
"As soon as it's over today, I'm off to the dormitories to sleep for a long time."
Another nod.
"After that, I might strip down to my starkers and throw a keg party."
Cho watched Harry patiently correct Neville.
"You're invited if you'd like to come."
"What? Hm?" Cho gave her attention back to the girl at hand.
Marietta rolled her eyes. It seemed to be a perpetual twitch of hers, lately. "I think you might need a break from all this as well."
Cho smiled along, but couldn't have disagreed more. This was her greatest – maybe her only source of happiness. A break didn't sound appealing in the slightest.
"When we get back from the holidays, we can start doing some of the big stuff – maybe even patronuses."
Cho was excited, a feeling obviously mirrored by those in the room as they made noises of anticipation.
However, as people began to leave, she knew that it would be weeks before they would see each other again. Weeks before Harry would be there to flash her that smile or to be as nervous as he made her. Weeks spent with her parents who didn't know what to do around her, who she couldn't confide in about this aspect of her life. And Cedric – he was just gone. He just left her to wonder if things would still be the same had he known all of this. Had he been taught by Harry … Cedric being taught by Harry.
Too many connections and here she was, telling Marietta to go on ahead, knowing exactly the position she would be in, feeling the familiar knot of tears and the intoxicating need to be close to someone.
Someone who understood.
So she kissed the boy – the one who lived. She let him hold her and try his best to console her even as she felt in her gut that she was wrong about him. He didn't understand. And she was wrong about being close to someone – it didn't fill her with that strange something she'd needed for so long.
It only took another strange something away, leaving her emptier than before.
And still she needed it. Because whatever Harry's hollow comfort was taking from her was painful. And for now, she thought she might just prefer the numb.