As I watched Bella sleep after the accident (that's what I call her paper cut disaster) I fought fleeting emotions. The time for this had come and past. I had the opportunity to make this decision over and over, each night I stayed in her room, watching the peacefulness of sleep on her lovely features.
Every time she said my name I couldn't help it– I had to smile. Every time my favorite words slipped out of her mouth, «I love you,» my decision was made. I had to stay. I couldn't live without her now.
But as time went on, as times became tougher, I began to realize she was in more danger than I'd thought. Last spring's endeavor had proven that very quickly. My very presence put her in danger every moment I stood by her, breathing in her scent– kissing her warm skin. She could have died any time I even looked at her.
But I'd resisted.
That first time I saw her, smelled her, I thought I would kill her then and there. Her smell, that of freesia, kept me on alert every minute in school. I considered all the ways I could lure her out, get her alone, and then satisfy my hunger.
But I'd resisted.
I knew by satisfying this desire I was putting our secret in danger. Everyone would know I was a blood-sucking vampire– a threat to everyone.
What surprised me though, was Bella's closeness. Even after leaving for a few days to try to get her scent out of my head, she came to me. Almost too easily. She, of all people came closer, wanting to know what I was, why I was acting so strange! Every other human stayed as far away as they could, yet Bella, the one who was in the most peril could come waltzing up to me.
It was the unthinkable. Her blood was tempting me more than anyone's should. Yet, I hadn't taken her life.
Emmett and Jasper especially wanted to know why, at first. Jasper is the newest of us, and unaccustomed to concealing the desire he knew was burning inside of him. He couldn't see why it was taking so long to decide not to kill her.
Describing this to him was almost impossible, just why you love someone might be to others.
The knowledge of how much I was putting Bella through was the reason I made my decision to go. She needed to step out of this... nightmare that was me, and go on with her life. Without me she could graduate from High School, get a job, and enjoy the trivialities of human life without the danger of being killed constantly hanging over her head.
Unfortunately, convincing myself of this was not as easy as it sounds. I love Bella, and leaving her behind would do so many things to me. I had to do it. It was going to kill me, goddamn it! But I had to.
When she woke the next morning, she was anxious. Although I couldn't read her thoughts ( a trait I found excruciating) I could read her actions. Somehow she knew there was something wrong.
She didn't know what, but I could see through her wary gaze that I was different. The pain started immediately. There was a humongous burning hole working its way through me.
No matter what I told myself, I needed her. In the ninety years I'd lived so far, I'd never felt like this. The half-life I'd lived was a blur of regret, pain, and shame.
At the beginning, I couldn't understand why Esme and Carlisle could sit back and enjoy this... hell... when they knew what they were monsters. That they couldn't just kill anyone, or anything that got in their way just because they were hungry.
Then Bella showed up. She wasn't an end to my problems, no. I can't describe how she changed my life, it was so... abrupt...so... strange. She frustrated me. First I couldn't read her thoughts, and her actions always surprised me.
Bella kept her word when I'd thought she wouldn't have, and betrayed it unexpectantly. Why was she so unpredictable when every other human on the planet was as easy to read as an open book?
That might have been another reason why I forced myself to resist that calling... If she was so unpredictable, then I had to find out why. To this day I can't put my finger on why Bella is so different.
But it didn't matter anymore, because I was leaving her behind.
Into the woods I took her, solemn faced, pain coursing through me. This was rival to the pain at the beginning... the fire that raced through my veins, startling me awake. I remember little of the beginning of my half-life, but that memory will always be with me for the rest of my...er... existance.
I had to let her go. It was the only way to keep her out of danger.
"Bella, we're leaving." I stated bluntly.
She looked confused, in addition to the mix of anxiety and worry already there.
I explained how we were going away– my family and myself– and I could tell, even then, that she wasn't going to take it the way she should have.
She should have begged me not to go, to please stay here and be with her. If she only she could comprehend how much I hated doing this... I wished she would have talked me out of it.
«Bella, I don't want you to come with me.» The words burned in my throat as I said them, making me struggle to keep an unemotional and unrevealing face.
The usual blush from her cheeks drained as she stammered, "You...don't...want me?"
" No.» I said as unemotionally as possible. «I would like to ask one favor though."
" Anything." She whispered.
" Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She nodded.
Inwardly, I rolled my eyes. She always managed to get herself in some sort of trouble, but magnified though, when my family and I were around. Even in Forks, Washington, she could find some dilemma.
She believed this incredible lie! After the thousands of times I had told her I loved her, one word could make her lose her faith in me! That was ridiculous!
"Goodbye, Bella," I said, leaning over one last time to kiss her forehead. She reached out for me, and I pinned her hands to her sides.
I turned and ran in the opposite direction.
The next few hours I spent finally emphasized the tragedy of the moment.
Love, life, meaning...over.