England wasn't one for semantics. He knew a bit of French (he could shove away France with a reason every time he was told "Je veux t'enculer"), and sparse German and Spanish, but he didn't see a need to learn a completely new language. English was dominant in the world: 53 countries deemed it the official language. It was a must as a second language in many places. No, there was no need for him to learn a new language.
So why the hell was China so adamant on teaching him Mandarin?
"It's useful, aru," he had told him, "I know you know a bit of Spanish, and that's the second-most spoken language, next to Mandarin Chinese." He seemed to be smug about how English was ranked third.
The two were in a courtyard, having just finished a UN meeting. China had come out to admire the view. England had come to smoke.
He took another drag on the cigarette. "It's only popular," he said, the acrid smoke blown out with his words, "because there are so many—"
China cut him off. "And I suppose all those colonies of yours had nothing to do with English being so popular, aru." He waved away smoke and wrinkled his nose. This made England smile, if only slightly.
The cigarette had lost its usefulness, so England dropped the butt and stamped it out. He was about to get a new one, and had it in his hand, when China had snatched it for his own purposes.
"Hey! You can't just steal someone's cigarette from their hands. Ask next time," England scolded, getting a new one for himself.
"Yān."
It was a confusing reply, or at least to England. He stayed silent for a moment, waiting for China to get comfortable with the pilfered cigarette before he asked, "What?"
"The word you're looking for is 'yān', aru." China blew smoke in England's face. "Your lesson begins now."
And that's how it started. Every weekend, work permitting, China would skip over to England's house for a lesson. He'd stay the entire weekend, because apparently leaving Sunday evening was too soon. This had posed a problem for the first few weeks, because England usually never had guests over for longer than a few hours.
"Nǐ yǒu bīn chuáng ma?" China had asked him after an observation of the inside of the house. Of course it was in Chinese. Whether or not it was to intentionally upset the Briton was left up for debate.
"I don't understand you," England said with an upward infliction, watching China peek his head into a room, scowl, and shake his head each time.
"I asked if you had a guest bed, aru. I can't seem to find one," was the reply. There was a frigid look to China, or perhaps that was just the cold and wet weather outside affecting England's brain. Either way, his guest was intimidating him.
England coughed into his hand. "You can sleep on the couch, and I have extra blankets and pillows, but I don't normally cater to overnight guests."
There was a slight look of annoyance on China's face, and he seemed to mutter something hateful under his breath, but he nodded all the same. "Shall we get started?"
"It's really a lot like English, aru."
"No. No it isn't."
"And how would you know, ahen?"
The pair was sitting in the middle of England's living room, with China sprawled on the floor with his legs up and England in a criss-cross position. It was just past dusk when this "lesson" began.
"Mandarin is a stressed-timed language, aru. So is English." China lifted himself up so that he was leaning on his arm. "Even the syntax is similar. Mandarin usually is a subject followed by a predicate, aru."
"So then how does it differ?" England asked, obviously not interested. China either didn't notice, or wasn't bothered to comment on it.
"Well, you can alter your sentences around in English, so long as the thought is complete. Chinese is strictly 'state the topic, follow with a comment', aru." China yawned and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. The jetlag was getting to China. "And Chinese doesn't have tense."
"So then how do you tell the time the event took place?"
"It—" China yawned again, "is implied in the sentence, aru."
England stood up and went to help up China. "Let's call this an early night; who knows how long it's been since you slept."
China didn't protest and let England lead him, even though the couch was just a few feet away.
"I'll just be in the next room over, so if you need anything, wake me up or something," England said to his guest.
"Fine, fine, aru. Wǎn ān, Yīng Guó."
By the third Friday, England's knowledge of the language could be compared to a wet match in a dark cavern.
"No, aru!"
England groaned and rolled his eyes. "This is stupid and I don't know why you're being so up-tight about it." They were reciting numbers, and China became particularly sensitive every time England tried pronouncing four (he was pronouncing everything wrong, but for some reason four was a taboo).
"It's sì, not sǐ," China hissed out. He looked very cross with England. Wait.
"What's the difference?" England asked. He couldn't tell. It was both 'si.' Was it how China held himself as he said it? Probably not.
"Sǐ means death, and sì means four, aru. That's why four's an unlucky number, so learn to pronounce it correctly," China said, his brows knitted together in frustration, "Then again, you're pronouncing everything wrong."
"Now you're just making things up to spite me," England said, not believing a single thing China was saying. Unlucky numbers? Preposterous. He didn't even believe in the old wives' tale of thirteen being unlucky.
"I am not, aru. What if…" China trailed off, trying to remember what he was going to say. "There's this word you used to say and America thinks is funny…"
"He thinks a lot of what I say is 'funny'," England said. "What's your point?"
"No, it started with a Q…"
"Quaint?"
"No."
"Questionable?"
"Not that, aru."
"Queer?"
"That!"
England raised an eyebrow. "And what's so queer about the word queer?"
"Well, what does it mean, aru?" China pestered, acting as a child would when they heard an exciting part of their favourite story. He was sitting on his knees, sitting up and leaning forward, expectant.
"It means strange or unconventional, or, since you mentioned America, homosexual, but I don't see where you're going wi—Oh." England got it. Because it was a homophone associated with something drastically different (in China's case, a dark word that was taboo in many places), it was probably not a favourite word. "Okay, I get it now."
"You do? So are you going to pronounce them correctly, aru?" China said, glad he got through to England.
"But they're exactly the same."
"Āiyā!"
It took England a few more weekends (and a lot of scolding from China), but he finally had gotten the accents down to where he could actually tell the difference between words. 'Four' was said with a downward affliction; 'death' was down/up.
Quite late into the evening, and the rain had let up enough for them to be outside. Both were admiring the celestial bodies in the night sky, particularly the moon.
"Huh. That's odd."
China was caught a bit off guard by the comment, taking his eyes off the constellations for a moment. "What's odd, aru?"
"Look at the moon." England motioned to the pale yellow crescent. It was fairly close to the horizon of the earth, giving the illusion of massive size. It was a bit mesmerizing to the blonde, and he thought China would appreciate it as well.
Unfortunately China didn't find it to be as attractive. "It's just a trick of the eye, aru. Why?"
"I thought it looked very pretty, alright?" England huffed, a blush creeping up his neck. Stupid China, making him look foolish.
China started to laugh. England turned away in case he was being laughed at for his embarrassment. "W-what are you laughing at?"
"Yuè liàng hěn piào liàng," China managed to say between giggles. "It's sort of a rhyme, aru."
"Huh?" Was that all China was laughing at? "Psh," England blew off the tension he felt. Really, why was he feeling so nervous around the ancient nation? He had nothing to worry about, war was past them. "So I'm guessing 'piào liàng' is 'pretty,' right?"
"Yes, aru," China said nonchalantly, leaning back to gaze at the stars again.
"And 'yuè liàng' is 'moon'?" China nodded to this.
"So 'Zhōng Guó hěn piào liàng' m—I mean…" Did England honestly say that? He felt the blush return, and only took a side glance to China. Surprisingly, he could see China blushing as well.
"Bú yào gěi wǒ pāi mǎ pì!" China turned away. Whatever he said, it must have been an insult, England thought.
"I didn't mean…I mean…It was the…"
"You don't call a man 'piào liàng,' aru," China interrupted. "It's 'shuài,' "
And that was where they left the conversation.
Inside, when it had gotten too late and too cold for the pair to be out any longer, China was getting ready to sleep. England stopped him as he was walking to the living room.
"It's going to be really cold tonight," he said.
"So?" was the reply.
"Are you going to be alright sleeping on the couch?"
China scoffed. "A little cold isn't anything to worry about, aru." He looked a bit offended.
England simply shrugged his shoulders. "I'm just warning you. At any rate, if you get too cold, you can sleep in my bed."
China's expression flickered to fancy for a brief moment, but a thought must have tugged at him, for he frowned and shook his head no at England. "Why would I want to do that, aru?"
"I'm only offering, you old codger." He had, however, seen the want in China's eyes. England shook the thought away and went to the master room to sleep.
At about four in the morning, a dream had woken England, and he had gotten up to get a glass of water. He was close to deciding against it, to just stay in bed and fall back asleep. His judgment got the better of him and he got up.
When he came back from the kitchen and lied back down, a sleeping China shifted positions to be closer to England.
"You've gotten better with your pronunciation, aru."
England shouldn't have been as excited to hear that compliment as he was. Ever-arrogant, he said, "I bet a few more days of this and I'll be fluent."
China was laughing so hard that he began to cry. "Surely you're joking," he said when he regained composure. "You know maybe three-hundred characters at most, aru."
"T-that's a lot!" England argued, setting his tea down. "I mean….Isn't it?"
"People say that about two-thousand characters are needed for basic literacy, about what you would find in a newspaper, aru," China said, looking over his own cup of tea. "A well-educated person knows four-thousand to five-thousand characters."
England paled a bit.
"But," China continued, seeing England's reaction, "For a month's worth of teaching, you've done very well, aru."
The confidence was back in England. "Ha!"
A question came to England, about the differences between Hong Kong's Chinese and what he was learning now. "Hey, China, I have a question—"
"If you can, say it in Mandarin, aru."
Oh, hell, what was the phrase you said when you wanted to ask a question? England thought, getting a little frustrated. Then he remembered.
"Qǐng wěn …" he started, pausing to remember how to say the rest of the question.
Wordlessly, China stood up, walked over to England, and bent down to give him a kiss on the cheek. England's face reddened instantly and he sputtered incoherency for a while.
"What the bloody hell was that for?" he exclaimed when he found his voice.
China looked bewildered. "You asked me to kiss, didn't you?"
Translations of the foreign words/phrases in this fanfic
Je veux t'enculer: "I want to fuck you" in French
yān: Cigarette; tobacco; to smoke
Nǐ yǒu bīn chuáng ma?: Do you have a guest bed?
wǎn ān: Good night
Yīng Guó: England
sì: four
sǐ: shortened version of sǐ wáng, meaning death/deadly. Because of its close pronunciation with death, four is considered an unlucky number
āiyā: an interjection loosely meaning "Damn!" or "Ah!" Can be used for surprise, disappointment, etc.
yuè liàng: moon
piào liàng: Pretty/beautiful; you typically don't describe a man/boy as "pretty"
hěn: very
Zhōng Guó: China
Bú yào gěi wǒ pāi mǎ pì: Do not flatter me
shuài: handsome
qǐng wěn: May I kiss, the phrase England pronounced wrong
qǐng wèn: May I ask, the phrase England was looking for