A/N: For Res_CVX

kind of a collab thing with Res_CVX but its mostly her idea but I ended up writing this bit *cough* because I had too much ideas fuck me

before I almost forgot PLEASE READ:
Kaneki = shironeki
Ken = kuroneki
they're twins in this au, and are 3 years younger than Haise, if that ain't obvious enough, heh

WARNING: UNBETA'ed

i.

20th of December, it was a cold, cold night. The snow was thick and it was giving drivers a hard time to drive. They need to wait for the roads to be plowed before they can resume to their daily routine, which was already ruined by the snow. Tokyo is a busy city, after all. A second wasted is a time too many.

It doesn't help the fact that despite the thick snow covering almost everything in white, snow is still falling from the sky.

In a hospital, somewhere in Tokyo, twins were born.

They were quite small, but it does not mean they were not healthy. It just so happens that their mother made sure she would not eat too much meals with high levels of carbohydrates so her children won't grow too big in her and give her a hard time during labor. She had a hard time giving birth with her first born, so what was the chance of her having a harder time with two? Plenty. She just wanted to be careful. She doesn't want to have orphaned children. Haise is only three years old and he cannot lose a mother right after losing his father in the same year.

Same goes with the little ones.

She was thankful when she heard the doctors say she wouldn't need a ceasarian. She could make it through the normal method, but still, it took a lot of her energy, pushing and pushing, grunting and screaming in between because her body wasn't really up to bearing children, even. But she tried.

She was panting and in the brink of passing out right after they managed to carefully pull the last infant and hear the doctor say aloud, "another boy!"

But she didn't. She wanted to see them as soon as possible.

Her children. The only memories of her late husband has left her.

She wanted to cherish them all. All three of them, since they are all she has left now.

Arima-kun, a neighbour, who was only seventeen, just came home from school when he saw Mrs. Sasaki grunting in pain, blood flowing down her legs as she tried to compose and be calm whilst pressing her head against the wall next to her apartment door. He was the one who helped the woman walk to the elevator, give instructions to focus on breathing and staying calm and bring her to the nearest hospital, with her three-year old in Arima-kun the highschooler's one arm.

He was also inside the emergency room, held Mrs. Sasaki's hand like how a husband would, since there was no one else available but him, and she really needed the support. Arima-kun took her crushing grip with a cooled expression and never forgot to remind her to breathe and provide encouragements when he deems it fit.

Arima-kun was currently in one of the seats in the waiting area, playing games with Mrs. Sasaki's three year old when one of the nurses who saw him inside the ER with Mrs. Sasaki called him over to see the children.

To be honest, he has no idea why they wanted him to see them. He's not a relative after all and he just stayed at the hospital despite his duties as the concerned neighbour is over because Mrs. Sasaki has no one to ask to look after her son for the time being.

He goes to the nursery anyway, with the toddler in his arms. He supposes the toddler has the right the see the twins and so hitches the boy higher to get a better look from the glass window.

"Say hello to you little brothers," he murmurs. Doubts the boy heard him, but he supposes he doesn't really need to tell him who the babies are when he feels the boy in his arms tense and lean closer into the glass, hands finding their way to lie flat against the surface at the sides of the toddler's face. Hears him make giddy noises and coo.

Arima stands by the window of the nursery section for a couple of minutes longer than he previously intended.

ii.

Sasaki Ken and Sasaki Kaneki at age three were inseparable.

There was not a time you will not find the one without the other. They hated being away from each other's company for too long that they would cry and won't stop calling the other.

One time their mother tried to make them grow out the habit and placed them in separate cribs located on opposite corners of the room, only to come home and see the cribs pushed together, courtesy of her eldest son. Haise loves his little brothers so much and couldn't bear the sad look on their faces or the way they would wail so loud he fears the twins would lose their voices so he pushed their cribs together, to wipe those sad, miserable looks. He wanted them to be happy, even if it would mean disobeying his mother's words, whose words Haise had always considered as law in the Sasaki household.

Mrs. Sasaki lightly reprimanded her eldest son, who since apologized sincerely, was easily forgiven. She tried separating the twins again, everytime before she leaves for work, returning home from work, and tucking them to sleep at nights.

No matter what she did though, she would always return without fail, in one way or another at the sight of her twins together, in peace in the presence of each other.

If it wasn't Haise it would be Arima-kun, their next door neighbour, who is not actually a highschooler but still seventeen on the day he found her in pain and at the brink of giving birth right outside her apartment. Turns out the boy is some sort of a child prodigy, finished criminology with the highest awards at the age of twelve and was immediately assigned to covert operations a year after. The Tokyo Police Department's pride.

Arima-kun too, at age seventeen, a few weeks after the twin's birth came over with a crib for a present. Reasoning it would be too cramped if the twins would share a crib, despite their size. He had learned that children, babies especially, grow faster than older children and it won't be long, he assures, that they would start crying because it was too cramped in their small crib.

But that doesn't seem like a problem three years later, was it, when it was Arima-kun himself who takes the initiative to place the twins together in one crib. None of the two complained and instead looked happier and livelier, he reasons Mrs. Sasaki whenever he gets scolded when the woman comes home to her twins still joined at the hip. She's trying to separate them after all. She thinks it would be bad if the two grew dependent on each other, what if they'll have a hard time making friends-

Arima-kun, now twenty years old, stops Mrs. Sasaki mid-sentence but immediately apologizes at his rudeness as he explains,
"We can't really do anything at the moment if the twins wanted no one but each other into their own worlds. Mrs. Sasaki, they are still young, it is only normal, in my opinion, for their worlds to be small and only allow entrance to someone they treat the closest to them. They are twins, which means they have been together since the day they were created in your womb, I think it is only natural they would find solace in each other's presence. Please, let us give them more time to grow and broaden their worlds on their own. Either way, I don't think they would be as lonely as you think they would be if they do grow having no friends."

Arima-kun's speech took Mrs. Sasaki by surprise. For the last three years since Arima-kun has started dropping by for a short peek at the children that quickly escalated to Arima-kun taking over babysitting duties on his day-offs or free times, she had never actually heard the boy-now man-speak his opinions aloud. He never actually seemed to care for anything else, from what she observed. Arima-kun, she presumed, was the type to go along with whatever people say, as long as it does not directly affect him or cause trouble with his daily routine.

Getting out of his own way to talk about her children's well-being was-

Well, she's actually speechless.

But she thinks it was sweet of him, such kind boy who cannot express his feelings properly. He really cares about her children does he? Ken, Kaneki, and Haise too.

It seems that Arima-kun has understood her children far better than she did, but she's not angry, no. Actually she felt more assured since she had to raise three children all on her own plus provide allowance for her poor sister struggling with finances in her own home, she is almost always not there for her growing kids.

It was assuring to know that despite her absence, there was someone they could look for support. For someone who would understand them and help them in their times of great needs.

It was important for parents to be present in the first few years of their children's growth, to strengthen the bond between parent and child and for the parents to learn to understand and get to know what kind of people their children are going to grow into. She is aware she missed those years with the twins, and had less with the eldest.

It saddens her, knowing that she had to choose work to keep her children well-fed and her sister too, but if she wants them to live in a better home, then she had no choice now, does she.

Next time, and the days that followed, she stopped separating the twins and listened to Arima-kun's words.

She'll just have to believe in her children to find the right people to give access to their small, but still growing worlds.

iii.

Ken and Kaneki at eight years old is still as close as they were born. Inseparable even in school that classmates and teachers have a hard time knowing who is who and soon gave up and started referring to both of them as "the twins" as if they were not two but one person. It was easier that way if they won't budge if tried to be separated. Even in assigning them to sections, teachers put their names together in the same class, just to avoid further problems, and really, they don't even know which of them is Ken and Kaneki anymore.

Usually, twins, are still distinct because they act and dress differently from each other, despite carrying the identical facial features of the other. Most stereotypes say they have clashing personalities-sporty and nerdy, friendly and shy, the list goes on-but not with these two, oh no.

From the hair to the shoes they wear, it was like a person was placed next to a life-size mirror. Even the personalities and mannerisms were the same, it was almost scary.

Even their classmates think so too.

They were so quiet, never stands out in classes but honor students, nonetheless.

When it was known in their class and year that they do well in academics-too well, actually-they became easy targets of bullies.
Their books would go missing, same goes with their shoes in their lockers that would be soon found in garbage cans and they would occasionally get vandalisms in their desks.

They never fought back nor made their experience be known though, so it continued, for a while, until their bullies who remained faceless and unknown grew tired of the same boring reaction they see and left them alone eventually.

The bullies, still faceless and anonymous, had wondered, how come the twin's big brother, who was a sixth grader by the time they finally gave up tormenting the sasaki siblings, has never done anything to get his brothers out of this predicament?

Maybe he doesn't care about them?

Hm, maybe. The eldest Sasaki is by far, the normal child of the family. The twins were freaks, obviously. Not just because they look and dress alike, which is of course, supposed to be normal for twins and they do not really have a choice when it comes to clothes because of the school's dress code, but you get the point. The twins act like they were the same person. They could literally kill the other and pretend they were the twin they killed and they bet their mother and brother could never tell the difference.

The eldest Sasaki though, he is perfect. A prodigy, the teachers would say.

He's great at literally everything, and they said he was supposed to be accelerated to three levels three years ago but refused for reasons unknown to the students but the teachers.

If Sasaki Haise accepted the offer though, that would mean he would already be a middle school senior by now.

No one knows why he wasted such opportunity, but those admirers, usually students in Sasaki Haise's year, spread rumors that his freak brothers threatened him not to skip three grades. They said the twins doesn't like competition and if Haise is getting accelerated, that would basically mean he won, doesn't it?

Oh yeah, that was why they attacked the twins. Made their lives for the next three years miserable and before they know it, they are already sixth graders, about to move to middle school, with Haise, the poor, oppressed brother.

Those bullies were wrong, of course.

Haise was the first-born, so he had assumed his brothers would be loved the most.

Oh how wrong he is

When his adviser sent his home a letter asking for his mother or guardian to come to school for a talk, he was happy to hear that it was because he excels so much, too much in his classes that the teachers had all agreed to give him a test. So that was that test was about…

The results say that his level of learning is higher than his classmates by three years and they highly recommended that he should be moved to a higher grade as soon as possible. They cannot waste this opportunity after all.

Of course Haise was glad too.

His mother was busy with work and it cannot let her take a leave for a day to appoint a meeting with his advisor so Arima-san took a leave from work and went in his mother's place.

Haise had been to Arima-san's workplace countless times. When he learned to commute on his own, he sneaks into the headquarters, his little brothers holding tight on each of his hands. The people in there were so nice, they give them biscuits and bitter coffee, which they all enjoyed to drink, despite the bitterness because it was a grown up drink. They want to be like the grown-ups in Arima-san's workplace.

They used to frequently stay at the headquarters after school until their mother drops by to pick them up or to Arima-san to escort them home, after bringing them all three to a snack house not too far away from the headquarters.

So in their stay they hear stories from Arima-san's co-workers about Arima-san's greatness.

He's a child prodigy, they told them. Graduated when he was twelve and got assigned to covert operations when he was thirteen.

"Covert?" Haise asks.

"What's that?" Followed by the twins.

Shinohara-san, a big man who is known for his skills in the field as a formidable foe but was nothing but no more than a gentle giant to the small children, looked away and scratched his cheeks in deep thought before replying with a smile on his face, "It means he's like a spy."

The twins made a sound of pure admiration, eyes glowing as images of Arima-san doing spy things like how characters in their books does. Arima-san in dark, tight clothes, hiding in the shadows of skyscrapers, talking to a small device installed conveniently in his spectacles as he watches his targets from afar, but sees them clear as day because his lenses were optimized to zoom and capture the scene like a normal camera.

Haise was as amazed as his little brothers, of course, but not the way they were. He did imagine Arima-san doing the same things he was doing in the twin's imagination, but the twins did nothing but that: imagine. They imagined and admired. Haise felt different. He imagined, admired, and dreamed.

He imagined Arima-san doing covert operations and admired the man for the incredible things he would've done while in the field: profiling criminals, analysing suspects, investigating scene of the crimes, interrogating witnesses and people directly involved in the crime with the pretense of an ordinary nosey by-stander, catching criminals, and saving people. The more he imagined and admired, the more the image of Arima-san doing these things slowly blurred and cleared again as an older version of himself doing the things he initially imagined Arima-san to be doing.

He dreamed.

That was why when Arima-san went out of his way to meet with Haise's adviser for a talk about his academic performance; he was both glad and anxious.

Glad because of all people, it would Arima-san who would be able to hear the words come of out his adviser's mouth. How good Haise had been in class, how he's so participative, he's a natural, he's so good that it seems like he needs to be moved to a higher level. Three levels, we suggest your boy to skip-

Haise had known Arima-san for as long as he can remember. He had always been a constant in his memories growing up, has seen him as his role model, even way before he dreamed to become a police officer like him. He wanted Arima-san to acknowledge him.

But it seems like he doesn't need to.

Because—
Arima-san nods along to whatever else his adviser babbles about and instead of giving the other his decision (about his future?), Arima-san tilts his head towards Haise, then he asks him, "Do you want to be moved to a higher grade, Haise? Your classmates would become at least three years older than you. It also means you'll get to graduate elementary school earlier than normal. Would you like that?"

--Arima-san already did.

For a minute Haise was silent, undecisive.

For a first-grader like Haise, who thinks he was nothing more than an average child, things like doing well in academics for the sake of getting good grades and better admissions to better schools never truly crossed his mind. He doesn't understand what merits he would get if he were to be accelerated and given the opportunity to graduate from school earlier. He's a child, whose biggest problems as of yet was whether he should buy that toy with the rest of his allowance or not.

It shouldn't be much of a deal if he said yes, since it feels like nothing harmful would happen if he said yes or no anyway. Acceleration seems like the better choice between the two, and he bet his Mom would be happy to hear the news when she gets home from work later.

Then Arima-san's words echo in his head.

It also means you'll get to graduate elementary school earlier than normal.

It would be three more years before his little brothers would start elementary school. He had been looking forward to the day he'll walk with them to school and walk with them on the way home, maybe even make it a routine to drop by that ice-cream shop he likes so much.

He'll save up his allowance so he can buy them popsicles that the twins would surely enjoy to split in half and be shared between them.

Kaneki and Ken liked sharing everything to each other after all.

If Haise gets moved three levels then that would mean crashing those dreams he longed for.

He doesn't want that.

So he told Arima-san, the person he looked up to, the person he wanted to impress that very day,

"I don't want to."

Haise loves his little brothers and if no one would love his brothers, then he would. He would love them as much as how those people in school loved him, and then he would love them more, until it surpassed the love Haise gets from everyone else.

Haise loves his little brothers, and so he throws away that something he didn't know at that time the one thing that would help him the most in the future.

It wouldn't matter though if it wasn't to be spent with his little brothers, so maybe it was truly worth the sacrifice.

Or is it?

iv.

Mom doesn't want her children to become orphans.

So she was very careful and took precautions during the months she was carrying Ken and Kaneki. She knows her body cannot handle pregnancy, but she still pushed for it, because she wanted to keep her children, no matter what.

When the twins were born, she did everything in her power to give the three of them a good place to live-in, books to read, clothes to wear, and food to eat. She worked so hard for them—them three and their Aunt too, because she cannot work and is (still is) suffering financially and needs help.

Mom has always valued family above all else, and their Aunt is also Mom's family, so she cannot really choose who to keep and who to let go. So she worked hard, to keep them all to herself, no matter what.

She worked and worked, until they noticed that she barely slept on her bed and barely touched her food before going off to work again.

Day and night, this is her routine.

They tried to ask her to take a break, she's been working really hard, and they doubt her boss won't let her take at least a week-off-

But no, she tells them. Its okay, she assures her children.

She's really okay, just tired.

Just tired.

She died because of fatigue. Over-working herself. For the three of them, plus their Aunt.

Just tired.

Ken and Kaneki and Haise too became orphans that day and onwards. Their mother worked herself to death so she wouldn't lose them, only to lose herself and leave her three snivelling children to become orphans.

The verdict: they will be under their Aunt's custody from now on.

Ken and Kaneki were obviously reluctant, always held on to Haise's shirt who was thirteen at that time.

Haise wasn't reluctant, not in the least but he was also against the decision. He couldn't bear to look at the face of the woman who basically killed their mother. It was this woman's fault why his brothers started closing themselves off of him and refused to talk to anyone else but themselves. It was this woman's fault why the three of them has lost their mother.

This woman is a murderer.

Arima-san is a police officer, so why can't they ask him for help, ask him to catch this woman for committing such a heinous crime? The twins asked Haise once, when Haise found the twins hiding in a closet at their old home-old, because they no longer live in here, they are supposed to live with their Aunt from now on-a big, bulky hardbound book resting on one of their thighs, a flashlight on, for better lighting because the closet is dark, it is hard to read.

Haise at thirteen has already lost the kind of innocence his younger brothers seem to still have, and it hurts him to know it would be him who would take that away from them, but he thinks that it has to be done, so that once that wound heals, they will become stronger and it would protect from harsher things to come.

The world is cruel, Haise knows. He experienced it first-hand after all.

He knows he wouldn't be able to protect his brothers from the cruelness of the world, and so he strives to find a way to provide them protection, to keep them safe wherever they are that he cannot reach.

He enters the closet that is now too small for three growing children. The twins knows this, but still wriggled around inside and snuggled closer to each other, to give their older brother a space to sit on with them.

Haise enters, squeezes himself between the twins, which the twins paid no mind at all. The closet door was closed again and the only light they use to see each other in the dark was through the flashlight Kaneki held in his hands, now pointing upwards, at the closet's ceiling, allowing it to scatter light and see everything inside better, if not clearly.

Haise holds them both, wraps his arms around them and presses his mouth to their brows, kissing them.

Haise takes a deep breath to steel himself, then says as he exhales, "That's not how justice works, though."

Haise's hold on the twin tightens when he feels them squirm in his arms, trying to reposition themselves to look up at their big brother and meet gazes with him. He explains further.

"We know she killed Mom, but everyone doesn't see it like that. She made Mom overwork herself to death but to everyone else, no one saw her making Mom do it. Everyone thinks Mom did this to herself."

"But we know that she didn't-"

"A word of three children against a bunch of adults won't be enough to get that woman in jail. That's just how it works in this world." Haise grumbles.

The twins were silent for a moment, just staring at their brother whose arms are starting to tighten around them painfully but they paid it no mind. It just means that their brother is as upset about their situation as they are.

Ken and Kaneki's gazes meet each other a second and gives each other a look of understanding, before answering their brother, voices in perfect synchronization one would think this was practiced, but was not, as they say, "this world is wrong."

Haise blinks, then sniffs and nods. He holds them tighter against him, as if that would serve enough to protect his brothers from bad things that is the world.

"It is." He replies afterwards.

Mom is gone, which means the three of them were left to fend for themselves from now on. Haise makes it his responsibility to protect his brothers.

The three of them ended up locked in the closet for hours until Arima-san came and found them, asleep and wrapped in each other's arms, stuck in their little world that is the closet.

v.

When Arima-san found them, he had a hard time separating the three. The twins refused to let go of each of Haise's hands, screaming when touched.

Arima was wincing and after one try, he let it be.

The ride in Arima's car was deadly silent, so different from the usual noise he hears whenever all three were in his car. Usually there would be silent murmurs between the twins, Haise silently sitting by the window but occasionally talks to Arima about small things like what they ate for lunch in school or what a co-worker told them when they were staying in the headquarters.

This time, it was so different.

The twins were separated for once, Arima thinks as he sneaks in a glance through the rear view mirror. The twins were on either side of their older brother, hold on Haise's hand firm and tight. It doesn't seem to bother the elder at all and instead kept his eyes on the road, back stiff.

Arima inhales.

There were noises of obvious surprise when the children realize that the nameplate on the apartment door does not say their Aunt's last name but instead it was Arima-san's.

Before they got to ask though, Arima-san was already ushering them in. They release their holds on each other and do as they were told.

They watch Arima-san closely as he takes off his shoes. When they receive a look afterwards, they all scurry off to take off theirs and place it as neat as they could near Arima-san's.

The first thing Arima-san does was not take off his coat but instead walk straight towards the kitchen, where the three follow like new born ducklings attached to the first person they see upon hatching.

They all sit on the counter, which was quite big for someone who lives alone (and was barely home).

Arima-san takes out a paper (when did he get that?) and shows it to them.

It was a legal document.

The first thing that came into their minds was why would an adult want children to read something as complicated as official papers. They read it anyway, the paper in Haise's hold while the twins hover.

The terms are all too technical, they barely understand a single sentence, but they were able to make out "custody" in it. A lawyer's name and signatures, witnesses (is this an investigation report?), their Aunt, and Arima-san.

It takes a long time before any one of them perked up and timidly asked Arima-san what any of these words mean.

Arima-san actually looked surprised that they did not understand a thing. But it was normal, they were children, one barely into middle school and the two still in elementary. They couldn't understand any of these, they explain.

Arima-san understood (did he really? They doubt it, he has always been like this, after all), nods, and simply says, "You three will start living with me from now on."

vi.

Living with Arima-san wasn't any different from their usual routine when their mother was alive. Arima-san was barely home, spending most of his time in the headquarters, where he practically lives in.

Their mother is always away from her night and day jobs, and spend her free time working on another part-time job or actually resting so the boys are accustomed to have each other for company in the big, spacious house.

It seems that Arima-san has moved to a bigger house to accommodate all four of them. Since they are growing boys, Arima-san's co-workers advised he provide them their own separate rooms. They never had a room of their own before, so this was truly a surprise.

They were all excited of course, but the twins chose to sleep together on the same bed nonetheless.

Neither Arima-san nor Haise mentioned anything about it.

A few years later and the twins enter middle school. Their brother has finally decided to be accelerated. He's now on his first year, studying for his degree in Criminology. His dreams to become an investigator becoming more and more accessible everyday, but that is not the only reason why he had finally accepted the offers.

Haise wants to graduate early, to become an adult as soon as possible. He doesn't want to burden Arima any longer.

He also wants to take care of his little brothers on his own.

The twins think that Haise is already doing that, taking care of them. Has he not ever since they were little?

But Haise thinks whatever he had done for them wasn't enough. Never was.

So they let him be, if that was what would make him happy and feel accomplished.

Though they still think Haise should stop and just do things for himself. They don't need Haise to hold their hand everytime they walk anymore. They're twelve now. They can take care of themselves. They can walk without tripping on their own two feet anymore.

Arima is well-known in his crowd as the Wünderkind, the child prodigy.

He is also well-known outside his crowd, by those involved in businesses he is investigating on. They know him because he hunt their kind down and burn their businesses to the ground.

They fear him, they hate him.

Those who hated him got a whiff of the news that Arima had taken strays home with him.

Three little boys, the oldest being 15 and the youngest 12. What's best is that there are two of 'em.

The younger the better, wasn't it?

Maybe after this, Arima will cool down from his hunting streak for a while and they can come out and play some more.

The twins were walking home after school when suddenly a vehicle sped towards them before skidding into a stop, the wheels hot and squealing against the graphite. There was no time for the kids to run because of shock, same goes with the by-standers, as they stand still and watch how faceless men came busting out of the doors and grab the struggling children. They were thrown inside the car, doors slamming shut and the car skids away.

None of the witnesses are able to describe the vehicle other than its black and expensive-looking. No plate numbers were found either.

Haise was in the verge of screaming at the police station, at the verge of hitting and beating the current witness who seems like this interview was the least important thing that matters. Children were kidnapped-

"Haise!"

All activity in the police headquarters stops, as everyone focuses on the new comer.

It was Ken.

Haise thought his heart jumped out of his throat upon sighting one of his missing brothers.

They all run to him, Haise getting to his brother first. Entrapping him into a tight hug, tears started flowing freely from his eyes now. Seeing his brother safe and unhurt evaporates the heavy feeling lodged in his chest. He kisses the top of that black hair and starts looking around, eyes teary.

When he finds nothing, he looks down at Ken who has been trembling, sniffling and crying ever since he had stepped inside the headquarters, Haise asks, "Where's Kaneki?"

Ken and Kaneki are quiet little boys, very meek and soft-spoken. Hearing Ken wail loudly that it reverberates throughout the entire headquarters was unsettling.

The heavy feeling in Haise's chest came back like a stab of a lance.

The moment the boys hit the soft material of the car's seat, Kaneki was quick to act.

He held on to his twin as soon as he was able, and observed that the doors of the car have their knobs intact, unlike in crime books he and Ken had read.

When he notice their captor lower their guard, he jumped at them, aimed at his head, teeth clamping onto an ear. The captor screams and the people in the front seats of the car looks behind them in alarm, the one seating next to the driver had their hands immediately on his head, pulling hard.

He looks at Ken as he struggles, sees the other cowering on a corner and he shouts.

"Open the door and run! I'll be right behind you!"

It was a lie of course, since they had a firm grip on his hair, the other on his arm. It's impossible to escape from this unless he rip his arm off as well as a part of his scalp, maybe.

Ken believed him though, and shakily, he pulled at the lever, the car door opening and by the time they grab him off of a captor's ear, Ken has already fled.

They cuss and the person whose ear he had almost bitten off backhands him across the face.

It was alright, Ken is safe, and that is all that matters.

He couldn't recall anything anymore about the ride as he had lost consciousness.

It was ten days later when rescue came.

Though it wasn't really a rescue when it was the kidnappers who had decided to send him back, is it?

Initially he should blame Arima for whatever had happened to him, but he didn't.

It wasn't Arima's fault, Kaneki assures them.

Haise was contradicted, because yes, he had respected the man since they were little, and to hear that all this would've not happened if

Arima did not take them in…

He's not sure he if he wants Ken to see his twin like this.

From the looks of it, Kaneki shares the same sentiments.

But Ken has the right to know, and-

Kaneki watches passively as his brother violently brings both hands to his face, rubbing it up and down and he sighs in frustration. Unshed tears threatening to fall.

Tears flowed like opened dams when he sees how his little brother flinched visibly at the mere hold of his hands.

What had they done to deserve this?

vii.

It is no longer hard to discern who is who after the kidnapping.

A week later, they had deemed Kaneki fit enough to go back to school.

A lot of things had changed in him, and it wasn't only the school who noticed this.

Aside from his appearance, which was according to the specialists were due to the trauma the boy has experienced, he had become emotionally distant.

No one knows what the kidnappers had actually done to the other Sasaki but the physical and mental exams gave them a hint.

The signs were there.

Ken had read the signs in the books he and his twin had read, and he had always found them fascinating. Seeing them on his twin brought a different feeling in him though.

He felt sick.

They no longer sleep on the same bed, and for the first time the moment they started living under Arima's roof, they slept on separate rooms.

Kaneki did return to them, but to Ken, it felt like he never did.

They still walk together to the school and home. Sit together in the same table during lunch and breaks, but they don't sit or walk as close as before.

Kaneki flinches at the smallest of contact. He always looked like his mind is somewhere, and it probably was because whenever Ken talks to him he never looks his way to indicate that he is listening, he even asks Ken if he could repeat it again. He looked apologetic, but his voice is hollow and lacks life it usually carries.

It scares him, but it hurts him more to know how his brother had changed so much in only a span of 10 days.

He knows that the kidnapping incident is still haunting Kaneki. He can see the deep bags under his eyes grow heavier and darker everyday. Whatever it was, it was so horrible that it keeps him up at night.

He wanted to ask him, beg him to please tell him. Didn't they always tell each others' secrets? Why can't Kaneki let him in on this one too?

No one else needs to know, just him. He won't tell anyone.

He just wanted to close this distance between them that seems to grow everyday.

Kaneki refused to talk about it.

Everytime Ken tried to breach the subject, he gets ignored, or the subject changes into something else, Kaneki acting as if he never heard him ask at all.

Ken knows this very well. Changing topics and pretending to not hear any of it. Kaneki must think that if he keeps it up Ken will give up.

Well, he won't.

But Kaneki wanted him to.

When Kaneki finally realized Ken would never budge, he took further actions that actually broke Ken's heart.

If back then they used to walk together, eat lunch together and hang out during breaks, now, they even stopped doing that.

Kaneki made it his duty to get up early and help Haise in preparing their meals, then leave the house three hours earlier than usual, which was around the time Ken was still in bed, sleeping.

Kaneki also got involved with afterschool activities now, something the old him would never do, for like how Hide had worded it, the twins have this condition where their bodies stiffen up and whither when exposed to big groups.

It seems like whatever it was that had happened to Kaneki has toughen him up, Hide jokingly told him when he had addressed the issue to the other one time, saddened when Kaneki has refused to walk with him home for the first time, for he had afterschool activities to do.

Hide had seen the scene unfold, saw how Kaneki had unbelievingly crushed his twin with words.

Hide was undeniably mad, because he thinks Kaneki went too far, but he thinks he understands, in a way, why Kaneki did what he had done.

If he were in the other's shoes then he wouldn't doubt that he would do the same things.

So instead of walking towards the two and hitting the other, he jumps at Ken, surprising him to the point his screams sounded like he's being murdered. There was satisfaction there when he felt Kaneki run towards them but stop when he sees what it was all about.

Hide told Ken that he thinks his legs need more exercise, so would he mind if he walk Kaneki home? He lives on the opposite direction, so if he walk Kaneki home, that means he's going to walk thrice as far, that's gonna do his legs good!

Kaneki wasn't satisfied with the offer, but it raised his spirits a little.

Hide decided to take joy in the small things.

viii.

Time passes and it had been 6 months since Kaneki has started putting distance between them.

At this point Ken could say he is used to it.

But he couldn't deny how much it still hurt as much as the first day he had realized that this is it. They had officially fallen out.

He started to think if maybe pushing his brother to speak about his experience was worth all this if it costs their bond.

But if he didn't, then what is the point of their bond? They're together but are they really if they couldn't connect properly? How can you connect with someone you barely know? Is he even still the Kaneki he knew and loved?

He had always told himself that he is used to the coldness his brother makes him feel. The absence of the warm body next to him in bed makes him cry sometimes, and he wants it to stop to be honest but the tears just wouldn't listen to him, no matter how loudly he begs it to please stop flowing. You can't cry, please.

He ended up sleeping with his pillow pressed to his face from muffling the noises, another pressed tightly to himself, pretending it's warm and breathing.

The fact that it wasn't makes it harder for his tears to stop, and he hates himself for his weakness when he calls for Kaneki, his voice and sobs muffled by the pillow. If he gets too loud Haise might hear and come in his room. He can't afford to have their big brother to worry about something like this. He's busy studying for his exams.

Usually when he is sad he wakes Kaneki and they talk about it. But what if his distress is because he doesn't have Kaneki to confide to anymore? That Kaneki has probably also no one to confide his feelings to too?

Oh, but Kaneki seems like he had made friends. Lots of them it seems, that he doesn't have time to spend with Ken anymore. The fact that he doesn't have time to read books with him is a proof of that.

Kaneki doesn't need him like Ken does anymore.

The bullying did not really stop after they finished elementary.

When the seniors graduated, the underclassmen made it their duty to continue their seniors' legacy of terrorizing the twins.

The seniors took the reason to the bullying with them when they graduated elementary, but the children a year or so below them hurt them anyway because that's what the older kids did and the idolize the older kids so what else would make them feel more like their senior but this?

When Kaneki was kidnapped, the beatings had gotten worse. The taunts got to him, and it ate him on the inside.

Why must it be him who got away? What if he never see Kaneki again? Then that would mean that those children were right, Kaneki died for a wimp like him. He died a useless death.

Hide would see him walk out of the gates dirty and in tears, and he wouldn't say a word behind the reason of how he got his injuries or why he's in tears. Same situation at home, whenever Haise is present and sees him dirty and still in tears and he walks in, he only cries louder whenever Haise holds his shoulders and gently ask him what was wrong? The worry in his face breaks his heart, and he hugs him, taking in the welcoming warmth.

Haise started crying too when he heard him say once, in the middle of his crying as he hugs Haise, "I want my brother back."

So from dejection and sadness it becomes guilt and regret.

Ken stopped mulling over things like why would his brother distance himself from him like that and such.

Ken had truly accepted the change, and thought that he deserved this isolation. He deserved the sadness and inwardly hoped that it was him who had the courage to distract their captor and it was Kaneki who managed to run away.

A nobody like him doesn't deserve to be the survivor.

"Faggot."

He flinches when one of his attackers spat on his face.

He was on the ground, writhing in pain. He gasps when he feels a shoed foot make contact with his belly.

It hurts.

"Oh look, he's drooling, gross," they snicker.

"Careful, I heard he's contagious. That's why his twin unlatched from him, you know. Even he got disgusted with him." One of them tells the current attacker.

They laugh, then another kick that makes him turn on his stomach to vomit whatever it is he had in his stomach, which was nothing but stomach acid. There was fear when he sees his saliva on the ground mixed with red, then he actually screams when they didn't stop the assault and kicked him on the side.

He's on his back now and he gets a clear view of their faces. All smiling, no hint of guilt or regret. Just amusement.

"Hey, hey, is that true? You got a thing for your twin right? And he found out so he started avoiding you like the plaque? Hey, say something!"

At the lack of response, one them holds his head up, hands tightly latching on a patch of black hair. It hurts so much, tears started flowing down his face, causing dirt to smear and worsen his swollen face.

He had no idea where the accusations come from, he thinks they're so cruel, but in a way they're right.

His brother did started avoiding him like the plaque.

Maybe that was it.

It wasn't because Kaneki doesn't want to talk about his experience, it wasn't about his resistance to confide to his twin but because of anger. Hatred.

Ten days of suffering because it was Ken who got to run away and survive instead of him when he was the one who got the idea of distracting the captors when Ken did nothing but cower.

He deserved this, he repeats to himself, openly crying now. The jeers of his attackers were unheard as he continued to hate himself for the painful things Kaneki had endured because of him.

Kaneki appeared to be happy and doing well in the times he see him with his new friends, smiling and conversing. It hurts to see the other happy with someone else but what mattered is that Kaneki is happy.

If being away from him makes Kaneki happy, then so be it.

He wished Kaneki could see him now, battered and crying, and pathetic. The sight would make his twin feel better, he bet. He's getting his well-deserved punishment.

"Teacher! There they are! Hey! I saw your faces!" A shout not too far from their location.

"Shit! Run!"

He was thrown into the ground and it hurts. He couldn't will himself to move or open an eye, his entire body is sore.

Footsteps fade and return, this one stopping above his head.

He hears a familiar sound, "Oh, Ken,"

A hand holds him up, gently this time but he still winces because the gentle contact hurt nonetheless.

"Come on, I'll get you home."

"Please don't tell them."

He hears Hide inhale deep, thinking if it was the best decision.

"Okay," He breathes out then lets out a weak, shaky laugh. "But it's sort of too late."

He opens an eye, painful as it is, just to see what Hide meant by that.

Ken forgot there were two pairs of footsteps that approached. At the sight of Kaneki looking at him with eyes that betray no emotion, he started sobbing again.
The sting in his gut at every sob could not compete with the pain he's feeling in his chest.

His self-hatred grows.

E/N:

this is M because the next part has a rapey part and there's gonna be actual kanekicest sex yaaaayyy (maybe also a threesome bc why not *shrug*)

hellweek is coming and I'm trying to run away from my responsibilities but since this is my last chance to get excepmted from taking at least one of my final exams then I might as well study for it yea?

I promise the next part won't take a year before I pull it out of my ass I promISE