He can't remember not loving her.
And this is just one of the many things about him she will never understand, he realizes. Even if circumstances were different, this would be the kind of thing she would dismiss as another one of his lies. He can't really blame her, after all. He's dug himself too deep for too long for her to accept that kind of declaration without questioning it. She trusts him on mostly everything else, he knows she does. But she would never believe him if he told her he left paradise to be with her instead. Not when it sounded so sappy and unbearably romantic, even in his own mind.
He stares outside the window of the FBI detention cell and wonders if she has left Texas already. Now that he has seen her, he misses her even more.
In his mind, he has no doubts that the powers at be in the FBI will take their time, but will eventually agree to his terms. They wouldn't have spent so many resources tracking him down just to see him grow old and drinking tea in a sterile compartment. Despite not being at the top of his game anymore, he could at least assess this much.
He closes his eyes and lets his forehead touch the cold window. He did feel stupid for not knowing who Kim – no, Agent Fischer - was the first moment he saw her. If he hadn't been so lonely for so long, if he hadn't longed for some companionship and warmth, he would have spotted her game a mile away. But she had been careful enough not to flat out lie to him, and she did seem like a good woman. She also resembled his late wife. Vaguely. All these elements had been a dangerous combination and, much as he hated to admit, he had felt attracted to her in that brief encounter. It made him realize how much he could be missing out in life if he spent the rest of his days alone on that island. How much he really longed to be with Lisbon again.
Lisbon. How would he ever explain all this to her without messing things up? Should he tell her how he met the FBI woman at all? This unsettles him even more than the prospect of spending the rest of his days in that cell. He feels guilt and shame clutching his insides. He drinks a bit more tea and hopes it goes away.
"I hope you like that blend. I made it myself." He hears Fischer behind him and curses himself for being caught off guard. Again. How the hell did she come in without him noticing?
He turns and watches her as she walks towards him a few more steps, hips swaying gently, heels clicking the linoleum floor. She's looking seductive and dangerous. He flashes her one of his most convincing smiles and tells her it's perfect. She seems pleased with herself. Good. Let her think she's winning the game.
"So, what can I do for you, Agent Fischer?" He asks pleasantly. Her smile widens and she doesn't seem nervous. It irritates him a bit. She should be nervous, if she really knew the mess he can create once he gets out of this cell.
"You can come and work for the FBI." Fischer replies without missing a beat. "… but you've already stated you won't unless we comply with your terms."
"Right." He holds his tea cup and takes a sip.
"Why are you being unreasonable?"
"I'm not." Another sip. And then some silence. If she wants to get him to talk, she needs to do better than that.
"Teresa Lisbon has arrived in Washington sometime this afternoon." Well, that was another way to grab his attention. She's good, he thinks.
"I've got to say I'm a bit surprised she decided to leave so early. I'd expect her to stick around in Texas a bit more. You know, since you demanded her to be here today." She says it looking almost cheerful and he gives her a faint smile. Lisbon would never give up on him and would always be there for him, despite her suggestion otherwise. If she left Texas, it's because she had to. But she would never really leave him. Fischer is still looking at him, trying to read his reaction. So, he continues to drink his tea, looking unaffected. And then some more silence.
"So Patrick, why is it so important that you work with Teresa Lisbon?" He can detect some frustration in her voice now.
"I like to work with good, honest people, Kim" He says her name as he smiles and sees her blush. Score. "… and since we're neither, I thought she was the logical choice. I'm sure you understand." He places the cup on his desk and sees she is a bit hurt by his words and the offhanded way he delivered them. Unless, of course, she's faking it.
"I didn't lie to you. I'm–"
"Of course you didn't. You knew I'd detect it, so you just decided to feed me half-truths instead. It was nicely played, I'll give you that."
She wants to say something, but doesn't seem to have an adequate reply for this. He continues, deciding it is very satisfying to see her squirm a little. Even if it's all an act.
"What I still haven't figured out is why you asked me out on a date. Was that a spur of the moment thing or did you receive specific instructions from your superiors? And if so, how much did that cost them?"
A sudden chill fills the room and he breathes it in, happy to know he can still inflict some damage when he wants to. Unscrupulous as she may have been on the island, she does seem somewhat genuinely offended to be called a whore. He decides he's done insulting her today. That should be enough to put her in her place.
"I won't tolerate insults, I hope you realize that. Enjoy your detention cell. You may be staying here for some time." Predictable, he thinks. Still, amusing, though. She turns to leave, not even bothering to sound pleasant this time.
"I'm looking forward to it, Agent Fischer!" He waves at her back, looking cheerful and triumphant. He doesn't even flinch when the door closes with a bit more force than necessary.
Lisbon, as it turns out, had gone to Washington that very same day, like Fischer had said. He knows he shouldn't be disappointed by this piece of information, but he is. The thought that she doesn't miss him as much as he does is torturing him. What is so important in her life now that she couldn't at least stick around a few days more?
The answer comes in a letter on his third day of captivity. He doesn't waste time being surprised when Cho delivers it and decides to open it on the spot, his hands shaking a bit. He hardly notices when Cho smiles and leaves the room.
Dear Jane,
I hope this letter finds you well. I decided to go back home, since Abbott has made it perfectly clear that I won't be visiting you or contacting you in any way in the near future. In the meantime, Cho has agreed to pass my letters on to you, but I know he doesn't like bending the rules, so I won't be doing this very often. He's doing really well there, so please try not to get him in trouble.
I have been thinking about it for a couple of days now and I still don't understand why you haven't accepted Abbot's terms. He's offering a chance to work with you and keep you out of jail, so why can't you just be reasonable for once? He may not be the nicest guy in the world, but I think we both know he's an honest agent. You may even grow to like him, like I did with Hightower. So please think about what you're doing and stop being so stubborn.
You also don't need to include me in your terms. I have a good, steady job and a nice home, just like you said I would. I even have a warm fireplace and great wine for my guests. And comfy couches too. If you decide to work for the FBI, you can still come visit me when you can. Right? Can you at least think about it?
I miss you again already,
Teresa Lisbon.
Jane takes a moment to reread the letter, committing it to memory. He's very tempted to follow her advice, but he knows he can't. If he accepts Abbot's offer, he will only be seeing Lisbon from time to time and not every day, like he had planned. He has spent 2 years knowing what it's like to miss her every day and he isn't about to waste 5 more playing the long distance friend, watching her date other guys or, god forbid, getting married to some shmuck with half a brain. He wants to –no, he needs to - spend all his time at her side. He can never tell her this without sounding too creepy, though. He will just have to wait a bit more and the FBI will crack. Eventually. He is sure of it.
Luckily for him, he doesn't have to tell her this much. The days spent in detention remind him a bit of his days at the mental hospital. Strangers peeking outside the door, the occasional visit where he gets to parrot the same things all over again, plenty of food, books and tea. But now he has a few Lisbon letters too to help him get by. And that makes all the difference in the world.
He stays put and does nothing for 3 months. The FBI doesn't seem to mind one way or the other. I occurs to him that maybe they just don't care as much as he thought. Although he doesn't want to admit it, he's starting to see the flaw in his plan. Time is a relative thing. The FBI has all the time in the world and he doesn't. Following this train of thought, if he spends more time away from Lisbon, he may actually crack before the FBI does. This alone is enough to make him restless and, much as he hates to admit, he feels he is starting to lose his cool. Maybe if he agrees to change the other terms, they will let him see her again. He is still pondering what to do, when he hears the door opening.
Lisbon.
He sees her but somehow it doesn't feel real. She looks sexy and beautiful. And she's smiling and walking towards him. Maybe he has cracked and gone insane. Stranger things have happened before.
"Hey", she says it quietly, almost timidly. He can sense she wants to touch him, give him comfort, but she keeps herself in check. She always does. Maybe this is real, after all.
"Hi." He can't muster anything better than that so he just smiles, drinks her in and hopes she's not a dream.
"You're the most stubborn, arrogant ass I've ever met. You know that?" If she is trying to sound insulting, she is failing miserably, because she can't stop smiling at him.
"I know, but you're here now, ar..." Before he finishes, she is squeezing the life out of him, hugging him so fiercely he thinks he might pass out. She has never initiated a hug before and this means more to him than he can ever explain. He hears someone sighing profoundly and realizes it's him. He would normally feel embarrassed for exposing himself like this, but he doesn't. She's here hugging him and he's too happy to care how he sounds.
He feels her lips moving against his collarbone, but her voice his muffled, so he doesn't quite catch what she is saying. He pulls away from her and searches her face again, but doesn't let her go.
"The FBI has agreed that I should work with you on cases, but they are not complying with the rest of your terms." – She looks a bit disappointed and she isn't even trying to hide it from him.
"That's ok, I don't need anything else." He squeezes her arms a bit, trying to convey how much she really means to him. But she's not convinced. Stubborn woman.
"Ok, I was really looking forward to that Airstream trailer. But I'll be ok." He concedes.
"No, Jane. This means I have to quit my job, my house, everything I've built in the last 18 months." He opens his mouth to object, but she continues. "God knows I am happy to see you released, but you're giving me no choice here and that's not fair!"
"Lisbon," he takes a deep breath and steadies himself. He has prepared this speech a long time ago, long before he got in that detention cell. "you and I know that you would rather be catching real bad guys instead of DUIs."
"Yes, but…"
"And you don't have to leave your house because we'll be travelling all over the country and you can live anywhere you want. You can go back to your home and your fireplace when we're off cases."
"Yes, but…"
"I…"- He knows it's a low thing to say, but it's not like he is lying. And he is a bit desperate. She ought to know that much at this point. "I… know I'm asking a lot, but I can't do this without you."
He looks at her pleadingly and knows she's already forgiven him for turning her life upside down again. He's slightly disgusted with himself, but not enough to take back what he just said.
"You won't regret it, I promise." He lets his fingers slide down to her hands, trying to be reassuring for once, to ground them both to something solid and less terrifying. They are together again, but circumstances are very different now, he has no clue what is in store for them. All he knows is it's going to be alright, as long as they're together.
"Alright… let's go, then." She sighs, resigned. She looks adorable when she pouts like that, he thinks. He really doesn't deserve her.
She lets go of his hands and he hides his disappointment with a smile. There will be plenty of new opportunities to touch her again, he figures. He shows her the door, excited at the prospect of spending the rest of the day at her side.
"Federal officers, coming through!" He winks at the guards, as if he hasn't been imprisoned for the last three months, four hours and eighteen seconds. As far as he knows, he's the luckiest man in the world.
A/N: Thank you for reading! All this talk about Kim Fischer is shredding my poor jisbon heart, so I had to write something about it.