I know I should be in bed, but I'm not tired.

This is kinda related to the 100th episode, and on rumours about next season.

Enjoy!

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"Inside my heart is breaking,

My make-up may be flaking,

But my smile still stays on"

(The Show Must Go On – Baz Luhrmann's 'Moulin Rouge')

Promises are quite often hard to keep. Sometimes you'll promise you'll do something or promise someone something in the spare of the moment, and then thirty seconds later think, 'no way in hell can I actually stand by that'. Then the one sole thing you can think about is what will happen when; not if; when you break that promise. You imagine that person's face when they realise you haven't stood by what you've said. You imagine the anger and disappointment that you believe will follow. You imagine the way trust will be lessened after that. You imagine your friendship dissolving after you continue to make unkept promises. You imagine all the alternate scenarios, all the 'what ifs'. What if I'd thought before I'd spoken? What if I'd promised something I could actually follow through with? You imagine all these things happening, when in reality, none of these may happen at all. They may pass unnoticed. But whether or not it will actually happen, the idea that it could, eats away at you. Churns you up inside to the point that you fear the day ahead of you. Promises are quite often hard to keep; though they are quite often achievable.

Mine was.

They're achievable if you want them to be; if you put your mind to it. If that promise is the one thing you set your mind to, it is quite simple. Sometimes they weren't for your own benefit. Sometimes they were for the happiness of another; a loved one. You get to the point that it doesn't matter if you shatter your own heart in the process, as long as they're happy. As long as they keep their trust in you. You get to the point where their wellbeing is more important than your own.

I don't believe in much; but in that I did. I'd had my happiness, now he should get his.

I'd made a promise. I'd made a promise in two simple words; and those weren't 'I promise'. Words that could be said in everyday conversation with a completely different incentive. They can be said in recognition. In understanding. There are so many ways in which those two words could be said, though the way I'd said it, wiping tears from my eyes, had been more binding than any other way. As binding as a formal contract, in just two words. Two words that kept me awake at night, tossing and turning; wondering how those words had tied me to a promise I didn't want to keep. A promise that would break me; though I wouldn't dare let it show.

Two words.

'I know'.

At the time it had been a way of agreeing with him, admitting what I had known, but buried, for quite some time. It wasn't until hours later, when I'd laid in bed, feeling numb all over, what I'd just committed myself to. I'm promised, without realising it, that I gave him my blessing to move on, to find someone else. It was like saying I was okay with it! But I'd let it pass, thinking he'd realise that I hadn't been promising anything. I'd just been expressing my understanding in what he was saying.

He hadn't realised.

And then there was Catherine. It was then I realised my mistake in thinking he'd understood. And then she went; after a short-lived romance. After that I thought I couldn't have to keep to my promise after all. That is was just a passing moment. It wasn't. Yes, she had left.

Shortly followed by him.

I know I am the one to blame for our parting ways. I started the whole 'I'm sick of the murders' façade. If I hadn't signed up for that dig, he wouldn't have gone off to train newbies, and I wouldn't be in this awful, awkward and heartbreaking situation right now.

I'd waited for a year. I'd pushed myself to forget; failing. Then I'd waited at the coffee cart; keeping a much easier promise. I'd bought our two usual coffees and sat down on a bench and waited. I'd placed them aside when I'd first seen him, searching through the early morning crowd. I'd smiled more brightly than I'd done in a year. I was happy. I'd clung onto his jacket tightly as his arms wrapped around me in greeting.

Then he'd introduced her.

He'd turned to her and pulled her closer to his side. "Bones, this is…." I didn't even hear her name. The moment he'd looked at her the way he used to look at me, I'd blocked it all out. I'd nodded, not letting my smile falter for even a moment. I could feel my stomach churning, as it began to eat away at itself, almost instantly. The feelings you get when you break a promise you'd tried so hard to keep crept up at me; I was vulnerable. Though that wasn't the case at all. I hadn't broken a promise; I'd kept a promise I never wanted to keep in the first place. A promise that he could move on, move on from us, and I would be okay with it.

I wasn't okay with it.

But he wouldn't know this. I couldn't do that to him; not after all the damage I'd already done. I would put his wellbeing, his happiness, ahead of mine. I appeared happy as they talked about how they'd met and how brave and strong 'her Seeley' was. I tried to block out the agony inside of me. I tried to get rid of the desire to punch this girl square in the face. I tried not to resent him for having the courage that I didn't; the courage to move on from the known, from the safe.

So, that leads me to here. Sitting on a bench by the reflecting pool, talking to the happy couple while resisting the urge to run off and let all the tears fall. I could do this. For him I could do this. For him I could keep my promise; no matter how much I despised it.

"I'm happy for you, Booth," I said smiling, hiding my heartache.

As promised.

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Please review and let me know what you thought.

Em xXxXxxx