Disclaimer. I do not own GG or its characters, only this story.

I feel like I am floating
In fear and loathing

Blair Waldorf's feeling blue.

She eats. She sleeps. She breathes but it's not the same.

Something's missing and she doesn't know how to make it better. She doesn't how to make herself whole again so she inhales what she can and exhales all that she cannot. Everything she consumes always comes pouring out.

.

Nate Archibald was the first. First kiss. First love. First everything. He was beautiful, blond, blue eyes and bright. He makes her feel light, like he could be the one to fix her up, as if he's the prince charming from fairy tales that rescued the princess before they all live happily ever after.

She thought but she was wrong.

(She purges and purges but nothing comes out; a part of her is still gone)

.

Chuck was an accident, a mistake that went on for the majority of her high school and some college years. He's her 'all consuming epic love", the functional within the dysfunctional, the game, the manipulation, the pain and it's always the same.

He fires, she catches, and together they both burn.

(Because Nate always gave too little and Chuck always took too much)

.

Dan Humphrey is the one.

(maybe)

He gives her his heart, his soul and his words. He tells her that she's beautiful even when she thinks she's ugly, despicable and unlovable. He shows her how to be brave when she feels like running away. He gives her support when she falls and can't seem to pick herself up. He finds her wounds and patches her up. He tries so much and gives so much and in the end, she sucks him dry.

No more words.

No more strength.

Just no more.

So she does what he can't and ends it. She tells him that she doesn't love him anymore and that it's Chuck; and that it's always been Chuck and they can try but they can't fight destiny, fate or whatever else bullshit she thinks he'll believe.

(It was never about Humphrey, Bass or Archibald but she doesn't know it)

.

She runs back to Chuck because it's inevitable; but when he touches her, she feels a chill creeping up her spine from the coldness of his skin. It doesn't feel right when they kiss, fuck or do anything; but she ignores and ignores because it's BlairandChuck and ChuckandBlair.

Who else could love her after what she has done?

(She traded a boy who painted her the world with his words for a boy who'd always break her in two—no wonder she's a mess)

.

Chuck promises her the world and puts it on her finger. She smiles but there's still an ache that she can't place and she can't admit that it's not Chuck who isn't enough.

Because he is. He has to be enough because he was the one she left Nate for. The one she left Dan for. The one she sold herself for so it has to be him. He has to be enough.

But he isn't. Wasn't and never will be. Because when he touches her, she feels nothing and when he kisses her, he tastes like hate and disdain; and when he says he loves her, she feels like screaming because it's not enough.

Because for the first time, she can't see herself in the mirror anymore and can't remember what it's like to be Blair Waldorf. An entity. A individual separated from the men in her life. She can't remember what it's like to be her.

So she screams. She cries and she throws things. Then she packs and leaves and doesn't look back, not even once. She leaves him a note and an emptied back and no regrets.

Because it was never about Nate, Chuck or Dan. It's about her. She wants more than what the UES offers. She needs more than what she has and she can't stop, won't stop until she feels complete, until she feels whole.

(Maybe one day she'll come back and find the boy offers her his words, soul and heart and they'll be happy. But for now, it's to be about her)

- fin