Shizune's Inadequate Feelings
by KatsyKat aka Suzi
Ever wondered how Tsunade met Shizune and what their relationship is exactly? Here's some insight to our hard working right-hand woman to Konoha's Hokage. VERY Minor spoilers episode 253.
Takes place after Sakura defeats Sasori and meeting with Shizune and Tsunade on the balcony of the Hokage tower to discuss the team that will go to the Heaven and Earth Bridge to meet Sasori's spy. Episode 253, I think.
Shizune left the Hokage and Sakura on the open deck of the Hokage tower. She was careful to be casual, but her suggestions to the Hokage had been ignored, once again for the younger girls opinions and Shizune was quite agitated.
She quickly stormed though the hallways to her small apartment adjacent to the Hokage's. Her anger was apparent in her hastened steps, thin lips, and clenched fists, causing other tower personnel to dart quickly around her.
Shizune thought herself far above petty feelings like jealousy, but more and more she was beginning to resent the over-emotional girls influence over the Hokage, as the blonde ignored Shizune more and more for the teenager.
When the child first came to Tsunade, Shizune was surprised that the blonde had agreed to take the young nin on as her second apprentice. Tsunade hadn't trusted anyone but Shizune for years and years, and it was strange to see the changes that meeting Naruto and agreeing to become Hokage had rendered in her teacher... her friend.
Even Shizune had to admit that many of the changes Tsunade had made in the past few years were good.
Although she still enjoyed her sake, she was much lighter on the bottle.
And maybe she was disorganized and a horrible gambler – but Tsunade had tempered these bad habits considerably more in the past few years than in all the time Shizune had known her before that. As a result, Shizune found herself razzing Tsunade more out of routine, than need.
Shizune took a deep calming breath and ran her fingers through her short plain hair. A dark thought of how much prettier Sakura's hair was, crossed her mind before she could stop herself. Before she could cast it from her thoughts, she felt the slump in her shoulders.
Sure, anyone could tell the girl was prettier than Shizune. Even with her large forehead, her short hair was always full and balanced. Nothing like Shizune's own painfully straight and thin hair.
Sakura's eyes were also much more lovely. Her large green eyes could be piercing or passionate. Nothing like Shizune's own unrevealing muddy brown pools.
Even Sakura's complexion was better... her skin a creamy color while Shizune's was rough and patched with calluses and scars.
Shizune frowned, hating the negative slump she couldn't seem to get herself out of. It was very unlike her. One of the things Tsunade had told Shizune... even it was ages ago, was that her strength lie in her wisdom beyond her years and experience...
Shizune personally prided her emotional control. She prided herself on acting calmly and professionally at all times. Never allowing personal feelings to affect her work.
Yet, Konoha, seemed to thrive on the exact opposite. Shizune would never believed a ninja village to be so... emotional all the time. It was unprecedented – it was really insane. Why would the leader of a village like that allow it? There was too much instability in allowing ninja's control of their missions based on emotions.
And why wouldn't the Hokage listen to Shizune's level-headedness now?!? When it was obvious that the Hokage's own emotions were not to be trusted.
It was an insane idea to allow Naruto to dabble in missions that brought him so close to the Akatsuki. Shizune was only thinking of the blonde's safety... well, and that of the village, of course. It was just so frustrating to have Tsunade throw out her suggestions like that... it was...
As she turned a corner, she saw the two elders Tsunade disagreed with the most. They saw Shizune and, like vultures, closed in on her dark mood.
The woman claimed concern for Shizune's dark expression and bid her tell them what had upset her.
Shizune's logical side knew that she shouldn't create any more strife between the Hokage and these two, but she just wanted her side to her heard, and she really did feel like Tsunade was being reckless.
So she spoke to them about her master's plan, and was not surprised when they dismissed her quickly after hearing the situation.
Shizune was overwhelmed with instant regret. She had seen the calculating looks in the elders' faces.
She quickly turned to seek out Tsunade. Shizune was surprised when she searched a few of her favorite spots, and had to return to the tower deck to find her.
Was Tsunade so bothered by the situation, that she felt the need to stay here and think for so long?
Just as Shizune called out to her master, the elders rounded the other corner, calling for the blonde's attention.
Long after a very awkward meeting – a more awkward apology, and a crazy load of work that she knew Tsunade had dumped on her to vent her frustrations, Shizune returned to her apartment.
Most of her immediate anger over the situation spent, she opened and closed the door civilly before kicking her shoes off so hard they bounced against the wall.
She was still bothered by the favoritism Tsunade showed to Sakura. Even in her training, Tsunade had pushed the pink-haired genin much harder than she ever did Shizune.
Sure, Sakura had mastered a lot of the things she had tackled faster than Shizune, although Shizune was a very quick learner. Sakura was better at the chakra-strength control – rivaling even her master, while Shizune had never quite got the knack of it.
"Argh!" Shizune let out a very uncharacteristic growl of frustration.
Thinking some tea would help sooth her depressing thought process, Shizune when to the kitchen and began boiling some water.
She could be the adult here. She always had in her and Tsunade's friendship – despite the fact that Tsunade was much older than her.
Shizune sat at the table as she recalled when she first met the vivacious blonde...
Shizune always thought of that day as fate. She didn't normally go to the market on the weekends. It was too crowded for her taste. But she had decided since it was such a nice day – she would look to see if the venders had gotten any new seeds she could plant.
Spring had just begun. What was believed to be the last snow had melted two weeks before, and it was warmer than it had been in months. Shizune loved to garden; one of the only things she remembered sharing with her late mother. She owned a small cottage plot a few miles away from the village and enjoyed living on her own, even though she was only 13.
Since her father had died only a few months before, she had decided never to marry. She didn't need the inconvenience of a husband ordering her around, or taking her right to her family's land.
Despite her private nature, Shizune was well-known throughout the village because of her many herbal remedies and minor first-aid treatments she kindly offered for free.
With her knowledge and mature attitude nobody thought to question her age or the idea that she could survive on her own.
Shizune smiled, taking in the good weather on her stroll through the village's main street, she passed the bar. It was not an establishment she was familiar with, so she almost continued on without so much as a glance, until an unruly group of men caught her attention.
They were leering over an unresponsive woman, poking her and arguing about which would 'take her home'.
Tsunade hadn't yet begun using her appearance jutsu. Passed out, Shizune thought the woman was in her late thirties. She was an absolute train wreck. She looked to have hit the bottom of the bottle and the bottom of the barrel all in one night. Shizune would find out much later that Tsunade had lost terribly at a drinking/gambling competition with a dozen members of the local Yakuza (Shizune wasn't even aware existed).
The woman's clothes were torn and dirty. She'd obviously not changed them for a long time. Her blonde hair actually looked brown at first appearance – hanging in thick oily strands from her thin face.
Picking on the less fortunate was one of the few things Shizune was passionately against, and she quickly took the matter into her hands.
Threatening the men with poisoning their next meals and telling their wives/mothers/sisters (both things she was capable of though neither would she actually do) they quickly left the two women alone. It was then that Shizune realized she had no idea what to do next. She couldn't well leave her in the street.
Frustrated for not thinking to have the men help her bring the woman to her cottage, Half-carrying/half-dragging the woman home.
Shizune did become a little concerned when none of her smelling salts would wake the woman. Making her as comfortable as she could, Shizune tried until late in the night to revive the blonde. Fearing she might simply never wake up, Shizune tended her for hours with many remedies, until she finally fell asleep, kneeling next to her only bed, in which she had placed the woman.
She awoke to the feel of steel against her neck and a vice-grip in the hair at the base of her neck. Only the most desperate desire to live, kept her calm enough to answer the scared woman's questions.
The blonde had awoken was obviously frightened at not remembering how she had gotten there. Broken, tired, and lost, Tsunade was still a ninja. After a short moment, Tsunade (as she finally introduced herself) released Shizune and the two found they got on quite well.
Tsunade showed Shizune how to better some of her potions and poultices. And Shizune taught Tsunade about many of the local herbs and the care she took in growing each different one.
Shizune invited Tsunade to stay as long as she liked, but it wasn't much later when they had to leave her childhood home.
Tsunade would have left earlier if she'd known the problems it would cause for the innocent girl, Shizune knew that. But neither could predict the venom with which the yakuza began harassing the blonde for the money she lost.
They went as far as to threaten Shizune, who had done nothing wrong, and since Shizune wouldn't hear of Tsunade hurting anyone. Finally after weeks of verbal abuse and vandalism, Tsunade offered for Shizune to travel with her.
Tsunade was a ninja, but she never talked about it until they were forced to leave. She offered to train the girl in the ways of the ninja, although she first warned her that she had never taken on a student.
Shizune had never been bitter towards Tsunade that she was chased from her childhood home. Honestly, she thought it the best turn her life could have taken.
They had been through so much together. Traveling the world... was, at first, exciting. But then when each place they visited, they were forced to run away from in the middle of the night to avoid unpayable debts or worse... Shizune began to think she'd have been better off passing up the blonde from the very beginning.
Still she couldn't help but be grateful she'd met Tsunade.
Shizune, a normally rational and level-headed person, noticed herself rationalizing more than was needed. And it wasn't long before she realized she'd fallen in love with the fiery blonde.
Not that she'd ever told her. The only downfall to locking up your emotions so nobody could see them, was that it made it harder for you unlock them, ever.
The longer she went without telling Tsunade her feelings, the harder it was to consider doing so. And so the flew from one village to the next, until they ended up in the place Tsunade began.
Shizune supposed, she always knew they would have to return. Tsunade had too many ghosts that haunted her from her past.
And so they'd returned, and at first Shizune thought maybe now that they had settled down, she could open up... Perhaps even tell Tsunade how she felt.
But no, it was no easier than he first day she realized her feelings.
But the worst feeling was that Tsunade no longer seemed to trust Shizune. NO longer seemed to need her.
In her daily responsibilities, Tsunade seemed to have forgotten the young woman who found her, passed after being thrown out of a bar, homeless and penniless. Who took her in, helped her heal her emotional scars, and loyally served under her for years.
Pined after her.
Did everything each day so she could be comfortable. And for what?
Every day it was either about the insecure pink-haired or the annoying blonde child. Every mission they are involved in, her shishou turns to these adolescents for guidance in matters they know nothing about!
Shizune had trained for over 20 years under the amazingly strong Hokage, to be what?
She was beginning to think that perhaps Tsunade never needed her at all. And it had gotten so much harder to be level-headed since Shizune had begun to need Tsunade.
Shizune finally came to her senses at her kitchen table as she noticed her tea water was boiling over and the sun had begun to set. She felt... strangely empty, as if she had just realized something she was better of not knowing and still wasn't ready to accept.
She went to her stove, turning off the water. She left it – she no longer felt like having tea. She was going to lie down, and try to sleep off some of this...
She froze as she turned toward her bedroom and found the object of her depressing musings, leaning too-casually in her doorframe.
"Hey." Tsunade said, a soft look on her face.
Shizune immediately schooled her expression to a neutral one. "Everything settled?" she asked in a casual, almost cold, tone.
Tsunade frowned, concern radiating from her posture. "What's wrong?" she asked.
Shizune put on a disarming smile and shook her head.
Tsunade scowled now-angry, her expression flipping from one strong emotion to the next. "Don't lie to me, Shizune. We've been friends for too long."
Shizune nodded. "You're right. We have been friends for too long." She said cryptically, immediately regretting the glimpse into her real feeling the small slip opened.
Tsunade's expression remained dark and her eyes narrowed. She stood above her right-hand woman imposingly; her hard expression demanding an explanation.
Shizune found, that as usual, she couldn't lie to teacher. And while she tried to explain she couldn't help but hate the whiney tone of her voice.
"I just feel like... you don't trust me anymore. We don't talk outside of work. And even there you never consider any of my suggestions... you ignore my advise... yet – yet you..." Shizune trailed off... staring at the ground, unwilling to go any further.
Tsunade softened, as her face filled with understanding. Suddenly it all made sense.
"Oh, Shizune..." she whispered before she was across the room, embracing the shorter woman. "I just... I have to give them the best chance – don't you see? It's like..." she trailed off and then pushed Shizune an arms length away to look her in the face, "It's like it's Orochimaru all over again – and I remember how angry I was when they wouldn't let us search for him. How both Jiraya and I couldn't stand living in a village that had forsaken our closest friend." Tsunade pulled Shizune in for another hug. "I... I can't have them feel like that. I can't let them understand the despair... And then if they left..."
Tsunade tightened her hold on Shizune taking a deep breath.
"They should be able to hold onto hope. And not be old, depressing creatures like the one's we've turned into."
Shizune scoffed. "You feed their emotions to motivate them, but what happens if they fail? It'll be that much harder for them to accept defeat."
Tsunade shook her head. "They can't fail. They're the future."
Shizune heard something falter in her best friends voice. It was the first time Shizune had seen a crack in her friends normally perfect composure.
"And we only have the past? Shizune asked with a deepening dread, until she felt Tsunade's hand under her chin, forcing her to look up to the blonde's seductive smile.
"How about the present?" Tsunade asked in a low voice.
Shizune saw her opportunity and stood up on her tip-toes to kiss the taller woman full on the lips, keaving her eyes open enough to catch the happy surprise in the woman's honey-colored eyes.
Finally satisfied, Shizune closed her eyes and deepened the kiss, delighted when Tsunade responded in kind.
Maybe she did have something Sakura didn't have after all...
the end
Thank you for reading this story. I hope you enjoyed it.
One small request: I am most unsatisfied with the title of this, but couldn't think of anything better. If you have any idea's I'd greatly appreciate an unattached opinion. Thank you!