I could tell…
My headaches grew worse and worse. I couldn't feel my lips anymore. The lightness in my head, face? I don't know, it felt numb. That's right, how can someone explain to the doctor what feeling pain and numb at the same time was like? Once in a while I hear visitors, just voices asking my mother things like if I talk to her or if I even cry anymore. What the doctors said. Sometimes when I wake up even I ask myself if I do want to cry.
I guess we cry when we know there's something we can do about it …like we can ask someone for help. So how can I cry? When I have none of that?
I was awake one morning when a woman came in.
I didn't have the strength to look at her, so I just looked out the window at the distant green meadows that never seemed to end. The winds gracefully blowing past the trees and their leaves and the flowers that bloomed during the summer. I don't even know if all of this was real, maybe it was me beginning to see the next place I was meant to go. The place where all this suffering would end. A place that was calling me to it. Asking me to stop hurting. But I knew. This wasn't that place. Because, I know what would stop my suffering, I know what would be the cure for this pain. But I'm never getting it. Ever, in this lifetime.
I heard her open a small note, perhaps and scribbling something.
'Sakura? Are you awake? I'm the student that Skikamaru-san introduced you to a few days ago? You were tired so I didn't want to bother you last time.'
She walked up in front of me and sat down, slightly leaning over to make sure I was able to hear her as she spoke softly.
'I'm here as an intern at the hospital, and I have this paper to ….' I lost track of what said after that, her voice just kept humming and muffling in my mind.
'naruto…'
My eyes flew open. I saw the intern's face clearly now. She looked confused and sort of hesitated before she continued.
'I heard you say that name…. I kinda walked in while you were asleep earlier. Sorry'
My face showed shock probably, as she seemed to be glad there was some kind of reaction. She looked at me a little excitedly but tried her best to calm herself.
'So you know Naruto? Was he… was he your?' she looked around uncomfortably and scratched her head wondering how she could ask me something so personal maybe.
Finally she looked at me, 'Who was he to you?' I breathed harder. That question. Always that same question. All the times I had ignored it, all the chances I had to say it, always hurting. Seeing those blue eyes turn away in pain and I thought it was ok. Because this was someone who loved me more than anyone. And it was ok to be cruel to just that one person.
Never… Never again.
The door flew open, I could hear someone walk in shouting at the girl for disturbing me.
Never again…
I heard a man threatening to call security and have her debarred from the hospital. The girl pleaded that she was sorry and that she didn't mean to harm anyone, as she was being pushed out. They pulled out her book and threw it to the side.
I knew he was never coming back. I knew it was over. It was over. I ended it. I… let it…
Never again…
She looked at me as she was pushed forcefully.
'Look! Look!' she pointed at me, the people around her looked and they saw.
A girl who had slowly lost her ability to walk, move, talk and even respond at times, was crying. Crying her heart out. She was on her feet supporting herself, crying.
They let the girl go and she came held me as I stumbled. I looked up and I didn't see her. I was looking back at a memory. I was looking into deep blue eyes … and I felt happy. And felt myself smiling, at the tragedy that I had let my life become. There was no going back, but this was the least I could do.
'Who was he to you Sakura'
'What am I to you Sakura?'
'He… was.. my world.' I smiled again.
Never again… Naruto.