Title: What a waste of a perfectly good, clean wrist.
Pairing: None
Genre: Angst, I believe
Warnings: Self harm, depression, eating disorders, swearing oops.
Please please please do not read if those trigger you.3
Summary: Cat's diary. The girl that no one else sees. The girl under the red hair and the bubbly personality.
An: different to what I have previously wrote but I am trying out new things and stuff. This is somewhat based of personal experiences, I guess.
1st January 2013
Dear diary,
Christmas has come and gone and my parents thought that it would be a fu idea for me to get a diary. You know, to write out all my CrAzY ideas. He he.
So hello. My name is Cat. Cat Valentine.
I dye my hair red because red velvet cupcakes. They taste so good! I loves them.
In here, I shall be writing all my thoughts and feelings. Or maybe some dreams and stories about my weird brother. He so crazy.
I can't think of anything else to write here…
I guess that's me.
-Cat xxxx
1st February 2013
Dear diary,
Cat here again! So far this year has been wonderfully fabulous. I got accepted to Hollywood Arts where I met Jade, Beck, Robbie and Andre.
They are really cool and talented! I feel like I really belong at that school, you're allowed to be different. With my red hair and my hyper self, I guess you can say that I am different. But it's really cool there. You decorate your locker. Mine is pink with a red flower in the middle. Flowers make people happy. Like when someone randomly gives you a flower as a gesture of kindness. Kindness gets you far in life. Yet some people in the school aren't that kind. Other than the rare mean students, all is well.
Just a little update! Yay!
-Cat xxxx
1st March 2013
Dear diary,
Hello. Back again. A little stressed this time. We have a new student called Tori and I know that I am the type of person to like everyone… But there is something about her that gives me a weird feeling. She is apparently so beautiful and fabulous and she is so so so talented. I feel like everything I have worked towards has been crushed by one person. I always tried to perfect my voice but I know she will get every lead role and it's irritating. I can assure you that I am not jealous, I just thought this was my one chance at making myself known, you understand?
Jade doesn't like her either. Says she tried to steal Beck. It did look like it in a way.
Jade is my best friend. She doesn't like to admit though because I think she is scared of what everyone will say because we are so different. But she is still cool. We help each other with homework and we help each other with any problems we have. I like feeling needed by someone. It makes me feel weird inside. In a good way.
Oh! My brother shouted a spoon today. Saying that the spoon wasn't actually silver. It was actually red. Then he ate it.
Ehe. He is really weird! My parents say he needs a special doctor. That's all!
-Cat xxxx
1st April 2013
Dear diary,
Hi. So school is getting harder and harder and the teachers are stricter. We have had auditions for plays. I didn't get any lead roles. Which I expected because Tori. Jade went for a role but Tori got it. I don't think she should have though.
What makes Tori so special? Why is so perfect? Why am I so weird?
Today, something bad happened.
I was walking into the bathroom where I heard some girls talking bad about me.
It went something like this:
"Have you heard Cat lately? I heard that she has a fucked up brother!"
"Ha, I know. Runs in the family then cus she is fucked too!"
"Does ugly run in the family too?! Hahaha!"
I wanted to cry. I ran out and hid in the black box. Why are people so hurtful? I have been nothing but nice to everyone and this is what I get back. I don't deserve it, unless I do.
Maybe I am fucked. I mean that would explain why I'm so weird. That explains why I'm not sassy and scary like Jade or beautiful and perfect like Tori.
I'm just fucked up Cat Valentine.
-Cat xxx
1st May 2013
Dear diary,
Rumors and shit talking.
That is all the last month has consisted of. I hate it. School is hell and I don't know what to do anymore.
A voice tells me that I shouldn't let it bother me.
Another, more dominate, voice tells me that they're only saying the truth.
I act happy thought. People believe it too. Perks of being an actress.
Easily believable.
I hate everything.
No one has seen the scars on my body.
They are hidden. No one cares enough to look deep enough. I'm the loser.
Loser with deep cuts covering her body.
-Cat xxx
1st June 2013
Dear diary,
More rumors.
I really don't want to oh school anymore. The worst thing is, my friends don't even try to help. Bet the don't even realise that I'm not okay.
Well, Robbie does. Sometimes.
But I can't do this anymore.
Do you understand how hard it is to walk into school and have everyone's eyes on you? Whispering? Laughing? Pointing? And you don't even know what you did wrong?
It is hell. Complete hell.
All my positivity is gone.
-Cat xx
1st August 2013
Diary,
Hi. I am sorry that I didn't write last month. I was put into hospital. Nothing major? I guess.
My parents noticed change in my behavior and whatnot.
The doctors said that I am clinically depressed.
This kinda shows that someone's perceptive on life can change in a matter of two seconds. A few words from people can alter someone's view on themselves.
I don't believe that I am depressed. I don't want to die or hurt myself and I have some positivity in life. (Robbie.)
I just want the hurtful things to stop. But people are too horrible to stop. They will stop once I've suffered enough. when will that be?
When I jump out of my window? When I swallow a bunch of pills? Cut my wrist too deep?
-Cat.
1st November 2013
Diary,
Hello.
I missed two months because more hospital and hiding in my bed every day.
I don't function like a normal person, you see.
I find it hard to eat, move, read, write, act.
I find such simple tasks such as laughing so energetic. Blinking is difficult and that is a natural thing we do.
I have been taken over by a dark monster and I am no longer Cat.
/thighs/
/wrist/
/ankles/
/stomach/
/everywhere/
/\\\
I am bones. Walking skeleton. I don't eat. It is too painful. I mainly sleep.
I sleep a lot yet I'm still so tired. Tired of the pain. Tired of living.
I don't go to school anymore. My mom pulled me out because even she knew it was too much for me. They were fucking hurtful. I WAS FUCKING HUMAN TOO.
I am hoping to cut deep enough tonight.
Also, Robbie told me I am beautiful today. He visited me. I laughed a humorless laugh.
He said my parents made a beautiful thing and they should be proud.
Can we create something beautiful and destroy it?
d/e/s/t/r/o/y
That is my main purpose.
Destroy the monster that is taking over. Even though it destroys me most the time.
Another purpose is watch the blood trickle from my body. It gives a strange sensation.
I am sorry for these words that I have written in you. Hopefully these will be the last words I ever write.
-C
1st December 2013
I am sorry for the blood splatters on the page.
I can not see very well, everything is blurry and I am very dizzy, so excuse my handwriting.
This is it.
The end.
It is finally here.
I can be in peace now.
More blood. I am sorry.
But I can now sleep in peace.
What a waste of a perfectly good clean wrist.
-
2nd December,
We loved you Cat! Rest in peace, beautiful xxx -beck
I will miss your random stories and your red hair. I will just miss you, lil red. -Andre
You were my best friend and I hope you went knowing that. I love you -Jade
Rest in peace, Cat. I hope you are happy where ever you may be to make up for the fact you weren't happy here. -Tori.
You were beautiful, Cat. The swellest girl I ever knew. Have fun up there xxxx -Robbie