Author's Note:
This story takes place mainly in the manga-verse, mostly later in the story, though I will be taking some things from the anime as well. (It's fairly well adapted so far so it's not a huge problem) But if you haven't read the manga yet, I highly recommend that you do before reading this story, as their could be SPOILERS. I'm going to try to refrain from mentioning any major plot points, but still wanted to give a warning just in case. That being said, the story is going to jump around the timeline a lot, but if you've read the manga you should (for the most part) be able to pick up when and where these scenes take place.
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WARNINGS FOR
Violence, angst, psychological fuckery, and general gayness.
AND SPOILERS!
That's all for now. I hope you enjoy the story!
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Summary:
Humanity's strongest warrior. A hero to many, a monster to some. Seemingly invincible, unflinching and undeterred. But this legendary soldier as a weakness he cannot escape, and is haunted by the inevitable agony that comes with it. A ray of light pierces the darkness, only to be snuffed out. The heart is the enemy. The beauty is the beast. Is it ever worth it?
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The Cradle
of
Broken Dreams
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Prologue
Death Is But A Heartbeat Away
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Blood was everywhere. Over every surface - every piece of clothing, every strand of grass, every inch of exposed skin. The bodies lie strewn over the fields - dismembered and mutilated – pieces of unrecognizable flesh littered among them in a deep crimson massacre. You couldn't tell who's arms or heads belonged to who anymore. They were no one now. Just strips of unclaimed meat. The human being that once walked and spoke and dreamed were nothing but flesh now. Dead flesh that had been stomped into the earth. There was nothing left. Nothing left of the people they once were. Just the horror. The pain that they endured in the last moments of their lives were carved into their frozen, lifeless faces.
And there, standing midst the carnage, saturated in the red paint of their death, he was alone. Hot tears spilled down his face, and he felt a massive hand crush his body. The monsters giant, glowing red eyes stared him down, empty all for the lust of its meaningless hunger. It's toothy grin poised with the desire to crush his skull between their massive teeth. It opened its enormous mouth. He could feel the beasts hot, stinking breath. It's massive jaws closed around him. And then...
He opened his eyes.
The noise in his head suddenly stopped and it was like he was transported somewhere else.
He exhaled, feeling as though he might have been holding his breath in his sleep.
It was quiet now. The darkness was illuminated only by the dim glow of the moon that filtered in through the window. The sweet smell of a damp spring night filled the air as it drifted inside, gently fluttering the man's dark hair. And with its blessed luminescence, it shined on a familiar face that lay before him. Sleeping soundly... and alive.
His companions soft features were partially obscured by the messy blonde locks that fell in front of his face. With his lips, parted slightly, he could feel the warmth as he took slow, light breaths. He looked so peaceful. The soldier hoped his companions dreams were more pleasant than his own.
Still in a daze, Levi couldn't believe that he, somehow, of all people, had the privilege to wake up to something so comforting. That something this beautiful could exist in this crazy world of horrors. It was the only thing that could let him forget his nightmares.
The Captain reached up a hand to brush the blonde hair out of this perfect face before him, almost as if to see if this person was really there. The sleeping young man stirred a bit with the touch, sighing and curling up closer to the person he was sharing this bed with. One hand was curled under his cheek, while the other rested just in front of him in the space between the two.
The half-asleep man with the jet black hair moved his own hand and placed it over his companions.
Armin... He thought. How... did we get here...? Levi asked himself, staring at him sleepily through the darkness.
Oh, right... It was something you said...
...What was it again? I can't quite remember now...
He closed his eyes and leaned closer to his partner, just enough to touch his lips to his soft hair and take in his sweet scent.
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I'm...
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...going to miss this...
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The pummeling sound could be heard echoing through the empty hallways. The stars were shining bright, but nobody cared to look up at them for there was not a single head in the Scouting Legion that didn't hang low tonight. The barracks was quiet. Painfully quiet. So many lives lost. So many souls missing. So many were now just gone.
The noise continued. Erwin could hear it getting louder as he headed down the stairwell towards one of the training rooms. With a cloak around him, he carried a candle in his hand to light his path, as most of the torches were not lit tonight. The glow of the few that were spilled through the training room door where the sounds were coming from. The tall blonde man turned the corner and stood in the doorway.
His fists were raw by now. Surely to be bruised the next day, but he didn't care. He kept hitting. The heavy bag full of hay was beginning to tear, hanging from the ceiling in a mangled state. He couldn't lose control on the battlefield. That was one of the first things that were drilled into his head.
But here, he thought, I can lose control all I want.
He slammed his fists into the bag again, indenting its course exterior with each one. Again and again, the punches came faster. He gave the lifeless object a swift uppercut, then a roundabout kick, before stopping and finally letting himself catch his breath.
"You're up late." He heard a familiar voice and turned to see Erwin standing behind him with a lit candle in his hand. The dark-haired man with the narrow steel-blue eyes said nothing at first, just swiftly turned away, as if annoyed by the others very presence.
"Couldn't sleep." He said flatly, breathing heavily from the exertion.
"Hmm..." Erwin invited himself in and sat on the bench nearby. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Nothing to talk about." Levi replied, and started hitting the bag again. Despite the fact that he seemed like he was already exhausted, he kept punching.
Erwin just sat in silence for several moments, watching his comrade take out his frustrations.
"Are you having doubts?" He finally said.
"Aren't you?" Levi replied, looking back at him quickly.
Erwin just looked at him for a moment. "No."
"Tch." Levi turned back. "So, that's your intention. To continue on like always. Your plan was a failure." He hissed. "We lost so many. There's still so much we don't know, and it seems like the Titan's are just getting stronger." He gave the bag a single punch. "It's not like it was five years ago... What the hell hope do we even have left?"
"Hmph." Erwin spoke sternly, but gently. "Hope is all we have left. Without hope, there is nothing left to fight for."
Levi shook his head, continuing to stand facing away from the Commander. "...Even if it's just an illusion?"
"Yes." Erwin said. "Even if it's just an illusion."
Levi scoffed and growled, then took several deep breaths before speaking again, still heaving from his movements. He lowered his head and turned it a bit. He shoulders relaxed, and he finally said, "...I couldn't tell him..."
"Hmm?"
"I couldn't say anything..." Levi tried to hide the tightness in his throat, but it was near fruitless. "He was just standing there, going on and on, completely oblivious to the fact that I let his daughter die." He lifted his head and punched the bag again.
Erwin looked down at the ground, not finding anything to say.
"I suppose... he found out eventually." Levi said with another punch.
"Are you having regrets again?" Erwin asked.
"I can't be like you." Levi replied. "I try, but I don't know how you do it."
"Hmm..." Erwin put the candle down then interlaced his fingers, bringing them up and resting his chin on them. "It's not your fault, Levi. You know this. Petra was a capable warrior, and she knew the risk when she came to the Scouts. They all did." Erwin said. In a strange sense, he was trying to be comforting, but still had the air of a commanding officer.
"Maybe..." Levi paused. "Maybe I shouldn't have even chose her for the squad..." He said. "But... I just wanted to be close to her." A moment of hesitation, then yet another punch.
"Stop it." Erwin told him. "You need to learn not to do this to yourself."
"Tch..." The bag creaked back and forth as it swung idly from side to side. This time, Levi took the bag between both hands and steadied it. "I thought I had..." With that he disrupted the newly found quiet with a knee kick to the side of the thing. Then another, and another. The bag finally fell from its chain and tore open, spilling it's contents to the floor. He just stood there and stared at it, sweat dripping down from his shirtless torso, his hair disheveled and unkempt and his hands blanketed with a layer of dirt. The things dismembered pieces in disarray, cluttering the floor with its innards.
"I suppose..." Levi said after a moment. "Some things never change."
Erwin stood up and approached his friend, coming up to his side and looking down at the mess he had made of the floor and himself. He reached down and lifted one of Levi's hands by the wrist. "You should take a shower and try to sleep. Put some ice on these first, though. They'll be swollen by tomorrow if you don't."
"Hmph..." Levi scoffed, pulling his hand away, then finally turning to face the commander. "Is that an order?"
Erwin looked at his friend. Levi's eyes were dark and full of strain. He could see the damp remnants of tears that had streaked down his face. "It's a suggestion."
Levi snapped his head away in frustration, wishing the Commander would just leave him be.
But that was too much to ask of Erwin, who turned and picked up the shirt Levi had discarded carelessly on the floor, putting it around the shoulders of the shorter man.
"Come on... we have a meeting tomorrow." He said. "Help me put out these torches. I don't think anyone's going to be down here for a while."
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Night had fallen. The sound of chirping crickets and the crackling of a modest fire lead the squad into an uneasy peace, though that silence was deafened by the memories of the events earlier that day. Screaming, gunfire, the splattering of blood and brain matter – the squad members were relented to a shameful trauma no one could undo. None of them had expected, three months ago, that this was were the Survey Corps would lead them. To dirty their hands with the blood of fellow human beings had been unthinkable back then. They all had the same biting question. Was this really the path they needed to be on? Was this right? Did they even have a choice?
Sasha's hands trembled as she attempted to stitch up the Captain's wound.
"Hey." He said to her. "Take a breath, will you?"
She clenched her teeth together. "S-sorry!" She said in a sort of whine. The Captain had become particularly scary over the past few weeks. She didn't know if he'd always been this way, or if this was a new trend due to the current situation. Either way, she felt particularly fearful of possibly angering the man.
"It's fine." He said calmly, but sounding somewhat annoyed. "Just relax a moment if you can't stop shaking."
Sasha put her hands down and took a deep breath, closing her eyes in an attempt to collect herself.
Jean sat behind a crate, away from the others, holding his head. Connie kept himself busy feeding and giving water to the horses. Aside from that, the only thing anyone could hear was the sound of Armin retching outside.
Not that anyone could blame him.
"You guys..." Connie said, breaking another long silence, a concerned look on his face in the direction of the noise. "Is he gonna be alright?"
Jean looked up at Connie, his expression grim.
"Mikasa's with him." Levi said dismissively. "He'll be fine."
Jean looked away again and sneered, the mix of emotions inside of him a complete mess. On one hand, he felt angry at the Captain. He always seemed so cold and uncaring, no matter the circumstances, and Jean found it extremely unsettling. Didn't what happened today effect you at all? He thought.
Yet, on the other hand, deep down he knew that this was just the way it was. The Captain was not the one at fault. And he wondered, for a moment, if he survived long enough, if he would end up the same way.
He could still hear Armin out there. The guilt kept pulling at him, tearing him apart inside. Everyone had the same thing on their minds – the faces of the people they had killed that day. Even Levi, though unnoticeable, was shaken by the days events. Though it wasn't the fear of imminent death or the deaths of others that got to the soldier. No... It was seeing him again.
Levi didn't think Hell could get any worse, but these past few months... have proved him terribly wrong. He wondered to himself, with a sickening sense of dread, how much worse it was actually going to get.
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"ARMIN!" A strangled cry escaped the lone soldiers mouth, his voice cracking while he fought the pain and tightness in his throat. It was so quiet. Horrifically quiet. The only sound was the rustling of wind through the trees, but it did little to lift the stink of blood from the air.
The Captain shook, suddenly feeling weak. He put a hand over his mouth in an attempt to compose himself and silence the sobs he was struggling to suppress. Stop it... Don't you dare cry... He cursed himself. His legs gave out from under him, and he sat there on his knees, feeling more weak and helpless than ever. No... please... He begged, now trembling uncontrollably. Not again...
Levi tried to make his legs function. He was supposed to report back to base if he didn't find anything, but he couldn't move. He dropped his hand from his lips and closed his eyes.
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I can still feel it now.
My lips against your hair.
My hand drifting down the soft skin of your back.
Your warm breath as you speak sweet words to me.
The sound of your heart as I rest my head against your chest...
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Is that heart...
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….still beating...?
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Oh, yeah...
...I remember what you said now...
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"I think, if we love someone, we shouldn't hold back out of fear..."
Armin's voice chimed through his memories.
"Everyone's going to die, someday... sooner or later... When I die, I don't want to regret this..."
"Even if we die tomorrow... we'll always have this moment, right now... wont we?"
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I promised myself... that I'd never fall in love again.
But I broke that promise, now here I am.
To think there was a time when I didn't care whether you lived or died...
Do I regret it? I don't know yet...
I don't know if I even had a choice.
You swept me away with a force I've never known before.
I knew that you were just going to hurt me...
But I loved you anyway.
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Please, don't go...
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Not yet...
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(To be continued...)
Well! There it is, the first chapter. If you liked it, please take a moment to leave a review and tell me what you thought. I would very much like to hear your opinion!