Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. It is property of Kubo Tite.
Author's Note: See at the end.
Warning: Spoilers ahead. Also, not extremely romantic RenRuki.
Compromising
The first thing he notices about his bride-to-be is her smile. Or lack thereof, actually. He is breathless, as any groom should be, but not for the right reasons. Kuchiki Rukia is beautiful, yes, −she has always been the most beautiful soul to ever grace Soul Society− yet her beauty doesn't steal his breath away. It is the sad smile she's wearing, and her downcast eyes which make him feel as if he had been punched in the gut by a strong hollow. He isn't smiling either.
No one seems to notice, though. This is the wedding of the century, after all. Kuchiki Rukia and Abarai Renji, fellow lieutenants and childhood friends, are finally getting married. Their wedding also comes just after the war that had decimated almost all Shinigami. It is supposed to be a joyous occasion. Such an occasion should bring them all together. But Renji isn't feeling it, Rukia sure isn't feeling it, his Captain seems like he is of the same opinion, and Rangiku-san looks at him as if she also knew something wasn't right (She was always more receptive than anyone he knew).
This isn't right.
Maybe he is just imagining things, maybe it is an after-effect of Ywach's warning, which had never stopped haunting Renji, −even after all this time, it's always at the back of his mind−, and yet this doesn't feel like a wedding. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Rukia should be smiling, and he should be grinning back at her, and everyone should be cheering, and certain friends should be present. Their wedding shouldn't feel so solemn, so stuffy, so melancholic. And in all honesty, Renji just wants to bolt and hide in the Rukongai. Visit his long lost friends' graves. Ask them for advice. (Did they ever see their friends eventually getting married? He wants to ask, even though he knows only the wind would answer).
When Rukia is finally standing next to him, Renji tries to find strength in her eyes, as he has often done before. However, her gaze is far away, concentrating on something that is out of Renji's reach. He feels back at square one. His bride remains a bright star, the moon, all breathtaking, and magnificent, and wonderful, shining in the sky, near enough for him to see, but far away from his reach. And he is just a wolf, barking at her, never near enough to reach her, to tell her he is here.
To make matters worse, she is wearing white.
White is certainly a color that goes well with her. Her zampakutou is of the purest of white, and her bankai is of the same color. White is the color of brides during the ceremony, before they change for something more vibrant for the reception. Brides always wear white. But this color washes away all of her essence. Rukia doesn't look like her colorful self. She looks submissive, resigned. Everything she is not. Because Rukia is fierce, intelligent, charismatic, kind, brave, compassionate, creative, and so many more things. Rukia is a dark violet, similar to the color of her striking eyes, when she's being serious. Rukia is pink, and yellow, and blue, and red, and all the colors of the rainbow in all different aspects of her personality. Sometimes, she is dark as her hair, when she is angry or when she is fighting. And yes, she can be white, but not this kind of dull white, which is painfully reminiscent of a time Renji almost lost her.
Rukia was wearing white when he got her back. However, he didn't get her back of his own accord, he had to be pushed by someone else. He fears that, had not been for that person, she would have really lost Rukia. Renji is sure he still needed to do a lot to make it up to her for the way he treated her, for the way he willingly let her get imprisoned, let her get killed. After all, wasn't he the one that had taken her back to the Soul Society for this very purpose? It didn't matter if she had forgiven him, he hadn't forgiven himself. Until his very last breath, Renji knew he would pay the price for almost letting her die. He still needed to make amends.
But was marrying her right when she looked like she was going to be executed one more time?
Does he even deserve to be happy?
These questions loom in his mind, so badly that he doesn't realize it is his turn to say his vows until Rukia sharply nudges him.
He falters.
Renji believes that no one in the Soul Society, the Human World and Hueco Mundo combined deserves to be happy more than Kuchiki Rukia. If there is but one soul in the whole universe who deserves unlimited happiness, is her. She won it by being so selfless and pure. By sacrificing so much for people that didn't even deserve it. After all the trials and tribulations she's been through, she deserves to be crying tears of joy, not suppressing sighs of melancholy. It doesn't feel right to marry her knowing that the prospect of spending the rest of her life with him doesn't bring a smile to her face.
It's also not right to marry her, when he doesn't feel very happy either. And it is not because there is no love between them. Gods know he has loved her deeply since they were children, probably from the same moment she appeared in his life saving his ass in the process. But he hasn't always known how to love her. Renji isn't sure if he knows how right in this moment. And Rukia loves him. She certainly cares for him, and enjoys being with him. Yet, it isn't a love that will move mountains, dry oceans, break rules, or change governments. It is a love that just exists as it is. No fairytale, no star-crossed lovers, no love-conquers-it-all kind of deal, despite what everyone thinks. A love not passionate enough to burn, to consume. Not a fated thing.
With him, Rukia would never get her happily ever after, and Renji is starting to find out he won't either (Ywach's warning reappears in his tumultuous mind.)
He is about to cancel the whole thing, consequences be damned. He wants to give Rukia the best love in the world, but he now realizes he can't. But, just before he opens his mouth to speak, he finally catches her eyes. The melancholic Rukia is gone, and he finds a renowned strength in those eyes. She is no fool. She knows what he is planning to do. And she is telling him not to do it. Rukia knows they will never be truly happy. She knows they might both be losing something that they will never get back if they get married now. She knows there are gonna be mishaps, and problems in every step of the way. But what of it? They can make it together.
Sure, this won't be the love story to outshine every love story in this world. But they can find a happiness of their own in a marriage that is more about companionship than passion. The war broke them too much to wish for more than they already have. A part of them will never be the same. They are not ready for the type of love which requires a full sacrifice of the soul, the kind in which you give everything. But they can give each other bits and pieces of what's left. They can get better if they are together, like they've always been.
Renji isn't so scared anymore. Rukia has got his back.
He nods and says his vows.
For the first time, both bride and groom smile at each other and the crowd cheers.
They will keep moving forward.
A/N: Ever since the Bleach finale, I haven't been in the mood to write anything Bleach related. I was not very happy with what we got, and I have so many questions that might never be answered. In my personal opinion, Kubo could have done better. But he's not much of a writer, as he is an artist. I get that. However, I still feel played at. I defended him for years, and even if he says he knows what he was doing, I don't believe him, because it doesn't seem he actually planned ahead, in the way he claims he did. But the past is the past.
Honestly, as much as I love Bleach, I have loved this little manga for years, I am still disappointed and wish Kubo could just let it die. When I heard about the RenRuki novel, at least I thought Rukia, my favorite character, and Renji, another favorite of mine, would be vindicated. After seeing the cover, I guess not. To begin with, Renji should have been there, right next to Rukia. Rukia should not look so nostalgic and melancholic. The title is giving me a headache, trying to decipher what it even means.
Now, I am not saying this only because I ship IchiRuki. Few know this, but when I first started reading Bleach I was a hardcore RenRuki shipper. Not surprising when Rukia is my favorite character, and Renji was then a close second. I am not angry that RR is canon. I just wish we had seen more examples of Rukia loving Renji, in the same way we always saw Renji's feelings so clearly. I believe both characters deserved as much. I had hoped that the novel would show Rukia in love with Renji. In my mind, if both were to get married, they should be extremely ecstatic. Rukia shouldn't look downcast…
Maybe it's because Kubo does love drawing Rukia with a sad smile (I believe he said it once), maybe it is a cultural thing that the bride shouldn't look over the moon, maybe it is my shipper mind playing me tricks… I don't know. All I know is that Rukia and Renji, and many more characters deserved better, and this little ficlet is my way of at least making sense of Rukia and Renji. Because, if Rukia looked so sad, Renji wouldn't marry her. And I don't want to think Rukia would go back to her old ways and do something that makes her unhappy, just to save someone else.
Perhaps Kubo intended for the ending to be bitter sweet, so that's why I made their marriage sort of a compromise, to not be lonely, to move forward. They love each other, so that should be enough to achieve a certain amount of happiness. Or that's how I see it going. It's not romantic, but it felt real to me.
This isn't my first time writing RenRuki, although I generally write it more tragic than in this one-shot. I also find that RR is easier for me to write from Renji's POV, a POV I don't do often. I hope I didn't write him too OOC given the situation.
Is this my last Bleach fanfic? Not at all, I have some IR fics coming, and maybe an Ishida-centered fic as well (another character who deserved more than what he got). Is this my last RenRuki fanfic? I can't say for sure. I won't promise anything, but in the future I might write more about them. Just, no one ask me to write IchiHime, because your petitions will be ignored. That's probably the only couple, as well Aizenxanyone, that I won't write ever.
If you made it through this long ass author's note, I want to thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this little fic of mine. If you didn't, you can tell why calmly, without bashing, in a review. Criticism is always welcomed, but it must be respectful.
Thanks again, and see you later!