Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.
One hour of 'Fire Meet Gasoline' by Sia on repeat and one edit later and this was born. Just…kill me now. It also takes like 2000 words just to get from the first verse to the second in terms of this story's structure but meh.
Dean Winchester is not a man who easily falls in love. And even that's an understatement. He's only ever truly fallen for one person: a woman called Cassie Robinson. That love affair had been fiery and passionate and Dean had even loved her so much that he'd told her his biggest secret. The memory of her reaction to his 'outrageous story' still makes him wince if he's having a night of flashbacks and decides to dwell on all the times he'd fucked up (and admittedly, these nights happen more often than is probably healthy. But then again, it's not as if drinking himself into a stupor or hunting until he drops from blood loss is any healthier).
If he's truly being generous then he could include Lisa Braeden in that category of people he's fallen in love with. But Dean knows she doesn't belong there. Sure, she's very attractive and sweet and a wonderful person and he does love her…he just hadn't fallen for her like he'd fallen for Cassie. The love between them had been more of a 'close friends' bond but between Dean's desire to raise Ben and keep his promise to Sam after Michael and Lucifer had gone for a dive into Hell, and Lisa's desire for a father figure for Ben and a person of support for her when things got lonely, they'd managed to fool themselves into going along with this fantasy of a happy, apple pie family.
In the end, though, that's all it truly was: a fantasy.
So Dean had given up even trying after Lisa and Ben's memories were erased, content with the knowledge that he's a shitty human being who can never keep anyone he loves because all he does is get people hurt. It doesn't make him happy to think this but it makes him content. At least this is one thing about himself that remains constant. The amount he drinks each day might change, how badly he gets hurt on a hunt depends on the creature and what headspace he's in – heck, even his relationship with his brother's a wild fucking ride – but the one thing he can hold on to is that he's a shitty person who nobody can possibly love.
Until a certain angel turned all of that upside down.
"…thinking it's just a haunting," Sam's voice is saying, though Dean's not even listening. "It could've been a demon but there was no sulfur…"
As Sam blathers on, Dean tries to figure out just what the fuck's going on with himself. Cas had decided to join them for this hunt (and Dean definitely hadn't punched the air triumphantly when the angel had announced this. No, he's too good for that sort of childish display) and if being near Cas had made Dean feel warm inside for the past…fuck, he's lost count of just how long he's been feeling like this…well, that warmth's now a blazing fire.
And that isn't a good thing. Dean's experienced with this. Falling in love? It's fucking dangerous, and if he lets this go then it'll just blow up and burn him like he'd been burned with Cassie, and even Lisa. But the difference now is that Cas can't even compare to Cassie and Lisa. He knows about the supernatural, he's an active warrior against it – hell, he's even a supernatural being himself. So yeah, he can easily keep up with Dean.
And that's terrifying. Because if Dean can't reasonably leave him behind, how the hell is he supposed to justify not falling for Cas? With Cassie and Lisa, it had been easy (though incredibly painful) to stop thinking about them when he reasoned with himself that they wouldn't be able to survive in his life, so why waste time feeling this way? But Cas can survive in his life, so that point's moot. He's smart, so Dean doesn't have to worry about being stuck with some attractive yet stupid guy.
(And he wouldn't judge Dean for secretly being a massive fucking nerd, so that's a plus).
So between this evidence and more, the conclusion that Dean comes to is that he's a fucking masochist. He's in love with Cas, and he desperately wants that burn. Why he does this to himself, he doesn't know. But it also means that that one constant mantra – that he's a shitty person who doesn't deserve love, and shouldn't even fall in love because it's very dangerous – is now out the window. If Lisa had been a spark and Cassie had been a flame, Cas is a freaking inferno and Dean wants the angel to hurt him and burn him like never before.
Naturally, this means that Dean is currently going through a rather big identity crisis. If he can't even cling to that one thing, what of himself does he have to hold on to?
"Dean?"
Dean blinks and shakes his head.
"Wait, what?"
Sam regards him with a look of disgust.
"You never listen to me, do you?"
Dean forces a smile onto his face, which only makes Sam roll his eyes.
"I do listen to you, Sammy. Just that all I hear is 'blah, blah, blah'."
"Whatever." Sam stands up. "I'm going to get us something to eat and then we can plan out how we're gonna do this."
"Bring me some pie!" Dean calls after him. Sam turns and shot him Bitchface #85. So Dean's resorted to numbering Sam's bitchfaces. So what? The little shit has so many that he just had to.
"I'm not rewarding you for ignoring me, Dean. Get your own damn pie."
Dean's protests die when Sam closes the door behind him.
"Oh, come on!"
He punches the pillow next to him, Cas watching curiously.
"Why don't you go out and purchase your own pie instead of relying on Sam?" the angel asks, crossing over to sit down next to Dean and immediately triggering a wildfire deep inside Dean. Dean closes his eyes to collect himself. He can't let any sign of his fucking crush show, because there's no guarantee that Cas feels the same way towards him – and he isn't going to accidentally guilt the angel into going along with it or anything due to lack of knowledge and experience, because that's a shitty way to treat his best friend.
God, look at him being a pathetic teenage girl with a crush. He's never going to live this down.
"Because if Sam's already going out, he can save me a trip and get me some damn pie," Dean says, surprised at how harsh his voice is. "Makes sense."
Cas tilts his head in that cute way of his that has Dean grimacing mentally. Fuck. He's thinking of Cas as cute. This is so not good. He never thinks of anyone as cute (in this context, at least), so if Cas can do that to him…what else can he do? If Cas has already gotten past his defences, how badly can the angel burn him?
"Yes, I suppose it does."
They lapse into a comfortable silence – at least, a silence that looks comfortable on Cas' part. Dean, meanwhile, is trying to contain his burning insides while also wishing that Cas would just make a move and fan the flames, make them even hotter, make him burn. But why does he want this so much? Why does he want this pain?
"Are you okay, Dean?" Cas says suddenly. Dean jumps. "Your body seems to be reacting to my presence. Am I causing you pain in some way?"
Yes.
"N-No."
Cas squints at him.
"Are you sure? Your face is flushed and your heart is beating faster than normal. A large amount of it also appears to be flowing down to –"
"Don't even go there!" Dean snaps quickly. Cas recoils.
"My apologies, Dean. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."
Dean takes a deep breath and forces a confident smile, wondering why he can't stop being such a fucking shit person and friend that he takes out his inner bitching on Cas, who totally doesn't deserve that.
"Nah, it's cool. You didn't know. Freaking you out a bit there, wasn't I?"
"Yes, I was a little 'freaked out'." If thinking that Cas' head tilt is cute hasn't let him know that he's fucked, thinking that he's downright adorable with his air quotes definitely hammers that into Dean's brain.
"Sorry 'bout that."
"You don't need to apologise to me, Dean." Cas shifts almost nervously. "Actually…there is something I wished to talk to you about."
Dean eyes him suspiciously.
"This better not turn into a chick flick moment."
"What does young poultry have to do with –?"
"Dude, it's a figure of speech. Just hit me with whatever's bugging you."
The way Cas is frowning at him makes his insides ache. If only the angel would shift just a bit closer…but then if he does that, Dean doesn't know if he'll be able to control himself.
"I think something is happening to my vessel," Cas finally says. Dean immediately stiffens.
"What? Are you okay? You're not dying or anything, are you?"
"I don't think so. Rather, my body has just taken to uncontrollable reactions and I don't know why. All I know is that these reactions are very…human. I am unsure if this means that something is wrong with my grace, or if the fact that I choose to remain here on Earth rather than in Heaven is affecting me."
A small pit of dread begins to form in Dean's stomach at the thought of something happening to Cas just because he's down here. But he forces himself not to show this. Cas already seems worried enough without Dean adding to it.
"I – well, lay it on me and I'll see if I can't help you with my awesome advice." He winks at Cas, whose lips twitch as he looks down.
"I've found that as of late, I have been feeling quite warm despite my vessel's temperature not rising enough to explain this. I have also been feeling an odd sensation in my abdomen and…"
"And?" Dean prompts.
"I have also been experiencing a strange reaction in which my vessel's blood flow is directed down to –"
"Whoa, whoa! Stop right there!" Dean hastens to interrupt, not wanting to hear the details of what sounded clearly like an angel boner. "Dude, you've had a boner before. Remember watching that porn?"
"Yes. I know, Dean. What I don't understand is that when I felt this…'boner' that time, it seemed to be more as a reaction to the sexual acts being performed themselves, rather than the pizza man or the babysitter. But now…now I seem to be experiencing a 'boner' in response to one person in particular."
Dean swears that he's never felt his insides sink so fast. Great. Cas likes someone. It was bound to happen, and of course it isn't Dean. Why would it be? It's probably Meg – Cas had seemed to thoroughly enjoy his kiss with that demon bitch.
"Alright then, hit me. Who's the lucky chick? Meg?"
Cas gives him an odd look.
"I feel no romantic attachment to Meg. She kissed me, so I felt obliged to respond in kind. I do care about her a lot but not in the way you think."
Okay, that's kind of a relief. Even if Cas still wants to make out with someone, at least it isn't the demon bitch who's made their lives hell.
"And the person in question is not a 'chick'."
Dean blinks, taking a moment to process that.
"Okay. Well. So, uh…you bat for the same team, then?"
"What does baseball have to do with how I feel?"
Unable to help himself, Dean snorts and ruffles Cas' hair. He realises what he's done a moment later and jerks his hand away as if he's been burned – though with the fire that's currently scorching his insides, that's a rather apt description. It's in that moment that he realises just how fucked he is. If he's begun to do chick flick things with Cas, when even Cassie and Lisa hadn't been successful…well, he might as well put a bullet through his brain now because that'll hurt less than hearing who Cas wants to lock lips with.
When the hell had he turned into such a fucking drama queen? Maybe he's been hanging around Sam for too long and picked up on his girly theatrics.
"It's a saying, Cas. Don't worry about it. Just didn't know you were into guys, is all."
Now Cas gives him that look – the 'Dean, you're such an idiot but I like you anyway' look. Dean doesn't know whether to feel special or insulted, so he compromises and smirks at Cas.
"I'm not 'into guys' or 'into girls'. While it may be this person's body that seems to be evoking this reaction from me, I find myself largely drawn to his personality. I highly doubt that my body would be reacting this way if I did not like the person first."
Dean's never heard of that before – having to like a person before feeling the urge to bone them. But hey, Cas is an angel so he's bound to have a few wires crossed differently.
"Well, lay it on me. Who's the guy I gotta threaten?" When Cas gives him an odd look, he elaborates. "You're my best friend. So I gotta make sure that whoever you get it on with doesn't be a dick and break your heart, or whatever that chick flick crap is. Best friend code and all."
Cas suddenly seems to find his hands very interesting and if Dean isn't mistaken…is he blushing? Somehow, the fact that an angel of the Lord is blushing and tongue-tied makes Dean fall even harder for him. Maybe it's the fact that this further humanises Cas and while Dean doesn't care that Cas is an angel, the fact that he looks human is what helped him fall for the angel in the first place. Dean's just shallow enough that he probably wouldn't have fallen for Cas if the angel had been in his true form – a constant reminder that he isn't human – but not that shallow that he doesn't love Cas for his true form as well as his physical human appearance. He's that far gone when it comes to Cas that now if he was to see the angel's true form, he would probably think it just as beautiful as what he normally sees of Cas.
And now he's thinking of Cas as beautiful. Fucking hell. Because this definitely isn't going to bite him in the ass.
A horrible thought suddenly punches Dean in the stomach.
"Wait. It's not…you don't…"
Cas suddenly looks terrified, as though Dean's found out a little secret that he's desperately tried to keep to himself.
"Dean, I'm –"
"It isn't Sam that you like, is it? Because I know he might act like a chick but he definitely doesn't swing that way – at least, he hasn't told me he has. But if he does, good for him."
"Dean, that's not –"
"Actually, I can see it. You're both huge freaking nerds, so you won't get bored with each other. And I mean, it isn't like Sammy's gonna hurt you. I'm fine so long as I don't have to choose between you two because he's my brother and you're my best friend –"
He's rambling so that he doesn't have to hear Cas confirm his horrible conclusion and so it's a heart-stopping surprise when the angel lets out an annoyed sound, grabs Dean's face and yanks him forward. When their lips meet, Dean freezes. He's kissed so many people before but this…this is like inviting that fire inside of him into a massive forest, where the kiss is the wood and the oxygen, fanning the flames until Dean can't even breathe properly.
"I – I apologise," Cas pants when he pulls away. "I know that you are attracted to women, Dean."
But Dean likes Cas as well.
"Y-Yeah."
"I know that you can't possibly feel that way towards me, when you have told me clearly that I am your best friend."
But Cas is more…way more!
"Uh huh."
"But this is how I feel. When I am around you, I want to kiss you. I want to touch you. I want to do so much to you, Dean, so much to ensure that I can make you feel as good and pleasured as possible. And I can see now that my vessel isn't damaged, but rather is physically responding to these desires."
Cas stands up. Dean's stomach plummets. Is the angel leaving? Does he regret kissing Dean, even though he's saying that he's wanted to do that?
"I'm so sorry, Dean. I should never have forced you into that position. But I'd like to thank you…at least now I understand that my body's reactions are normal and not as a result of my grace failing. I'll leave you alone now –"
But before Cas can fly off, Dean's hand shoots out and latches onto the sleeve of his trench coat. Cas stares at him with both puzzlement and wide-eyed fear and Dean marvels at the fact that he can make an angel scared without even trying. Cas has faced down demons, vampires, other monsters, his fellow angels, even Lucifer – and yet it's Dean who's putting that look of terror on his face.
The fact that Cas just might like him as much as he likes Cas ignites a small spark of hope inside Dean.
"I – don't go," Dean croaks. Cas continues to stare at him with that confused, fearful look.
"I don't understand."
"Just – sit." Dean's tongue darts out to lick his dry lips and his stomach swoops when Cas' eyes immediately track this movement. "Please."
Cas sits down, though it's obvious that he's trying to maintain distance from Dean because he makes a clearly conscious effort to stay out of Dean's personal space. This fact makes Dean want to wilt. The angel invading his personal space might've been annoying at first but now it's adorably endearing and Dean hadn't realised just how much he'd grown to like and expect it until now.
"No. Cas, just – c'mon. Come closer. I'm not gonna bite."
Cas shifts just a bit closer. Sighing in frustration, Dean reaches out to grab Cas and he physically manhandles the angel until Cas is pressed to his side, with hardly enough room between them to fit a fly.
"Dean?" Cas is staring at him in bewilderment. "What are you doing?"
Dean takes a deep breath, trying to sort out his messed-up thoughts enough to form a coherent speech. Even though he secretly enjoys chick flick moments (though he'll never admit this to anybody), he doesn't want this one to drag on for any longer than it has to.
"Just tell me one thing, Cas," he says hoarsely. "Are you telling the truth and not just fucking with me? Am I really the one giving you a boner and making you feel this way?"
Cas looks like he wants to flee again, so Dean makes sure to keep his arm around the angel tightly, keeping him rooted in place. Now unable to physically avoid Dean, Cas settles for looking away and Dean recognises this evasion tactic for what it is.
"C'mon, Cas. For once, just be straight with me. No keeping anything from me, no trying to fly away when you can't take it. Just freaking talk to me, alright?"
"Yes, because you are so quick to 'talk about your feelings'," Cas mutters. Dean can't help but be proud at Cas' sass, which he has to have picked up from Dean and his brother. But he doesn't show this. He doesn't want to encourage Cas to close off from him and hide his feelings like the fucked-up hunter does, because Dean is probably the worst role model out there. Hell, Cas has already picked up his disrespect of authority figures and his contempt of being told what to do just because 'you have to'.
"That's not the point, Cas. Just fucking talk to me, okay?"
"What is there to talk about?" Cas gives a flippant shrug which both infuriates Dean and makes him want to laugh at just how…human the angel has become. "I've already told you. I love you and your presence makes my body react in what I can see now is sexual arousal. If I attempted to tell you just how deep my love for you is – and it is truly deep, Dean, it has grown from that mere spark I felt for you in the Pit to what it is now – I would fail miserably and make you very embarrassed. I know that you are not one for declarations of love."
Dean lets out a shaky breath. All this time…and Cas had never let even a single hint of his feelings slip. Honestly, Dean's impressed. He might have to concede the title of 'best at covering up feelings like some macho statue' to Cas. Unable to help himself, he bursts out laughing and makes Cas jump and stare at him in alarm.
"Dean? Are you mad at me? Have I said something wrong?"
Dean shakes his head, wiping his eyes. Now the fire inside him is close to consuming him and he knows that he has to tell Cas – Cas has struck that match of no return.
"'S just hilarious," Dean snickers as his laughs finally begin to die down. "Dammit, Cas, we're a perfect match for each other. We're both emotionally constipated assholes."
Cas tilts his head, frowning.
"I don't understand."
"If I'd known…dammit, Cas, if I'd known you felt that way, maybe I'd've said something sooner!"
Cas' face is hilarious to watch as it cycles from wide-eyed shock, to bright hope and then to playful accusation.
"Well, Dean," he growls, though with no heat in his words, "if you had told me – if I had known you felt that way earlier – then we would not be having this conversation."
Dean marvels at the change in Cas. Now faced with the lack of possibility of rejection, all of the stiffness in the angel's body has melted and he easily leans into Dean's side as though he belongs there – which Dean supposes that he does. Dean's still terrified of this point of no return, in which he won't be able to just say, "Kidding! We're not doing this, Cas, because I'm fucked up and can't fall for you and get burned again! And you can't love me because I'm a shitty person who doesn't deserve it!" but he knows he's can't take it back even if he tried. The simmering hope, that maybe there's someone just as screwed up as him who actually wants him, is there and he knows that he can't go back now. Nor does he really want to. For once, he's going to be selfish and throw himself under this bus rather than trying to make sure that nobody, himself included, ends up there. And if Cas follows, well, he knows the angel can take care of himself. That more than anything is the only reason Dean's even going through with this.
"I'm starting to think we were made for each other," Dean jokes. "C'mon, Cas. You can get a little closer, y'know."
He winks at Cas, whose confused face suddenly returns.
"Dean, I can't physically move any closer to you. Not unless I was to possess you, in which case I would be inside – oh."
Dean smirks at the look of dawning realisation on Cas' face as the angel correctly interprets the hint.
"Only if you're ready, of course," Dean says quickly. "I'm not gonna force you into anything you don't want."
"But I do want it," Cas says, puzzled.
"Doesn't mean you're ready for it. Sex is a kinda big deal, Cas."
"Why? Anybody can have sex. How is that considered intimate? But many people don't take the time to talk to each other, to get to know each other, to engage in non-sexual activities together and grow closer."
Dean blinks. He knows that Cas is right. It's the exact reason why he's stuck to just a quick fuck before leaving his latest woman behind – he doesn't have to get emotionally involved but for a brief moment, he can feel that closeness that he craves.
"I know that, Cas. But there's more to it than just deciding to sleep together. You gotta like each other first. Don't get me wrong, hate sex is awesome, but it doesn't work if there's not even chemistry."
"I don't understand."
Dean tilts Cas' head up, eyes locked on the angel's plump, soft-looking lips.
"Then lemme show you?"
Unlike their previous kiss, this one is gentle and careful – at least, that's how it starts. Dean's brain nearly short circuits from the physical sensations alone – but then once he begins to take in the raw love that Cas is pouring into the kiss, he doesn't know if his brain will ever function again. He's never felt this loved before – barring kid Sam, because feeling this way towards his brother is just wrong and disgusting and this is a totally different kind of love – and, already hooked, he can't help but lean forward, as though trying to climb inside Cas and dig out every little bit of this love that he can.
"I don't think I quite see it yet," Cas breathes when they finally separate. His lips are swollen and red, his cheeks are flushed, his dark hair is an absolute mess and his pupils are very dilated, almost swallowing up that bright blue that's been Dean's favourite colour for a while now.
"Well, I'm just gonna have to show you," Dean forces out, his fists clenched in Cas' trench coat.
It's almost a mad rush to see who can discard their clothes first, though the race is made more interesting by the fact that they're undressing each other. Dean is well-skilled with this, having undressed a fair number of people before, but Cas makes up for his lack of expertise with enthusiasm.
"Easy there, angel," Dean grins when Cas actually tears the T-shirt off, though he can't deny that this is a major freaking turn-on. The look that Cas shoots him sends jolts straight to his already hard dick.
"I want to see you undressed as soon as possible," Cas growls, and Dean can't help but thank God that Cas' voice is just crafted for sex.
"I think I'd like that a lot," Dean says in a strangled voice.
Dean hadn't thought that this could get any better, but he's proven wrong as soon as they're naked and tumbling onto the freshly made bed, wrestling for dominance over the other. Just when Dean finally thinks he's got the upper hand, straddling Cas' hips, Cas makes good use of his supernatural strength and rolls them over.
"I am an angel of the Lord," Cas snarls, shoving Dean into the mattress. Dean's even harder at this, if such a thing is possible, and having this beautiful creature manhandling him like this is possibly the hottest thing he's ever experienced in his life. Who knew he had a sub kink?
"Yeah? Why should I care, pretty boy angel?" Dean gasps, parroting that Japanese game show host that Gabriel had conjured. Man, that feels so long ago. "You know I don't give a fuck about dicks with wings."
Cas growls at that – actually growls – and he grinds his hips down into Dean's, though he clearly isn't expecting it to feel so freaking good if his startled gasp is any indication. Dean takes advantage of this momentary lapse in the angel's concentration to roll them back over, settling himself firmly on top of Cas and smirking down at him.
"I'm gonna make you feel so good, angel," he murmurs as he bends down to press their lips together. The kiss is sweet for a moment, before Cas makes a funny sound and wraps his legs around Dean's waist. The next moment, Dean finds himself on his back yet again and a burst of heat surges through him. God, how can it be such a turn-on to be pushed around like this?
"Yes, you are," Cas hisses in his ear. "But I'm going to be the one inside you. I'm going to remind you that I am an angel and you should properly respect me."
Before Dean can say anything, Cas is kissing him again – only this time, it's hot and rough and messy as their open mouths pant and their tongues battle for control. Dean feels like he's on fire, flames licking every cell in his body, and he can't breathe and he's burning alive but it's the best feeling in the whole world. He wants this. He wants to burn, and Cas is all he needs to make him feel this way. And he wants Cas to burn with him, but only if the angel is absolutely sure.
"Cas," he forces out when Cas backs off to let him breathe. "I just – you sure?"
The look Cas gives him nearly makes him come then and there.
"If I was not sure, would I be in this position with you?" Cas says and yeah, there's that angel of the Lord that Dean knows and loves.
Loves. Ah, fuck.
They don't get to the actual sex for a while. Cas is determined to 'properly worship' every part of Dean's 'beautiful body' and though Dean complains about Cas calling him beautiful, he can't really protest when Cas is licking and kissing and nipping his way down Dean's chest, leaving a blossoming trail of bruises in his wake. Dean, meanwhile, squirms underneath Cas, almost unable to cope with the searing heat coursing through him and leaving him breathless and totally helpless to his angel. It's like he's covered in gasoline and Cas' mouth is a match, igniting Dean's skin wherever he leaves kisses and hickeys. Dean's on fire, he's flying high like smoke and burning alive, and he wouldn't trade this feeling for anything.
If Dean thought that Cas suckling on his nipples, taking them into his mouth and scraping his teeth over them was coma inducing, that's nothing compared to when he finally gets to Dean's aching, leaking, rock hard cock. The minuscule part of Dean's brain that's still functioning can't help but think, as Cas begins to press little kisses and kitten licks to the weeping head of his cock, that this is probably the biggest sin he's ever committed in his life. Forget stealing, lying and hurting people – he's corrupted an angel, tempted this celestial being into giving in to human lust and desire, and now he fully understands just why people push the boundaries so much. It's exhilarating to know that he's doing something so dirty and that the pure, beautiful creature above him is not only letting him but willingly throwing himself in. It's like they're both Eve, both of them eagerly taking a bite of that forbidden fruit, and Dean doesn't know about Cas but he feels absolutely no regret.
"Jesus Christ!" he yelps when Cas swallows his dick down, deep throating until the tip of it hits the back of the angel's throat. Dean nearly loses his fucking mind just from the sight of Cas, who looks deviously innocent with those sparkling blue eyes and his hair literally going everywhere and his pretty pink lips wrapped around Dean's dick in a little smile.
Cas pulls off Dean's dick just long enough to say, "Dean, there's no need for blasphemy," before returning to his task – only this time, he swallows around Dean's dick and Dean's head whips from side to side as he thinks that he might actually lose his mind. He's got no objections to that, though – not if it means he can have this for the rest of his life.
"You're killin' me…" Dean whispers brokenly, his hips bucking up and fucking into Cas' mouth. He whimpers when Cas pulls off again and he should probably feel humiliated when Cas pats him on the chest and murmurs reassurances, but he's not. Instead, he just wonders what in the world he did to deserve such an amazing angel and when Cas softly asks him where 'the sexual lubricant' is, he feels proud when he manages to answer, "My duffle," without his voice breaking.
"I know how this is done but I've never done this before, Dean," Cas says as he crawls back onto the bed and settles himself on top of Dean. His voice is suddenly soft and shy, his lack of experience clearly affecting him, and Dean ignores the small voice in his head that's telling Cas to just get on with it to instead lean up and draw Cas in for a sweet kiss.
"So you're a virgin," he says. "Big deal. I had no clue what I was doing either when I first did it. You'll figure it out easy."
Cas still looks unsure, so Dean pulls him down for another reassuring kiss.
"Hey, this is my first time with a dick up my ass. I got about as much clue as you do."
Cas huffs out a laugh at that. The sight of the angel coating his fingers in lube sends a thrill through Dean and it seems like forever before Cas is finally, carefully, inserting a finger inside Dean. Dean exhales sharply at the odd sensation, which is just painful enough to heighten the pleasure beginning to bubble in his stomach.
"You'd better hurry," he forces out, his hips jerking down onto Cas' finger of their own accord. "Not gonna last."
Cas dutifully obeys, being as quick as possible to get two more fingers inside Dean and stretch him open. His fingers brush over something and then –
"Son of a bitch!" Dean cries, his hips thrashing wildly. He doesn't know what Cas did but white hot pleasure is sparking through him like lightning, like nothing he's ever felt before, and that tiny part of his brain still online whispers that this must be his prostate. He's heard of it before, from men who couldn't seem to take the hint that Dean was not into dick (at the time, that is) – this overwhelmingly pleasurable bundle of nerves that supposedly made you lose your mind. He hadn't believed it at the time but now…now he's regretting that he's never even tried fingering himself before if this is what it feels like.
"Dean?" an alarmed Cas is saying. "Did I hurt you?"
Dean takes a moment to compose himself – well, as well as one can compose themselves during sex.
"N-No," he says shakily. "Think you found my prostate."
Cas' face clears up with a smile.
"Ah. I've seen how men react when that is stimulated. I'd hoped to find yours to see if you would find it just as pleasurable."
"You fuckin' peeping Tom," Dean teases, hissing as Cas withdraws his fingers. Cas just smiles and coats his dick in lube.
"Are you ready, Dean?"
As Cas lines himself up and then begins to press in, Dean has a brief moment of panic. What if this hurts? Cas' dick is thicker than three fingers and if three fingers gave him a nice burn, would a penis actually hurt?
"Dean? Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?"
Dean hasn't realised that he's holding his breath until Cas stops pushing in, the head of his dick just past the rim of Dean's hole.
"'M fine," Dean mutters.
"Dean, talk to me. If you really want me to stop, I will."
"Don't you wanna 'be inside me' or whatever?"
Cas reaches down and caresses Dean's cheek tenderly. Dean closes his eyes and leans into the touch, ignoring his stinging eyes because Dean Winchester does not cry during sex! But it's hard not to let the tears out when Cas is being so gentle and loving to him. He can't remember the last time he was ever loved like this – though it's not for lack of trying on Sam's part. Dean just refuses to show any sign of weakness in front of his brother. For some reason, Sam's always looked up to him and he'd never do anything to make himself look like anything less than the strong, independent older brother.
"Not at your expense," the angel says firmly. Dean realises that Cas has somehow gotten past his defences, smashed all of his walls to bits, and he let him – he let his angel just waltz right on in. Maybe it was inevitable; they'd always shared a more profound bond, so Dean can't really be surprised that Cas has managed to worm his way in and settle right there. That settles it; he's going to suck it up and do this for Cas. He's probably just being a total drama queen anyway – if other guys could do it and enjoy it then it couldn't be all that bad.
"'S okay," Dean insists. "Go for it, Cas."
Cas still looks dubious, so Dean rocks his hips back and gasps when Cas slips in a little deeper. The angel closes his eyes, visibly affected, before nodding.
"Tell me if I hurt you or if you want to stop," he orders. Dean doesn't answer, overwhelmed by the unbelievable feeling of being so full of Cas as the angel bottoms out. "Dean!"
All Dean can do is nod, his mouth hanging open and his whole body aflame and quivering. There's an undercurrent of pain but it's not agonising like he'd thought; rather, it's noticeable enough to enhance the pleasure permeating every bit of his body but not so strong that it's all he can focus on.
"Cas," Dean says in a hoarse whisper. "You – you gotta fuckin' move."
He bucks his hips up again. Cas' eyes fly shut, his face working as he clearly tries to contain himself, and then he opens his eyes (which makes Dean want to cheer, because that bright blue is seriously doing things to him), tugs Dean's legs around his waist and begins to thrust.
After that, everything passes in a haze for Dean. All he's aware of is the feeling of Cas sliding in and out of him, hitting his sweet spot with almost every thrust and reducing him to a moaning, gurgling sack of flesh. For the most part, he's able to match Cas' thrusts with his own hips but there are moments where the pleasure is just too freaking much and Dean can't do anything but lie there and take it, wondering why the hell he hasn't done this with Cas before. Forget Cassie, forget Lisa, forget everybody else – Dean hasn't ever felt this high in his entire life.
"Cas – God, Cas – I can't – please –more –" he babbles, digging his fingers into the hard, muscled planes of Cas' back, his fingernails dragging down the skin and leaving vivid red marks. Cas grunts in response and begins to thrust even harder, pounding into Dean so hard that the slapping sound of skin against skin is clearly audible in the motel room among their animalistic groaning and grunting and panting.
"Dean," Cas gasps. "Dean – oh my G –"
He breaks off abruptly, leaning down to sink his teeth into the crook of Dean's neck. This sharp pain, plus the knowledge that he's reducing an angel to near blasphemy, drives Dean even crazier and he clings to Cas even tighter, biting his lip so hard that he can taste the coppery tang of blood as his lip breaks. He can't even talk now; he's been reduced to small moans and whines and whimpers, caught in that conundrum of being so overwhelmed that he wants it to be over already yet not ever wanting it to end, feeling nowhere enough pleasure to even begin to satiate him.
He just wants everything so much. Cas fucking into him uninhibited is everything he's wanted for so long but it's just not enough. He's not even sure he can get what he really wants; total intimacy with Cas. This is pretty damn close – after all, it's hard to be any closer to someone than sticking your dick inside them – but there's something missing. Dean's not sure what it is but he refuses to let himself care about it at the moment – not when Cas is pounding into him and his whole body is hotter than the Sun.
"Cas," he whines as his balls begin to tighten. "I'm gonna –"
Cas considerately decides to help him on his way. The angel's slender fingers wrap around Dean's cock and it only takes one, two, three pumps for Dean to finally come. His vision explodes in white, his body jerks and seizes up, his back arches, white hot fire licks through his veins from his belly and Dean lets out a primal cry and clings to Cas with his arms and legs as tightly as he possibly can. He's utterly exhausted when he's finally spent, his limbs falling to the bed like heavy lumps of concrete and his whole body melting into the sheets like jelly.
But Cas isn't done yet. The overstimulation as Cas' cock drives into his prostate is almost painful but Dean's never denied a partner an orgasm before and he's too exhausted to even think of actively helping Cas along, so he just lies there pliantly and let Cas rut into him like a wild animal. The angel is panting and groaning, clearly close, and Dean lets out a tired little whimper when Cas moves away from his neck and begins to nip and suck a dark bruise into his collar. Finally, Cas stiffens above him, his mouth clamping down on Dean's skin so hard that it breaks, and Dean twitches upon feeling the angel's warm come fill him. It's kind of gross, when Cas slips out of Dean as he collapses forward onto Dean's chest in a boneless heap, to feel the angel's come start to leak out of his ass but Dean's honestly too fucked out to really care as much as he should.
"Jesus fucking Christ," he finally manages to force out. Cas stirs, Dean's come between them being smeared even more with this moment, and Dean's almost disappointed when Cas slides off him. This is quickly alleviated by Cas snuggling up to him, throwing an arm over Dean's messy, sticky chest, and tangling their legs together.
"I see now why humans are so eager to fornicate with each other," Cas says breathlessly, nuzzling into the crook of Dean's neck. Dean shivers when the angel presses small kisses to the sweaty skin there before starting to suck on it.
"No – Cas – gotta clean up," Dean protests, trying to push Cas away before they can get too comfortable. Much as he wants to just lie there and cuddle Cas (cuddle. What the fuck has Cas done to him?), he knows that they'll regret not cleaning up when the come on their chests and in Dean's ass begins to dry; he knows from experience that dried come is one of the most horrible feelings out there.
"But I'm happy here," Cas says petulantly, clinging to Dean like an octopus.
"Just gimme a minute to clean us up, angel. Trust me, you won't like –"
His protests die in his throat when Cas lazily waves a hand and the drying fluid vanishes. Dean clenches his ass, making sure that every last sticky drop is gone, and then lets out a surprised laugh and wraps his arms around Cas.
"You've been holding out on me," he says. Cas chuckles, his breath tickling Dean's neck and making him shiver again.
"My apologies, Dean. Next time, I'll tell you in great detail all about how my grace can be used to clean up after intercourse."
The barb isn't that great but that's understandable; Cas looks utterly exhausted, though very pleased with himself.
"So?" Dean says. "You see why sex is such a big deal?"
Cas nods, frowning in thought.
"Yes. It's easy for two people to engage in intercourse together. But I enjoyed giving you as much pleasure as I could, and I suppose that is the 'specialness' of sex."
"Got it in one." Dean kisses Cas on the top of his head, the angel's sweaty dark hair tickling his nose, and he can't help but run his fingers through it marvelling at how soft it is. Purring contentedly, Cas reaches down to pull the blanket up over them and then he rests his head on Dean's shoulder, staring up at Dean with such an adoring, reverent, loving look that Dean's stomach lurches. The roaring fire inside him has quietened after sleeping with Cas, dying down to smouldering ash and smoke, but Dean's certain that Cas is going to be his certain death. If he'd found this first time with Cas overwhelming, he doesn't even want to begin to think about future sex with Cas, when the angel is more experienced. But he's died many times before and he knows that dying from sex with Cas is far from the worst way to go.
"But there was something missing," Cas says hesitantly. "I enjoyed the physical sensations very much, and I certainly felt very emotionally connected to you, but…"
"I get it," Dean interrupts. And he does; the sex had been amazing but just lying here with Cas in his arms, stroking the angel's soft, damp hair…this is far more intimate, he thinks. He's never had this with any of his one night stands – cuddling means emotions, and emotions are a big no when it comes to fucking and getting out – and it hadn't been anywhere near as potent as this when he'd cuddled Cassie and Lisa after sex. Cas is just…different. He's special. And Dean never wants to lose this, because he doesn't know what he would do if he lost Cas.
"This is what I consider intimate," Cas says with a pleased hum. "Lying in your arms. Kissing you. Learning as much as I possibly can about you." He leans up to press a sweet kiss to Dean's lips and yep, that's it; Dean is hooked and he knows he's lost to Cas. "Anybody can have sexual intercourse. But I've noticed that humans are taking less and less time to truly get to know each other in their pursuit of physical pleasure. It's almost as though emotional attachments are not as significant."
Dean snorts.
"Why the hell d'you think I slept with that many women?" he says. "Sure, it felt good, but I wanted something more. And then I thought I found it but Cassie wasn't cut out for this life and neither was Lisa. And it wasn't even Lisa that I really wanted. I – I was usin' her and Ben to feel…normal." He laughs darkly. "Who was I kidding? We all know I can't do normal. I kept picking Sam and hunting over her and she knew I always would."
He hates how Cas' mouth droops and how the angel holds on to him even tighter – whether staking his claim or trying to comfort him, he doesn't know. All he knows is that he never wants to see that sad look on Cas' face again, because Cas doesn't deserve that. He's given so much and he deserves to be happy, to always have a smile on his face, to get whatever he wants – because one thing Dean admires about Cas is that the angel doesn't want for much.
"Hey," Dean says. "Quit it with that pouty face. I wanna see a smile. Got it?"
Cas frowns at him for a moment but then his lips twitch and a small smile spreads across his face. The sight fills Dean with hot, tingly butterflies.
"There we go." He leans down and captures Cas' lips, but doesn't pull away after a moment like before. Instead, he hauls Cas on top of him (it should be worrying, how much he enjoys having another man on top of him, but he's too tired for another identity crisis, so he's just going to accept this sub kink and move right on) and curls a hand around the back of Cas' neck so that he can deepen the kiss. Cas enthusiastically kisses back and though they don't engage in another heated make out session, their kisses are far from chaste.
"I love you, Dean," Cas says breathlessly when he withdraws so that Dean can gulp in air. "I love you so, so much."
He begins to pepper Dean's face with giddy kisses, leaving Dean struggling to draw in breath – and not just from the kisses. There it is. The 'L-word'. Part of him wants to say it back – because it's true, he loves Cas with every fibre of his being – but another part of him can't bring himself to say it. He's only ever said it to his mom and brother before, and that had gone up in flames just like Mary Winchester had all those years ago. He's never been able to say it to anybody else, which he knows is a big part of his problems with Cassie and Lisa – even if they'd reassured him that they didn't mind and that they understood. But they hadn't truly understood because they hadn't lost anybody; they hadn't grown up like Dean had, trying desperately to win his absent father's approval.
But Cas…he knows Cas fully understands, because the angel has lived this life. He's grown up with a bunch of winged dicks who would rather stab him in the back than profess their love for him, and he's spent his life believing in his absent father and wanting God's approval. And while their lives aren't exactly the same, he knows that Cas will totally understand why Dean can't say it, and he won't feel inadequate for it like Dean knows Cassie and Lisa must have.
Which is why he opens his mouth and somehow manages to croak out, "I – dammit – I love you too."
He stiffens in shock. Cas must sense what a big moment this is because, instead of drawing attention to it and making a big deal, he smiled widely and kisses Dean on the nose.
"I'm glad. Engaging in sexual intercourse and then this intimacy afterwards would have been rather awkward otherwise."
Dean laughs and wraps his arms around Cas' waist, resting his hands on the small of Cas' back. He can feel his dick beginning to stir but for once, sex isn't what he wants when in contact with a hot, naked body. What he wants is for Cas to stay on top of him, showering him with kisses as they talk about anything but their shit lives – he's not fussy otherwise.
"See, I always get what I want," Dean says with a wink. "I wanted you, so I got you."
Cas buries his face in Dean's chest to hide his laughter, though his shaking shoulders betray him. Dean grins widely and begins to stroke Cas' back, his fingers tracing patterns that make the flesh beneath him shiver and erupt in goosebumps.
"What do we do now, Cas?" Dean continues. "Are you gonna fuck off back to Heaven? 'Cause if you are…I don't think we should do this."
Cas frowns down at him.
"Why not?"
Dean looks away, scowling, not wanting to see the inevitable annoyance or anger in Cas' eyes.
"Because every time I think you're gonna stay, you leave," he mumbles. "And then shit hits the fan. I'm not askin' you to choose between me or Heaven, 'cause Heaven's your home – even if they're all a bunch of dicks who don't deserve you – but you keep running back to them and letting them fuck you up the ass."
Cas is still frowning at him. Dean's beginning to think that he's making a mistake.
"I – look, I'm not being a whiny bitch and trying to make you stay," he says lamely. "I just wanna know if you're gonna come back or not. 'Cause I think you are and then you up and disappear –"
He's cut off by a swift kiss. When Cas pulls back, Dean wants to look away again just to get away from the raw love in those blue eyes that he's nowhere near deserving of, but Cas seems to sense this and he quickly cups Dean's face.
"Stop," the angel says firmly. "I will always come back to you, Dean." He closes his eyes for a moment and the pain in them when he opens them makes Dean's stomach lurch. "Much as I love Heaven, I don't think it's quite home anymore. The angels have made their opinion of me very clear. I'm not sure why they have not barred me entry yet but quite frankly, it's a miracle that they haven't."
"Fuck," Dean whispers. "Cas, I'm –"
"Don't apologise. You may have shown me free will but I'm the one who chose to follow it. I made my mistakes and I must accept the consequences of my actions. And besides, it was all worth it." He kisses Dean again. "It will always be worth it where you are concerned. I did it – all of it – for you, Dean. Remember?"
"But…" Dean's struggling with this revelation that Cas is choosing him over all of his brothers and sisters – over his home. "Why? I'm one fucked up person, Cas. Why would you give up your home and your siblings?"
"You are not fucked up. You simply carry heavy baggage – as do I. I was lost the moment I laid a hand on you in Hell, Dean. Your soul is the brightest thing I have ever seen. It shone in the darkness of the Pit, lighting my way, and even then you resisted me. You believed yourself unworthy of being saved and tried to convince me that there were others more deserving."
He captures Dean's lips in a gentle kiss. Dean's embarrassingly close to tears, because how can anybody love him this much, let alone an angel? What the hell has he done to deserve the love of such a beautiful being?
"You've done so much for me, Dean. You showed me how to make my own decisions. You were loyal to me even when I didn't deserve it. You forgave me for my unforgivable actions. Why shouldn't I love you?"
"Because I'm broken," Dean whispers, his tears finally spilling. He wipes them away angrily, embarrassed that he's sobbing like a baby in front of an angel, but his breath hitches when Cas delicately brushes the tears away with his thumbs and then kisses Dean's cheeks.
"You're just as broken as me," Cas says in a quiet yet firm voice. "But maybe we can begin to put each other back together. We're a perfect match, Dean. We understand each other like nobody else. If you're broken then so am I."
The kiss he gives Dean is deep, though their lips barely move; it's more of a resting their mouths together than actual kissing. Dean hugs him even tighter, praying to every deity out there that he's not going to wake up and find that this is all a dream and Cas is going to fuck off again. He's finally allowed his walls to come crashing down, to let Cas in past his innermost defences, to fall in love again; and if this bites him in the ass, Dean isn't sure he'll ever recover. It's not just being in love with Cas; it's loving him, loving this beautiful creature in his arms with every little strand of his being, and how do you recover from losing someone this close to you?
"Okay," he murmurs. "Okay. Let's give it a go. Just…don't leave, Cas. Don't leave me. I can't – you can't do that to me."
He can barely breathe as Cas begins to shower him with loving kisses, tenderly brushing back strands of hair from his forehead. All he can think is that if he's going to go down in flames, at least he's burning with the one person who can stand the heat.