Based between Season 3 and Season 4
Sam:
What do people expect me to say? That I'm doing fine; that I'm okay?
Sometimes I can feel the waves crashing down over me, and I'm suffocating. When I lie in bed at night my chest hurts – it's a real, physical pain, but I think it is only because my heart is broken beyond repair.
I lie there listening to it thump thump thump against my chest, constantly wondering if the next beat will be its last. If I want it to be.
I feel like I am living in a bubble; I can see all that's going on around me but I can't be affected by it. What if I'm going numb?
To be numb is the worst feeling of all. At least pain is real – pain is a constant reminder of who you are, where you stand, the mistakes you've made. Who you've lost.
Numb just doesn't care. Numb doesn't try to die, but it makes no effort to live either. It scrapes away at your insides like a blunt knife; until all that is left is shell. Until you exist entirely as the mask you use to hide behind. Psychopath.
Maybe I'll shatter into a thousand pieces instead – keep going and keep going until I am fragments on the floor. Made up of tiny pieces held together by nothing but hope. Hope: the fatal emotion. The final step before the last jump.
The hope that he'll come back to me.
Or the hope that something sends me down to Hell with him.