Friend is a Four Letter Word
To me, coming from you, friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word, that I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
~ Cake
"Alex, you don't have to do this."
Alex ignored her sister, continuing to consider, and discard, outfit choice after outfit choice. Part of her wanted to listen to Kara, and forget this whole thing. But she had agreed, and she figured that cancelling would make her look even more pathetic than she already did?
"It's fine Kara. I said I would go, and I am going to go. It will be fine." If she repeated it enough, maybe it would eventually be true.
No longer content to remain on Alex's bed, Kara walked over to Alex and grasped her shoulder, turning her sister away from the contents of the closet.
"You don't seem fine," Kara insisted. "I've seen you put less thought into what you were going to wear on actual dates. Are you sure this whole "friends" thing is really going to work?"
Alex gave a defeated sigh, before squaring her shoulders. "No. But I figure I have to at least give it a try."
"Why though?" Kara asked, her confusion clear. "You don't owe her anything." Alex could hear the rare thread of anger in her sister's voice.
"I know I don't," Alex replied wearily, pinching the bridge of her nose and rubbing lightly to try to ease some of the tension headache she could feel building. Truth be told, if she had it to do over again, she probably wouldn't have agreed to this pool 'date' with Maggie. The brunette had caught her in a moment of weakness. Finally finding out where her father was, only to find him gone again by the time she got there, had left her feeling adrift. Facing the loss of one more person she cared about had seemed too much. So she had agreed when Maggie made her plea that they remain friends.
Alex shook her head in an attempt to bring her thoughts back into focus. "I need to move past this, Kara. I need to regain some of my control over the situation. I made such an idiot of myself, throwing myself at someone that was obviously uninterested, that I need to prove to myself, to her, that it wasn't a big deal. That it was just a silly crush." Alex had been doing her best to convince herself of that since Maggie had first rejected her. She was sure if she just kept at it, she would eventually believe it. She had to.
"If you say so," Kara replied, her skepticism easy to detect. "I just don't want to see you hurt by this anymore than you already have been. You deserve to be happy, Alex, and this doesn't appear to be making you happy." In fact, Alex looked positively miserable, and had for over a week. Kara knew that some of that was due to Jeremiah's situation, something Kara still felt guilty over, but the start of Alex's unhappiness could be traced straight back to the day Maggie had first rejected her.
It had taken every ounce of her superhuman strength not to seek out Maggie that day and avenge her sister. Alex very rarely showed her emotional side, and Kara could count the number of times she had seen her sister break down in tears on one hand. Jeremiah had said it best; Alex had always been too strong for her own good.
Alex smiled wanly and gave Kara a brief hug, before pulling back. "I'll be fine Kara, really." Alex decided to ignore Kara's remark about being happy; she was starting to believe that just wasn't in the cards for her. She had briefly thought there was a chance with Maggie, but that notion had been swiftly disabused. "Besides when would I really have time to date anyway? It was silly to even think of pursuing something right now. I barely have time to shower, let alone maintain a romantic relationship. That is a big part of why I haven't been on a date in over two years," Alex joked, hoping to elicit a smile from her sister. Like with most things in her life lately, she was disappointed.
"Alex…"
Alex held up a hand. "It's fine Kara. Really." Alex shrugged. "Besides, I could probably use a friend anyway. I realized that I don't really have any."
Kara frowned. "That's not true. You have James and Winn, J'onn."
Alex laughed sardonically. "J'onn is my boss, not my friend, and Winn and James are your friends, not mine." Alex turned back to the closet, effectively ending the conversation. "Now c'mon, help me pick out an outfit that doesn't make me look like I'm trying to impress her."
Kara wanted to continue to press the issue. She was concerned that Alex would use the situation with Maggie as an excuse to not only continue to ignore her personal life, but to write it off entirely. However, she recognized that they had reached her sister's limit for the topic, and she didn't want to push her so hard that she retreated even further.
Kara peered over her sister's shoulder. She pursed her lips and squinted her eyes at the content. "I think you are worrying over nothing." Kara finally concluded. Alex turned to her in confusion. "It is clear from the contents of your closet that it has been over two years since your last date."
"Jerk," Alex muttered. Kara didn't miss the small smile that curved the edge of her sister's lips.
"Danvers! You made it. I was beginning to wonder." Same bar, same pool table, same bad music in the background. Maggie was wearing her same after work outfit of tight jeans and a leather jacket. Her hair was in the same loose and messy style, her dark brown eyes held the same teasing twinkle, and her cheeks were creased by the same adorable dimples. Nothing was the same.
Alex forced a smile of greeting and continued her journey towards Maggie. The normal happy flutter of anticipation in her belly at seeing the other woman had been replaced by a cold, heavy dread; her previous humiliation playing on a seemingly endless loop in her mind. The kiss and rejection. Her emotional outburst in the car park. Over and over, she had to relive her weakness. This was a bad idea. She never should have agreed to this meeting.
It was too late to back out now though. As much as it pained her, she was going to have to grit her teeth and make it through this. She refused to show the detective any more of her soft underbelly. She would prove to the other woman that her rejection of Alex was no big deal; barely a blip on her radar.
"You know how it is," Alex replied with a shrug. "Got tied up at work." It wasn't a total lie, and Alex no longer felt she owed Maggie the whole truth.
She felt Maggie's eyes on her appraisingly before the brunette finally nodded, accepting her answer. "Well I got you a beer, but it may be a bit warm now." Maggie grabbed the bottle off the edge of the pool table and held it out.
"Thanks." Alex replied, reaching out to take the bottle. Without saying anything else she turned away from Maggie's gaze and made her way over to the rack of pool cues. She could feel the other woman's gaze follow her. She knew she was still acting stiff and uncomfortable, and she was going to have to settle her nerves if she hoped to convince the other woman of just how unaffected she was. Taking longer than she ever had before to select a cue, she finally made her way back to her companion.
Maggie was looking at her, concern evident in her expression. "You okay, Danvers? You seem a little off."
Alex bit down her instinctive, smart ass reply. "Just a long day, long week really, at work." Which was an understatement. Maggie didn't know about her father, and while Alex would have likely told her about it a week ago, that openness was gone. She was done spilling her personal feelings to the detective. Maybe they could eventually be friends, but Alex intended to maintain her emotional distance. They could get together occasionally, play a few rounds of pool, swap a few war stories about work, but that's as far as Alex was willing to go.
Maggie smiled sympathetically. "I know that feeling." Maggie set down her beer bottle and began to gather and rack the balls. "You wanna break?"
Alex laughed, the first genuine moment of amusement she had felt all evening. "Considering the point of the break is to actually scatter the balls, don't you think I had better?"
"Hey, my break wasn't that bad," Maggie cried, indignantly.
Alex raised one eyebrow skeptically. "It really was," she insisted, nodding her head. "Maybe if you ask nicely I'll agree to help you improve your game. You can consider all the money you're going to lose to me as payment for your lessons."
"Gee, you are just all heart, Danvers."
Alex shrugged innocently. "I figured it was the least I could do." Once Maggie finished racking the balls, Alex leaned over the table, all her considerable focus on the cue ball in front of her. Cue met ball with an audible crack and she managed to pocket two balls. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.
And it wasn't. Alex still wouldn't say that she was enjoying herself, but her almost weekly pool games with Maggie had settled into an uneasy sort of normal. At the end of their first game, Maggie had asked if she wanted to do it again next week. Alex didn't really want to say yes, but she couldn't think of a good reason to say no either, so she had agreed. That pattern repeated itself for the next two months.
They would get together, drink a few beers, play a few games of pool. Alex would try, in vain, to improve Maggie's game, and they would part at the end of the evening with a tentative plan to do it again next week. Work had gotten in the way a few times, but Maggie would eventually send Alex a text to arrange the next game. Maggie always made the plans for the next game. While Alex couldn't manage to turn down the invitations, she refused to extend them.
She also made sure to keep the conversation as impersonal as possible. She was sure that Maggie noticed the change. The detective had tried a few times to engage Alex in more personal conversations, but Alex was always quick to change the subject. Maggie usually respected her conversational pivot. Usually, but not tonight it seemed.
"C'mon, spill the details Danvers, how has it been going?" Maggie prodded.
"I'm not sure I know what you are talking about," Alex replied, trying to play dumb. She knew exactly what Maggie was talking about.
Maggie rolled her eyes. "Don't bullshit me, Danvers. Girls. Dating. How have you been finding life since your revelation?"
Alex took a healthy swallow, okay more of a guzzle, of her beer to buy herself some time. This was quite literally the last thing she wanted to talk to Maggie about. She was always careful to steer conversation far afield of anything remotely relationship related. They say time heals all wounds, but so far Alex hadn't seen any evidence. Her feelings for Maggie were just as strong, if not stronger, than they had been in the beginning. She had gotten better at hiding it, at least she hoped to hell that she had, but the feelings were definitely still there.
"It's mostly the same." And it was. Alex still worked too much, and didn't have the time, or inclination to date. The only thing that had changed, was that she now had a yearning for more. A yearning that she would not be able to satisfy.
Maggie narrowed her eyes and regarded Alex critically. "Really? You don't find dating women at all different from dating men?"
Alex shrugged, and took another gulp of her beer, averting her gaze. "I haven't exactly had time to do much dating," Alex finally admitted when it was clear Maggie wasn't going to let the subject drop.
"Define 'not much'," Maggie persisted. Alex sighed. Maggie just wouldn't let this go.
"None," Alex finally replied.
"Danvers!" Maggie cried. "You have been out for two months and you haven't gone on any dates?" Maggie shook her head sadly. "That just won't do. How can you figure out what you like if you don't test the waters?"
Alex bit back her retort that she didn't need to date around to know what she wanted. She knew exactly what, and who she wanted, but that person didn't want her. Alex shook her head, refusing to let her mind wander down that path again. "You know how the job is, Sawyer. I'm always either at work, or being called into work. The one free night a week I manage to carve out for myself I usually spend here, with you." Alex cringed internally, fearing she had once again revealed her true feelings, but Maggie seemed unaware of the true meaning behind Alex's statement.
"Well that's going to change Danvers. Next week. You. Me. The Oasis."
"I still can't believe you agreed to this," Kara said with a shake of her head. Alex was at her sister's apartment helping her pack for an upcoming trip to Metropolis. Yet another thing that Alex was doing her best to not think about.
She had been strongly tempted to cancel her plans with Maggie, but she figured if she was out at a bar, that would at least provide some distraction to keep her from brooding over Kara's leaving.
"I couldn't think of a good reason to say no without revealing my true feelings." Alex knew that Kara still didn't fully approve of her continued relationship with Maggie. Alex had tried to convince her sister that she was well on her way to being over the brunette detective, but this recent development had set that effort back to square one. As much as she had tried to keep her failure to get over the other woman to herself, she had to tell Kara about this latest setback.
Kara paused in her packing and sat down on the bed next to Alex, who was laid out on her back, staring at the ceiling. "Are you sure you don't want me to postpone my trip? I'm sure Clark can handle it alone for a few more days," Kara offered, resting a hand on Alex's knee.
Alex smiled at her sister. "Thank you, but no. It sounds like Clark really needs your help. I'll be fine, I promise. I mean, people manage to stay friends with people they have crushes on all the time. Look at you and James. And you and Winn. And you and Mon El."
Kara sent her sister a narrow eyed, playful glare. "I think I get your point, thanks."
"I'm just saying, I'm a big girl, and I'll get through this, just like I have been getting through it for the last few months."
"That's my point though. You shouldn't have to 'get through it'. If the only thing you are getting out of this is unhappiness, what's the point in continuing it?"
"Why do you continue hanging out with Winn and James?" Alex asked defensively.
"That's different."
"How is that different? Because you were the one doing the rejecting? You're doing the same thing to them that Maggie is doing to me." Seeing the hurt look on Kara's face, Alex immediately felt badly about her outburst. She hadn't meant to take her anger out on Kara, but the upcoming outing with Maggie, coupled with Kara leaving for an unspecified amount of time, had her on edge. Her control over her emotions frayed and stretched.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"
"No. You're right," Kara cut her off with a frown. "It is the same thing."
Alex sat up and wrapped her arm around Kara's shoulders. Her sister was sporting the wounded looked that never failed to stir Alex's protective instincts. She hated that she had been the one to put it there; it was hard to kick one's own ass.
"It's not. You and James, and you and Winn, were friends for a long time before any romantic feelings cropped up. Maggie and I barely knew each other." Alex smiled encouragingly. "Besides, I think both James and Winn have moved past all that."
Kara continued to frowned, looking far from convinced. "Maggie probably thinks the same thing about you."
Alex smiled wryly. "I'll get there. Eventually. I just have to give it more time." In truth, Alex had serious doubts about this, but she didn't want to further burden her sister at the moment. She needed to focus on her upcoming mission in Metropolis with her cousin, she didn't need the distraction of Alex's disastrous love life. "Besides. Like me, James and Winn are grown ups. If they were truly not able to move past their feelings, it's on them to either accept what type of relationship you are willing to offer, or if they can't, to move on. It's no different with Maggie. I know you're determined to make her the bad guy here, but it's not her fault she doesn't like me the same way I like her."
Kara pouted. "I don't like seeing you in pain."
"I know the feeling." Alex gave her sister one more one armed squeeze before getting up from the bed. "Now come on, you have to finish packing so you can go save the day. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine, I promise."
So far Alex was anything but fine, and since the night had barely started, this was not a good omen for the evening ahead.
Who could blame her though? Alex had somehow managed to forget, or more likely block from memory, just how good Maggie looked when she was trying. Not that she didn't always look good from Alex's point of view. Alex thought she was stunning in whatever she wore, but there was no denying that she was even more breathtaking this evening.
Since they were going to the club, ostensibly so they could meet women, each was wearing clothing a bit fancier than their typical Saturday night outfits of jeans and t-shirts. Alex was having a hard time not staring at the expanse of leg that Maggie's tight fitting dress exposed. She was also having a hard time controlling her heart rate, and forming coherent sentences.
"You still with me Danvers?" Maggie asked with a half smile and a tilt of her head. They had agreed to meet outside the club, and Alex realized she was supposed to be answering a question, which she could no longer remember, thanks to the aforementioned expanse of leg.
Alex shook her head slightly, hoping to re-gather her scattered wits. "Sorry. My head is still on some work stuff." Alex could only hope that Maggie would buy that excuse for her vacant stare.
"Well it's time to leave work behind for the night. You have a different, and much more pleasurable objective this evening." Alex forced a smile to her face, and allowed Maggie to grab her by the wrist and start dragging her to the entrance. She had made it a point to avoid all physical contact with Maggie since the kiss, and the reason why was brought into sharp focus as she felt her body respond to even this innocent touch.
Trying not to draw too much attention to the action, she lightly shook of the hold, and reached into her clutch to retrieve her ID. Presenting it to the doorman, she followed behind Maggie and got her first glimpse of the Oasis; one of National City's most popular lesbian clubs.
She wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but as she glanced around the room, Alex realized it wasn't all that different from any other club she had ever been in over the years. The music was too loud, the lights were too low, and there were far too many people crammed into the small space. Alex could hardly believe she used to spend almost all of her free time in places very similar to this. Before the DEO. Before she had finally found a worthwhile purpose for her life.
"Not quite what you were expecting?" Only years of training kept Alex from jumping when she felt Maggie's warm breath wash over her ear. Such close proximity was a must if you had any hope of being heard over the thrumming background music.
Alex dipped her head to one side and shrugged. "Reminds me of my misspent youth." Alex finally admitted, letting her gaze pan once again over the crowd. "Well, maybe a bit tamer."
Maggie grinned, dimple flashing and hiked her eyebrows up in surprise. "Alex Danver's a club kid? I never would have pegged you for the type."
"Yeah, well, there's a lot you don't know about me." Not wanting the conversation to turn heavy, Alex motioned towards the bar. "I don't think you ever technically got me that drink you owe me."
Maggie looked like she wanted to continue the conversation, but maybe seeing Alex was done, or perhaps realizing that a crowded club was hardly the place to try to hold any type of real conversation, Maggie let the matter drop. "I do believe you are correct. What's your pleasure?"
"Whiskey." Alex didn't even hesitate. If she had any hope of making it through this, she was going to need some liquid fortification.
Maggie nodded her understanding. "Why don't you try to go find us a table, while I get the drinks." Maggie nodded up towards the second floor balcony. "Saturday's are their busiest night, but there are usually a few tables available up there. The main action is on the dance floor so most people congregate down here by the bar."
Alex agreed, and quickly disappeared into the crowd. Of course Maggie would know the ins and outs of the Oasis. She hadn't been sitting home pining away for someone that didn't want her. She had been going out, living her life, having fun, and meeting new people.
It wasn't that Alex hadn't tried. After Maggie rejected her, and she had her breakdown with Kara, she had done some serious soul searching. Was this just about Maggie? Or was it something more. She had gone over past relationships, both romantic and non, and she realized that if she was honest, it had always been there, she just hadn't been willing to face it. In hindsight, so much more of her life made sense.
She felt like she had spent her whole life pretending. When the other girls had started getting crushes on boys, and could seem to talk about nothing else, Alex hadn't gotten it. Whatever it was they seemed to be experiencing, she wasn't. So she had pretended. She had learned to mimic their response.
Having Kara as a sister had taught her the importance of fitting in. Of blending into the crowd. It was better to not draw attention to yourself, to the things that made you different. So as the years passed, she just kept on pretending, and never really questioned if it was what she truly wanted. Until Maggie.
It wasn't that she had never had feelings for other girls. No, in looking back she could see that was far from the case. There was Vicki Donahue, the high school best friend she had told Kara about when she first came out. She was the first, but she wasn't the last. With new insight, a few college relationships took on new meaning.
She could recognize now that she had feelings for all of them, but none of them had been able to get her to see the truth that was lurking just beneath the surface. Until Maggie. Until finally she felt so strongly that she could no longer deny it.
So with her newfound insight, she had tried to open both her eyes and mind. She could finally acknowledge that she always let her gaze linger a little longer on attractive women. So she looked with more deliberateness, though she did remain mindful not to turn into a staring creeper. But while she could find the women attractive, when she tried to picture herself actually with them, her mind continued to draw a blank. If she was able to finally picture it, it still felt slightly...off somehow.
The relief that she had initially felt after coming out to Kara, after realizing her feelings for Maggie, was gone. She was once again that middle school girl, pretending to understand what the other girls were all talking about when they gushed about the captain of the basketball team. Only this time it was worse, because she did understand, at last partly, because that's how she felt about Maggie.
Reaching the second floor, Alex quickly scanned the area and acquired her target. Not letting anything distract her, she made a straight line to a table tucked into a corner and claimed it before anyone else could poach it. Looking around she saw a few women glancing her way.
She briefly toyed with the idea of letting them approach. That was the whole reason she was here after all. Maybe she should just lose herself in a little bit of harmless flirting. Let an attractive woman, who also found her attractive, distract her from her worries. Take her mind off the fact that Maggie didn't want her. That Kara had abandoned her for her cousin. That she still hadn't been able to find a lead on her father's current whereabouts, and didn't even know if he was still alive. Instead, she adopted her agent face; the one that was guaranteed to keep people at a safe distance.
As tempting as the idea of a little distraction was, she didn't want to have to pretend to be interested in someone. She was so tired of all the pretending.
"There you are, Danvers." Alex swiveled her head to find Maggie standing by her side. The relative distance from the dance floor making something approaching normal conversation possible without having to invade each other's personal space. Maggie placed the tumbler of whiskey on the table and slid around behind Alex to claim the other seat. "Okay, the first thing we are going to have to work on is your look. You are not going to entice anyone to come up and talk to you looking like that." Maggie tilted her head and examined Alex critically. "Is that your perp stare?"
"What? No. Of course not." It was, it so was. Of course Maggie would pick up on that.
Maggie gave her a one-dimple grin and shook her head slightly. "Whatever you say, Danvers." Maggie took a sip of her drink and ran her eyes around the room. "So….see anything you like?"
Alex did her best not to choke on her drink. If only Maggie knew. "I mean...sure. There are some very pretty women here."
Maggie chuckled. "Gee Danvers, try to contain your excitement. You wouldn't want your over eagerness to scare the ladies away."
Alex shrugged. "I don't...this isn't really…" She wrinkled her nose slightly. "I'm not sure this is really my thing, you know? Going out, looking around, and just picking someone based on appearance."
Maggie gave her an amused look. "We call that dating."
Alex glared playfully. "That's not what I meant. It just feels weird. What, am I supposed to find someone I think is attractive and just….walk up to them?"
Maggie laughed. "You are precious, Danvers. Simply precious." The detective took a sip of her drink. "But basically, yes. I mean you can sit on the sidelines and hope someone approaches you, and trust me, if you drop that death glare, they will."
Alex wrinkled her brow. "I just haven't ever had to...do that."
"It's a whole new world." Maggie glanced around again. "So what's your type?"
You.
"I don't think I really have a type," Alex admitted. "I've been looking at my past relationships with a new filter, and I realize that I have….had feelings for….all types."
Maggie bumped her shoulder into Alex playfully, sending a jolt through her system. "You've been holding out on me! Spill the details. Why is this the first I am hearing about this, we've been hanging out for months."
Alex smiled tightly, more a wince really. There was a time she would have enjoyed going over her self-discovery with Maggie. Now the idea held no appeal. The thought of sharing something so personal with the other woman just left her fearing that she would leave herself exposed and vulnerable.
"It hasn't really come up." Alex shrugged it off. "Besides, I don't like dwelling on how oblivious I have been all these years," Alex admitted, self-deprecatingly. That was true at least. One thought that wouldn't leave Alex in peace was the idea that if she had simply figured herself out sooner maybe she would have actually had a chance with the beautiful detective. Maggie had implied as much, but maybe she had just been letting her down easy. The regret of what could have been, if only, gnawed at Alex relentlessly.
"Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone figures things out in their own time." Maggie caught Alex's gaze, and gave her one of her warm smiles, the ones that still sent Alex's pulse fluttering. "Now quit stalling, and point out someone that catches your eye. We need to get you in the game and off the bench."
Alex felt a flash of anger. Why did Maggie have to press this so much? If Alex didn't feel like going on the prowl, and would rather just sit and observe, what was it to the other woman? What was her investment? Then realization struck.
"Look, I think I'm just going to sit here and get my bearings a bit, finish my drink." Alex motioned down toward the dance floor, "but don't let me put a crimp in your plans for the evening. You don't have to sit here and babysit me if you would rather….you know." Alex couldn't quite bring herself to actually say it.
Maggie frowned and shook her head. "That wasn't what I was…."
"Really. I'm fine." She wasn't fine, the thought of having to sit and watch while Maggie flirted her way through the club was already twisting her stomach. But she had already started down this path, and she couldn't turn back now without looking like a fool. "Go. Have fun. I'm a big girl." Alex forced a laugh. "Besides, people may get the wrong idea about us if we spend the whole night side by side."
Maggie looked like she wanted to argue, but didn't. "If you're sure?"
Alex wasn't sure. She wasn't sure at all. "Of course."
"Okay," Maggie finally relented. "Just send me a text if you need backup." With one last probing look, almost as if she wasn't sure about her decision, Maggie stood up from the table and made her way back out into the crush of people.
Even though she knew it was a terrible idea, Alex tracked Maggie's movements. Luckily, or unluckily, she was able to take in the vast majority of the club from her vantage point, so following the brunette's path was not at all difficult. No, the difficulty came when she saw Maggie make her way to the bar and start chatting with an attractive blonde.
Alex couldn't help but remember that Maggie's ex had been a blonde. She took a swallow of whiskey, fingers so tight on the glass it was a good thing she didn't have Kara's super strength. Something the blonde said must have been funny, since Alex caught the flash of Maggie's dimple. Another swallow of whiskey.
She knew she should tear her attention away from the scene playing out at the bar. There was no way this was going to have a happy ending for her. Why was she putting herself through this torture? She tried to rationalize it. Maybe it was a form of immersion therapy. Expose yourself to the thing that most upsets you, until you simply become immune. So far, it didn't seem to be working.
When the blonde leaned in to whisper something into Maggie's ear, the glass Alex was holding was in danger even without super strength. Alex grit her teeth and went for another drink, only to find her glass was empty. Setting it on the table with an audible crack, she continued to stare fire at the couple by the bar.
When she saw the blonde grab Maggie by the hand, and start to drag her to the dance floor, Alex finally reached her limit. What the hell was she doing? Why was she sitting her, eating her heart out, and watching the woman she had feelings for flirt and dance with other women? What was wrong with her? Pushing herself away from the table, Alex made her way determinedly towards the stairs. This ended now.
As Alex made her way through the airport she wondered if she had made the right decision. Last night her plan had seemed perfectly logical, but in the harsh light of morning, hopping a red-eye and flying across the country to Metropolis was starting to seem like a bad idea fueled by anger and alcohol.
She hadn't even told Kara she was coming. She just knew that she had to get out of National City. She needed some distance, as well as time, to clear her head. She had gone straight to the DEO after she left the club, prepared to lay out her case to J'onn. Convince him that even though Superman still wasn't super keen on accepting help from the DEO, Kara was her sister, and she refused to let her face the situation in Metropolis without support.
Her argument hadn't been needed. J'onn had understood, and agreed to let her take an unspecified amount of leave. J'onn understood the importance of family.
So Alex had grabbed her go bag from her locker, and boarded the first flight out. Maggie may not want her, but there were people out there that did. Instead of wasting her time moping around like a love sick teenager with her first crush, Alex should be doing something useful. Helping Kara and Clark in Metropolis, or continuing the quest to find her father. Maybe going to visit her mother, she hadn't been home in a while, not counting her quick pit stop when she and J'onn had been on the run. Anyting.
Her phone vibrated with a new text alert, but she ignored it. She was pretty sure she knew who it was from, and she had no intention of responding, just like she hadn't responded to the last ten messages. As she approached the rental car desk her phone dinged again, and yet again as she joined the end of the line. Alex continued to studiously ignore the device as she dug around in her carry-on for her sunglasses. She really hoped that she hadn't forgotten to pack them.
Her phone started to vibrate incessantly in her pocket. "Oh for fucks sake…" she grumbled as she reluctantly dug her phone out. A quick glance at the screen had her eyebrows shooting up in surprise.
"Kara? Is everything okay?"
"I was going to ask you the same thing," Alex looked around her surreptitiously; had Kara somehow figured out that Alex was in town?
"Everything's good with me," Alex replied instinctively. She wasn't sure why she was trying to dissemble, she was going to have to tell Kara the real reason she had decided to follow her to Metropolis eventually. She was just so used to pretending everything was okay, that it was an ingrained reflex.
"Really?" Kara questioned skeptically. "How did last night go?"
"Fine. Good. It was good. Everything went okay."
"You sure about that?"
Alex frowned. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Then maybe you can explain to me why I just got off the phone with a very concerned NCPD detective? Apparently, she has been trying to reach you since last night and hasn't been able to get in touch with you. She is half convinced you are dead in a ditch somewhere."
Alex rubbed her eyes wearily. "Son of a….She shouldn't have called you….What did you tell her?"
Kara laughed. "I told her not to worry, that you had fought many an alien menace and lived, and I was sure you could manage to find your way home from a bar….or from someone's apartment."
"Kara!" Alex cried. "You did not say that to her. Tell me you didn't say that!"
"I absolutely did." Kara dropped her voice slightly. "Why, did you?"
"What? No, of course not!"
"That's too bad."
"Kara…" Alex said warningly.
"Well it is. You need to get out there and live your life Alex."
"I know, I know. I'm trying."
"So what did happen last night? If you didn't find some hottie to take home with you, why the disappearing act? And the radio silence."
Alex smiled tightly and rubbed at the building tension in her forehead. "Well I didn't find someone to take home, but she did. As I sat there, watching them, I decided to finally take your advice."
"Aw Alex, I'm sorry."
"It's fine."
"It's not fine dammit!" Kara countered angrily. "Stop saying that you're fine, that the situation is fine. It's okay to be upset, it's okay to admit that this really, really sucks. You have the right to be angry, Alex."
"I know. That's why I finally decided you were right. This whole...situation..with Maggie and me just isn't working. As I sat there last night, turning myself inside out watching her flirt with some woman at the bar, I realized I didn't have to do this. So I left."
"I'm proud of you, Alex," Kara said sincerely. "Where are you? I feel the need to give you a hug. Clark can hold down the fort without me for an hour. In fact, I think he overestimated his need for my help in the first place. I think I will tell him I am going to go home. You shouldn't be alone right now."
"Kara I appreciate the offer, but you don't have to do that."
"No, you're my sister, and you need me. This is more important."
"Really, you don't have to," Alex insisted.
"If you say you are fine I swear…" Kara let the threat trail off.
Alex laughed. "No. I promise, I feel kinda like hell actually. Not fine at all." Alex shook her head. "But you don't have to fly all the way to National City just to give me a hug."
"But I want to." Alex could hear the pout over the phone.
"How about flying to Metropolis International instead?"
"What?" Kara practically squealed.
"Don't be mad. I know you told me you didn't need my help, but last night, after the bar, I knew I needed to get out of the city and do something, anything, useful. So it was either come help you and Clark fight this crime wave sweeping the city, or go home to Midvale and help Mom probably clean the gutters or something. So you won. Barely."
"Alex, I'm not mad. You know I love working with you." Alex did know that, or at least she thought she did. When she was feeling at her lowest, she often recalled the things that Kara had said while under the influence of the red kryptonite and she couldn't help but wonder if there was more truth to her sister's statements then she let on. "I am on my way. See you in a minute."
It was actually two minutes, but before she could even move up one more place in line, she was being wrapped up in Kara's crushing embrace.
"Kara. Can't. Breathe," Alex managed to gasp out.
"Sorry, sorry," Kara apologized, loosening her stranglehold. "I'm just so happy to see you."
"Kara it has been like a day and a half since we saw each other."
"Still. It's felt like too long." Kara looked at the seemingly unmoving line. "C'mon. You don't need a car, I'm sure Clark or Lois can arrange something if you really need a car."
Alex frowned slightly. "Are you staying with them? I didn't even think to ask, and my decision to come here was last minute to say the least. I need to get a hotel room or something."
Kara waved off her concern. "Clark has kinda a base of sorts here in the city. Someplace he can go and coordinate all his superheroey stuff without cluttering up his and Lois' apartment. I have been crashing there and you can just stay with me. It will be fun! Almost like camp."
"You hated camp," Alex reminded her sister.
"Well this is like super hero camp, so it will be fun," Kara insisted, refusing to let her sister dampen her enthusiasm.
"Well then, lead the way camper Danvers."
"This place isn't half bad," Alex admitted, taking in her surroundings of Clark's man, well, Superman, cave. "I mean it's not DEO, but it definitely has some appeal to it."
Kara laughed. "Well Clark is a one man operation, he hardly needs all the resources at the DEO's disposal."
"Well he's technically a two-man, now three-man, operation."
"Only for a little while though."
Alex gave sister a searching look. "You don't feel tempted?"
"Tempted to what?" Kara asked in confusion
"To join Clark here, in Metropolis, permanently." Just like the red kryptonite episode, Kara's more recent desire to leave National City to join her cousin, was still weighing on Alex's mind. She hadn't wanted to add to her sister's burden, but Alex had worried that her sister's decision to help Clark, would turn out to be a bit more than temporary.
"Of course not," Kara insisted immediately. "Were you actually worried about that?"
Alex shrugged. "You were considering it not all that long ago."
"Briefly. Before you reminded me that we work much better together than apart." Kara shook her head. "I have no intention of leaving National City, or you. I promise." Kara looked at her sister pointedly. "So….."
"So?" Alex questioned, tossing her bag onto the floor and settling into a nearby chair.
"Are you going to let Maggie know that you're alive and well?"
"Wasn't planning on it," Alex admitted.
"I think maybe you should."
"Are you not the same person that has been telling me for months that I don't owe her anything?" Alex knew she would probably have to contact Maggie at some point, but she was hoping to put if off for as long as possible. She doubted the other woman would let her just fade off into the sunset, so any permanent parting of the ways was going to have to come with some form of explanation. And Alex was so sick of exposing her emotional weakness to the detective.
"And you don't, but Detective Sawyer strikes me as the persistent type, and I would rather not have to keep dodging her calls if she is unable to get in touch with you."
Alex rolled her eyes and huffed dramatically. "Fine." Digging her phone out of her pocket she swiped to activate her screen. Shit. Over 20 missed messages from Maggie. Before she could give into the temptation to read them, she deleted them, unread.
She typed out a quick message, "Still alive. Called out of town on work. Busy.," and hit send. She hoped that would be enough to satisfy Maggie's curiosity about her whereabouts, and also keep her from contacting her again.
"Okay, that's taken care of, now let's see what kind of trouble we can get into."
As it turned out they were able to get into quite a bit of trouble, but after almost two weeks, it was time to go home. For Alex the time away had been a much needed respite. She hadn't realized how much the forced friendship with Maggie had been wearing on her. She still missed the brunette detective, and thought of her often, but the ache in her chest had begun to fade. She had gotten so used to it, she hadn't even realized it was still there until it slowly started to heal.
But it was time to go home. National City needed Supergirl. Alex needed to get back to her real work. Helping Clark and Kara fight the mysterious wave of crime in Metropolis had been a nice diversion, but it hadn't had anything to do with aliens, and Alex missed her day job.
Maggie had sent her a few messages, but Alex has managed to brush her off with claims about how busy work was keeping her. She was still hoping to delay that confrontation as long as possible. Part of her hoped the detective would simply get sick of getting the brush off, and Alex not having time for her, that she would stop calling. Alex had no plans to contact Maggie once she was back in National City, and while she felt a little guilty about just ghosting out on Maggie, she needed to start doing what was best for herself.
She had three days back in National City when her luck finally ran out.
"So you are back in town." Maggie's voice rang out accusingly. Alex stopped in her tracks. She had expected Maggie would find out she was back in town and contact her. She hadn't anticipated that woman would show up at her apartment and wait for her outside.
"Yeah, I got back a few days ago," Alex admitted, fishing her keys out of her pocket and unlocking her door. Maggie didn't wait for an invitation, and simply followed closely on Alex's heels as she entered her apartment. "Come on in." Alex muttered to herself.
"That's all you're going to say to me?" Maggie demanded, arms crossed tightly across her chest.
Alex looked at her in confusion. "What else did you want me to say?"
"Maybe something about why you just disappeared on me two weeks ago, and then avoided my texts, and why you appear to still be avoiding me?"
Alex scoffed. "I told you. I was called out of town on a work thing."
"Then why have you been avoiding me?"
Alex threw up her hands and spun away. "I haven't been avoiding you. I've been busy."
"Why didn't you let me know you were leaving the club? I was worried sick about you Alex, you just vanished." Alex felt a twinge of guilt at causing the other woman any anxiety.
"It was a sudden thing, I didn't have time to track you down and let you know I was leaving. You know how it is. When you get called in you have to go."
"And not answering any of my texts?"
"I was busy," Alex insisted stubbornly.
"Cut the bullshit Danvers. I'm not a detective for nothing, something else is going on here, and I would appreciate you just being honest with me."
Alex took a deep breath. It appeared the moment was finally here. Alex just hoped she could get through it as quickly and painlessly as possible. "Fine. You want the truth?"
"That would be a novel concept, yes."
"This," Alex motioned her hands back and forth between the two of them, "friendship, or whatever it is, isn't really working for me."
Maggie frowned, looking crestfallen. "I thought we were getting along pretty well. I thought you enjoyed hanging out the last few months."
Alex laughed bitterly, no trace of humor in the sound. "Well I haven't been. And I decided to finally take my sister's advice, something I probably should have done from the start, and just say no."
Maggie shook her head slightly. "I don't understand."
Alex's anger finally boiled over. She swore she wasn't going to do this again, but after weeks of suppressing her feelings, Maggie's genuine confusion as to why Alex may be upset broke the last thread of control she had on her emotions.
"For a detective ,you really are remarkably clueless. Let me spell it out for you, Sawyer. I don't want to be friends with you, I never wanted to be friends with you, and having to pretend to be friends the last few months, has royally sucked for me. So I'm done."
"Alex I think if we just talked about this…"
Alex held up a hand, forestalling any further comment. "No. This isn't up for discussion. I have made up my mind on this. I am finally realizing that I get to do what's best for me, and I don't have to feel badly about it. These past two weeks without you around have been the best I've felt in months."
The words seemed to slice right through the detective, and if Alex hadn't been so lost in her own emotions, she would have stopped.
"I need to get over my feelings for you Maggie, and I realized that I am not going to be able to do that if we are constantly hanging out. It's like a wound that won't heal because instead of leaving it alone, I just keep poking at it. Constantly reopening it and having to start all over again." Alex shook her head ruefully. "Maybe it's just one of those fresh off the boat things," Alex bit out mockingly.
Maggie swallowed, and cleared her throat. "Well….that's...pretty clear." Maggie shook her head. "I'm sorry Alex I never meant….Well….I guess that doesn't really matter anymore." Maggie made her way towards the door and pulled it open. She turned back one last time. "I guess I'll see you around Danvers."
Alex somehow managed to go a whole week without bumping into the detective. The alien population of National City was being unusually quiet, and no cases had cropped up that would cause the two to cross paths.
Alex had almost called Maggie more than a few times to apologize. While she still stood by her decision to cut off their friendship, she hadn't meant to be so harsh in her delivery. After her emotions had calmed, and she had remembered some of what she said, she felt terrible. It wasn't Maggie's fault that Alex had been lying to her the whole time, and letting her emotions fester.
Juggling a six pack in one hand and a box from her favorite pizza place in the other, Alex was trying to figure out how she was going to get her keys out of her pocket, when she was startled by another presence in the hallway and almost dropped both on the floor.
"Hey Danvers."
"Maggie? What are you doing here?" Alex honestly hadn't expected to hear from the detective after her outburst last week.
Maggie held up her hands, palms facing Alex in a universal gesture of surrender. "I'm not stalking you, I swear, I just...after last week...I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you said…" Maggie shook her head. "I didn't want to leave things like that, and I feel like I owe you an apology."
Alex stood rooted in the spot. She wasn't sure she was up for this. She thought they had both said all they had to say on the subject, and she just didn't see the point in continuing to beat a dead horse. "Maggie, I've had a long week, and I just don't…"
"I'll be quick, I promise, and then I will get out of your hair and leave you in peace." Maggie motioned to the pizza box and beer. "Here, let me take those."
Alex sighed in defeat and handed the items over. "Fine. Ten minutes." Motioning for Maggie to follow her in, Alex shrugged out of her jacket and draped it over the back of one of the chairs in her kitchen. Making her way around the island, she dug her bottle opener out and quickly uncapped two of the beers, offering one silently to Maggie.
"Time's ticking, detective."
"Right." Maggie said, running her hand nervously over her chin. She began to pace the short distance between the kitchen, and the door to the balcony. "Alex, I have been thinking about what you said, really thinking, and I realized that I may have made a mistake, a big one, and really messed this up."
"When you kissed me, and I realized that you essentially came out to your sister for me, it terrified me. I had just been dumped, again, and you were...so new, so happy, so...full of hope." Maggie shook her head. "I didn't want to be the one to take that away from you."
"Maggie…" Alex tried to interrupt. They had been over all this, and Alex really didn't need to hear it again.
"Please. Let me finish." Maggie ran her hand through her hair and continued her nervous pacing. "I still remember the pure rush of those first relationships I had after I realized I was gay. It was like a whole new world opened up for me, and everything finally made sense. The pure headiness of meeting a new girl, falling for her too hard, and too fast, it was so exhilarating. But as amazing as the build up was in the beginning, the crash at the end, was just as intense. And there was always a crash."
Alex interrupted once again. "I get it, Maggie, you don't need to explain. Really."
Maggie stopped and stared intently at Alex. "No. I do. The thing I forgot, or maybe just never really considered in the first place, is that I came out in high school."
"And that has….what...exactly, to do with this."
Maggie shook her head in frustration. "I'm not explaining this right." She huffed out an annoyed breath and resumed pacing. "I told you that everyone's experience was different, and then, instead of respecting that, I immediately tried to force my experience, and my expectations onto you."
Alex frowned. "I'm not sure I follow."
"I was in high school. Do you remember high school? Everyone was a hormone driven drama queen. I always assumed that the flush of new love, and the agony of each break up was because I was gay, and discovering this whole new world for the first time, but…..maybe I was just a hormone driven drama queen like the rest of them."
Despite the heaviness of the situation, Alex laughed. "I actually had a similar thought not too long ago. I never really...got it...you know? The crushes, and the obsessing over a new relationship, the drama, the angst, the screaming matches in the halls between classes. I used to look at those girls, and wonder what fundamental part of me was broken, because I just…." Alex shook her head, "..didn't get it." She smiled softly, and let out a deep breath. "And then I met you, and it all just...clicked. I finally got what it, and the irritation I used to feel at them being so overly dramatic, finally turned to sympathy."
"Which was my fault," Maggie admitted guiltily.
"It wasn't your fault Maggie," Alex was quick to correct. "You were under no obligation to like me back. I obviously just read you wrong." Alex frowned slightly. "I hope that does get better with time because I am not anxious to relieve that humiliation again." Alex paused. "I am now realizing that I should also be feeling a profound sense of sympathy for all the guys that have approached me over the years only to be shot down or friend zoned. It really sucks."
"You didn't read me wrong," Maggie confessed softly.
Alex, who had been having a silent moment of commiseration for all those men who had the nerve to approach her first over the years, snapped her gaze sharply to meet Maggie's. "Excuse me?"
"I liked you Alex, a lot, and it scared me. So I…"
"So you lied to me? Do you know what I have been going through the last few months? How humiliated and stupid I have felt?" Alex was starting to get angry.
Maggie quickly closed the gap between them and put her hand on Alex's forearm. Alex attempted to jerk her arm away, but Maggie held firm. "I didn't lie to you. I honestly thought it would be better if we could remain friends. I meant it when I said I don't care about many people, and that I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. Problem is, I also couldn't imagine a relationship between us working out either. So I had to choose between a temporary romantic relationship, or a hopefully permanent friendship." Maggie shrugged. "I chose the friendship."
Alex finally managed to extricate her arm and spun away. "Why are you telling me this Maggie? It doesn't change anything. In fact, it makes it worse. Do you expect me to just keep pretending that we don't have feelings for each other while we both date other people? Because I have news for you Maggie, I'm not going to do it.
One of the greatest things about finally admitting to myself that I was gay, and that I had feelings for you, was that I realized I wasn't going to have to pretend anymore. I have been pretending for years. Pretending I understood what other people were talking about when they would gush about a new relationship. Pretending to be excited about going out on a date, when all I really felt was a sense of dread. I am so tired of pretending. I'm not going to do it anymore Maggie, not even for you."
Maggie rushed over and grabbed Alex by the shoulders, turning her so they were face to face. "I'm not asking you to. I promise." Unable to resist, Maggie reached out and brushed a strand of Alex's hair behind her ear. "I told you I am no good at relationships, I always fuck it up. I'm sorry I can't seem to get this right. What I'm trying to say is that you haven't been the only one pretending. I've been pretending too, and I'm sick of it."
Alex felt her heart start to pound against her ribs. Afraid that she was once again reading the situation, and Maggie, totally wrong. She didn't think she was, but then, her track record wasn't really the best in this area.
"What have you been pretending?" Alex asked quietly. She desperately wanted to hope, but afraid to lay herself bare once again only to be rejected.
Maggie brought her hands up from Alex's shoulders to gently cup her face. "I've been pretending for months that it hasn't been killing me not do this every time I see you." Maggie finally closed the remaining distance between them and connected their lips.
At the gentle contact, Alex let her eyes flutter shut. If she was dreaming, Alex decided she didn't want to wake up, because this was everything that she had ever hoped to feel in a first kiss. Maggie's lips met hers with a gentle insistence, there was no battle for control, no hoping it would hurry up and end. There was just a profound sense of warmth and rightness.
Angling her head slightly, Alex stepped closer, both to increase the contact and pressure, and to wrap her arms, now that she had regained use of her motor functions, around Maggie's lower back to draw her closer. She wanted to make sure that the smaller woman wasn't able to get away. She had never felt like this before, and she didn't want it to end.
It did end though, Alex was a little hazy on the exact time, when Maggie finally pulled back slightly. Very slightly, since she only pulled back enough to rest her forehead against Alex's. Her hands remained cupping Alex's face, and she ran her thumbs back in forth in a comforting motion.
"Months, huh?"
Maggie laughed softly. "Couldn't you tell."
Alex shrugged, and tipped her head slightly to the left. "Well I am rather new at this…."
"Well I'll be happy to show you the ropes," Maggie answered quickly. She pressed a quick kiss to Alex's lips before pulling back a bit more. "Which is what I should have said months ago, instead of telling you it wasn't my thing."
"So you aren't going to force me to go to clubs and try to pick up women anymore?" Alex taunted. She was half joking, half seeking reassurance that Maggie was really serious.
Maggie groaned and dropped her head onto Alex's shoulder. "I was such an idiot."
Alex nodded in agreement. "You really were. That wasn't really the greatest experience for me."
"It wasn't really a picnic for me either," Maggie assured her. Alex frowned. Well able to remember the blonde at the bar, and Maggie's eagerness to follow her onto the dance floor. "What's the matter, why did you go all tense?" Maggie pulled back once again so she could meet Alex' gaze, and rubbed her hands lightly up and down Alex's arms.
"You looked like you were enjoying yourself."
Maggie frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"The blonde, at the bar, I saw you," Alex said softly, the memory still bothering her, even though she knew it had no right to. She and Maggie hadn't been dating, the detective didn't owe her anything. Hell, Alex still wasn't sure if they were dating now, or what the rules were. Maybe Maggie would want to keep it casual, see other people.
Alex started to pull back, to free herself from Maggie's loose embrace, but the detective matched her steps, and stayed close. "What is it you think you saw exactly?"
Alex shook her head. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter. It's none of my business anyway." Alex's emotional retreat was in full effect.
"Well technically you're right, at the time, it wasn't really your business, but I would like it to be your business in the future, and I don't want whatever it is you think you saw, getting in the way of that."
"Really. It's fine." Alex was glad that Kara wasn't here to give her hell for saying everything was fine when it wasn't.
Maggie looked far from convinced. "Well even if you don't want to ask, I'll tell you anyway. I met an old...friend...at the bar, and she offered to buy me a drink. I declined. She wanted to dance, and tried to drag me onto the dance floor, but I wasn't really in the mood, so I excused myself and went back upstairs to find you, but you were gone."
Alex dropped her gaze, refusing to meet Maggie's eyes. She felt like an idiot. A jealous, insecure idiot. Maybe Maggie was right to not want to get involved with her.
"What is going through that beautiful head of yours Danvers? I can see the wheels turning," Maggie prodded gently. When Alex still refused to meet her gaze, Maggie reached out and tipped her chin up, forcing eye contact.
"I'm just not used to feeling so…..jealous," Alex finally admitted. "I am almost thirty years old, I should be past this by now."
Maggie laughed, a dimpled grin creasing her cheek. "Oh if only jealousy had an age limit." Maggie ran her hand softly over the back of Alex's head in a soothing caress. "How do you think I would have reacted if you had actually selected a woman out of that crowd and gone to pick them up?" Alex shrugged. "Let's just say it would have been a good thing I didn't bring my gun to the club."
"Going to the club was your idea!" Alex cried, indignantly. "Wasn't that the whole point of going there?"
"I think we have already covered the fact that I'm an idiot," Maggie quipped. "I clearly wasn't in my right mind when I suggested that plan." Maggie winked playfully, eyes sparkling. "Or maybe I was just looking for an excuse to see you in a dress and heels again. You really do clean up nice Danvers."
Emboldened by the affection glowing from Maggie's eyes, Alex leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Maggie's smiling mouth. "Well next time you have the urge to see me in a dress and heels, maybe come up with a plan that doesn't involve trying to throw me at other women."
"Yes ma'am," Maggie promised, before leaning in to claim Alex's lips once more.