Warning: This story is rated Mature. Do not continue reading if you are easily offended by curse words, substitute curse words, sexual themes, innuendoes, excessive violence, drugs, drug use and descriptive violence.
Second Warning: Do not continue reading if you are a hardcore Harry Potter fan and believe that he is real (not Daniel Radcliff but the character he portrays; Harry Potter). Do not continue if you don't like people poking fun at Harry Potter or any other character, or the world of Magic.
Third Warning: Do not continue reading if you are the type of person who believes that the poster on your wall of Harry Potter speaks to you at night and tells you to burn things.
Fourth Warning: Do not continue reading if you don't have an imagination or a sense of humor. Do not continue reading if you have a life.
Fifth and final warning: Do not continue if you are the type of person who believes that a person should follow the book, exactly how it is, because I certainly don't.
Rating: Mature; 18 years old and up.
Reasons: Excessive violence, low level curse words, drugs and some sexual themes.
Prologue: Beginning opening thingy
A doctor walks up to one of the hospital's doors. He peeks through the wired window at the top of the door. He looks at the man inside, quietly scribbling down notes as he watches the man.
"How is he doing sir?" A night nurse asks the doctor.
The doctor hands her his notes. "Well, he seems to be stable for now. I just highly recommend that you never serve him pudding again."
The nurse looks embarrassed. "Again…I'm sorry doctor, I didn't know that pudding would do that to a man."
The doctor turns away from the woman and peers through the window. "You must also realize that this is no ordinary man. He's highly dangerous, highly blood thirsty, and highly intelligent. Luckily, we've had the Ministry of Magic place very powerful curses on this building and not to mention that the building is guarded by the Dementors."
"I know that we are safe and all but…" the nurse looks through the window and sees the man inside expose his teeth to her. She quickly shudders and turns back to the doctor. "I still have this weird feeling that something bad is going to happen."
"Don't worry. Here, come with me to my office." The doctor and nurse walk away from the room.
After making sure that the nurse and doctor had left, the man quickly stands up and runs to his bed. He slides his hands under his pillow and takes out a teddy bear. He grasps the teddy bear's head and tears it off. He digs inside of the bear and pulls out a match. He then quickly runs to the door. Knowing that he was locked inside, the man places the torn off teddy bear head on the door knob. Then he begins pulling on the nose towards himself. The nose detaches and at the base of it is string that is unwounded from inside of the head. While holding onto the nose, he ties it around the leg of his bed and takes hold of the match. He strikes the match on his beard and placed the flame near the string. In an instant the string ignites and a flame follows the string all the way to the severed teddy bear head. As the flame goes inside of the head, smoking begins coming out of the place where the nose was and finally it exploded. The door fell into splintered pieces. The man quickly grabbed his blanket and placed it over him. He looked like a ridiculous child wearing a blanket and claiming to be a ghost. The man quickly ran out. As soon as he took a step out of the door, he felt a chilling presence. He looked to his right to find himself come face to face with a Dementor. The Dementor's empty hood seemed to stare at the man under the sheet. Breathing heavily, the man began sliding to his left. The Dementor remained where it was, not even bothering following him. Knowing this was his chance, the man ran down the hall and towards the door. He pushed the heavy doors aside and breathed the fresh air of freedom. "I knew the Dementors were stupid, just didn't think they were that stupid." The man said to himself. He then quickly ran into the woods screaming.
"Oh, I forgot to feed the patient." The nurse quickly buttons up her shirt and walks out of the doctors office.
"Hurry up quickly now, I want to finish our little game of 'Doctor." The doctor takes off his stethoscope. The doctor was about to strike his own knee with the rubber mallet when he was startled by a loud scream. The doctor quickly got up and ran to the source of the scream. As he stood in the blown up door way, he fell to his knees and let out a loud scream. "NOOOOOOOO! Not Mr. Pea Body!" The doctor slowly lifts up the teddy bear's charred body. "WWhhhhhy!!"
The nurse slaps the doctor. " No you idiot! The patient has escaped!"
The doctor slowly stands up with a look of horror on his face. "Good Muggle almighty! Sirius Black has escaped out of the Asylum!"
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF THE ASYLUM
Chapter 1: Happy birthday, Hoe.
"Yay! It's me birthday again! Everyone love me and only me!" Dudley began dancing around like a little idiot.
It was Dudley's birthday again, like it is every year. This year there was a special guest, Vernon's sister.
"You've been a little brat haven't you Dudley?" Dudley's aunt smiles and pats Dudley's head. "I have a treat you!" She takes out a yellow bag.
"Bacon?! Is it bacon!?" Dudley begins to hop up and down chanting bacon.
His aunt opens up the bag and pulls out a dog treat in the shape of bacon and tosses it to Dudley, who then leaps up in the air and catches it in his mouth. Harry walks into the room. Dudley's aunt's nose begins to sniff.
"Do I smell trash in here?" She looks over at Harry. "Oh, that explains it." Harry raises a middle finger then continues walking to the kitchen where he grabs the plates and begins setting the table. Everyone is seated now except Harry who is busy filling up their glasses.
"Well after his mother and father died, they sent him to me because I was the only family he had." Petunia tells Vernon's sister.
Vernon's sister then turns to Harry. "That would explain the attitude. Lily was always a bitch and the best way to train a bitch is with a rolled up news paper and strike her nose with it!" Harry notices that Vernon's sister begins groping her pet Bull Dog. "And for the father, you want to grab those…" Harry sees her viciously grab the bull dog's um…junk and begin squeezing it. "And then you want to twist them right off so that he will know who is in charge." She begins twisting the dog's junk. Harry could see the dog mouth, "Help me!" to Harry.
"You can't say that about my sister!" Aunt Petunia stands up in anger.
"Woman, sit your arse down. Don't make me kick it!" The bull dog runs off with his junk dragging on the ground behind him.
"Oh, and Harry." Vernon's sister turns to Harry. "Your Filet Tenderloin sucked." She points down to her plate where a little bit of steak sat, because she already ate most of it. At this point, Harry was enraged. As she took a sip from her glass, Harry shot laser beams out of his eyes, chattering the glass in her hands. The glass shards dug their way into her face and hands. Harry then leaps across the table and grabs her collar and begins shaking her violently. Harry then takes her head and slams it down onto her plate.
Harry lifts up her head so that her eyes meet with his. He then speaks to her a demonic tone.
"You can insult my dad. You may insult my mother. But never!" Shakes her head violently. "Never insult my cooking!" He then shoves her away so hard that she falls back and out of her chair. Harry then grabs the helium tank that was used to inflate Dudley's balloons, takes the helium nozzle and rams it down her throat and turns on the nozzle. She begins to inflate into a large human balloon and begins to float to the ceiling. The bull dog, seeing this as his chance of revenge, hops up and bites her leg. She then begins moving towards the windows and pushes them ajar and begins to float into the sky. Uncle Vernon runs out the door trying to reach for his sister but of course she's way up there.
"This is the last straw, Harry. I want you out of this house. I never want to see you, or your steak again!" Vernon storms off into the house.
"Fine! I'm leaving for good this time." Harry runs into the house and within seconds he has all his stuff packed up and walks out of the house. As Harry is about to take another step, he realizes that it's getting cold and that he forgot his jacket. As he turns around to go inside, the door is shut locked. Harry begins to drag his trunk behind him. As he wanders around, he spots a black wolf snarling at him. As the wolf is about to leap at Harry, a giant blur runs the wolf right over. Harry is startled to see that the bus was actually a bus. The door opens and a young man steps out.
"All on board." The young man yells out.
"Wot?" Harry just stands there, staring at him.
"I said, all on board."
"Wot, Wot?" Harry still stands there staring.
"That means you boy."
"Wot, wot wot?" Harry stands there. The young man picks Harry up and throws him into the bus. As Harry looks around, he notices that the bus driver was an elderly man with huge bifocals and a shrunken head on a string hung on the rear view mirror. As Harry was about to lick it, the head began to talk.
"Whoa mon! Back off a bit dere! Welcome to the Midnight Knight Express. We'll be taking you to the magic meeting hole."
"Um…thanks?" Harry walks to his seat.
"Better hold on mon…muwhahahahaha" The head starts laughing that it begins to dangle in the air.
"Wot?" Harry is about to sit when the driver hits the gas pedal and the bus zooms off. Harry is knocked off his feet and falls all the way to the back of the bus. Harry has never been on anything so fast before. The bus is zooming all over the place. It's even squeezing in between cars. Eventually the bus makes it to the magic meeting hole.
"Did you enjoy your ride mon?"
Harry looks at the shrunken head and vomits into it's face.
"Mon, get the hell off of me bus." The driver kicks Harry off.
"But what about my stuff!?" Harry yells.
"We're taking it since you didn't give us a ticket! Drive mon!" And that was the last time Harry saw the Midnight Knight Express.
Chapter 2: Inside the tavern
"Harry, quickly, enter." Mr. Wesley grabs Harry and pulls him into the tavern. "Your life is in grave danger."
"Wot?" Harry responds.
"A dangerous wizard who worked for 'him' has escaped from the asylum for crazy witches. His name is Sirius Black. He is responsible for betraying your mother and father and killing them." Mr. Wesley guides Harry through the bar. As Harry is taking in this information, he notices wanted posters on the wall with a moving figure yelling.
"Wot Wot?" Harry stares blankly.