Note: this Fan Fiction is written to empathize with the break up of Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev, but it is meant to be humorous.
"I'm back!" Caroline called as she walked into the boarding house, carrying a small cooler and a few grocery bags.
"In the kitchen," Stefan answered.
"I got the blood," Caroline greeted him and placed her grocery bags on the island. Stefan silently thanked her and took the cooler. As Stefan placed the blood bags in the fridge, Caroline took a seat at the kitchen counter.
"So what are we doing for dinner tonight?" she asked, "are the four of us going out?"
"Umm," Stefan frowned, glancing up from the fridge, "I don't think that's going to happen."
"Why not?" Caroline asked, confused.
Suddenly they heard a loud thump from upstairs followed by a cry of frustration, shouting, "I thought we were going to be together forever!"
"That's why," Stefan sighed.
They heard the cry again, "why would you do this to me?"
"Who is that?" Caroline asked.
"Damon," Stefan answered.
"Really? Well what happened to him?"
Stefan paused and then answered hesitantly, "he and Elena broke up."
"Really?" Caroline asked, "Well that was unexpected, I thought he was crazy about her. Literally crazy, like 'the making life and death decisions for other people in order to be with her' kind of crazy. Crazy, like 'falling in love with her turned him into a psychotic, erratic, and homicidal maniac' kind of crazy."
"Well actually, she broke up with him," Stefan said.
"Oh," Caroline faltered, "poor Damon."
"Yeah," Stefan sighed, "and he's been taking it hard. Hard like 'locking himself in his room and crying himself to sleep' kind of hard."
"Well, have you gone and talked to him?"
Stefan put his hands in the air, "he locked his door."
Caroline rolled her eyes and growled, "You're a vampire for goodness sake, break down the door! You're supposed to comfort him!"
"Nope, I warned him that this day would come and he brushed off my warnings every time like my advice was worthless."
"You're his brother! More than that you're Elena's ex-boyfriend! You know what it's like! You're supposed to say 'Hey, I get it man. I've been there, bro. Them chicks be crazy.'"
"You do not do a good impression of me, that is not what I sound like at all."
"That's not the point," Caroline groaned, "come on, we're gonna go talk to him."
"Damon?" Caroline knocked on his bedroom door, with Stefan trailing behind her.
"Go away!" he called.
"Come on Damon open the door."
"Not happening!"
"Stop being such a baby!" Caroline yelled and swung her foot around to hit the door in a roundhouse kick.
"You kicked down my door?" Damon yelled from where he was sitting in his bed, "now look who's being a baby, I just had that wood refurbished!" Damon sank back into his mattress and pulled a pillow over his face.
As Caroline and Stefan entered Damon's bedroom they took in the disarray that had befallen the room since the break up. Tissues were strewn across the floor along with a couple of hollow ice cream containers and a half eaten box of chocolates. Damon's room was void of light except from the warm glow coming from the TV and the line of light coming from behind the bathroom door. The bed's sheets were wrinkled and stretched across the bed at all angles and in the center of the mess was the long, burrowed figure of a miserable Damon Salvatore.
"We just want to talk about what happened." Caroline soothed and Stefan stepped further into the room.
They heard Damon's muffled voice from beneath his pillow.
"What was that?" Caroline asked.
They heard Damon's muffled voice again.
"I'm sorry?" Caroline asked.
"I said I don't want to talk about it!" Damon grumbled throwing the pillow across the room to thump against the floor.
"You don't want to talk about it?" Caroline cooed in a baby voice, "Well we're going to talk about it, yes we are."
"I'm not a dog Caroline," Damon said flatly.
"No you're not," Caroline softened and her eyes widened, "you're a man in pain."
"I'm a man in pain!" Damon cried dramatically, "for crying out loud, I'm just a man! And I'm in such pain!"
"Oh the agony," Stefan said dully, clutching his heart.
"See, Stefan get's it," Damon smiled.
"Yeah I get that you like to take advantage of every situation in order to get attention."
"I do not do that," Damon cried, offended.
"Remind me again how many days it's been since you two broke up?"
"It's only been twelve days, Stefan!"
"Right, I'm sorry, it's only been twelve days," Stefan said, "and on which of those days did you realize and think to yourself 'wow, I am such a pathetic loser, no wonder Elena broke up with me.'"
"Today!" Damon cried.
"Be sensitive Stefan," Caroline scolded.
"Yeah Stefan, be sensitive," Damon echoed.
"And Damon," Caroline turned to him with her arms on her hips.
"Yes?" Damon asked carefully.
"All I have to say to you is," Caroline paused, "what are you watching on TV?"
Damon's face lit up and he exclaimed, "You've Got Mail!"
"Oh I love this movie!" Caroline jumped on the bed next to Damon and situated herself against the headboard.
"What that's it?" Stefan asked, "I thought that this was an intervention to get him to snap out of his fabricated despair."
"No we're here to comfort him," Caroline said putting an arm around Damon.
"You're just encouraging him," Stefan argued.
"The love of his life broke his heart Stefan," Caroline explained, "have a little sympathy."
"It's an act!"
Caroline turned back to the TV screen, "well, regardless of whether it's an act or not, you better get over yourself and go get us some ice cream. And not the low carb zero fat stuff, this is a serious break up, we're gonna need the rocky road."
"And some bourbon," Damon glanced behind Caroline and sent Stefan a smirk.
"See he's just pretending, all he wants is attention!" Stefan pointed.
"All I want is to be loved!" Damon cried and threw himself down on the bed.
"Yeah Stefan, all he wants is to be loved!" Caroline sympathized.
"That's it," Stefan said turning towards the door, "I'm out of here."
"Don't forget the ice cream," Damon smirked.
So did I nail it, or was it a complete disaster? Thank you for reading my story and I really appreciate those of you that take the extra time to write a review.