Feel alone

Summary: Ran moved on, leaving Conan more lonely than he has ever felt. But has he really ever been alone? slight (pre-?) KidCo/KaiShin OS

Disclaimer: Nothing's mine!

Pairing: Not quite KidCo / KaiShin, may be pre-KaiShin. Side RanOC.

Rating: T because TooDepressedToThinkAboutIt

A/N: I was feeling lonely and depressed, so I started writing this. And then I suddenly, out of the blue, felt better, hence the good ending. Don't know how (if) it would have ended if I hadn't felt better though.

Warning: If I had to give any, I guess it would be: Beware of the OOCness. I don't think I can actually reproduce the characters'... character. So, forgive me if it is OOC.

Oh, btw, the cover picture is a drawing I made especially for that. Something's wrong with it but I don't know what *shrugs*

Conan stared as the kids ran in circles after each other, laughing wildly. His gaze was empty, distant, as his mind was anywhere but here. Despite not being alone, he felt lonely. Nobody talked to Shinichi, they talked to Conan.

Conan wasn't his true self, even though he's been there for more than a year now. Haibara was slowly making progress on the antidote, but there were at least two more months before anything new would come up.

With a sigh, his gaze landed at his feet, bringing a pang in his chest when he saw that his legs weren't even touching the ground.

Why was he so depressed again? Ah, right. Ran had moved on.

When he had called earlier, as Shinichi, she told him she was tired of waiting for him, and that she was seeing someone else. And she was happy with that someone else. Someone else, as in not Shinichi.

He had noticed something, as Conan, but he didn't want to believe it. But now... he couldn't avoid it, she wasn't waiting for him anymore.

So why should he get back? It has been so long now, and all the fuss about Kudo Shinichi's disappearance died down. Everyone was forgetting him. Even Ran stopped looking rueful anytime he was mentioned. She had moved on. For good. He was just someone she used to know, used to love. Just a memory.

He wasn't Kudo Shinichi anymore. He had nothing left of his old life. Maybe he should tell Haibara to give up the antidote.

His thoughts skidded to a stop with a blink. He really had changed, hasn't he? Before, he would never give up on anything, he would always go ahead no matter what.

Conan snorted disdainfully. But before, he also had been selfish, proud, and he thought nothing would get to him.

That had changed when he became Conan, of course. Conan was someone else entirely. He still had some of Shinichi's habits, but he was more open, more... accessible. He had friends, where Shinichi didn't have any. Ran was a childhood friend, so she didn't really count, and Sonoko... Well, she was more Ran's friend than Shinichi's.

And all the people he met as Conan who didn't know him as Shinichi... He didn't have enough fingers on both hands and feet to count them.

He sighed again, pulling up his legs and wrapping his arms around his knees in an unconscious attempt at seeking comfort.

His life sucked, didn't it?

Conan jumped when someone sat heavily beside him on the bench. He turned his head to see a teen, probably his real age, with messy brown hair and... Shit, his face looked almost like Shinichi's. Conan stared. That should be Kid. If anybody looked like Shinichi around Beika, he would know.

"Why the long face?" the teen -certainly Kid, even his voice sounded like him- asked, his face turned quizzically toward the child.

"Not your business" Conan muttered and looked away, missing the frown appearing on the other's face.

"I live to entertain people, boy, I can't stand to see a young face like yours with such a sad expression." With a flick of his wrist, a blue rose appeared in front of Conan's face. "Kuroba Kaito, magician."

Conan snorted derisively. "Another one of your assumed names, Kid?" he said without much heat, his voice as flat as a board.

"What are you talking about? As much as I'd want to, I'm not Kid" the teen -Kuroba- retorted, seemingly confused. He held the rose a bit higher than before, silently asking Conan to take it.

The kid looked at the teen, searching his face. The color of his eyes was the only difference his face had with Shinichi, they were of a darker blue than his. Behind the concerned gleam in them, he could spot mischief, even though it was well hidden.

"No need to hide it, Kid. I recognized you." Conan looked away again, his shoulders unconsciously slumping.

The other stood silent for some seconds, then sighed, leaning against the bench. The rose disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"So, why the long face?"

"Still not of your business."

Kid groaned. "Tantei-kun..."

Conan's face darkened at the nickname. Obviously. Even the Kaitou Kid only knew him as Conan. Another reason not to turn back to Shinichi. Not that his older self would have chased after the thief, but...

"What's gotten to you?" the magician asked, genuine concern seeping through his voice.

"Nothing" Conan stood up and turned to leave, when the teen's hand grabbed his arm.

"Wait"

"Let go. I can shout for help" the kid threatened. "Know what it would look like?"

The older frowned. Obviously he knew. "You wouldn't."

"Try me" was all he said, and the other let go.

If he was honest with himself, Conan wouldn't have shouted even if Kid hadn't released his arm. But he knew the thief would not risk it. So he walked away, his heart sinking even further down with each step.

"I don't like it when you're sad..." Kid called after him, Conan's steps faltering for a moment before picking up again. "Shinichi"

The kid froze in mid-step. Had Kid just called him... Shinichi? Or did he just fantasized about that? Shaking his head, he started walking again when he heard footsteps following him.

"Stop following me."

"Shinichi, wait" he said, and Conan stopped.

The detective looked up at the teen who had just caught up with him. "What did you call me?"

Kid smiled, sympathetic. "I called you by your name. Shinichi." Conan's face turned rueful. "I know what makes you sad."

He stood silent for a moment. He could feel his throat tightening and his eyes stinging. "And what is?"

"You're tired of being in a child's body, for one" he stated, then frowned. "But there's something else, isn't it?"

"Well, that's part of it, at least." Conan turned away.

"You miss your old body. You miss your old self, that's for sure, but... tell me, Tantei."

They stood silent for a few more seconds. Should he tell him? Would he understand? What could he do about it? Nothing, certainly. So, what would be the point...?

But... What would he have to lose anyway? It wasn't as if they were really close.

"Kudo Shinichi doesn't exist anymore" he said, and he could see Kid flinching.

"What do you mean? You're still here" the thief said, letting some confusion seep through.

Conan shook his head. "Nobody remembers him. They only know Conan, the child-prodigy. Everybody forgot about Kudo Shinichi, the high-school detective."

Kid thought for a second, before saying, "but Mouri-chan..?"

"She's seeing someone else" he snapped defensively. "It's like I said, Shinichi has been forgotten." Conan turned and started to walk away. "There is no reason for Shinichi to get back."

The magician stared at the slowly retreating figure, a pang in his chest.

"I remember Kudo Shinichi" he said, watching as the kid slowed to a stop, "I remember the thrill he gave me when he took part of the clock tower heist. I remember how I got anxious knowing he could pop up at my heist. I remember... I remember the boy I met when I was five."

At that, Conan turned around. What...?

"I remember his strong will to become a detective. I remember his impressive deductive skills even though he was only a few weeks older than me. I remember..." his words trailed off, a pinkish color rising to his cheeks. "I remember how I... how I missed him after my dad died and we stopped seeing each other.

I remember how he had always been my childhood love, and... and I know I won't forget him. I never did."

The detective gaped at the thief. He knew.. He was supposed to know his civilian identity? And... "childhood love", what? Conan blinked, once, twice, trying to remember. What name had he given earlier? Kaito, Kuroba Kaito. Sure, this name rang a bell, but...

And suddenly his childhood memories flashed back. A boy around his age, almost a twin with how much they looked alike, with a great interest into magic, like his father had been... Kuroba, Toichi. He died during a show when they were seven. Their parents had stopped seeing each other after that, and he had slowly forgotten about... Kaito.

Conan's face soothed, his blue eyes opening wide and searching the other's face. Of course, indigo eyes, messy hair, his resemblance to Shinichi. How had he not noticed?

He took a step toward the teen. "K... Kaito..?" When the other smiled, he felt his eyes stinging again. "I... I'm sorry..." his heart clenched painfully in his chest.

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Shinichi." He crouched down, opening his arms. "Come here"

The boy accepted the hug, hiding his face in the other's chest, not minding the glasses that were painfully digging in his face.

Still buried in the teen's shirt, he muttered, "You will have to explain why you're stealing, though."

"Okay, okay"

He felt more than heard Kaito laugh, and he thought that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't as lonely as he had thought.