A/N: I wanted to write a one-shot, okay? The title is an obscure and slightly pathetic referance to Xanazumaki's Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess Abridged series.
"Why isn't the fourth book out yet?" whined Eragon.
You've said that 1275928493759327732874 times in the last three ****ing years, said Saphira boredly. Now shut the **** up.
"I still don't know how or why you even kept track of that," Arya said from a comfy-looking chairwhere she was writing nearby.
I'm a mother****ing dragon.
"We get it."
"Why does everyone keep calling the bloody thing Book Four?" griped Brom. For some unknown reason he was also in the limbo zone between books.
The limbo zone is not a place where people constantly limbo. Well, they might, occasionally, but they mostly just sit around playing boring board/card games, do some puzzles, and complain their asses off. TLZ, as I like to call it, is where the characters from a book series go between books. Needless to say, the Inheritance cycle characters were all going batshit insane from the amount of time they had spent cooped up together.
Anyway.
"I mean, seriously, they finally told us the title in March."
"It's a shitty title, though," grumbled Murtagh. "I mean, everyone was expecting an awesome and unexpected, totally original title. Then CP screws us over and calls the goddamn thing 'Inheritance'. Seriously Christopher, what the hell?" Apparently, they were up to date on current events, at least where their book was concerned.
"Murty has a point," Elva said boredly. She, Angela, Solembum, and Tenga were playing what looked like a cutthroat game of poker.
"Stop calling me that!" Murtagh screamed at Elva, looking distinctly not-sane.
"Murty, Murty, Murty."
After unsuccessfully trying to kill himself for the 11th time that day, 'Murty' then returned to his favourite activity; smacking his head against the wall repeatedly. Well, actually it was his second-favourite. His favourite was curling up into a ball and trying not to think about fanfiction.
"Pansy-ass," muttered Orik.
"Hey, at least you don't have tens of thousands of fangirls waiting to rip you apart."
"I thought it was thousands, not tens of thousands."
"It's probably millions by now. Trust me on this."
"Oh yes, let's all trust the back-stabbing, dwarf-king-killing traitor!"
"Oh god, not this again," muttered Nasuada from her corner. She was reading Sun Tzu's 'Art of War'. And no, I'm not going to tell you where or how she got it. Plot holes are fun.
"That wasn't my fault!"
"You bloody well killed him!"
I like rabbits, said Thorn absently. Everyone ignored him.
"Enough!" shouted Arya. Murtagh and Orik glowered at each other for a few moments, then started ignoring each other. Again.
About 15 minutes of relative silence later, Eragon burst.
"We should have a Discussion." Roran's immediate response to this was to try to gouge his ears out with a deck of playing cards he had stolen from Elva's poker game. The witch-child was not impressed with this and threw Solembum in cat form at Roran.
"Damn it! I just lost $10!" Tenga shouted.
"God, I'm so depressed," said Solembum.
Idiots, you're all ****ing idiots, said Saphira tiredly.
Angela, finished with the poker game, started knitting something puke-green and oddly shaped. It looked like a very small crocodile crossed with a trash can crossed with a tulip.
"Seriously! We need to have a committee!"
"About what? And if you say Book Four, I will slit your bloody throat," said Brom angrily. He continued on, quieter, "I can't bloody believe I thought you were fit to be a bloody rider… wow, was I drunk…"
Eragon pouted a bit.
"What I don't get," said Arya, "Is why Galbatorix isn't here."
"Well, he hasn't been seen yet in the books. He hasn't appeared in person. We just get hints of him," said Nasuada, reasonably.
"Or he's just too much of a git," Orik said cheerfully. "And this stupid Limbo Zone thing knows that he'd probably kill us all, easily."
"Honestly, I'm surprised we haven't killed each other yet," said Arya.
Oh god, there are loaves of orange and blue bread between my scales!
"Shut up, Thorn," Murtagh said tiredly.
"What about King bloody Orrin?" Brom asked.
"Oh, he committed suicide."
"…..Oh," said the once-dragonrider.
"Smart of him," muttered Murtagh.
Elva spoke up. "Has anyone seen my poisonous toad? He got loose the other day…"
"Elva, I've told you before, he's a frog, not a toad," said Angela.
"Yes, yes, I know. The point is, he's very poisonous. And I like him. Anybody know where he is?"
"I think I saw him over by Katrina a while ago," said Orik.
They all looked to where Katrina had been sitting. There was a rather smelly-looking dead female body lying there.
Silence.
"Oh…" Orik bit his tongue.
"Bloody Hell," said Brom.
"Well," said Arya.
Cheese strings! said Thorn gleefully.
"This is awkward," said Eragon.
****, said Saphira.
"It's not like she ever did anything anyway," muttered Elva. "All she ever did was lust after Roran, which got a bit uncomfortable, I can tell you that. And honestly, has anyone seen my toad?"
Roran started to cry.
"Uh… there, there, cousin?" tried Eragon, awkwardly patting Roran on the shoulder. "Um… oh jeez…"
"I went through all that shit for nothing!" Roran howled. "It's not like I even liked her, and she was going to have a bloody kid, and her dad was a twit, and I fought the ****ing Ra'Zac for nothing? WHAT. THE. ****?"
More, increasingly awkward silence.
"Wait… what do you mean, you didn't even love her?" asked Arya.
"Well, after Helgrind, she was a bitch 50% of the time, and the other 50 she was like a freaking sweetheart. It was weird. She was bi-polar or something," said Roran.
Yet more silence.
"I mean, I was going to break up with her, but then she got pregnant, and, well, you know…"
"Dude, you have issues. And coming from me, that's pretty bad," said Murtagh.
"Yeah, but at least Roran doesn't have chronic backstabbing disorder…"
Murtagh immediately leapt at Orik, Zar'roc ready to slice him in half. Eragon, Saphira, and Arya barely managed to restrain him and wrestle him to the ground.
"I ****ING HATE DWARVES!" roared Murty.
"OH, THAT IS IT!" Oh. It looks like he can read the filler text.
"DAMN RIGHT I CAN!" Shit.
"I think he's finally lost it," said Nasuada.
Brom shook his head sorrowfully. "It was really only a bloody matter of bloody time."
Murtagh was swearing like a sailor at something no one else could see, Angela was unsuccessfully trying to cover Elva's ears, Solembum was depressed, Thorn was still in La-La land, Nasuada was trying not to scream, Eragon was as oblivious as ever, and Arya looked pissed off. Just another ordinary day in TLZ.
"I KNOW YOU'RE UP THERE, DAMMIT! COME DOWN AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!"
"Someone gag him."
A/N: Well, how was it? I wanted to do something before Book Four comes out. (I agree with Murtagh; Inheritance is a shitty title and I refuse to call it that. Maybe CP'll still change it… isn't my denial cute?) Anyway… I haven't got anything else to say. Bugger off.