Dear Homunculus,

Please do understand that you are certainly not welcomed into my room. Nor are you permitted to steal my underwear. Nor are you allowed to eat all of my chocolate minted strawberries, thank you very much. Please refrain from ever trying to touch my doorknob or you shall see to it that everyone will know that you do infact wear pink Gloomy Bear boxers.

I'm sure you know that this will affect your reputation as well as insult and ashame yourself. And do tell Mr. Pride that yes, women bleed without getting hurt. He is as blunt as the guy next door, if I may add. It is quite embarrasing, but rather if I must, cute. Unlike the rest of you slobs.

Very well, I do hope that you would stay true to your word and not peek into my room while I am changing. Have a nice day, Mr. Greed.

-Riza Hawkeye

Dear Hakweye,

I ain't wearing no Gloomy Bear boxer, ya get me? And even if I did, how did you knew that I had 'em? Hmmm? Did you come into my room? And I am thoroughly insulted, babe. It must be a crime to not steal your panties. Though you have a great fashion taste. Who would've thought that the Riza Hawkeye actually wore blue laced neon panties, huh? And the strawberries, ah, those, were Gluttonies. He ate 'em. Not me. Although yeah, maybe I stole them but who cares? They were delicious, man.

We are not slobs. Maybe Sloth, yeah, but not us. Pride is gay. Thats not cute. He couldn't even call women cute if he tried. And fuck it, he doesn't even know the PMS each fucking women go through. I'm glad I'm a dude, man. Those are complete hell.

I didn't promise no bullshit. So I'm still gonna peek at you. Speaking of which, I have great blackmail on cousin Wrath. Wanna take a look? And yes, have a pleasant day to you too, My Riz'.

-Greed Homunculus

Dear Greed,

Yes you do. Envy blabbered something about you wearing pink ones. I like that. Real men actually wear pink. Its a crime not to steal my underwear? Really, Greed? Seriously, get more pickup lines. And its none of your business if I do wear blue laced neon underwear. I find them quite comfortable, so give them back. I'll let Gluttony off this once because he helped me during lunch. And those strawberries are expensive. So next time, you will definitely not be so lucky.

Yes, menstruation is quite bothersome. And Pride is awesomely cute. He does resemble Edward in some ways though. Hes intelligent and tall, an apple to the eye, as some would say.

I could file you for molest and sexual harrassment,you know. So stop it. Go look at some other women. And oh yes, I would very much like to see it. Is it good blackmail? I hope so. Meet you in the cafeteria at lunch tomorrow?

-Riza, the one who wears blue laced neon panties

Dear Riza,

Envy. I am so going to kill him. Maybe thats why hes been avoiding me for shit. I don't really see him much anymore. And how did he even managed to get you to have lunch with him? I thought he'd be shot in the balls by now or some'in. These pickup lines came from mah' soul, babe. Thats for granted. Oh contraire, it is my business even if you wore a bunny suite. And no, I want to keep them. Smelling yer' scent be good enough for me. Although I might try to get in your pants. And when did you start havin' lunch with ma' cousins and not me? I mean, I know I'm too awesome fer you and shit. But don't you think it'd start making more sense if you went to lunch with me? And not them?

Pride is fucked up. Terribly, Ma' am. That Fullmetal and him look exactly the same, its hard to tell the difference. Except when ya put 'em together of course, the Fullmetal is a midget compared to Pride. And why are you even telling me this? I ain't no gay, Ma' am.

Even if you file against me, I could easily complain to cousin Wrath, seeing as he is fucking rich. Speaking of him, yes, tomorrow at lunch. Outside the school and into the basketball court. No one ever plays there anymore, so it'd be convenient I guess. You will not believe the amount of luck I have with these blackmail photos. Its something to do with Winry.

-Greed, the insanely sexy and cool dude

Dear insanely sexy and cool dude,

So you admit that you wear pink Gloomy Bear boxers? I was just toying, you know. I overheard him talking to a pack of girls surrounding him. He is quite the charmer. Getting into my pants may end up resulting with my rifle pointed at your face and you losing your pubic area. Again, I assure you, stop worrying, I didn't have lunch with them. Maybe except Gluttony that time. I was coming back from the library when my skirt accidentally tore. I swore I was so embarrassed that I would've given up all my knowledge just to get the skirt back up. Gluttony being there, was so kind enough not to laugh at me and instead give me his jacket. Luckily, no one else was there. This is only between you and me, get that? And even if you beg, no, I will not go out with you. Nor lunch, nor anything.

You idiot, I'm telling you this because I want to get you pissed, which I have succeeded in. And the fact that I'm flirting with you. I'm giving you a warning, do not call Edward that when he is around. He is likely to have you being chased by fangirls and wolves. Why wolves? Because they were the first thing that came to my mind.

Mr. Bradley is indeed rich. And any women would immediately fall for his distinguishing face and wealth. But I am not that kind of woman. So yes, I would like to blackmail him. He thinks he can get any girl he wants. Except for me. So really, I would like to take a peek of it. Do tell, what is it that has to do it with Ms. Rockbell. I hope its not anything adult material. I am but only a teenager.

P.S And no, I do not believe the amount of luck you have. Unless you can prove it by finding something to blackmail me, which is a bad choice unless you live near a hospital, then I shall believe you. Try, and maybe I'll go out with you for lunch. But only lunch.

-Riza, the one who hasn't been blackmailed yet

Dear sexy lady,

You admit that I'm sexy and cool? This is even better than lunch! And no, again, I do not wear pink. Envy is stupid. Hes a douchebag, a conceited, half-witted douchebag. You have no right to call him a fucking charmer. You get that? And I think I might take the chance of me having a pistol pointed to my face by a very beautiful, young, cute lady such as yourself. Don't worry, I won't tell no fricking soul. And why not? I'm a sexy bastard, isn't lunch good? You'd be popular, not with that douchebag Mustang.

You're flirting with me? How sincere, this is definitely better than lunch. Baaaw, that Elric shrimp couldn't make me dead even if he tried. And as for fangirls and wolves, I would approve of fangirls, but not wolves. Definitely not wolves.

Its about him, and that Winry girl, flirting and well, shes got a bump between her tummy and her.. you know. But yeah, shes fucking pregnant, dammit. And its not my child. Fuck, that sounded so playboy-ish. Anyways, hes got her pregnant and they be keepin' it a secret cause who knows what cousin-in-law might do if she finds out? Yeah, that woman's temper can sometimes get the better of her. Which is not cool. One time I pissed her off, she threw a fricking vase at me. A fricking vase. Who knew?

P.S I'm sure I could get anything outta you. Just wait, and wait, and wait, and let me try.

P.S.S Whats your favorite color?

-Greed, the not-so-conceited dude

Dear conceited man,

I admit nothing. I would really prefer it if you did not use such language against me. It is mostly innappropriate if someone were to find out. Especially the teachers around here. They are most strict. Flattery will get you nowhere, Mr. Greed. It is for the weak-minded and self-conceited. Roy has been my friend since I was 6. I could not dare to leave him. And no, I get popular enough by being the gloomy, intelligent, strict bitch. I do not need to be called a slut either, thank you.

Yes I am flirting with you. Are you so dumb as to not notice that? Forgive me, I did not mean to be so rude.

Winry is pregnant with Mr. Bradley? I find that all amusing, hard to believe and disgusting at the same time. Winry is awfully young to be having sex. And Mr. Bradley is much too old to be having sex too. Still, I want proof. I'd at least want to get a plan stratigised out. Mr. Bradley is known as a successful business man, overthrowing many other companies, and he would definitely not like it if his reputation is to be ruined.

P.S I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting, yet I see nothing. Do admit it before you lose this game. Do not embarrass yourself.

P.S.S Its red. Are you so ignorant to get my favorite color so you can blackmail me? Red is likely to be everyone's favorite color. You're cute when you're an idiot.

-Riza, totally not a slut

Dear strict bitch,

Fuck teachers, they don't know no damn thing about these letters. Even if they fricking do, we can either make a choice, bribe or threat. Its been done many times, duh. And we never been caught, man. I'm telling ya, this is foolproof. ' Cause teachers are douchebags. And they need to suck a dick for all I care. And this is the way I talk, darling. I'm sure it'd be no problem towards you, hmm? And you so totally need to be called a slut! That way, you and I can get married! Mr. and Mrs. Slut! How does that sound! Its fitting! I like it!

You're forgiven, ma 'lady. Its kinda like, inscense er something if ya ask me. Then again, don't. 'Cause I assume too much, Ma 'am. Cousin Wrath be damned. I just had that Winry chick some weeks ago, she ain't that good. She ain't pretty, either. I swear, I would so punch a baby if he were to get away with this. Which, is by the way, a long time. So yeah, work something out, get him busted, I'll get rich, then we can hump each other like bunnies! Hows that? :)

P.S I definitely do not embarrass myself, Ma' lady. I regret nothing!

P.S.S Red? Seriously? I'd thought you'd be a Green lady or something. But then again, green is Envy's favorite color, so is mine, but still Envy's. So I'd appreciate it if you like purple, thanks. :)

Greed, totally a bastard

Dear sir,

I see no point in arguing about teachers since all I'm about to get from you are insults. Very well, you have made your point. Tonight at 7? Father will be going out to mourn for mother this night. And I am sure he will not be back until the day after, about around evening. No, I will not be Mrs. Slut. And no, I do not like it. It is very rude and insulting towards a woman such as myself.

You are not getting me. I will not have sex with you. Note : Will not. So you can say goodbye to dreams, thank you. Well, see you tonight, I assume. Goodbye, Greed.

P.S.S I don't like purple. It reminds me of you. :)

-Riza, the goody-two-shoes

Dear girly one,

You know you want to. C' mon. I'll show you a good time. Mm' kay?

Fuck dammit, you so gonna fuck me. And yeah, I will keep swearing. So whatever, yeah.

P.S.S You bitch.

-Greed, the bomb

Dear stupid,

.. I shall see you tonight.

P.S.S I'm glad you know that now :)

-Riza, the one whos not becoming a virgin after all.