Disclaimer: Clearly I own nothing related to CSI: Miami, because if I did I probably wouldn't be living with my parents. Title of story was taken from The Ramones song of the same name. Many Thanks to BulletStrong for her help. Hey, Ho, Lets Go….
Hey Little Girl, I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend
Maxine Valera was supposed to be having a good time. She was after all at a party. And this wasn't just any old party. Eric Delko and Calleigh Duquesne, two of her good friends and colleagues, had capped off seven years of sexual tension and unrequited love by getting married on the sly. They'd done it in typical Eric and Calleigh style, under the radar, just the two of them and a justice of the peace somewhere in the Keys. Valera had suspicions that their boss Horatio Caine, and former colleague Alexx Woods had attended as witnesses. But if they had, they weren't talking. Probably because Eric's mother was upset enough as it was that she'd not been there, no reason to fan the flames.
To further allay any hurt feelings Eric and Calleigh had organized a huge party on their return from the Keys, and invited all their friends and family to celebrate the union. Kind of a "Hey everyone we're married, don't hate us!" party. And for the most part it seemed to do the trick. Mrs. Delko, her anger forgotten, was currently tearing up the dance floor with Eric's dad. It was a great party, and really in Valera's opinion much classier than a traditional wedding. Everyone got to celebrate with Eric and Calliegh, but the couple weren't forced to parade themselves in front of the world, while swearing vows to a God neither of them were super close with. Instead, Eric and Calleigh were swaying serenely together on the dance floor, oblivious to the assembled company, or any change in the music's tempo.
So it was a great party. Everything about it was great. Calleigh and Eric were finally together. Everyone Valera knew was there. Which now that she thought on it was both good and bad. When had her life, and circle of friends, shrunk to encompass the Miami-Dade Police Department and the people in it? But still, the party was great. The club was great. The music was great. Her dress was great. The amount of alcohol she'd consumed was…great. But the night had become anti-climatic, at least for her. Everyone around her was dancing, drinking, cavorting, everyone but her. Instead, Valera sat alone at one of only two occupied tables. Even Horatio was dancing for Christ sakes, and with Natalia Boa Vista no less. There was a lot going on, but nothing she felt she could join in on. Calleigh and Eric were clearly busy. And she would lose her job if she made like Natalia and braved the dance floor with Horatio. There was no way Valera was watching the Big Red dance without laughing.
She scanned the room to see if anyone else offered the possibility for dancing or conversation, or even, at this point, body shots…anything to kill the boredom. Alexx was engaged in a conversation with her husband and the new M.E. Dr. Tara Price, while simultaneously managing her children. No hope there. Valera's eyes roamed to the dance floor, paused long enough to giggle at H and Natalia, and then continued on to Eric and Calleigh. Valera wasted several moments just watching them. They were so happy, and beautiful, and in love. She found the steadiness and assurance Eric and Calleigh gave each other comforting. They were like Valera's own personal Darcy and Elizabeth. She
had always enjoyed Pride and Prejudice, but never wanted to be Elizabeth Bennett. Valera just wanted to know love like that existed. Calleigh and Eric confirmed it for her.
Finally Valera deigned to glance at the one other occupied table. She already knew what she would find. Dan Cooper and Ryan Wolfe drinking a lot, alone, while making themselves laugh at whatever it is two guys find funny. It wasn't that Valera didn't like the men. She liked Dan immensely as a dorky, younger brother type. Ryan, well that was another story, he was sort of an X factor for her. When he'd first arrived at the lab, after Tim Speedle's death she had pitied him. No one was going to be able to replace Speed. Ever. The odds had been against Ryan from the beginning. Still, Valera had welcomed him the way she would any new colleague, and found him to be pleasant, and she would admit attractive. There had always been Eric to stare at during a long day of work, but any new eye candy was fine with Valera. Even if said eye candy had OCD and was not particularly suave.
In his first year Ryan had done his job, been nice enough, even a little heroic when she considered how he'd cared for that baby after the hospital shootings, and taken a nail to the eye in the name of duty. But then something had changed. Maybe it was the hard time he'd had fitting in. Maybe this had fueled his already obvious insecurities. Maybe it was his part in getting her temporarily fired from her job. Maybe he had always been a little egotistic. There were a lot of maybes. But all Valera knew was that whatever happened it had changed Ryan from being the slightly nerdy, cute boy at the office who wore sweater vests and cracked nervous jokes. He was still pleasant and respectful with her, but he wasn't open, or goofy, and she missed his floppy hair and sweater vests if she really thought about it. Between his increasingly sarcastic demeanor, the gambling and his new penchant for ties at work, Valera didn't know what to make of him anymore. He'd even been a television commentator for Christ sakes! How low could one go? Yes, she definitely missed the sweater vests.
Suddenly peals of laughter broke Valera's train of thought and pulled her back into the present. Oh yeah, I'm at a party. Valera looked over at Ryan and Dan's table to try and ascertain what was so funny, and if it was anything she could partake in. Ryan, from what she could observe was laughing so hard he was crying. This had two affects on Valera, first it peaked her interest, and second it made her yearn again for the boy in the sweater vest. She got to her feet as gracefully as she could after 6, or 7, or 8 cocktails, and made
her way to the table Dan and Ryan were sitting at. As she drew near she heard Ryan's voice, and it sounded incredulous.
"Dude! Did you seriously think that would work on a girl?!"
Dan was blushing furiously and mumbling about how some girls found it classy when a man could speak another language. Valera crashed down in a seat facing the two men.
"What's so funny? And what language can Dan speak? And who did he hit on?" She knew she sounded demanding, and probably a little deranged judging by the looks Ryan and Dan were giving her. She tried to work out whether they were pissed she'd interrupted them, or just surprised a woman was talking to them. She decided to go with the latter.
"Nice to see you too Valera. Isn't this a great party? Yes we're having a great time thanks for asking by the way. And aren't Calleigh and Eric just made for each other?" Ryan was as sarcastic as ever.
"Shove it Wolfe. Now Dan", Valera turned to the younger man who was still blushing and studying his beer with great interest. "What's all this about you hitting on a girl? And yes, girls do find it sexy when a man can speak another language." She directed the last comment at Ryan.
"Not when it's Klingon!" came his response. This momentarily threw Valera. What was Klingon? She searched her less than sober mind, and finally remembered what little she knew about Star Trek.
"Oh rrriiiight." She couldn't really think of anything more helpful and Dan's look of dejection deepened.
"How do you guys know a girl wouldn't find Klingon impressive?" Dan's question went unanswered as Valera and Ryan stared at him. "I mean you don't know every girl in the world, and Klingon is a very difficult, yet passionate language. Some girls might be impressed."
"Yeah maybe, some girls, but not the one you have in mind." Ryan punctuated his statement by nodding towards Tara, the new ME.
"Ooohhhh." Valera suddenly understood. She too turned towards where Tara was still conversing with Alexx. "Yeah……maybe….not…". She knew it was a lame finish, and Dan's face fell further.
"Screw you guys! What? You think I couldn't get a girl like Price?" Dan's eyes became thunderous. "You know what? I don't care what you two think! Or what anyone at work thinks of me any more! I know what you all say! Oh look there's Dan the computer nerd. Dan's so cute he reads comics and he's hopeless with girls!"
Dan's voice grew louder. "Well I'm not pathetic! And I know lots of girls that like comics and computers! Valera you love computers!" He had her there. "And I'm sorry you all are so jaded, but, but… whatever." Dan's anger, and the booze, was clearly affecting his ability to articulate and he gave up.
"Ooookaaay. Well, that's one way to see it," Ryan began. "But, I just want to point out that we are still talking about Klingon here. It's just reality man. I went to Hebrew school but I'm not gonna rock up on some girl and be like…Shalom baby! Wanna karar?"
"What does karar mean?" Valera asked.
"It means dance, well, to dance or whirl, probably in a religious procession. Whatever. Basically I was saying do you wanna dance." Ryan replied.
Valera looked at him, and then at Dan and realized that yes she did want to dance. She'd only come over here because she felt lonely in the middle of a party. She'd wanted to be dancing and having fun like everyone else. She wanted Dan and Ryan, yes, even Ryan, especially Ryan, to be dancing and having fun. After all, they were celebrating Eric and Calleigh's marriage. Those two had stopped denying themselves love and worrying about the what- ifs in life. And okay, so it had taken seven years, but if nothing else Valera figured that should teach everyone around them a lesson. Seize the day! Love like you've never been hurt! Dance like nobody is watching! Eight cocktails will make you think bumper stickers are words to live by! And maybe Dan was right. Maybe they were all too hard on him. What if Dan changed like Ryan had? That couldn't happen to her Dan. She had to make things right.
"Dan!" she turned towards him and jabbed a finger into his tie. "Dan! You are exactly right! And Ryan!" Valera swiveled her self around to face the now startled Ryan.
"Um, yes?"
"I would love to karar!" She smiled hugely at him, and once again felt a little afraid he thought she was crazy. "But first, we have to get Dan talking to Price. You know why Dan?"
Dan's reply was to shake his head uncertainly.
"Because you Dan are good enough! And you know what else? You kinda look like a young David Duchovny. There I said it. And I'm sure some girls like Klingon, because I loved the X-Files!". Valera let this revelation sink in. Dan broke into a huge grin while Ryan continued to stare at her like she was from another planet. Probably Qo'noS.
"And, and…" Valera reached back to her mid-nineties television viewing to continue. "And Price is a forensic pathologist just like Agent Scully! She's beautiful, and smart and if that's not Scully what is? You go be her Mulder Dan!"
"Alright Valera! You're the best!" Dan exclaimed while giving her such an enthusiastic high five Valera was sure the slapping sound could be heard for miles. Then he turned to get up, obviously planning on taking her advice.
"Wait! Dan wait!" Valera grabbed him by the tie. "Like I said you're good enough and all, but first there are some things you should know. Number one, go to the bar and get a glass of water, drink it. You do not want to seem super drunk. Two, after you've consumed the water go to the bathroom. Pee, wash your hands and take a breath mint from the complimentary basket thingy. Are you following me?"
Valera pulled even harder on Dan's tie so they were nearly nose- to- nose. He nodded meekly.
"Good." She continued. "Check yourself for lint, stains, anything embarrassing in the teeth. Then walk out and march right on over to Price and ask her if she's enjoying the party. No pick up lines, no jokes, just make normal conversation."
"And then what?" Dan asked trying to extricate his tie from Valera's grasp.
"And then nothing Dan. That's it. Let her lead things. Just put yourself on her map. No need to overshoot. If she's interested, she'll be interested on Monday when you're sober." With those final words of advice Valera relinquished Dan's tie.
Dan stood up and straightened his now rumpled tie. Then he turned back to his companions and gave them a military salute before heading off in search of water and the washroom.