Roles
Outside the nursery window the sun shone brightly, skies were blue and not a cloud was seen. It was one of those late summer days where the breeze created gooseflesh on your arms and you were warm until you entered the shade. Perfect. That is what most would call it.
The lights in the baby's room where off, but the sun outside made it so she didn't need to turn them on, though that made the room seem grey and dim instead of the bright happy blues and yellows.
James flew by the window, tall, tan, handsome and strong with jet black hair and laughing blue eyes-any woman would want him. She knew this and it crossed her mind bitterly, hating herself every time the thought came to her. He paused to double back and give her a large smile. She returned it softly, heart twisting. He glanced back, having heard Sirius, and quickly flying off before being followed closely by the other dark haired man.
They had been flying around the house, originally having started a game of quidditch but it ended with them chasing each other for one reason or another, she was sure it had something with the playful scuffle on the front lawn they had earlier. Lilly sent her sad eyes away from the window where she stood, and set glum eyes on her reflection in the mirror on the wall. Her belly was very swollen, at thirty five weeks she was feeling cramped and uncomfortably should be glowing, she thought, happy and with her husband that their baby was due just next month.
Her husband, Lilly gripped her hand on her heart and bright red curls fell into her slightly fuller face. Looking down she could see her enlarged belly and felt disgust. She was the worst of the worst. She wanted to hate this baby, but she knew that she had already fallen in love with the feathery kicks which had melded into sharp jabs, and the light bounce of hiccups which were now accompanied by long presses as the baby stretched, uncomfortable at his shrinking home. The warmth of the little one was always with her, sometimes he woke her in the night bouncing on her bladder, and she couldn't stand eggs or chicken- she had almost slept in the car one night James had not believed her and had made a whole bunch of boiled eggs.
Figuring it was odd she was locked away in the dark room for so long, she decided not to be so suspicious and made her way down the stairs. Was it noticeable, her anxiety? Her self-hatred? She hoped the guilt didn't show in her eyes when she looked up to him, she hoped he didn't sense it at night when she turned him away and went to sleep. Wiping sweaty palms on her sides she finished the decent and made her way to the kitchen where Remus sat over a book. He looked up with a warm smile and stood, but settled once Lilly waved him off with a smile of her own.
"I'm fine Remus," it was a frequent thing for the boys to jump to her aid, and insist she sit, especially ever since her midwife had insisted on her taking a break from work at least until after she had delivered. Only two weeks prior she had experienced strong contractions in which the midwife followed up with a prescription to hold off labor and the strong suggestion for constant rest. So she mostly stayed home, which didn't help her sour mood.
"I just am here for you," he put up his hands in defense," I know you know. I just worry." Lilly knew werewolves were very protective of pact, and she knew he considered her, James, Sirius, Peter, and the unborn child all as rather he consciously knew it or not and it made her stomach twist as if she was sick.
"I know," she murmured heading to the fridge for a cold root beer ignoring the obvious distress it gave the werewolf. Caffeine was a no no, so she had given up her beloved coffee and latte's, her evening tea and most of the time soda. Though she was just craving the carbonation, she told the boys, not the soda the carbonation. And it had to be root beers carbonation. They learned quickly not to argue with her. She of course knew what she wanted.
She sat across from the dusty haired man and sipped at the sweet beverage avoiding his calculating gaze. She hated it when he had that look, he had always set that gaze on people he was trying to figure out ever since their school days, and she did not want to be one the other end of it.
"The boys got in a scuffle I saw," she said pointing out the kitchen doors that lead around back with her soda bottle. The suns intensity was at its peak in the evening hours and the glare bounced off the open door through the screen.
Nodding at her statement Remus held a thoughtful look on his face, as if he had some sort of inward debate and she feared it had something to do with her. After a moment of her uncomfortably fidgeting he leaned forward just as she was about to get up.
"Lilly," he began awkwardly and she felt her heart sink. He knew, she thought, he knew. Remus was always the first to solve problems such as this; of course she couldn't hide her guilt," is everything ok?"
She held her breath, nodding in what she hoped to be a sincere way.
"James told me you guys-well that you quit having sex. He said he thinks you find him repulsive maybe. That maybe your regretting everything," she took in a sharp breath and turned sharply.
"Of course I don't!" she practically yelled at the quite man causing him to blink in surprise," it's just, I donno, everything is different." She deflated. There was no reason to be angry. James had right reason to be worried-after all before the pregnancy she had been very intimate with him.
Remus slowly nodded," I know that you guys were not ready to have a baby yet," he glanced out the back door as did she when they heard Peter yelling for the boys to stop, followed by a splash. Obviously the two others had seen to it that he took a swim. He returned his eyes to hers as he continued," and James wonders if he shouldn't have insisted on rushing the wedding just because you were pregnant."
"I'm the one who suggested it," she murmured eyes downcast remembering all too well the fight that had brought her to suggest it," he agreed to it. So if anyone is regretting marriage it is James."
Remus frown," Lilly you know he doesn't he 'loves' you for Merlin's sake! He has loved you since we were in school!"
"I know," she was shaky and set her head in her hands. How had it came to this? She simply had went down for a soda. How could things have escalated so quickly?
Sitting back, she knew she had worried him at her outburst. He didn't want to stress her out, and she knew she didn't want to hurt the baby by stressing either.
"It's just," he held his thumb between his teeth lightly and it seemed the words said next were said slowly and carefully, as if he had been practicing this-which she was sure he had been," ever since. . .a few months ago. . . since you two found out about the baby," her blood was rushing through her ears so loudly she worried she wouldn't hear his next words, "It's just. . . Lilly you can tell me anything you know that right?"
She nodded and her heart twisted as she felt the familiar pinprick of tears behind her eyes. She had always been too emotional, she silently cursed. It made her easy to read, and even easier to get information out of. Even though she knew what the other said was true, she couldn't bring herself to confess her dark feelings and secrets to the other.
Not trusting herself to speak she stood, turning to go back to the baby's room-she now spent most her time in there shrouded in the darkness she felt she belonged in.
"We used to talk, Lilly, "Remus sounded broken and she couldn't help but think back to her days at Hogwarts when they did nothing but pour each other's hearts out. Where they would stay up late at night after the others had retired to bed, sitting in the Gryffindor common room over their books speaking in quite calm voices. Or meeting in the library, speaking about their problems when they originally came to study. And when they lay basking at the edge of the lake as Sirius and James goofed off one way or another, and Peter sometimes sat with them aslo. Whenever Remus had a problem she was there, and everything that crossed her mind was open to him. When had that changed? When had she changed?
Pausing at the door to the kitchen she turned, forcing a smile on her face," We still do talk Remus. That will never change." She was horrible. The worst.
"You're not hiding anything then? "He questioned, and she made the mistake of looking into his hopeful gaze. He wanted it to be true, but somewhere deep down he had his doubts, she could see this. Remus was far too trusting of his emotions, especially for a werewolf.
Smiling, feeling her heart crumble as she spouted the lies she nodded," yes of course Remus. I am sorry it has just been so hard-this pregnancy. I just suppose it is taxing on me and," she bit her lip looking away," I don't know why I feel the way I feel. I still love James and nothing is wrong. It will all get better after we have the baby." She couldn't look at him when speaking of James. It wasn't a lie, she did love him. But was her love enough?
"All right Lill's," her heart cracked again at the broken empty voice. He had sensed her lie, she knew. After so many years of being friends of course he knew," just tell me one thing Lilly." She looked to him and a dark look was over her face.
Lilly had sobbed hard that night, into her pillow after James had fallen asleep. How could he have guessed? Hadn't she been careful to hide her shame, her regret, and her self-loathing?
She laid a hand on her stomach at a slight press, the little boy was stretching again and it was uncomfortable. Did she want this baby she questioned herself? Yes of course she did, but perhaps not in this manner. Or, she thought, maybe not in this life.
Sitting up she bit her bottom lip and decided that the next day she would go and visit Hogwarts, to speak to the one person she hoped to help clear this problem.
Swallowing she forced herself to sleep knowing that tomorrow she would face her problem head on. Or at least part of it.
It was a gloomy day; they were growing in number now that only a few days were left in July. Rain had not yet came, but if the wind and clouds were any warning, it would soon fall.
"That's a terrible name," she was sitting with baby books with all the boys and Molly who held a four month old baby, Ron, who was just beginning to grow wisps of the telltale red hair. Molly, being 11 years her senior, had several other children-all boys (cursed she said on many occasions)- and was very experienced. The two had met during order meetings and had grown close. When Lilly became pregnant, Molly all but was her shadow.
"It's ok," Molly said wiggling a finger endearingly in Ron's face who gurgled amused," We couldn't figure out Fred or Georges names for the longest time. "Fred and George had been a surprise pregnancy, she had reviled earlier when Lilly admitted James and her hadn't been trying, and a double surprise to see twins come of it.
Lilly had been caught off guard early that morning by the group visiting and she felt almost ambushed. As if her plan to go to Hogwarts was thwarted on purpose. But she stubbornly wouldn't allow them to stop her, she would be going. She hadn't been out of the house for two weeks; it was high time she left.
"What?" James laughed hugging Lilly softly as he shoved the book back at her," Look! Bruce is a great name! Like the muggle man who dresses up and saves people!"
She rolled her eyes. Those in company were all wizard born, and they really didn't delve too much into what went on in the muggle world, so when she had bought a batman movie a month ago, James became quite the follower.
"It isn't a true story," she sighed at his antics looking down to the baby book where he had circled the name.
"The name Bruce is an English baby name. In English the meaning of the name Bruce is: Thick brush. Surname since medieval times; now a common given name. Folklore tale of 14th century Robert King of Scotland: (the Bruce) who learned the value of perseverance from watching a spider spin a web."
"No," she said shaking her head," it doesn't fit. He doesn't 'feel' like a Bruce." Perseverance? That didn't sound so much like her son, she thought as a foot pushed at her ribcage.
James sighed and took the book back flopping to the floor. She smiled, he was such a child it was cute. It was the reason she first said yes to James when he had asked her out in seventh year.
Her thoughts turned darkly to seventh year and how that hadn't been the perfect happy last year she had wished for. James had only asked her out at graduation. And she had only accepted because her boyfriend and her had agreed to break off their relationship, it being good for neither of them. She frowned looking away in hurt. Would he have been as sad, as hurt today if they had stayed together? She was only playing her part, getting together with James.
And, she continued to think sadly, he had only been playing his part in becoming a death eater.
"Lilly," she jumped and looked up at Sirius's voice. She had been deep and thought, and obviously hadn't heard them as for the group was looking at her in worry.
She shook her head," sorry my mind was elsewhere. I just can't find a name I agree with."
"Don't worry Lilly," James set a comforting hand on her own and she forced a weak smile on his face," If the baby is born and we don't pick a name we can just pick a random one. Pull it out of a hat! Or make one up! Eliwizern," he said with an heir of greatness, and they all gave him a look as if he had grown a second head while Lilly laughed lightly.
She stood, seeing her chance," Maybe I will go out. Have some thinking time. It may help."
James was suddenly standing and the others were tensing. She knew this would happen.
"What," he said as if she were insane," after the doctor said you 'have' to keep at rest? With all these attacks? We've only just moved here," he gestured to the still unpacked boxes in a far corner as if to prove his point," we are finally safely hidden away. I cannot let you endanger you or our unborn child."
"So what? Keep me locked away forever James," her voice was shriller then she meant it to be. He only meant good for her and her child, she knew, but at his words she had felt anger swell within her," I can't 'stay' here forever James! I just need to go out, to not be locked in this house!" she stood and sighed running a hand through her hair," listen I am not going anywhere dangerous. I am just going to Hogwarts."
That confused the lot, she laughed inwardly as they gave her questioning looks. Hogwarts? Why?
"But there are only some professors there and whatnot," James frowned and Lilly quickly recited the lie she had practiced, her face schooled into an expression of boredom her voice exasperated.
"Because James, I am having a baby. A baby that will someday attend Hogwarts. I thought it would help the naming process," she shrugged and crossed her arms," do not worry. I will be there and back before you all know it. No death eaters are going to attack Hogwarts. Not since Dumbledore became headmaster."
It was true and they knew it. Voldemort was opposed to facing the elderly wizard whom had shown that he was an obvious match for the dark lord.
"But Lilly," James was in a losing battle and he knew it as he weakly tried to convince her.
"But nothing James," she gave him a peck on the cheek," I will be fine. I promise. The baby is not due until the end of next month. He will be alright."
She went to the door, she couldn't floo near there nor appearate due to pregnancy, so she had to go the old fashioned way of travel first by cab to the three broomsticks, then a carriage ride up to the school. She paused catching Remus's eye, and guilt filled her. His gaze was knowing and he looked away from her, anger unmasked. Would he say something? No, he couldn't. She knew him too well. He couldn't give away secrets that easily, having harbored his own for so long.
She jumped in the cab that had appeared outside the drive at her hail-a simple flip of a gallon while calling out the cab companies name, Whizzing Warlock-and looked to the rushing clouds as they sped overhead barely acknowledging the drivers ramble so lost in thought she had nothing to say. Eventually he sensed this and quieted, turning up some muggle country music which she would have found amusing if she hadn't been so troubled.
"Is the baby James's?" He had said it. She remembered to the day before the conversation in the kitchen. Remus had been the only one to ever know of her previous relationship at Hogwarts, and when once asked by James if she had been with another she had off handedly said in a fling but it had been nothing more. How that had been a lie.
Settling a hand to her stomach she frowned. She wanted the baby to be James's so bad, James a true Gryffindor through and through. He was so good to her, they rarely fought and when they did it normally was because of her. He was so seemingly young, so happy. She would do anything to not have that break, but it was as if the delicate web of lies she had strung about seemed to be ensnaring each other, slowly pulling themselves down with her following close behind.
The ride was quick enough and once she ended up outside the Three Broomsticks she gave the man much more than he needed, murmuring the rest was a tip. He had been extremely grateful, for which she returned only with a small smile before going into the small building to request a carriage up to the school that had once been a beacon of hope. It still was a ray of light in these dark times, she thought as she sat on a barstool awaiting a driver to be free enough to give her a ride, but it didn't hold that same innocent uplifting magic it used to when she had gone to school.
Maybe it was the yearning to feel the magic of the schools halls, to feel the same rush that she had as a student, the same carefree weightlessness that she once carried off for many months after the end of the semesters that made her wish to return so greatly, even though she knew who was there waiting for her.
The pub was not crowded, a few witches and wizards strewn about in couples of two's and three's laughing and talking good naturedly. There would be no students, she mused, at this time of year. She remembered back in her third year, first walking down to Hogsmade, watching the tracks of the other students fill quickly with snow as she allowed the distance between her and the other grow. James had just called her a fuzz head, and a few other poorly choice words of playful banter. It had hurt, but she didn't let him know as she laughed it off, watching as Remus shoved his friend forcing an apology out of the other before walking off with Peter mouthing he was sorry her way. She had waved it off. It was fine. James was a spoiled rich boy. She didn't need him to notice her.
She remembered dark eyes staring her down from the back of the line and her heart had quickened in pace. He was looking at her. Lilly subconsciously patted down her hair. Was he thinking the same thing? They had been friends once, he remembered her she knew. But upon being sorted into Gryffindor it was as if a rift had been shoved between them that, despite any amount of kindness shown his way he would not return.
For Servers Snape wished to be alone, she knew this. He was a shadow that most of the students didn't pay any mind to, though was sharp and sly like any good Slytherin she knew. He rarely spoke to her now, though when he did it was normally with a look as if he had wiped something unpleasant under his nose and the lack of her presence would be the only cure.
Hand to her stomach, she willed the past from her mind. She needed to worry about the present.
For Severus Snape was the father of her child.
Author: So I want to point out-yes I changed timeline and what have you, buuuut Harry is also Severus's child. . . and. . . artistic rights? Lol.
This will probably only be 2 more chappies and then I'll be done, because this is just a prequel to a HP AU fanfic I am writing I may write an epilog if people ask me nicely. =) I really like Lilly/Severus, so haters please hate elsewhere.
As always, reviews are what fuel my creative flame! I love input! I want to hear your thoughts!
Thank you for reading!