The lyrics used in this piece of fan-fiction, are from Need You Now. I don't own anything; it belongs to Lady Antebellum.
WARNING: Self-injury
Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone
'Cause I can't fight it anymore
Renee was almost choking. The sobs coming over and through her were so much more than she could take right now. She had caused this herself, and she was fully well aware of it. She shouldn't have looked at the pictures of her childhood, but something within her, yet stronger than her being, had urged her to sit down on her knees beside the messy double bed she hadn't made in days; had urged her to reach far for the tin oval box that had once contained her mother's favorite cookies. She almost had forgotten she even had it. Almost.
No, she should have looked at them. It had been even necessary to look at them; necessary to see what she had become over the years… necessary to see that she no longer was anything of the unconcerned, lively child or younger woman portrayed on the pictures, but merely a ghost of what she once was. It had been only necessary indeed.
Renee Walker's shaky fingers brushed over the numerous pictures taken over the twenty-one first years of her life, searching for the lid that had covered the dented old box, but not immediately able to find it anywhere near, as the box itself lay upside down somewhere in the vicinity of the bedroom. At last, under some pictures taken in the early eighties, she found it with the top turned upward. The three happy children running in their painted colorful garden couldn't put down more difference with how Renee felt inside. One hand reached for the lid. Her cold and shaky fingers took a hold of the edge and lifted it just a bit higher for her to see it somewhat better. Tears heavily troubled her vision and ran down over her cheeks. She fiercely dabbed at them with the other hand, annoyed at herself for crying. Why was she even crying? Did she regret making the choices that had made her what she was now, oh so different from the stranger in the pictures, and the memories it brought to life within her? Had not only she taken those decisions then? Had not she been able to do it otherwise then?
She really did her best to breathe through the tears wrecking her body, even though it was hard… very hard. Then she suddenly wafted the lid far away, not caring in the least about what direction it would go. It unfortunately crashed right against the mirror of her dresser, before casting off in another direction as the mirror broke in innumerous pieces behind it. Renee's eyes unconsciously shot up, eyelashes batting a couple of times rapidly, as the reddish orange light of the late going under sun that had been reflected into the mirror before was being redirected in most every direction as the mirror broke, casting flashes of light around her everywhere.
Renee's eyes locked on the lid of the old tin cookie box, wiggling slowly on the parquet a couple of feet further from where she sat. She just watched it, until it became motionless, before redirecting her eyes at the load of pictures laying everywhere around her. Even though she hadn't paid much attention to them when taking them from the box one by one like insane, she knew that she was laughing on most. In fact there were only just a few on which she wasn't. Right now, she even couldn't recall anymore when had been the very last time she had laughed and really meant it as well; when had been the very last time she hadn't laughed just to be polite, or because it had been ordered.
And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens
All the time
Her eyes wandered over pictures of her together with her father, him holding her fast like a baby, as she just squirmed to get away. She vaguely recalled those times, when her mom would look at them with a smile and occasionally take pictures. Renee picked up the picture, ran her thumb over the date and looked at it carefully: it showed March 1983. That must have been one of the last then. She quietly shook her head as the memory of her mom filled her mind. Her mom had left her first, being followed by her father a good five years later. She used to be furious at them, for leaving her alone behind. She refused to think about them.
The vague old picture slid between her fingers, and then her eyes suddenly fell on one a bit further. She reached for it with her other hand and saw the happy little family sitting at the white porch swing, in mid July 1979. She briefly wondered who could have taken it, before letting go of it once again. She needed not to see any pictures of them anymore. She had forgiven them now; was no longer mad at them and understood. Yet somehow she liked it better to leave them alone… and at the very same time she couldn't get herself to throw them away. She couldn't fully well think of any reason whatsoever why she would keep them, since she never could look at them, but…
Another picture caught her interest. She didn't have a smile for that one either, even though she and everyone else in it were laughing wide. This was a picture of her in a rather short, glittery black dress at her eighteenth birthday party, surrounded by her best friends of then. It sometimes reminded her of Charlie's Angels. Considering what she herself had become later on, it was ridiculously ironical. She couldn't rightfully tell what had become of Gabrielle, or Sophie. She hadn't heard of them in years; had lost contact with them soon after the picture had been taken, and each had taken their own respective ways in college. They had assured each other to keep contact, but it hadn't worked. Renee briefly wondered how her life maybe could have been like if it had. It was quite curious that even after so many years, she still recalled their names.
She then focused on the right upper corner and saw the vague darker figure of Tommy. She fell back onto her butt, accidentally bumping her back against the hard wooden side of the bed. She just ignored the immediately following throbbing on the lower left side of her spine. Tommy and she had been together for about a month, a year before the picture, but in the end had realized they had had really nothing in common.
She shrugged, then thought of the man she had so much in common with… the man who had called her mere times without her picking up. There were only few times in the day she didn't think of him. There were just few times in the day she didn't wonder about what was going on between them if anything was going on to begin with, but he… was Jack Bauer, the guy who often thought of death as necessary. She, however, had seen the interaction between him and Kim and had been amazed by that so different side of him. She wasn't really convinced, though. She wasn't convinced if it was that good of an idea to confide in him and show him what she felt. He had called her mere times a day ever since… that day, and maybe he would show up at her door if she just continued ignoring him, but she highly doubted it. He sure called her often enough, but did that actually mean he really thought of her and about how she was doing and cared?
It's a quarter after one
And I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
Renee lay curled up in bed, not really recalling how she had gotten herself into it anymore. Her eyes quietly trailed to the old clock radio: one of the few things she hadn't smashed down on the parquet in the past couple of days yet… one of the things in her home still upright while she no longer had the will to do so. It just showed a quarter past one in the middle of the night, but she couldn't entirely take in the concept of time anymore after days of barely having eaten anything and not having done the least to take care of herself. Renee's hair wasn't combed and was directed in every side possible. She hadn't even seen a shower in days, whereas she usually hated to be smelly, even if just a little. She usually would have regarded herself as hideous in this state, but now she couldn't care less.
She had no more tears left now, but the sobs still wrecked her body. She sniffled, then screamed at the top of her lungs; it was a cry of despair… a cry for help maybe. It, however, only returned to Renee herself faintly, the walls around her not giving a reply or not even a nod to recognize they had heard her. Even though it wasn't, she could feel the walls coming nearer, ready to swallow her whole. No one was even listening. Her cry for help remained unheard, she thought, just as the phone began buzzing somewhere. She couldn't think of where she had last seen it. She wouldn't have cared either if her heart hadn't ached at that thought that maybe, just maybe it would be Jack. She lethargically leaned over the edge of the bed and saw something move between the pictures. She reached for it and indeed found her phone underneath, taking it and lying it beside her on the bed.
She didn't pick up, though. She never did. Her bright blue eyes just locked onto the name visible onto the screen as usual. She just gazed at the name, and then it was gone again. The number of missed calls rose up with one number, settling on eighteen. Eighteen times she had just looked at the screen and gazed at his name, no idea what to think, or what to do, but not picking up for sure.
New tears found their way down her cheeks as the light dimmed on the screen of her phone. She wondered how much was even left to be crying for; was there even anything left to begin with? She then quietly allowed her eyes to wander over the bedroom and noticed the mess in which she had lived for the last couple of days. And it wasn't getting any better either. She had lost control… or what was it again, control?
Without thinking much about it, she reached for her phone and dialed the last missed number. She lethargically listened to the beeps. One. "Jack." He had picked up before the second. Another load of tears of which the origin was unknown washed over her upon hearing his voice. It sounded different than usual. Jack's voice sounded less steady, but she couldn't quite say in what way. His voice was as low and deep as usual, and yet there appeared to be so much more depth in it. Heavy sobs wracked her body, and sure he could hear it, too. "Renee?" It sounded, and concern took over his voice. She knew it must be concern. It could be just nothing else. She had heard it before. It wasn't pity... It wasn't feeling sorry... It was… concern. "Renee?" And that instant she knew it must be real, she just suddenly became scared.
Whom was she fooling, though? Whom was she fooling by thinking she could do this alone, that she alone would be able and big enough to take care of herself? If one man would get her, it would be him. Renee's life had been built of taking care of herself. She had learned to fall back on herself only, and in a way Jack had only strengthened that feeling. He had shown her that not even the FBI was safe from infiltration and housing some bad guys. She needed him, even if only to tell her once again that it would be better one day, but she couldn't. She quietly let the phone fall shut and cried alone in the dimness of her bedroom, with everything around her crashed, representing very good how she felt inside.
Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in
The way you did before
Without paying much attention, he quietly lifted the heavy half full bottle to his lips and took another sip, before setting it down on the table beside the couch again.
Jack's ocean colored eyes wandered in the direction of the door. He laughed at himself, before redirecting them down. What was he doing? Was he hoping that suddenly she would come walking in? Was he hoping that she would announce herself knocking at his door? Did she even have any idea in the least where he lived?
He couldn't say whether the volume of alcohol in his blood was fooling him, or if it was just the worry alone he felt for Renee's wellbeing. The fear for her doing dumb things like him. The memory of her in near despair while gazing over Larry's lifeless body bothered him, of her being so downright broken and lost. He knew that she had gone on for vengeance. He knew that being busy must have kept her sane, but he feared that she would give up soon now… if she hadn't already.
He just shook his head, as the memory and thought of her walking by at the FBI or at CTU suddenly filled his mind. She would take such meticulous, sincere strides. Her eyes would shimmer in determination at what she wanted to achieve, her mouth being just a thin, determined line. And her lengthy reddish hair would wave after her. She was one hell of a woman, yet he internally feared that right now she was really nothing of that anymore. He had seen her. He had been there once upon a time, too. And he wanted to keep her from doing the same and far from thudding in the very same mistakes as he had made then.
"… I won't let you do it to her, Bauer. Renee will not end up like you."
"That wasn't my intention, Larry." Jack sighed.
And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens
All the time
Jack's eyes almost unconsciously, even though quite determined at the very same time, wandered to his inactive cell phone lying on the table before him. He sighed, before shaking his head at calling her again. No. He wasn't going to call her again. She wasn't going to reply either way. It never directed straight to voice mail, so that was enough of an indication for him that at least she hadn't entirely turned off her phone.
That didn't really make him feel better about it in the least. He wondered… was she aware that he had tried calling her a couple of times, or didn't she pay any attention whatsoever to the ringing or maybe buzzing of her phone? Had she even noticed it ringing or buzzing?
Maybe she was just unable to reply? Maybe she was lying there bleeding to death after having tried to kill herself? Maybe she was already gone and...
Jack sighed, leaning forth, before covering his tired face with both hands. He candidly refused to think about that option, even though he internally feared for the worst.
No. He wasn't going to call her again. He should give her the space she needed. He had given her enough chances to take his hand and allow him to help her. What hurt him the most was maybe being sure he could. He could get her from this whole mess, but she would have to aspire it, too. He couldn't do anything if she wasn't willing to cooperate. And it appeared to him that she wasn't.
The thought of maybe being too late settled into his mind again, and it was hard to push past it. He just couldn't be too late, but what could he do if she wouldn't give him any notice of being alive or not? What could he even do?
He just shook his head again, a lot of things going through him right then. None of them made any sense whatsoever.
Oh, Renee. Please don't make the very same mistakes as I did. Please don't. Let me hear something.
It's a quarter after one
And I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
The beeping of Jack's cell phone brought him into the now once again. His ocean colored eyes flashed around himself wearily at first, as he wasn't immediately sure from where the sudden beeping sound came. There weren't many alternatives to begin with, and he usually would have recognized this right away in any other situation, but not this time. His mind had been quite occupied with thoughts of Renee and some possibilities of what could be going on with her right then. He wondered how she was… coping; if she was taking care of herself. What Renee could be thinking right now.
He quietly got up and reached for the cell, after having found this was causing the sound. He walked into the bedroom with it and attached it to the charger, which itself was sitting into the socket beside his bed for one reason or another. The screen lit up to announce that his cell was attached to the charger, and its battery had begun loading again. He vaguely noticed the little digital numbers indicating almost a quarter after one in the night.
He quietly put the cell down on his night table, before sitting down on the edge of his bed. He wondered, if Renee was asleep, or if she was just restlessly walking around. He could imagine her doing it right now, even though he had no idea of how her home looked like.
He sighed. That wasn't entirely truthful. He knew how Renee's home looked like from the exterior. Jack easily recalled waking up at a hospital immediately realizing what must have happened. He didn't really believe in a life after death, so he had known immediately that he must have survived; that therefore that experimental therapy which he hadn't even taken in consideration, had worked. That Kim must have been headstrong enough to go through with it after he had gone into a coma. He wasn't entirely dumb. He had known she would, somehow. Maybe just a piece of him had hoped for it, too. He had taken grace with dying. Thinking about it now, he was actually happy Kim had done it. He was happy enough to know little Teri and be with her. Oh, she was such a lovely little girl, just like Kim had been more than two decennia earlier.
He had found Renee's address and had passed by it after having been discharged. He had pushed the button of the intercom without reply and had left somehow aware enough of her being home. Maybe it was quite cruel to consider, but she just had nowhere, or no one else to go to. She must have been home, but she hadn't really been willing to open. This was now eleven days ago.
He sighed, yet a smile appeared on his lips at the thought of his granddaughter. Kim and her family still resided at the hotel right around the corner. They were going to be there until the end of next week, before returning to L.A. He was going to go with them. There was really nothing holding him here, so why wouldn't he?
He had really enjoyed wasting time with Kim's family thus far and especially with little Teri. They had gone sightseeing and such. Today, or since it already was past midnight – yesterday, they had visited the National Aquarium. He smiled, thinking about Teri's wide eyes again; her nose and hands stuck to the glass to eye everything better.
And again, his mind trailed off to Renee. He hadn't heard of her in a while. He wanted to know if she was really alright; if she wasn't becoming reckless, or… He needed to know. And thus he easily reached for his phone and dialed her number. He knew it right from the top of his head. And yet he actually pushed the buttons necessary to compose her number slowly, then the button to go through with the call. He couldn't say whether he should really be calling and especially this late. He knew that she wouldn't really be asleep anyway, though. He recalled how he himself had been after Teri's death. Insomnia would be far closer to reality. Maybe it was hard, but not less truthful at least.
He hadn't had up his hopes, and so he wasn't surprised to find it going to voice mail after a couple of beeps unreplied. He again didn't leave any voice message. She wasn't going to listen either way, if she didn't even ever do the effort to take his calls. He had known she wouldn't again this time, but it was much stronger than himself.
Something within him told him that she needed him now, irrational thought or not. Something within him made him feel as if tonight was going to be acute in Renee's being. The feeling was more existing than it ever had before, but it wasn't due to the alcohol; not everything could be caused by the couple of whiskey sips. He didn't actually believe in spiritual connections or anything else of that shit either, but that didn't make him feel better in the least. Even though he didn't believe anything of it, he could actually sense that tonight she maybe might be needing him more than ever.
The screen of his cell suddenly enlightened. He could notice it from the corner of his eyes, before the cell's ring tone sounded into the quietness of his bedroom. He couldn't think of anyone who would be calling him this late, unless they were in trouble. Jack's heart jumped up at the thought of Kim, or Stephen, or Teri in need. Immediately, his ocean colored eyes flashed to the caller ID. A lot of things were set into motion inside his head. Renee Walker.
It didn't take him much to reach for his cell phone and accept, before holding his mobile beside his ear. First, there was just silence before he could hear her sobbing on the far other end. This was her indeed, and she too was alive, but a wreck or worse. He never wanted Renee to be feeling so in despair and alone. And at the very same time Jack was happy, that she now had given at least a notice of still being alive, no matter barely without a doubt.
With exception of Renee's sobbing at the far other side, there was entire silence. She didn't say a word, and momentarily he wondered why she would call if she wasn't going to say anything. He recalled himself losing control and calling her himself earlier, even though it already had been late and even though having been sure that she wasn't going to take it either way. He tenderly whispered her name, but it didn't change anything. She still made no indication she was going to say something. She most likely wouldn't. Maybe she had called just to hear his voice, like he had longed to hear hers. Jack still longed to hear her voice, even though this already calmed him in a way. She was at least alive; it was delicate hope. It wasn't yet too late.
He then called her name again, possibly a bit softer than before. Please, Renee. Please say… something… anything…
Instead of Renee's particular, soft voice sounding from her end, she suddenly discontinued their call. He uselessly whispered Renee's name for another, third time, but now it had become entirely quiet on the other side. No longer could her heavy sobs be heard. Nothing. He slowly pulled the phone away from his ear, but continued to hold it.
Jack quietly rose from the edge of his bed and detached his cell from its charger before stuffing it deep into his pocket. He didn't care about it not being entirely recharged yet. He then walked over to the kitchen on bare feet and unsuccessfully searched his counter. Finding things would have been a bit easier with light on, but for some reason he refused. Difficult would be working as well. He internally cursed as he couldn't really find that what he was looking for, lifting things from the counter while searching if it should be hidden.
He, Jack Bauer, who had saved this Earth so often was in fact a coward. He was really nothing else but a coward. He had let her go through everything alone, while aware that he could have made it better. She needed him with her, even if she wouldn't like to admit it. Renee's call had made that feeling even stronger; it had made him even more sure. And he wasn't going to let her down. He already should have done this much longer ago.
Jack, you coward. …Oh damn.
In chagrin, he accidentally threw the salt and pepper set down onto the tiles, then noticed that what he was looking for behind it either way, even though he had looked there already. His mind was fooling him, but not this time. It had been fooling him oftentimes concerning this issue, concerning Renee, but it wouldn't now. He never before had known more clearly what to do. This choice was one he could live with and very necessary altogether.
Yes, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all
Renee's light blue eyes were focused onto the vein in her right wrist. She was leaning against her fridge, knees curled up against her chest, just looking at the vein as blood continued running through it, continued to keep her alive. Inside, she didn't really feel alive anymore. Renee was unbalanced. She would have to become better and feel alive again… or make an end to this misery and leave it behind for good. She didn't have anything or anyone anymore. She had nothing or no one to wake up for, and this Earth wasn't really worth living for to Renee either. It housed monstrous felons about everywhere, even where you least anticipated it. Who could say that maybe her neighbor couldn't be a murderer? If put into a very particular situation, most everyone can be brought to kill willingly. You just have to push one's right buttons. You just have to put them into an atmosphere in which they would have control and better: in which higher loyalties would describe their doings.
Renee's eyes were dry. She wouldn't cry anymore. She was entirely drained and lost... She intuitively closed her fingers tighter around the handle of the huge kitchen knife in her left hand. In one way or another the pain actually happened to be that much, that she didn't even feel it anymore. She felt like she wasn't entirely in her body anymore, that a piece of her being wasn't there anymore. A piece of her indeed had left: Larry. He had been there for her in many ways. He had been the one to take care of her when Renee's mother and father no longer could. He had been her lover while everyone else thought of her as weird and dangerous, or maybe thought of her as that hot FBI bitch with her gun and had only wanted to get her in bed.
She quietly raised the knife, before letting the tip of the icy cold blade touch her skin. For just a second she wondered, if there was maybe another choice, but there wasn't. She no longer had the will to go on with life. She had to do this. As the tip of the knife cut through her skin, a bead of blood appeared on the surface. She then took a breath and shut her eyes, before moving the blade upward in the direction of her wrist slowly, very slowly. She wanted to feel the pain. And as she did, Renee's head leaned against the fridge. She couldn't think of anything but the pain. Her mind was free from anything else but that blade moving over her skin and that pain it caused. A smile came over her lips: it was so much better to just feel.
Renee got interrupted by knocking at her door. Her eyes immediately opened and wandered in that direction, her knife coming to a halt in her hand. Leave me.
Her eyes trailed to the cut, the blood now running down in lines over her wrist, trickling into her lap. She suddenly began panicking, letting her eyes fall shut once again and moving to continue that what she had begun. Leave!The one at the door became demanding and knocked again but harder than before. "Renee!" Her eyes shot open once again. She gasped. No, she had to do this. She just had to do this now; and not even Jack Bauer was going to stop her.
And yet she couldn't make herself do anything right now. The knife still felt cold onto her wrist. She couldn't make herself to continue, nor to pull the blade away. Renee took another, deep breath and shut her eyes and let the knife slide up slowly. It was much better to think he wasn't really there. He would leave soon just like last time. The feeling of pain wasn't as effective to put her mind off things this time. She knew, that she needed more now and moved to apply more pressure onto the blade.
"Renee! You're in there, so don't make me kick in your door!"
Renee's eyes shot open once again, knife coming to another halt. Her breathing was overtaken by panic now. No, leave! Leave! A voice screamed it inside her head. He would try to save her. That really couldn't happen. She didn't want to be saved. She wanted to die. She looked at the door, and another load of tears came; tears of pure frustration. He would bust the door any second now, just like he had already threatened. It rarely happened that Jack Bauer didn't keep to his threats. Jack would do everything he possibly could to save her. She wasn't going to die tonight. She was going to be taken to a hospital nearby and rescued.
It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
There was no other choice than to do it. He kicked in the door.
As Renee's lock broke, and the door before him opened, he momentarily just waited in the doorway, while eying the mess; it was even worse than he would have thought. She was doing even worse than him. He quietly eyed the things crashed beyond repair everywhere. Almost nothing still was upright.
It could make you feel better for a second, but even Renee must have realized by now that it wasn't effective for longer. Renee. He needed to find Renee. He then walked further and shut the door behind him. Curious neighbors rushing by because they had heard the sound of something being kicked in and seeing the mess could be missed. His eyes wandered over Renee's crashed living room, and right then he could hear the sound of metal connecting with tiles. He immediately realized what this meant. Shit.
No. Renee. He immediately tried locating from where the sound had come, walking into Renee's kitchen area. He wasn't sure if he could thrust his hearing, but he thought it had come from there. Jack was right. His eyes wandered over the bloody kitchen knife, then further over the woman sitting right beside it, leaned against the fridge and sobbing in despair. Renee's hands covered her face as she cried, and Jack could see lines of blood run down from her right wrist. He wasn't too late, even though she likely would feel the entire opposite about that.
He slowly walked further into the kitchen and sat down on his knees beside her, thoughtfully kicking aside the knife. "I hate you," sounded in between sobs, muffled by her hands. He just ignored that, eyes going over the counter to try find something that would stop the bleeding.
They fell upon a semi-unused kitchen towel. He got up easily and took it before returning to Renee's side. "Shh, let me see," Jack whispered, cautiously taking her hands away from her face, before looking at the cut. He carefully put the towel onto it and applied careful pressure. It didn't seem deep. They most likely didn't need a trip to the hospital, he hoped. "Oh, Renee."
She didn't put up a fight. She just no longer had the power to do so. Jack's eyes wandered over her more carefully now. Renee only appeared to be wearing an old, too large FBI shirt that could fit him easily, too. She hadn't taken care of herself in any way. And this had been going on for a while. He was somehow proud of her… for having been able to hold on for at least this while, before taking the more serious alternatives. He slowly pulled a bit of the towel away from her wrist to check. It didn't appear to have stopped yet, so he pushed it back. Jack looked at her. Renee's eyes were directed into her lap lethargically. He had taken away the one choice she still had.
"Renee," he whispered, carefully raising her chin for her to look at him. She blinked away tears to focus. "You're going to be alright." At that, she immediately shook her head, lips wobbling and announcing more tears. She began sobbing again. "You are, even though it may not seen that way right now." He then directed his attention down at the towel, carefully pulling it aside again. The bleeding appeared to have stopped this time. They could indeed save a trip to the hospital. That would be better. The attentive hospital staff would know just what had happened and direct her to numerous psychiatrists. Jack wasn't really for any shrinks. He didn't believe that they could really make you feel better. How could anyone who doesn't know shit about you, make you feel better, let alone say what to do in order to?
I just need you now
Oh baby, I need you now
Jack cautiously tucked some of her wet reddish hair behind her ear. Renee's eyes were still gazing off into the distance at nothing in particular. She hadn't said anything, just shaken her head and sometimes nodded at whatever he had.
He would take on her home tomorrow. Renee was more important. Renee came first. He had given her a bath, had carefully washed her and helped her change in something else. He had patched up the cut and had combed her hair and brushed her teeth, much like he had done with Kim so many years ago; just like he would do with little Teri – minus patching up the cut most likely. It, however, hadn't been unusual for little Kim to come home with a scratch here and there. Kim had been such a tomboy; he still sometimes wondered how she could have become such wonderful, young woman.
He had carried Renee to bed and searched for something nice to eat and thirst. There hadn't really been much, but he had found some unopened rusks in one of the cabinets and a not yet past date bottle of milk. It hadn't been much, but at least something. In first instance, it had been light to eat. He supposed that Renee hadn't eaten well in quite a while, and thus maybe that wasn't so bad. Secondly, he would have had to leave her again to get her something else. Of course he wasn't very keen on leaving her alone after she had tried killing herself. He shouldn't have left her to deal with it alone to begin with.
It had taken her an hour and a lot of encouraging from Jack to eat two rusks. She had turned her head at the third, refusing to even open her mouth again. The rusks lay on her night table now, together with the half full bottle of milk. At least she had gotten something in. It may be little, but at least something.
They lay together in bed facing one another, fully dressed upon the messed up covers. Both her hands lay motionless by the side of her head on the pillow, one of his tucked under his head as the other lay upon hers. "You're going to be okay," Jack whispered again. "And I'll be there for you." Both of them had fooled themselves. Of course there was something, or someone, keeping them in Washington D.C. and alive. Each other.
"Jack," she whispered, one tear originating within her bright blue eyes again and rolling down over her cheek, going faster by gravity upon nearing the pillow. Jack's finger reached for it right before it would have fallen down onto the pillow. It would be the very last one; the very last tear she would allow to come from her eyes. She had done basically nothing else but cry in the past couple of days or weeks. She believed that she had cried more in this period than in the rest of her life together.
Jack momentarily waited for her to say something more, before realizing she likely wasn't going to. "I'm here," he whispered, somewhat surprised, as she moved in bed, before hiding her face in his chest. She didn't cry. She just… wanted and needed, so much to feel safe. He cautiously kissed the top of her head. A good old hug would do. He slowly allowed a hand to slip around her waist; the same one that had held hers earlier. He held Renee against him protectively and lovingly. He wondered if she could feel it, too.