"No," Steve shook his head firmly. "No, Tony. I don't need one, I don't want one, no!"
"It's a tradition!" Tony argued, and went for the big guns. "An American tradition, Steve—can't get more stereotypical than that! Besides, I'm footing the bill so you can't refuse—I'll get Pepper to book us someplace appropriately raunchy yet classy." He looked up at the ceiling. "Jarvis, pipe me through to the Tower homies wherever they be."
"Yes sir. Connections to your thug life associates established. Yo."
"Barton! Banner! Thor! Who's in for Steve's bachelor party?"
"I'm in," came Barton's direct reply.
"Ah sure," Banner chimed in. "Why not?"
"A celebration! What is a bachelor?" Thor boomed cheerfully.
"An unmarried man," Tony replied. "A bachelor party, also more appropriately known as a stag party is an occasion for said bachelor to overindulge in all sorts of lovely vices in one last epic bacchanalia before getting married. A chance to sow wild oats, be gross and drunk and make memories that will last a lifetime—or at least as long as his friends have videos of the night."
"Which is precisely why I'm not interested in having one," Steve pleaded. "Let's face it Tony; you've got lots of opportunities to carry on without putting me in the middle of it."
"Oh contraire!" came the reply as Tony grinned dangerously. "You give the whole thing some respectability, and it would be a hell of a lot of fun, Cap. I know the present company aren't the Commandos, but we'd be honored to carry on the way they would have for you."
Steve shot Tony a look, prepared to see a cocky grin, and was touched when he saw the dark-eyed sincerity on the other man's face. Tony had his chest out, his expression both compassionate and kind.
He hesitated, and in that moment was lost to Stark's machinations. Tony clapped his hands together and beamed. "O-kay, it's ON, people!"
"Niiice," Barton replied, a grin evident in his voice.
"Potentially dangerous, but it could be interesting," Banner added.
"We shall make it a living legend!" Thor boomed. "They shall sing sagas in memory of the night we partook! Odes to our rutting and quaffing!"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down, Thor!" Steve muttered, alarmed. "No sagas, no odes! Most especially no rutting! Geez, Tony!"
"Sometimes I think Asgard must have been like one huge frat party," Tony snickered. In a louder voice he added, "We'll get the details out in a bit guys. Comm out."
Steve sighed and looked at Tony, who was already bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Happy now?"
"Delirious. We all need to blow off some steam and even Fury can't argue with a great American institution like this. Oh, he's invited too, right? Because if he's not, I don't want to be the one to tell him."
Steve waved a hand. "Sure why not? I've got a few names of my own to add to guest list anyway."
"Great! So since you and Lauren are due to go waltzing down the aisle in three weeks seems like the perfect time for this night of debauchery would be this weekend, barring any missions."
Steve tensed. "This weekend? Isn't that kind of . . . soon?"
"Five days," Tony nodded enthusiastically. "Just enough of a deadline to have Pepper at her best, and short enough to prevent you from too many second thoughts. I suggest you let Lauren know and get those names to Pep as soon as possible. In the meantime I have a few favors to call in." He trotted past Steve, reaching a hand to pat the other man's shoulder. "Epic," Tony repeated, grinning.
Steve felt a sense of dread in his stomach.
-oo00oo—
Lauren looked up from the display of sheet music she was putting into alphabetical order as Steve came into Time Was. He waved to a few greetings and made his way towards her, steps unexpectedly slow.
She tensed. Normally Steve was bright-eyed and enthusiastic when he came home, and he only ever trudged when something was bothering him. Carefully she looked up at him, waiting until he had slipped his arms around her before she smiled. "All right, what's wrong, Hero?"
Steve kissed her lightly and sighed. "Tony Stark."
Lauren smirked. "That would have been my first guess. What's Tony done now?"
"He wants," Steve actually gulped, "he wants to throw me a bachelor party! I didn't want one, but the rest of the team was listening and they were enthusiastic and Tony announced he was paying for it and he went all sincere on me, invoking the Commandos and I just . . . sort of gave in."
Lauren wanted to laugh; Steve looked so conflicted and woebegone; like a golden retriever missing his favorite chew toy. She held back and ran her hands over his chest in a comforting stroke. "Well they are traditional."
"I can't get drunk, I don't have any lustful interest in women other than you, and I'll be older than anyone else—face it, I'm going to be the designated driver at my own party," Steve moaned.
"Oh come on, you'll have a good time!" Lauren tried to cheer him as she steered the two of them towards the front counter where Grandpa was finishing up with someone's purchase. "These are your friends, Steve!"
He took a deep breath. "Yes, I know that. They're my friends as well as," Steve lowered his voice, "my team mates. I just think it's a lot of unnecessary fuss."
"Steve sweetheart, I think this is as much for them as it is for you," Lauren assured him. "Think about it—you're the first of the group who's getting married, right? That's sort of a milestone right there."
And it would be, Lauren knew. The amount of paperwork and clearance she and Steve had ploughed through at this point might have daunted a less devoted couple, but they'd persevered, submitting to whatever Fury and the government had insisted on including security checks, physicals and several joint sessions with Doctor R.
Lauren had genuinely liked Doctor R and the feeling was mutual.
"I'm so very glad to meet you, Lauren! Steve has told me so much about you and your grrrrrandfather! I would love to visit your bookstore!" the tiny woman had trilled, beaming up at Lauren.
"Anytime," Lauren agreed happily, "we'd love to have you!"
Although the sessions had been a little embarrassing when the three of them settled into them, Lauren was glad too—it was counseling and therapy rolled into one, and the delight in talking to another woman about sex was a relief. Doctor R was candid and upbeat, her supportive advice peppered with enthusiasm. She offered up books and videos as well, and Lauren had them tucked away in the one of the nightstand drawers to be perused a bit later.
"That's true," Steve murmured, bringing her back to the here and now. "I didn't think of it that way."
"Exactly. Hopefully you're showing them it can be done—the career and family thing," Lauren teased gently. "You know—the American dream?"
"If you say so," Steve replied, still looking doubtful.
Grandpa looked up when they reached the counter and flashed a grin at them. "Steve! Things going all right? You look a little down in the dumps."
"Bachelor party," Lauren laughed. "He's not sure he wants one, even though Tony is offering to host it."
Grandpa looked over his glasses at Steve. "You're kidding, right?"
"Joe, I'm not interested in . . . shenanigans," Steve sighed, going pink in the face again. "Certainly not the ones Tony will whip up."
"Oh," Joe murmured. "I see. So you'd pass up a chance for your friends to share an evening with you that isn't a life-or-death situation fraught with peril and ending in blood and destruction? You don't want them all to have a great meal, lots of quality booze and a chance to actually socialize? To swap bullshit stories and laugh and make toasts in your honor and generally celebrate the fact that one of their number is planning on having a future instead of a now?"
Steve blinked. "Okay, when you put it that way I sound like a selfish bastard, Joe. That's not what I meant at all!"
Grandpa laughed in a wheezy chuckle, reaching out to pat Steve's shoulder. "God love you Steve, you are the easiest leg to pull! Look, you have the final say in something like this, sure, but think back to the stag parties you've gone to—and I know you've been to a few in your life, son—and you might remember that under all the shenanigans as you call them there are some pretty solid memories of camaraderie that are the sole privilege of men. The night's one way of reminding each other that you're brothers as well as friends or a team or any other bond you've got."
Steve gave a slow nod. "I . . . I do know what you mean. It's just . . . it's been so long, and Tony, well . . . he does have a reputation for overkill."
"Am I invited?" Grandpa demanded. Lauren tried to hide her grin.
"Yes, of course!" Steve replied. "You bet!"
"Good. Then I'll be your check against Stark's excesses then," Grandpa winked. "After all, with a geriatric in the group—a visual one anyway- he'll have to curb some excesses. Fair enough?"
Lauren watched as Steve grinned, his dimples deepening and his eyes bright. "You are a devious man, Joe Scott."
"Nah, I just want my fair shot at the cigars and steak," he chuckled. "I'll leave the women to all the other fellahs."
"Generous of you," Lauren giggled. "I guess this means I can start hinting to Sally about a bachelorette party."
"Bachelorette party?" Steve echoed, faintly surprised. The three of them shifted to let Grandpa ring up a customer, and Lauren shot Steve a quick smile.
"Yeah, you don't think you're the only one who gets to watch strippers and go wild for one night, right?"
"Wait, what?" Steve blurted. "Strippers?"
"Male strippers, all slicked down with oil. Sally says there's this place uptown where she can get a good deal," Lauren murmured, and then burst out laughing at Steve's horrified expression. "Steve, it's a joke, honey!"
"God I hope so," he murmured weakly. "Listen, I'm not going to be a hypocrite, but the idea of some guy other than me getting naked for you . . ."
"Is never going to happen," Lauren assured him. "Not only am I madly in love with YOU, Steve, you're also pretty much perfection when you are naked. I'm totally spoiled in that department and really have no interest in anybody else. I know strippers are expected at your party so I'm not going to worry about them, okay?"
Steve bent down and rubbed his nose with hers. "You and only you, Kitten," he whispered in that soft deep voice that always made her knees weak.
"Okay then," she sighed happily.