That's Not Mayonnaise You're Eating…

Chapter 1: What?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

The summer had come to an end. Harry Potter, the boy who lived, watched as Dudley was eating a chocolate Popsicle. Harry asked for one, but the Dursleys gave him a sheep's eye instead. Where the Dursleys got a sheep's eye from, he had no idea, but it was kinda squishy and fun too squeeze, so he kept quiet. As the car came to a sudden stop at King Cross Station, Dudley and Harry were jerked forward resulting in Dudley getting his Popsicle wedged deep inside his nose. Harry, being the smart one he was, managed to keep his sheep's eye away from his nose. Climbing out of the car, Harry turned to wave good-bye, but no one noticed because they were frantically freaking out about Dudley's nose.

As he got on the train, he tripped and ended up falling face first into the bosom of some unknown girl. However, she wasn't important, so we don't really know what happened next, but it resulted in Harry having a black eye in the next scene. Harry lumbered to a nearby compartment, finding it was… "occupied". Shutting the door, he made his way to another compartment. This one was empty. Harry skipped into it, sat across from his trunk, propped his legs up, and happily squeezed his sheep's eye.

"Harry!" he heard a familiar voice say. Harry looked up to see Ron, followed by another girl. This girl had dark brown, straight hair and brown eyes. She had a blue camisole and a yellow miniskirt on and was at least a DD cup.

"Hermione! Wow…what did you do?" The girl walked on by and Hermione stepped into the compartment behind her, looking as she always had.

"What are you talking about Harry?" she asked, looking puzzled.

"Oh…er…the contacts…they are new, aren't they?" Harry tried to cover up.

"Oh yes. I'm glad you guys noticed. Well…what do you think?" Hermione responded, looking absolutely chipper.

"You look great. Right-o," Ron chipped in.

"I never had glasses you idiot." Hermione muttered, "Honestly…do you guys even know that I'm a girl?"

Harry and Ron spent the next few moments taking a prolonged and obvious look at Hermione's chest. Hermione sat there attempting not to feel awkward at the present situation. After a few moments, Harry and Ron retreated into a huddle, glancing back at Hermione every once in a while. After about 5 minutes, they broke their huddle and headed back toward Hermione.

"Given the current circumstances, we have concluded that there is a possibility that you could be female. However, this is still up in the air." Harry stated. Ron stood behind him and nodded.

Hermione just sighed.

The feast passed as it usually did. Very feasty-like. Hermione, though only nibbling at her food, didn't talk much. Ron was busy stuffing his face with anything within reach and Harry was having a lively conversation with Nearly-Headless Nick about his upcoming deathday party. Hermione was busy glancing around at the other girls, becoming more and more depressed as she saw more and more first year girls who were more well-endowed than she was. The random chattering came to an end as Dumbledore took the stand, signaling he was ready to make his start-of-the-year-speech.

"As you all know, the Dark Forest, which borders the grounds, is strictly forbidden to all students," he started, knowing that this was the part that no one would really listen to anyway, "Also, please note that this year, like always, we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor." With that, Dumbledore stepped down and a man no one had ever noticed before rose from the table.

"Thank you Professor Dumbledore," said the man, bowing slightly. He turned back toward the students. "My name is unimportant. From the history of this school, it seems highly likely that I will be used, abused, or turned insane by the end of the school year. Either that or I'm evil to start with. Therefore, I don't feel the need for any emotional attachment. That, and I'm allergic to emotions."

The room was quiet. Everyone was staring at the man with looks that said that they were thoroughly creeped-out.

"I'M A GIRL, DAMMIT!" Hermione screamed jumping to her feet. The hall of students more or less ignored her, not really caring, because everyone knew that someone as smart as Hermione was bound to crack someday.

"Well then," Dumbledore regained his spot at the stand, "off to bed you are." The food in front of the students disappeared. The students shuffled out of the Great Hall and on toward their dormitories, tired from the day's journey and wishing sleep.

But first, they had to party. Butterbeer was passed around, most of it ending up on the floor. People were eating candy and chocolates every which way you looked. Hermione didn't bother partying with everyone else. She was too distraught over what happened today that she just wanted to be alone. She made her way up into her room and collapsed on the bed, letting the night encompass her.

"Hermione…," she heard someone call. She opened her eyes. She didn't really know where she was, except that she was submerged in water. She looked around until she saw a shadowy figure.

"Who are you?" she called out. The shadowy figure stepped toward her, into the light. Hermione had to keep herself from screaming. The man, if she could call it that, looked like his face had melted. He had webbed hands and feet.

"Are you a merman?" she asked.

"Nope," came the reply.

"Well?" she waited impatiently.

"Well what?"

"Aren't you here to tell me something important?"

"Not really."

"Then why are you here?"

"Don't ask me, it's your dream."

"Are you sure this isn't a vision?"

"When you're having a vision, don't you NOT have control over what you say?"

"Oh…right. By the way, that's improper English."

"What?"

"You used a double negative."

"So?"

"It's bad grammar."

"And?"

"Don't do it."

"Why not?"

"Cause I don't like it and it's my dream and I said so."

"Um…right. Just because it's your dream doesn't mean that you control me."

"Didn't you just say that I had control and that's why this isn't a vision?"

"I said you had control over what you say."

"Ah. Oh, I've been meaning to ask, and I don't mean to sound rude, but what happened to your face?"

"Potions accident."

"Who caused it?"

"Neville Longbottom."

"Neville?! The Neville?"

"I believe so. The boy who's always tripping over himself and forgetting things…"

"That's Neville."

"Yes."

"Are you in our class?"

"No."

"Why are you in my dream?"

"I don't know."

"Shouldn't you know?"

"I don't see why I should."

"Because you're the one that's here."

"Well I don't. By the way, you should put some clothes on."

"I'm naked?!" Hermione looked down to see herself in the nude.

"So it would seem."

"And you didn't tell me all this time?!"

"I was enjoying the view."

"Pervert."

"Yeah…so?"

"Oh well. It's just a dream, right?"

"I guess."

"Do I know you from somewhere?"

"If you didn't would you dream about me?"

"Possibly."

"Do you know how dreams work?"

"No."

"You know that you forget most dreams when you wake up, don't you?"

"Yes, and?"

"You're probably not going to remember this."

"That'll suck."

"For you. But I'll remember every second of it."

"That's discomforting."

"Once again. For you."

"Who are you? Do you go to Hogwarts?"

"I'm not telling."

"To which question?"

"Both."

"Is there actually a point to this conversation?"

"Not really."

"Are you sure you don't want to tell me anything?"

"Such as?"

"Something to do with Voldemort maybe?"

"GASP You said his name!"

"And?"

"Nothing. I just figured that's the reaction you wanted."

"You're weird."

"Pretty much."

"Your face is unmelting."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Cool."

Hermione awoke from the dream, sweating. That was the weirdest dream she had ever had. But for the life of her, she couldn't remember what exactly it was about.

A/N: I wasn't kidding when I said this story was pointless. I really don't know why I'm writing it. O well…give me feedback because I'm curious about what kind of reaction wasting 5 minutes of your life will get me.

Ollec, the Fish Slayer