Michonne was tired. The walk home seemed to last forever and it was only half a mile. They had made good progress on the wall today but there was still a lot of work that had to be done. Shouldn't Virginia be cooler than Georgia? It couldn't have gone below 90 in the shade. She wiped her brow and pulled her dreads off of her neck. Some days she thought about cutting them off to get relief.
As she rounded the corner and looked up at the house, she breathed in the smells of baking. Baking! Such small pleasures that made her smile these days. Carol came out onto the porch to greet her. "Hey there. I have a couple of loaves of bread cooling on your counter. Thought you'd be hungry after the day you've had."
Michonne smiled, "You're a lifesaver Carol. Thank you." She climbed the steps and gave a tired pat to Carol's shoulder as her friend made her leave. "Carl and Judy inside?"
"Yup. Judy's been bathed and is down for the night and Carl is in his room reading. See you in the morning."
Michonne waved goodnight and made her way into the house. The lights were dimmed and it was silent. She stood in the doorway and took in the pristine living room with its clean area rugs and polished hardwood floors. Looking beyond, she gazed at the spacious kitchen with its polished countertops and gleaming appliances. It was surreal. Just a month ago, they were eating dog meat and praying for rain to drink. Now they were living the high life.
"This has to be real. This has to be it." Michonne said this daily almost as a mantra while she struggled with accepting and embracing her new life. It was almost too much. Too many people surrounding them. Too many luxuries. Too many good things.
When would it all go away? Was it just a matter of time?
Michonne shook her head and willed her negative thoughts away. She made her way up the stairs with her eye on the prize. A long, hot shower to wash away the grime and sweat of a hard day's work. She smiled. Would she ever get used to this new life?
Twenty minutes later, Michonne stood in her room in her bath towel trying to decide what to do. The shower had invigorated her and she wasn't sleepy but it was too late to dress again. She looked through her drawers and grabbed a pair of sleep shorts and a tank top so that she could be comfortable in the heat. It was cooler downstairs so she grabbed her book and made her way to the living room. There was a comfy chair with her name on it.
As she headed her way towards her favorite chair, something on the coffee table caught her eye. It was a piece of paper on top of a large book. Curious, she picked up the paper and read a note written in Carl's scrawl:
Found this book while checking out one of the empty houses and thought you might like it. Good night!- Carl
Michonne smiled at the note and then looked down at the book. It was an enormous tome: World History of Art. Michonne dropped into her chair and picked up the book with reverent hands, her smile shaky with emotion. She gently leafed through the pages filled with illustrations of masterpieces. Colors, images, faces and scenery all ran before her eyes as they filled with tears. It was overwhelming. Carl's thoughtfulness. His memory of her love for art. Her memories of galleries, beauty on canvas, endless possibilities in a world that no longer existed.
She wasn't sure how much time passed as she sat curled in her chair staring at the book cradled on her lap. The pages were long since blurred over as tears ran silently down her face. She closed her eyes and remembered finger painting with Andre, his non-stop chatter filling the room as he told her what animal he was drawing and how it was going to be the bestest horse ever. It was going to be a magical purple horse who could fly and fight dragons..."
"Hey."
The quiet greeting broke Michonne out of her past and she opened her eyes to find Rick sitting on the corner of the couch closest to her, his eyes filled with concern. He ducked his head to get a closer look at her eyes. "You okay?"
Michonne was silent as she took in his damp curls and clean t-shirt and jeans. He must have come home early from working on the walls and showered without her even hearing him. Where did I go? How could I not hear him? Shaking her head and returning to the present, Michonne gave a quick swipe to her eyes and sat up straight in the chair.
"I'm fine. Just really tired, that's all. " She took a fortifying breath and looked over at Rick with a small smile of reassurance. Be strong for him. Don't be a burden. "You came home early. Walls all done?"
Rick stared at her for a long minute. "Good enough for the night. Everyone was tired with the heat and all so we called it. We'll get started again tomorrow."
"Good. Good. Sounds like a plan." Michonne put the book back on the table and made to rise from the chair but Rick's hand stayed her.
"Hey. Sit down." Rick put slight pressure on her arm to settle her back into her chair. Here we go, Michonne thought. Officer Grimes getting ready to interrogate. He was always so in tune with her moods and expressions, especially since they reunited after the prison. She felt like she had no shields around him. That he could practically hear her thoughts. For someone who'd been on her own for so long, it was unnerving at times to have a friend who knew her so well.
"What's up?" Play it casual and maybe he'll drop it. Rick leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees so that his face was close to hers.
"Why were you crying when I came in? Did something happen?" She couldn't look into his eyes because if she did, she'd see the caring and she'd lose it completely. Rick had enough stress on his shoulders. He didn't need to add hers to the pile.
She stared silently at her tightly clasped hands and felt her weariness. She was tired of the fight. Tired of keeping it together for the good of the group. Tired of trying to make sense of a world gone to hell.
"Michonne?" Rick's raspy voice broke through her pity party and she stared as his hand covered her clasped ones. She looked up to see that Rick was now crouched in front of her chair, his blue eyes squinting at her. "Talk to me. Please."
"It's late Rick and I..."
"I don't care what time it is. I care that I found you sitting in the dark hugging a book and crying. I care that you're hurting and I want you to talk to me."
Rick's gruff demand made her squeeze his hand in gratitude. Here was family. Acceptance. She wasn't alone.
She smiled at him. "You remember that saying, 'Be careful what you ask for...'
"'You just might get it.' Yeah, I'll take my chances. Talk."
While she debated the words in her head, she looked at her friend. The man who saved her and took her in. The man who gave her a place in his family and who crept his way into her heart, along with his children. She trusted him with her life. She could trust him with this.
She sat up in the chair and motioned for him to get back on the couch. After he obliged, she took a deep breath and gave him Carl's note.
"Carl wrote me a note and left me a gift tonight." She watched as Rick read the note and look over at the book on the table. His brows drew together as he tried to put the pieces together.
"The book upset you? I'm sure Carl didn't mean..."
"No, no. Carl was sweet to think of me. The book was lovely and I appreciate it. I truly do. It..." She took a deep breath, "It brought back a lot of memories. Wonderful, beautiful memories. Things I haven't thought about in a long, long time. And...I...I think they were just too much. They got to me. That's all."
Rick stared at her for several moments, gauging her sincerity and emotional state. He nodded, "Yeah, memories can do that. Reminders of happier days and reminders of what we've lost." He gestured toward the book, "No more museums and art galleries unless we luck across them on a run." He looked back at her, his eyes steady and seeing everything. Leaning forward with his arms on his knees, he tilted his head toward her. "You wanna tell me how a book of paintings made the strongest woman I've ever known cry?"
Michonne smiled. Once a cop, always a cop. Nothing got past him, did it? She looked over at his dear, dear face conveying nothing but concern for her. She could do this.
"I collected art...before...everything. I loved it and it was a huge part of my life and..." Deep breath. "my son's life." She looked over at Rick to catch his reaction. His eyes were steady and he wore an understanding smile. He knew. Her eyes must have conveyed the question because he answered, his voice soft in the darkened room.
"I saw how you were with Carl. Your easy way with him. While I wasn't certain you were a mother, I knew you had cared for children before. You were a natural. And, then, when we were reunited with Judith, I saw your expression and just had it in my mind that you had a child. I figured when the time was right you'd tell me. I figured you kept a lot private and respected that. In the meantime, though, I wanted you to know that I trusted you with mine. That I knew you'd care for them and protect them if I weren't here. That you would love them."
Rick's gentle words made Michonne's eyes well up again. This man is killing me with kindness. How much more can I take? She felt her hands enveloped in his warm, callused ones and looked up. His face was inches from hers as he whispered.
"When I thought I would never see Carl again, I thought my life was over. Done. I didn't want to see another day if he wasn't in it. But then I found him and eventually I had Judith too. Losing Lori was..." He took a deep breath, his eyes looking off into the distance at dark memories, "tough. I'll never forget her or that day but having Carl and Judith was everything. I went to an awful place for awhile but knowing they needed me, knowing I had children to care for and to love...well that pulled me out."
He gazed into her teary eyes and squeezed her hands. "I'm not going to pretend to know or understand what you're feeling and I'm not going to pressure you to tell me what happened to your son. You tell me when you're ready. But I will tell you this. You have a family here. You have people who love you and care about you. Don't you forget that for one minute, understood?" He ended his words on a fierce whisper.
Michonne was overwhelmed. Her night had begun with exhaustion and had ended with a feeling of her heart being so full it was close to bursting. Memories of Andre, mourning him, coupled with this emotionally charged conversation with Rick was just about all she could take without breaking down again. Never one to bare her soul, she knew a retreat was in order. With a tremulous smile, she looked over at her friend.
"Thank you Rick. Thank you for that. It means so much. Thank you for listening and I promise..." Her voice got stronger here as her determination built, "I promise that I will tell you about Andre when I'm ready. Okay?"
Rick smiled, "Andre, huh?" Michonne smiled and nodded back. "Well, that's a deal I'll make sure to take you up on. I can't wait to hear about Andre." Rick stood up and pulled Michonne with him. "It's late and we've got another long day tomorrow. We should turn in." Rick gestured Michonne to walk up the stairs ahead of him.
When they reached Michonne's room, she turned. Rick was close enough so she could whisper, "Thanks again. For...everything." Rick smiled softly and nodded.
Without thinking, Michonne wrapped her arms around Rick's shoulders and pulled him in for a hug. Their friendship wasn't a demonstrative one but it felt right after the evening she'd had. She felt him stiffen in surprise for a moment and then his arms wrapped around her tightly as she felt his chin rest on the top of her head. It's amazing what the closeness of another human being can do. Michonne felt herself getting stronger with each moment she was held in Rick's arms. It was as if her batteries were recharging and she felt warm all over. She also felt Rick trembling slightly and wondered at that. She pulled away to look up at him in time to see his eyes widen in surprise as if he were caught off guard. He swallowed visibly, stared at her for a long moment and then awkwardly took a step back.
"Well, um...good night then. See you in the morning." His gravelly whisper stayed with her as he backed away and disappeared down the dark hallway to the room he shared with his children.
Michonne tilted her head in wonder as she stared down the dark hallway. What just happened?