Warning This has sensitive content. This could be triggering. Read at your own risk.
SILVER LOVER
Harry stirred his cauldron aimlessly, painfully aware of the silver eyes watching him. Draco Malfoy sat across the dungeon through the vapor hanging thickly in the air. His white-blonde hair was now falling messily across his forehead and Harry found he liked it a lot better than his usual slicked back look. Harry found, in fact, he liked everything about Draco a lot more lately.
He had used to hate Draco's guts. The arrogant blonde always took whatever he wanted and hurt anyone who tried to get close to him. Harry found him heartbreakingly attractive. For the last two years he had been following him with his eyes everywhere. It was his secret addiction. Being berated by his silky voice only made his stomach flutter.
Harry didn't think he was a good match for Draco. He was too skinny. He had a thin face and messy brown hair. Everyone said he looked like his father who had been dashing but Harry must have missed out on the "good looks" gene. His eyes were green and almond shaped like his mother's but they didn't hold the sparkle hers did. He was just a runty kid with circle glasses and a scar. The idea of Draco looking at him in a million years was ridiculous.
Being in class was painful when he wasn't completely focused on Draco. He could feel the kids staring at him and laughing. Their whispers carried. He knew they blamed him for Cedric's death. Harry blamed himself too. Even the people who didn't blame him thought he was a weird scrawny kid who was socially awkward. He just always said the wrong things. It fucking hurt being pierced by their stares. He wasn't an animal on display, he should be left alone.
"Snape's a complete dildo isn't he?" Ron muttered as Snape walked away after having thoroughly insulting both Harry's and Ron's work.
Harry nodded but stayed quiet. His freckled friend continued to mutter insults at Snape under his breath. Ron Weasley had fiery red hair like the rest of his family. He had bright blue eyes and a smile that could never be shaken. Sure, he was a bit thick sometimes but Harry wouldn't trade him for anyone.
Chances were he wouldn't have to trade him however. For the last few months the distance between them had grown. Harry stopped going to Quidditch practices and spent more and more time sleeping. He just didn't like being awake. He wished he could just sleep forever sometimes. Maybe Ron had picked up on it, but he had stopped pestering him to join the House team again.
His other best, but now distant, friend was Hermione Granger. She sat on the other side of Harry. Her hair was brown and extremely bushy. Her eyes were warm brown that seemed to always understand what he was feeling. Or used to at least. Lately she hadn't been looking at him. Her eyes were too busy watching Ron. He drifted away from her too.
When class ended he got up and left before most people had even touched their bags. He tried to avoid Draco's eyes but they locked for a second before breaking away. Like lightning that touched the ground for a brief second and leaving a scorch mark. His eyes felt scorched and so did his heart. It was a sweet hurting imagining what it would be like to touch him, a gentle tug to precede the ripping sensation of being flung out of a moving car. How he wanted to be flung out of that car. Just to let everything go and fly into Draco. That was a stupid idea though, which made him stupid.
The corridors were filled with people. As he walked he heard the whispers, how it was his fault that Cedric died. How he should have died along with him. A burning sensation had risen to the back of his throat. It stayed lodged there no matter how hard he swallowed. They were all so stupid. Did they not realize he thought every damn day why Cedric and not him? The guilt ate at him. If it wasn't for his stupid idea to take the Cup together, fuck.
He barreled into the nearest bathroom and stumbled to a stall. Everything in his stomach began coming up until he was on his knees puking his heart out. Cedric's dead eyes floated through his mind. All of it was his fault. Finally when his stomach was empty he got up off the stone floor and flushed the toilet. He watched the remains of his lunch be sucked up by the whirlpool.
"You don't look too good Potter," A familiar voice drawled from behind him, "But you do look good on your knees."
He spun around to see Draco leaning against the wall. His heart started frantically trying to burst out of his chest. How long had he been there? He hastily wiped the tears that had escaped his eyes away. There was no point in letting him see his pain. He wouldn't understand. How could he?
"Having to be in the same class as you made me ill," Harry snapped.
"I seriously doubt that my little murderer," Draco said, smirking.
"I didn't kill anyone!" He whispered, "And I don't belong to you."
Draco's smile just grew, "But you do. I've seen how you hide from their looks. The way you lose sleep from the nightmares. I've been watching you Potter and I've liked what I've seen. You're trying your hardest to get through the day. So much pain. I could fix that you know."
Harry knew what he was talking about. Draco Malfoy had been offering him the same thing for nearly two years now; an escape from everything. The blonde promised to erase every thought from his head. Leave him completely blank. He asked for only one thing.
"I won't kiss you," Harry said, "I'm not going to do that to my friends."
"Some friends," Draco snorted, "They leave you all alone. They don't notice your pain. They're so busy with their own pathetic love affair. You're the mighty Harry Potter. How could you possibly feel pain? Why feel guilty for what you did? It's not like you killed them. Directly at least."
"I killed them," He gasped, tears threatening to spill, "Fuck, Malfoy I kill everything I touch. I'll be the death of you if you don't leave me."
The silver eyed boy looked offended, "You kill me Potter? Not likely. If anything I'll be the death of you."
"I killed my mother and I killed my father. Two years ago it was Cedric and last year it was Sirius. I'll kill you too," His breath had begun to come in gasps, he was a monster.
Draco detached himself from the wall and stepped closer, "Calm down, Harry. I'm not going to be killed by a runt like you. I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself."
Harry just shook his head. Draco didn't understand. Voldemort had come after him because of a prophecy so his parents had died. If he hadn't been so stupid he could have somehow stopped Wormtail and saved Cedric. He lured Sirius to his death. It was his fault. His godfather was dead because of him. His parents were dead because of him. Cedric was dead because of him. He was a freak and a monster. He was poison. How could Draco understand? His silver eyes had never seen the horrors the green eyes had. Pain and guilt were his entire world.
"I may not understand but I'll never stop loving you," Draco said.
"I can't kiss you," Harry croaked, "I've done enough damage."
"You'll do more if you avoid me."
He shook his head violently, "No Draco."
"At least let me hold you," He coaxed, "Let me ease some of your pain."
It was temptation at its finest. Forget everything while he was in his arms or be 'strong' and avoid him. Ron and Hermione would be disgusted if they knew, turning to the enemy for comfort. Harry was disgusted, but he also loved him. He wanted to be held by him and feel the rush of doing something wrong. He wanted to use Draco as his support pillar, however unhealthy it was.
Draco seemed to take his silence as agreement. The blonde moved forward and wrapped his arms around him. Harry sank into him, his legs suddenly weak. His body was cool against him and he buried his head into the crook of Draco's neck. Time seemed to stop. He felt completely empty. No guilt, no pain. Even if the places where Draco touched burned and ached, it was a sweet pain, a much better pain.
The bell rang, its shrill noise making him jump away. Draco looked hurt for a second but quickly recovered his cool mask. Harry bit his lip and picked up his dropped book bag.
"See you around, Potter," Draco drawled, "Try not to kill anyone when I'm gone."
"Bye Draco," He whispered, but the blonde had already left.
At dinner he couldn't stomach anything. He couldn't stop thinking about Draco's offer. He was just so tired. Maybe it was best to do as Draco said. He understood him best and cared about him. Even if he didn't care or understand, he did both best. Much better than Ron who was subtly flirting with Hermione who was looking misty eyed. He eyed his chicken, yes, maybe Draco was right.
He got up, leaving his food untouched. Ron didn't seem to notice so he didn't bother saying goodbye. As he left the Great Hall he got the feeling he was being followed. When he climbed the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room his fears were confirmed. Cormac McLaggen was close behind him.
He stopped at the top of the stairs to catch his breath. Eating less had really sapped his energy. Everything he did was ten times more difficult. If Hermione actually cared maybe she would have told him to eat. Whatever. He didn't care anymore, he tried not to care anymore.
"Oi! Potter!" McLaggen called from behind him, "Kill anyone lately?"
"Fuck off McLaggen," Harry said turning around, he wasn't in the mood.
"No seriously. I mean that Weasel's been looking off color lately. Or maybe that's just because he's banging that Mudblood bitch. When do you reckon hanging with the Chosen One will kill them?"
"SHUT UP!" Harry yelled, drawing his wand.
McLaggen didn't bother pulling out his wand, he just grabbed Harry's and threw it down the stairs. Harry watched it clatter to the bottom. He turned to look at McLaggen. He was fair haired and had cruel green eyes. He was much taller than Harry. Still, Harry rose his fists and prepared to swing. He never got the chance, McLaggen grabbed him by the front of his robes.
"You're fucking disgusting," McLaggen whispered, his troll breath making Harry faint, "You disgrace our team and you think you can get away with it?"
"You never let me get away with it," Harry said, "Just fucking punch me already you asshole."
"No, this time I really want to send a message," McLaggen, "I'll always make your life hell you piece of shit. You freak."
Then Harry was flying. McLaggen had thrown him down the stairs. When he hit the steps he curled up into a ball and tried to cover his head. His entire body screamed in pain as he tumbled down. When he finally rolled to the bottom he was shaking. It felt like he must have fractured something. He heard McLaggen laughing slowly get quieter as he walked back to the Great Hall to finish dinner.
"Get up, love," Draco said.
"Are you here to insult me?" Harry asked, trying to roll over to see him.
There he was, crouched beside him, looking as beautiful as ever. His silver eyes didn't look amused, for once they looked sad.
"I don't enjoy seeing you in pain," He said, "Now get up before they find you. If they examine you they'll see my love marks."
Harry nodded, "Of course. That's what you care about."
He pulled himself to his feet, still shaking. He hated McLaggen. He looked around for his wand and picked it up. Luckily his glasses hadn't been damaged. He stowed his wand back in his robes and stared at the stairs. It would be hell to climb them. Still, Draco was right, nobody could find out about them. He began climbing.
"I don't just care about us being found out. I worry about you. That McLaggen bloke is getting out of hand. He's fucking disgusting," Draco said, a few stared up and watching him struggle.
He was only four stairs up but he was already panting at the effort, "I agree, but I deserve what I'm getting. I'm the one who abandoned the team and killed a bunch of people."
"You didn't kill anyone," Draco said softly.
Harry scoffed angrily, "Yeah, sure. That's not what you said before. Aren't I your little murderer?"
"It was a joke love."
"Some joke," Harry said, pulling himself up another step, "I fucking hate you."
"No," Draco said sadly, "I wish you did but you don't."
"Afraid I'll kill you too?"
Draco looked annoyed, "No dimwit. I'm just not good for you."
Harry was shaking even harder now. His legs ached, he was sure he must have fractured something. He really should have eaten something in the last few days. The malnourishment was taking its toll. He focused on Draco though, and what would happen if he was found out. Nobody could see his naked body. They'd see where Draco left his name etched into Harry's skin or his more delicate love marks. That just couldn't happen. His head was pounding. He wanted to fall asleep, but he kept going.
"Have you tried talking to Ron about McLaggen? He could probably put a stop to it," Draco said.
"Ron's," Harry gasped as his side panged, "Busy. "
"They should treasure you more, I would treat you so much better."
His patience was frayed, "I'm not kissing you Malfoy!"
He sighed, "Of course you won't. You're too loyal to friends who don't care. You put up with McLaggen's beatings, the mass bullying, and crippling guilt just so your friends can think you're okay. It's pathetic."
"It's not pathetic," Harry said, "I just don't want to hurt them."
"Yet you allow them to hurt you."
"It's not their fault!"
Finally he had reached the top. He fell to his knees and grinned. He was stronger than the stairs. He had defeated them. It felt good having accomplished that, even if it was a small victory. His eyes rose to find Draco watching him.
"They have no idea how strong you really are."
Ten minutes later Harry was collapsed in his bed, changed into his pyjamas. He stared at the red and gold hanging and wondered how things would have been different. His whole life was one big fuck up. It was pure luck that he kept escaping Voldemort. He was lost in his thoughts when Ron entered the room. Somehow he felt a change in the air so he sat up to see what was up.
"So," Ron said grumpily, "Finally taking notice of me huh?"
"Excuse me?" Harry said, shocked.
"Come on," He said, his ears red, "You've been ignoring me for fucking months and now when I really need you, you just fuck off. I was going to ask her out tonight."
Harry bit back his angry words and replied in a dull monotone, "What happened?"
"She, she said that she needed time to think. That she was worried about you and thought we were moving too fast. That you were more important."
"I'm fine," Harry said automatically.
"I know," Ron said, looking frustrated, "But why the fuck do you have to act so spaced out? She thinks you're fucking depressed or some shit like that."
"That's stupid."
He didn't even know what he was saying anymore. All that he knew was that he'd fucked another thing up. The look on Ron's face was betrayal. He'd let his best friend down. Tears didn't rise this time though. He just felt empty. It was his fault for ruining something again. Fuck, was he useless or what?
"I just really wish you didn't fucking exist right now," Ron sighed, "Why the fuck do you have to act depressed for attention? Aren't you famous enough?"
That broke something in Harry, and words came flooding out, "You know what? Fuck you ! I'VE BEEN TRYING SO FUCKING HARD TO KEEP MY SHIT TOGETHER FOR YOU AND YOU HAVE THE FUCKING NERVE TO SAY THAT?! ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? IT'S NOT A FUCKING ACT YOU ABSORBED ASSHOLE! SO FUCK OFF!"
Ron's entire face was red now, "WELL IF IT ISNT AN ACT THEN FUCKING KILL YOURSELF ALREADY YOU STUPID FUCK! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING! EVEN HERMIONE AGREES THAT OUR LIVES WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER WITHOUT YOU!"
Harry's mind reeled with shock. Even Ron looked stunned at his own words, "Harry . . . I didn't mean that."
Harry didn't speak, he just jumped to his feet and ran. He ignored Ron's yells after him. He just ran, tears flowing down his face. He was a fucking idiot for thinking anyone cared. He stumbled and fell in the Common Room. Everyone started whispering, watching him. Hermione's face appeared in the crowd, she made towards him looking concerned. He just leaped to his feet and continued to run.
His injuries burned but he paid them no mind. He needed Draco right now. Everything around him had blurred into a mass of color. Nothing mattered. He was going to make everything blank with his kiss. The entire world could know. He didn't care anymore. Sounds had stopped making sense. Maybe someone was calling his name. He didn't know.
He slipped into an empty classroom and sat there rocking back and forth. Harry sobbed and sobbed, the hurt flowing through him in waves. Finally a soft touch on his back made him look around. Draco was standing there. He looked beautiful but very sad. Tears flowed down his face as well. Harry pulled him down so they were sitting face to face.
"Is it finally time, my sad love?" Draco asked.
"I love you," Harry promised, smiling through his tears.
Draco leaned in. Harry could see every detail of his face. He could see the lighter flecks of color in his eyes, every individual pale lash, and the moonlight glittering off the tracks of his tears. As he moved closer he closed his eyes. For a second he was in darkness and then Draco's lips were on his. He wrapped his arms around him and the kiss deepened. He finally wasn't hurting anymore. Everything was okay. There was no pain in letting go.
Ron tore down the hall, panic deep in his chest. What the fuck had he been thinking?! He was so selfish; all he did was think about himself. He should have noticed Harry's strange mood. It was just that Hermione had taken up so much of his attention. Now he was paying for it. He tried to keep his panic from consuming him as he burst into yet another empty classroom.
However it wasn't empty. He stared at the pool of blood. It was nearly black in the dim light but where the moonlight hit it he could see the brilliant red. Everything in his brain had shut down. This couldn't be happening. His eyes were dragged towards the foot, then up the leg, until they reached the arm. A long deep cut was going right down vein lines. His stomach turned when he finally reached the face.
Whoever it was had green eyes, a thin face, messy brown hair, and circle glasses. They even had Harry's scar, but they couldn't be Harry. Harry wouldn't kill himself. Ron heard someone crying, he turned to see Hermione in the doorway. Her beautiful face was scrunched up and she was wailing. A crowd of people had gathered behind her. He couldn't register what was happening. Harry couldn't be dead. Yet somehow Harry was lying there dead, a razor on the floor beside him.
Finally Ron began taking in more details. He saw how there were bruises all up and down his arms. How under those bruises were scars upon scars. Silver ones, purple ones, angry red cuts still not completely healed. He tried to understand but he couldn't. Why were there cuts on Not-Harry's arms? Nothing made sense.
Someone pushed passed him. It was Professor McGonagall. She was crying but she conjured a stretcher out of nowhere and levitated Harry onto it. Ron could only watch numbly. What was going on? This couldn't be right. He had to be dreaming. This was a nightmare right? Everything felt too real though. He took a step forward.
"What are you doing with him?" Ron asked.
Professor McGonagall turned her watery eyes on him, "His body will be brought to the infirmary to be prepared for th-the burial."
"Why are you burying him? He can't be dead," Ron argued, why didn't she see that Harry just couldn't be dead?
"I'm sorry."
She moved past him. Ron could only stand there with Hermione's agonized screams in his ears. He didn't know what to say. He just knew it was his fault. He wanted to go to her but he knew she didn't need his touch. It was his fault. He killed his best friend. If he had only been there for him. Ron felt something wet on his face. He was crying. How odd. There was breaking feeling in his chest to accompany the tears. Harry was taking a piece of him with him. There were no words to describe how he felt. The sun had swallowed the earth and his heart was being roasted alive.
A/N If you or anyone you know is depressed or self-harming get help. Death is not the answer. People do care. You are special and you are loved. I'm always open to PMs and I will never judge you. Don't ever think you're alone. I love you.
Drop me a review anon if you need to get something off your chest but don't want your identity known. I'll read every one. I'm here to listen.