Let It Be Me
I'd always been a loner, everyone said. They'd assumed, what with my past, that that fact would never change. I had a few people I would call friends, and they'd already accepted the truth that, no matter what, I'd always be what I am. I had always been okay with it; with my silence, my incomplete words, my meaningful stares, and somehow everyone else was fine with it too. Never had I thought that a day would come when I'd regret my silence.
You were the first person I'd open up to, you were the first one who looked through my walls and saw what no-one else did, you were the first one who'd be willing to help, and the first one who actually would. You were the first one to stand up for encouragement, and the last one to sit back down and that made you the first one I'd think of in the morning, the last I'd think of at night…You were the first one I actually fell so deep for.
You were my first, you always had been... for so many things.
And somehow, I'd always assumed that it'd stay that way. I'd always thought that I could give it time, and take it slow. Silence had always been my best weapon, but it turned out to be my worst enemy, in the end. Because, silence made sure that you be the first one to break my heart, and the last one I'd fall for. Ever.
It succeeded in the quest. I never felt anything likewise the feelings my heart bore for you, Hillary Tatibana. And nothing was like the pain I'd suffered when I saw you run into Tala's arms that night. Because that was the day I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces, that lay so miserably on the floor that I didn't have the courage to even look at them, let alone pick them up and join them into one. And just like how you were the first one to make me feel loved, you were the first to actually teach me the meaning of a broken heart… the first one who had made me regret every single word I had never said, the first one who'd made me repent who I really was; a loner.
Would things have been different if I weren't a loner? If I could go back and change everything, tell you all the words which were left unsaid, will thing be the same as they are? Now, I will never know.
Do you know what's worse? I can never find it in myself to actually hate you for all of this. You keep on being my first at everything, and I keep on letting you. Always there for me, you still are, but it was different after that night. There's a nagging feeling inside of me, it keeps on surging and surging but there never seemed to be a stop to it; envy. You're what I want, and what I can't have; all wrapped up into one. You aren't mine to take. You belong to someone else. You belong to my best-friend. The person I thought was my best-friend till he went on and took you from me. And, you wanna know something even more worse? It never stopped me, that feeling. It was just an addition to how I already felt about you –which I realized would never change—and it never stopped me from giving you what you wanted, what you needed, what you boyfriend could never give you.
Would Tala let you use him? Like a toy, when you'd be bored, would he let you play with him till you found something better? Would he let you fool around with his heart? Give it nursing, only to break it all the more? Would he let you mess with his head? Let you force him up all night, let you make him dream about you in his sleep and then keep him thinking about you while he was awake as well? Tala wouldn't.
And I had let you use me, till Tala wasn't around. I'd let you inside, before you had forced you way out so brutally, and I'd let you in my mind, every walking minute and every unconscious second. Tala didn't know you like I did, Tala didn't see you like I did, Tala didn't feel for you like I did, Tala could give you everything, and it still wouldn't be enough. I knew what you were and I knew what you wanted….
I could be whatever you needed me to be…and all the things you'd make me regret, I was sure this wasn't one of them.
XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX
Don't be harsh, please….All the angst that keeps coming out must've something to do with how the summer's ending *sigh*
Hope you guys liked it…