Euphemisms Are Fun!

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Oneshot

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction.

Note: This is no insult to men in any way. In fact, I absolutely adore men. LOL


Euphemisms Are Fun

Roy slowly awoke to an incredibly pleasant smell. His face was buried in something soft and warm, and the smell of lilac took over his senses. He opened his eyes tardily and saw that his face was snuggled into Riza's hair as he held her body against his.

For the two years they'd been married, he never once tired of waking this way, he never tired of her smell or the warmth that flowed through and over his entire body as he held her close.

He watched her for a moment longer before she moved slightly, indicating that she was about to awaken. She had the uncanny ability to sense when he was watching her. Even when she was sleeping, those senses weren't dulled in the slightest.

Roy's grin widened when he was proven right. She turned her body to face him and her eyes opened. "Why do you insist on staring at me in the mornings?" she questioned with a yawn.

Roy ignored her question in favor of pushing her on her back and kissing her neck, occasionally biting at the skin. Her arms wrapped around him and she groaned in pleasure. "Feels so good," she moaned.

"Humm…I'll make you feel better than that in a few minutes," Roy said.

"First, I need to know what time it is," she said, moving her head to try to look at the clock. Roy blocked her line of sight as his head moved to nibble at her earlobe. He moved to kiss her lips and between each kiss, he muttered a word of his sentence.

"It. . . doesn't . . . matter. . ." After speaking those words, he drew her into a long sensual kiss. She pulled away and frowned. Roy sighed, looked at the clock, then back at her. "It's nine o' clock," he answered.

"What? I am supposed to meet Gracia and the girls at ten o'clock!" she exclaimed, sitting up in bed, causing Roy to fall back roughly. He sat up and watched as his wife got up from the bed and started getting her clothes out of the wardrobe. He fell back against the mattress once again and didn't say a word. He knew any attempts to convince her to get back in bed and "play" would be futile. Riza stopped when she heard no protests from her husband. She was surprised to see him just laying there looking up at the ceiling.

They hadn't made love for the past week due to womanly matters so she actually felt sorry for him. He was a darling during that time every month. He would rub her stomach when she had cramps and always made sure that there was an ample supply of chocolate and salty snacks during that time. He even went and bought her the "tools" that were needed for that time of month when she needed them. She didn't have to educate him on the event, as most women had to do with their significant other. Of course, men knew about PMS but few knew about what not to say and do to their women during the torture period. She guessed the fact that Roy had sisters made him very knowledgeable about the visit from aunt flow.

She sat the clothes she had in her arms down on the dresser and crawled back on the bed. She straddled his waist earning a surprise look from him. She leaned down to kiss him passionately and when she pulled away she said, "Why don't we take a shower together? Then if you are good I may buy something today that you will thoroughly enjoy seeing me wear." She finished her words in a whisper, "And you'll enjoy taking off."

This earned a smirk from Roy. He got off the bed, picked her up, and carried her into the bathroom.

--

Riza grabbed her purse off a table in the hallway and moved to kiss Roy goodbye. He wrapped his arms around her waist and deepened the kiss before she could pull away. When she finally did, out of an intense need to catch her breath, she looked at him suspiciously.

"You must have really missed the sex," she said.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I'm still sore from what we did in the shower and then you kiss me like that. It almost tempts me to stay home. "

"Oh?" Roy said in an interested tone; a smirk gracing his lips and his hands moving down to cup her butt.

"I said almost," she said, kissing him on the cheek before pulling away from his embrace and leaving the house.

Roy sighed and shut the door. He hated the get-togethers the women had every month. Sure, it was only for a few hours but the house was so empty and things were so damn boring without Riza around. He didn't know how he lived alone before they were married. He made his way to the living room, grabbed a book off the shelf, and flopped down on the couch. He had no clue that this day would be quite amusing and that his knowledge of married life and women in general was going to come in handy.

---

Riza, Gracia, Maria, Rebecca, and Scieszka were sitting outside a small café having lunch. Maria was clearly not in a good mood and eventually the women with her confronted her about it.

"Aunt Rose is visiting and Denny just doesn't understand that I don't need his mouth complaining constan-- at all." Maria griped. She and Denny had only been married a month and this was one of the standard first issues of marriage. Especially with someone that was as slightly dense like Denny. Maria turned to Rebecca who had just moved in with Havoc three months ago. "Have you dealt with that yet?"

"Havoc is the same way. He doesn't understand that when I am having the painters in, I am closed for business."

"Have you told them what those euphemisms mean?" Gracia questioned.

"Oh come on, surely they have heard of those!" Rebecca said.

"When Maes and I first married I told him that there was a massacre in crotch canyon and there was a big misunderstanding." She and Riza laughed at the memory.

"What happened? I think that was before I was under his command," Maria said.

"Wait a minute! Wouldn't he realize that there's no canyon called crotch in Amestris?" Rebecca questioned.

Riza started laughing louder. "There is! It's named after inventor Ivan Crotch," Riza said. "It's a small canyon of rocks where our troops were stationed for a while. It overlooks Ishbal. Maes came in Roy's office that day demanding to know why Roy hadn't called him immediately about the massacre at crotch canyon and that he had friends stationed there. Roy had the funniest expression that I'd ever seen. It took all my willpower not to laugh at both the look and what Maes said. After some explaining that Gracia told him about it that morning, Roy remembered the euphemism. He proceeded to tell Maes what Gracia meant, and that the soldiers in Crotch canyon were perfectly fine and 'wiggling around like pricks'. Even the smartest men are clueless about PMS most of the time."

She looked at Gracia who had a small, sad, smile on her face. Riza knew it was probably hard on her hearing about everyone's husbands and boyfriends. Many people tried to tell her that Maes would want her to move on and find someone, but she refused. Riza couldn't blame her though. She wouldn't move on if, heaven forbid, something happened to Roy. When he was up North, she'd refused to date anyone even though she knew that he might not come back. Maes was Gracia's soul mate just as Roy was hers.

Maria, Rebecca, and Scieszka burst out laughing at the story. After the laughter died down Scieszka turned to Riza. "How does Roy know all of those euphemisms?"

"Roy grew up around sisters," Riza said and all the women nodded in understanding.

"Fuery was raised with a single mother and sister so I haven't had much trouble with him. I think he gets confused over the emotional outbursts though. He tends to think that he's done something wrong."

"Fuery is always worried about hurting someone's feelings," Riza said.

Scieszka smiled, "Yeah, it's so sweet."

"You've never had any trouble out of Roy?" Gracia said. Riza raised an eyebrow at the sentence and Gracia corrected herself. "Due to PMS I mean."

"No, nothing," Riza said.

"So basically he just stays away from you for a week? I can't really see Roy not annoying you to death."

"No, he doesn't stay away from me at all. He's very sweet during that time," Riza said. "He holds me a lot, and rubs my head when I have a headache or my stomach when I have cramps."

"Well, didn't you marry Mr. Perfect?" Rebecca teased.

"If you can call a man that likes to burp the alphabet every time he drinks something carbonated perfect, then yes," she said, leaving out the fact that she taught him how to do that.

"Okay, maybe not," Rebecca said.

"So you are saying we just need to come out and tell Denny and Havoc in plain language," Maria questioned.

"I think that's the best," Gracia said. "Perhaps tell them a few other euphemisms that you may use."

The two women nodded. Riza got out her wallet and removed some money to pay for her lunch. "Let's get to shopping. I've got to go buy something for Roy." The other girls got out their money for their food and laid it down with the bill that the waiter had placed there.

"What do you have to get for Roy?" Scieszka questioned.

"Lingerie," Riza said. "He was so nice this time during aunt flow's visit that I figured I would give him a treat and we all know what a man's favorite treat is."

The other women laughed and agreed with her as they left the café.

--

Roy rested comfortably on the couch in the living room fully absorbed in his book when a knock interrupted the peace of the house. He put his book down on the table beside him, stood, and walked over to open the door. He was surprised to see Havoc and Denny there, looking quite confused.

"Come in," Roy said and walked out of the way so that the two could enter. They went into the living room and sat down. Roy walked over to the bar, poured them strong drinks, and handed them to the men.

He then sat down across from them and waited until they finished the drinks.

"Thanks Chief," Havoc said.

"Yes, thank you," Denny said.

"What is wrong with you two?"

"Maria . . . she threw a vase at me yesterday just because I asked what she'd been doing all day."

Roy raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you sure you didn't do something else stupid that you didn't realize was stupid?"

"No, I'd just come home from work," Denny said.

"She also mentioned that her aunt was visiting but then there was no sign of an aunt anywhere!"

Roy chuckled.

"That's not all, Chief. Rebecca said that she had the painters in. There are no painters in our apartment."

"Tell me exactly what was said," Roy said, having a very good clue what was going on.

"Maria said her Aunt Rose was visiting and that she wasn't in the mood for my masculine bullshit. She also said that her Aunt Rose wasn't that friendly and was putting her in a bad mood. I've never know her to throw things at me or threaten me with household objects."

"She threatened you with a household object?"

"When I asked her why she was fixing so much chocolate she said if I didn't get out of the kitchen she would shove a mixer up my ass and turn it on."

Roy laughed aloud at that then turned to Havoc.

"How about Rebecca?"

"Well she's not that moody but she keeps saying these weird phrases. Before we moved in together, I heard them on occasion. Now I hear them a lot more."

Roy decided to milk this conversation for all the amusement potential that it offered. "Phrases? Such as?"

"Well I was trying to make love to Rebecca and she said the painters were in and since they were, she was closed for business."

Roy could barely restrain his laughter. That was a new one but the fact Havoc didn't get it was even funnier. "Go on," he managed out.

"Well I've heard her tell Maria that she was in a bad mood because she was riding a cotton pony which I assume to be her thong. If it puts her in a bad mood then why does she wear them?"

"Maria says that too!" Denny said.

"That must be why they are in such a bad mood but that still doesn't explain the painters and Aunt Rose."

Roy could no longer restrain himself. He burst out laughing at the two men.

"I don't see anything funny about a thong up the butt crack," Havoc said.

"Especially when that thong up the butt crack means I get a mixer shoved up my butt crack!"

"PMS," Roy said, when he finally stops laughing.

"PMS?" Havoc said.

"Better known as period," Roy said.

"What in the hell does punctuation have to do with our problem?" Denny questioned. Roy and Havoc looked at him and then Denny realized what Roy really meant. "Sorry, my thought process isn't' working well after the mixer threat. So that causes them to be moody?"

"Yes, they have horrible cramps and their hormones go wild," Roy said.

"So what do we do? Just leave them alone?"

"Flowers, kind words, chocolate and lots of it, maybe watch one of those chick flicks with her, and learn how to cook for yourself."

"How do you know so much about this? Did Riza drill it into you?"

"Sisters, three of them," Roy said. "I learned what they like. Of course, I give Riza massages when she has cramps and things. Obviously I never did that for my sisters."

"All right, and those should put them in better moods?"

"Yep," Roy said.

Denny and Havoc stood up. "Thanks sir," Denny said as the three of them walked to the door. Havoc opened the door and started to leave when Roy stopped the two.

"One more thing. It's very important."

"If they are PMSing and tell you to leave. Get out of that room like a bat out of hell," Roy said.

"Right," they both answered and left. They passed Riza, saying goodbye to her as she was going into the house.

She kissed Roy on the lips. "What did those two want?"

"You aren't going to believe the story I have to tell you," Roy said.

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh?"

"Yeah," Roy said, eying the bag she was holding. "Is that my present I get to open when you put it on?" Roy questioned while wrapping his arms around her waist.

Riza grinned and gave him another kiss. "You'll have to wait until tonight to find out," she said. "First, I want to hear this story of yours."

AN: Reviews are loved and appreciated.