\Warning: This story is rated Mature. Do not continue reading if you are easily offended by curse words, substitute curse words, sexual themes, innuendoes, excessive violence, drugs, drug use and descriptive violence.
Second Warning: Do not continue reading if you are a hardcore Harry Potter fan and believe that he is real (not Daniel Radcliff but the character he portrays; Harry Potter). Do not continue if you don't like people poking fun at Harry Potter or any other character, or the world of Magic.
Third Warning: Do not continue reading if you are the type of person who believes that the poster on your wall of Harry Potter speaks to you at night and tells you to burn things.
Fourth Warning: Do not continue reading if you don't have an imagination or a sense of humor. Do not continue reading if you have a life.
Fifth and final warning: Do not continue if you are the type of person who believes that a person should follow the book, exactly how it is, because I certainly don't.
Rating: Mature; 18 years old and up.
Reasons: Excessive violence, low level curse words, drugs and some sexual themes.
Prologue: Beginning opening thingy
"The only way this plan is going to work is if the stupid little boy agrees. If he agrees, then my plan will work flawlessly. Everyone knows that Dumbledore would never harm a child!" Voldemort is speaking to his cohorts while he's trying on some wigs.
Worm tail bows before Voldemort. "But my lord, Dumbledore died a while ago. His twin brother is now in charge and by the looks of it, Dumbledork is ready to snap."
Voldemort drops one of his wigs and quickly turns to Worm tail. "Really now? We could use this to our advantage. Not only will we be getting rid of Dumbledork but we'll also get rid of Draco! MUWHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort plops down into his Lazy Boy arm chair and props up the leg rest and begins slurping on a Big Gulp.
Bellatrix bows before Voldemort. "My lord, believe me that I am not trying to challenge your word but I doubt my sister would like that idea."
Voldemort cocks his head towards Bellatrix and stares her down with large eyes. "Woman! Can't you see I'm trying to watch the game?!" He points a long skinny finger at the plasma screen TV. he has mounted on the wall. "God…all you want to do is talk. Yak yak yak yak yak!" Voldemort sinks lower into his arm chair and stares intently on the TV.
HARRY POTTER AND THE NO BLOOD PRINCE
Chapter 1: The president's Oral office
Inside the office of the prime minister, a man worridly paced around in his office.
"Oh my gosh, where is he…where is that fat bafoon?" The Prime Minister rushes over to his desk and grabs the bottle of whisky and takes a quick swig of it. As the tip of the bottle is about to leave his lips, the window behind him breaks and a fat man comes crashing through. "What the devil?" The man who crashed through the window stands up quickly and wipes off the glass from his jacket.
"Jolly good show Old bean!" The fat man burps. The fat man smacks his lips and pulls out a flask from his butt and takes a swig.
"Minister Fudge! What took you so bloody long?! I've been patiently waiting for you!"
Fudge looks around the office to find that the curtains have been cut from scissors, red writings on the wall saying, "I'm very unpatient" and sees a knocked out guard on the floor. "Yes, I see that you have been waiting. Now any ways…" Fudge drunkenly walks towards the Prime Minister. "I'm here to tell you…um…what was I here to tell you?" He takes another swig of his flask.
The Prime Minister begins shaking Fudge. "You fat-cake! You're here to explain to me why all hell is breaking lose in our world!" Fudge has a blank look on his face. "Now explain yourself!"
Fudge snaps back to reality. "Oh yes, the reason why all hell is breaking lose is because of the dark lord Voldemort is causing problems."
"Isn't he the one that no one dare says his name?" Asks the Prime Minister.
"Who?" Fudge is looking in his flask for more alcohol.
"Voldemort!" Fudge shudders at the name. "Damn it man! You just said his name a couple of seconds ago!"
"Who?" Fudge smacks his lips.
Chapter 2: Snape has a home?
In some smelly slum located 2 miles off of Manhattan, New York. Two cloaked figures manifest out of thin air.
"Cissy! Watch out!" A flash of light spews out of the hooded woman's wand. Far off in the distance, the green flash makes contact and a giant explosion that could be seen from neighboring Maine.
"You idiot! That was just a small beggar child!" The other woman proclaimed.
"Whoops…" She walks over to the crater and drops a coin in the beggar child's decapitated hand.
"Bellatrix!" Bitched the other cloaked woman. "Severous' home is over here!"
Bellatrix's ears cock back and she begins to look around randomly like a dog trying to find out where the ball was thrown. Bellatrix hops out of the crater, taking the coin that she placed in the hand and follows after her sister.
Narcissa, a.k.a Cissy, quickly and quietly run up to Snape's door. Looking around to see if anyone else was around, begins to loudly bang against his door, yelling to open up. Snape slowly opens up the door. In a ravishing tone, "It's about time my pizza boy got here." He pauses and notices Narcissa and Bellatrix. "oh crap…it's you."
"Yes it's me, now let me in your perverted snake!" Narcissa pushes her way through.
"Hey Snape." Bellatrix leans in, slaps Snape, curtseys, then walks in.
Snape quietly closes the door and strides over to his gigantic lazy boy and pop's a human finger into his mouth and lights it.
"So what do I owe this visit to?" Snape says as he takes a puff from his finger-rette.
Narcissa begins to cry. "Snape, I need a favor from you…" Snape's eye brow raises. "I need you to…" Snape presses his finger against her lips.
"Say no more." Snape smiles as he slides his finger down her lips and to her neck. "I know what you need." Snape claps his hands together and a hidden CD player appears and starts playing soft music. Snape claps again and his gigantic lazy boy chair transforms into a bed. He does a quick spin and hops onto his bed. "I know why you and your sister is here." He rips open his robes to expose his pierced man nipples and he quickly rubs one. "For me." He says with a devilish smile.
"Wait a minute! That's not what we wanted Snape!" Narcissa stands up, mad.
"Oh really?" Snape says with an 'innocent' look on his face as he pulls a cord. Then all of a sudden, thousands of jello packets fall from the room and hit Snape. Snape begins to "bathe" in the packets, blowing into a whistle. Narcissa is confused as hell and Bellatrix is clapping her hands. Then Snape snaps his fingers and 20 armed midgets appear and begin hitting Snape with foam rubber bats. After an hour of this retarded crap, Snape is laying in his bed with a finger-rette in his mouth, sweat dripping down his face, Bellatrix hands are on fire from all of the clapping and Narcissa is confused as hell for having seen all of that. "Feel better?" Snape speaks after a while.
"I do!" Bellatrix hops up.
"No! That didn't help a single thing! Nor did it solve any problem or will it solve any problem is beyond me! Never do anything like that again! And for the author of this stupid stories, never write anything like that again! EVER!" Narcissa takes in a deep breath. "The real reason why I came was to ask you to talk to the dark lord and ask him about not letting my dear son, Malfoy, from performing that dark task!" she begins to cry.
"My dear," Snape runs his hand through Narcissa's hair. Then quickly slaps her. "Who do you think you are? You can not ask the dark lord of such a thing! That would be like asking Jesus the Christ to turn body parts into bread and blood into wine! Such nonsense! If that could happen, then there would be drunk bread people running around!"
"But my boy! I love him to much." Narcissa begins to cry.
"Yeah! It's her boy! I don't love him to much but I need a reason to cry too!" Bellatrix begins to cry.
"You two are such troopers!" Snape begins to cry. They all hug each other and Snape sneakily coupes a feel off of Bellatrix butt but quickly retracts his hands in depression. "Not the same as a boy…"
"What was that?" Sniffled Bellatrix.
"Nothing dear…" Snape dries up his tears. "I guess I could perform the dark deed." Snape stands up.
"Really?" Narcissa stands up, wiping a tear away. "You would really do that for me and Draco? I mean, if you do this, you will be in the dark lord's good graces again!"
"Huh…I didn't think about that! I was going to do this as long as Draco would be my 'page' for a while but your idea is better!"
Bellatrix begins to hop up and down screaming, "And we shall all dance in a pudding pool of despair and enjoy the magical life of ham!"