Chapter 1

The Cask of Amontilla-Do'h

It's Mardi Gras time in Springfield and Mayor Quimby hosted a huge masquerade ball in his mansion. Everyone wore their freakiest costumes and long beaded necklaces. They all partied the night out. They were drunk to the fullest. They danced with horribly hypnotizing music. The lights blinded them from reality to ecstasy. Until, they were interrupted by the presence of a mysterious man in a red mask.

"It's the Masque of the Red Death!" shouted Lenny dressed as the usual Carl. Everybody gasped. The stranger jumped down from the chandelier. He landed badly in the middle of the grand room. But he soon stood up with a painful moan. Then pulled out his mask and said with hysterical laughter, "Hey, Hey!" It was Krusty the Klown and everyone laughed and clapped.

"We have a great show for you folks tonight," he announced, "Starring the Orangu-Teenies!" Sideshow Mel appeared disguised as a frog and went hopping with eight chained Mr. Teeny's painted orange and tar. As they were parading, one of the spectators was Moe who wore a tuxedo, long black cape, curly thin mustache and a Lincoln hat. Instead of watching the act, he was looking for someone in the crowd.

He soon heard a familiar burp and headed towards the source. He saw Barney in a Winnie the Pooh costume, "Whacha got there, Moe?" Then, he vomited. Moe was actually holding a wine bottle, "Oh, this? This is just, ah, have you seen Homer?" Barney was still vomiting yet he pointed to a group of platter boys serving altogether the ever-so-hungry Homer. Barney then grabbed the wine bottle.

"Hey, Barn, give me that," Moe grabbed back.

"That's the strong and expensive Reduff Wine."

"Yeah, well, it's not for you. It's for Homer."

"I thought you hate Homer, Moe, after he tricked you into marrying Selma."

Moe didn't pay attention to Barney any longer and went straight to Homer, who was wearing a harlequin costume with tiny bells everywhere. Moe genially greeted Homer and showed him the bottle of Reduff Wine. Homer was totally enthusiastic to see such rare liquor. To tempt him more, Moe explained that he'll let Homer drink it if he signs a certain paper and accompanies him to the cellar for some KFC bucket of chicken.

While Krusty's show was flaming up the Orangu-Teenies, Homer and Moe went to Moe's tavern and went down a medieval like spiral staircase. They soon reached the damp cellars full of kegs of Duff Beer and also skeletons everywhere. "The rats did that," Moe explained, took a skull, poured the red wine into it and offered to Homer. Becoming drunk quickly, Homer teased, "Hey, Moe how's you and Selma?"

"Pretty great. Quite a woman. Looks good in red. Lots of red. And an axe."

"Yeah. Remember that Vegas wedding. You were like so drunk."

"Yes. Just like you now. Here take another sip."

Homer soon consumed the last intoxicating drop when they finally reached the dead end. He looked around and asked, "Where's my bucket?" Moe showed him first a paper and a pen. Homer willingly signed it in his drunken state. "It's right inside that opening," Moe pointed to the wall with chains. Homer entered the small room and turned to Moe, "I don't see the bucket."

Moe swiftly chained Homer's wrists and ankles, but Homer was still drunk to realize it was a trap. Then, Moe began cementing bricks to totally block the opening. When he was half way through, Homer became a little sober to say, "Hey, what's happening?" He then finally got it and shouted his annoyed grunt. "Moe, why are you doing this to me? Why are you hiding the fried chicken?"

"This is for the unvisited birthdays," Moe put a brick, then another, "This is for the unsuccessful suicide attempts." Every brick he told Homer everything he hated, from gargoyle jokes to Rumpeltiltskin. "And this is for Marge who married you instead of me."

"Hey, I thought you wanted her sisters," Homer tried to break from his chains.

"Oh, I liked them, especially Selma. She's always there for me," Moe pointed to the wall Homer chained into. "But how about this for a change?" Moe continued, "We trade wives. I'll be with Marge and you'll be with Selma forever."

"That will never happen!"

"Oh, but you already signed, Homer," Moe showed him the paper he just signed, "Besides you're already with Selma." Then, they heard a coarse groaning behind the walls. "Ah! Selma!" Homer shrieked, "Why you little!" He tried to break away from the chains to strangle Moe who was putting every brick in a rush. To stop his jiggling, Moe took the empty wine battle and smashed it to Homer's head. The jingling of the bells and chains stopped and Moe finally put the last brick.

"Moe!" still groaned something behind the new wall.

References from Poe:

The Cask of Amontallido = duh!

~The Masque of the Red Death = Krusty's costume

~Hop-Frog = about a maltreated jester, just like Sideshow Mel, getting revenge on the dukes by suggesting orangutan costumes for the party. The dukes fell for it and painted themselves with orange and tar which was easy for Hop-Frog to burn them as the party's entertainment.

~The Black Cat = the husband killed his wife with an axe and hid her corpse behind the walls, just like what Moe did to Selma