So in light of recent decisions as to the standpoint of me and a certain person I've been close to for many years, I felt the need to write this fic. It's pre-Rent, Mark/Maureen OC/OC with hints of Mark/Roger at the end if you want to see it that way. The OCs are Pippinn and Soks, though I won't be using Soks again after this. There's a lot of Roger/Pippinn and Mark/Pippinn friendship involved, which if you squint at it can been seen as Roger/Pippinn or Mark/Pippinn. It's sort of a final statement after everything that's happened, I guess. Lyrics are from Anthony Rapp's "Room To Breathe.
As usual, I own nothing. It's the creation of Jonathan Larson.
To days of inspiration...
Mark sighed, sitting next to Roger in the window sill of their loft. He stared out the window, scanning for Maureen. "She was supposed to be home an hour ago..." he mumbled. Roger shook his head, looking at him.
The door opened just then and Mark's head whipped around, but it was only their downstairs neighbor, Pippinn. "I think I know where she is, Mark," the blond girl spoke quietly.
Roger shook his head, looking back to the window. "We all do. You just won't admit it."
The camera man sighed. "I know, I know. I just... Never mind." He turned his gaze back to the street.
Roger looked up at Pippinn, meeting her eye across the room, and couldn't help but sigh. He stood up and crossed the room, hugging her and whispering in her ear, "It's gonna happen soon."
"I know," she responded, hugging him back before sitting on the couch.
"Anyway," Mark said after a few minutes. "What brings you up here?"
"It's cold down there. And lonely, since..."
"Since Soks left?" he finished for her.
She cringed, pulling her knees up to her chest. "Yeah, since Soks left."
Roger sighed, sitting next to her on the couch and letting her lean on him, getting comfortable. Out of his withdrawal stage, the man missed human contact, even though it scared him. Because the other musician was also HIV positive, he wasn't quite as worried for her.
Mark's gaze returned to the window once again, and he rested his head on the glass while he looked.
Just after this, Maureen walked in the door, smiling and rosy-cheeked. She bounced up to Mark, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek, and looked at Roger and Pippinn with a smile. "Well, don't you two look cosy?"
Roger rolled his eyes and Pippinn closed her own, leaning into him a little more. "Don't jump at it, Rog. Mark's got a long night ahead, might as well start her off in a good mood."
The man shrugged and nudged Pippinn to stand, heading toward his room. "You can stay with me tonight if you want. I've got the room," he said. She nodded and followed him, leaving Maureen and Mark alone.
Maureen was still all smiles, sitting on the window sill next to him. "What's wrong, pookie?" she asked.
He looked up at her with a sigh. "You were supposed to be here an hour ago, Maureen."
"You never care when I'm out late, I was just hanging out with the girls," she said, still happily.
He shook his head. "I'm not stupid, Mo. If you don't want to be with me, just say it."
"Mark, I love you. Of course I want to be with you."
"Then why are you always all over other people?" he asked, starting to get angry.
She just looked at him. "I'm not having this argument again." She stood up and started walking toward their room. "Are you coming to bed or not?" she asked.
He sighed, looking toward the door Roger and Pippinn were behind. "Coming, Maureen. Coming."
I still take you to the bed
But it's the you I face instead
Where I use every word I never said to crack you open
Pippinn laid down on Roger's bed after they heard Mark close the door, curling up into a ball. "I don't get why he stays. He's miserable," she said quietly.
Roger sighed, laying down next to her. "Why did you stay, Pip?" he asked. "The same reason he does. Despite everything, he loves her. And he won't see the obvious issues."
The girl turned over to look at the musician next to her. "You would think seeing what happened to me would make him think about that a little more," she muttered.
"Of course not," he said. "He won't look at others as examples because he thinks they're different."
The two fell silent for a few minutes, Roger putting an arm over Pippinn to attempt to warm the shivering girl, though heat wasn't really what she needed.
He sighed again. "Still withdrawing, huh?" he whispered.
She just laid there. "It's freezing. And that's not the point," she muttered after a few moments. "I feel like I did when she kept saying she should give up. That nauseous but not nauseous feeling is back."
Roger held her a little closer, trying to stop her shaking. "It's over now, Pip. She's gone."
"That just makes it worse..."
Pippinn sat on the piano bench angrily, strumming her guitar with all the emotion she was trying to get out. A dark-haired girl came into the room, looking at her from the doorway. "So you're not even going to talk to me about it," the girl said.
"You don't want to talk about it, Soks. You never really do. That's the point. I tell you, you get upset, you get everyone else mad at me, and I come off as a bitch when I made a simple mistake." She kept strumming as she talked, working over a lyric in her head.
"So it's my fault that everyone else is reacting that way?" Soks asked, an almost sarcastic tinge to her voice.
Pippinn stopped strumming for a moment, calming her voice. "You put the spin on it. They take your side because of the way you phrase it when you explain what happens. I tell you the truth about why I'm upset and then you get angry, tell them like I was being bitchy, and they instantly agree with you. That's not how things are supposed to go!"
Soks looked almost taken aback at Pippinn's words. "Maybe I should just go then, if this makes you that upset, since it happens every time."
The blond girl looked at her for a moment before sighing inwardly. "Look, Soks, I'm sorry, okay. I overreacted and it was stupid."
The brunette nodded, taking the apology at face value. She didn't notice that it didn't reach Pippinn's eyes.
Her shaking got a little harder when she started holding back tears.
Roger rubbed her back comfortingly, shushing her carefully. "It's okay, Pip, you're fine. You're doing fine."
There was barely room to breathe
Getting the skeptic to believe
That the goal wasn't to leave one of us broken
Mark sat in the Life Cafe the next day with Roger and Collins, drinking tea thanks to the anarchist. "So, man, what's going on with Mo?" Collins asked after a while of silence.
"Nothing. Still dating her. Nothing's changed," Mark replied, taking another sip of his drink.
Collins looked at Roger, who nodded. "Absolutely nothing, huh." He shook his head. "Didja know that before you, no one would date Mo? I mean, really date her. Like, be her boyfriend or whatever."
The filmmaker looked up, question in his eyes. "Why?"
"Because everyone gets pushed aside by her when they're just her friend, man. Think about it. Who stands out more than Mo? Who gets more attention? Who's hotter?" He sighed. "I don't know how you do it."
Mark stayed quiet, looking out the window. He could see flyers for Maureen's new upcoming protest, and there were actually several people looking at it. He sighed. "Neither do I, Collins. Neither do I."
If it's true nothing gets close to you for fear of melting down
Then I've become the chosen one, an example for the crowd
Mark sat in the loft, the sound of Maureen packing echoing in the silence. The girl came out after about a half an hour of finding her things and stood awkardly at the door. "I'm sorry, you know," she said quietly. "I love you, still."
Mark didn't even acknowledge hearing her, just looked at the wall in front of him. The girl sighed and picked up her bag, exiting the loft. Roger entered just after.
"Mark," he said quietly. The filmmaker looked up at him, his eyes blank. "Mark, I know you're upset. Let it out. You'll go crazy if you don't."
He just looked at the musician for a couple minutes before he felt tears start down his face. Roger wrapped his arms around his roommate, comforting him much like he had done for Pippinn through her withdrawal.
Several weeks later, Pippinn came running up the stairs, newspaper in hand. "Look who made the Village Voice!" she yelled out.
Mark came up, looking at the paper. It was a picture of Maureen, taken at her most recent protest. The caption underneath read Sokpoppet Productions. It was Soks' picture.
At first, the two were smiling. After realizing what they were seeing, they looked up at each other, their faces falling. They were moving on after all.
Your star is due for shooting and I'll be watching the night sky
In hopes by then what binds us has come untied
Pippinn sat in the Life Cafe with the others after Maureen's big protest, looking at Roger and Mimi off to the side. She hadn't seen Roger that happy since before April died, so she was happy for him. She sighed, looking down at her hands. Mark hadn't returned from the rally yet, which concerned her, but she was confident he'd be fine. The last time she'd really seen him film had been the gig with her and Roger, a few months before this rally.
Pippinn slammed the door behind her as she entered the loft they once shared, throwing her bag across the room. She walked over to the piano bench she constantly occupied and kicked it before sitting down, putting her head in her hands.
The girl sat that way for almost an hour before Soks came in. "Pippinn. Talk to me."
The blond looked up from her seat, rubbing her eyes. "What's there to talk about? I messed up by not being there for your show, right? So now they all think I blew you off to spend time with Roger again. Which, I'd just like to point out, I didn't do. I told you, I had planned the gig with Roger already. That's how things happen. I didn't get to the exhibit, but I've seen every single one of the pictures. Should I have blown the gig and not gotten the chance to meet the recording studio guys?"
"It's not about that, Pippinn," Soks said, angeringly calm. "It's about the fact that you said you'd be there and then you weren't."
"I told you! I told you when I got the gig that I wouldn't be able to go!"
"You never said a word to me."
It took all of her strength for Pippinn to not growl at the girl in front of her. "Even so! Doesn't mean you have to tell the rest of them that I blew you off just to be with Roger! I had a gig, Soks. I promised him. But apparently, my promises to him don't matter as much as my promises to you."
"You're dating me!"
"He's my best friend!" Pippinn shook her head. "Besides, it's not about that! It's about you making me out to be a bitch!"
Soks looked at the blond for another minute before speaking. "Listen, Pippinn. I love you, but maybe if you're acting this way, I should just give up."
"THEN GIVE UP AND STOP MAKING ME THINK WE CAN FIX THIS!" As soon as the words left her mouth, Pippinn regretted them.
Soks just stared at her for a moment before picking up her already packed bag. "Fine then. Goodbye, Pippinn."
Mark opened the door just then, drawing a smile from the girl. "Good, you're okay then," she laughed.
I'm the tune of a lesser band
Sea legs on dry land
Thinking how you forfeited your hand to keep us from winningMark sat in the office at the corporate headquarters of Buzzline. Across the desk was Alexi Darling, a woman he could hardly stand, and yet would soon be working with.
He sighed, passing her his newest reel. "That's the new segment, Alexi. Got the whole protest this time."
Alexi smiled wide, taking the footage carefully. "Nice job, Mark." She looked at the small frames of some of the shots, clearly pleased. "Keep filming her, she's good."
He nodded, looking at the window behind his boss. "I know, I know. I've done every protest since the one against our landlord."
"Well, this Maureen has something no one else does. She's rough and edgy. And she grabs your attention."
"Yes, Alexi. I've gotta go find out what her next one is, so I'll call when I know," he said, standing.
Alexi just nodded and watched him leave.
Outside the building, Mark could already see the flyers for Maureen's newest protest, this one against closing down the cheap corner market on Avenue A. It was obviously a worthwhile protest. That market was the one that the people in the loft could afford best. But it was looking like it would quickly become yet another riot, as all her protests had since the one against Benny.
He sighed when the girl came walking up to the people looking at the poster, a huge smile spread across her face. Joanne stood behind her, watching the ongoing scene with pride. To see Maureen succeeding made her happy.
Mark shook his head, turning in the direction of the loft, and started walking. As much as he was proud of her, he hated that she could easily stir a reaction in people. Though he was the one who filmed her, no one knew him, and he barely made the bills. She and Joanne made enough together to have a good apartment and heat.
Not that he minded the loft. He was happy there. His best friends and memories were there. Sometimes he just wished he could stir a reaction like her instead of falling under the radar.
I watch them orbiting around you now
Just like you showed them how
And you reach out like the hand of God, a tap should keep them spinning
Pippinn stood next to Mark, smiling up at his finished film. As it went on, clips showed of the group in the three lofts, out on the subway, in the Life. One in particular stuck in Pippinn's mind sorely, a clip of her last gig with Mute before she started withdrawal. It showed the girl and Roger onstage, then showed the old group in the crowd, minus Soks.
She looked down for a moment, losing attention as the night came back to her.
Pippinn stood backstage, pumped up for her gig. She took a long sip of the Absolut on the table in front of her and headed to the edge of the stage opening. Through it, she could see Collins and Mark. But no Soks.
The blond sighed, turning around to look at Roger. "It's been a week, Rog. A week since she left. No phone call, no note, nothing. Last time she was here, she came when I wasn't home and just took her stuff."
Roger sighed, putting an arm over the girl's shoulders. "You're fine, Pip. You wanted this, didn't you?"
Confused, she looked up at him. "What do you mean, I wanted this? Of course I didn't! She left me!"
He raised an eyebrow in confusion. "She said it was you..." Realization dawned on him after a moment. "That's what you guys always fought about."
Pippinn turned away from him for a moment, anger and hurt mixing on her face before she kicked the wall and turned back to him. "Of course it is. She always said you guys just chose to react the way you did. I knew it had to be more than that."
The band got the minute call and readied themselves to go out. "Without her to tell you what happened, let's see how you guys react." As they filed out onto the stage, Pippinn raised a hand, greeting the crowd. "What's going on, guys?" she spoke into the mic, her voice dropping a few notes as she readied herself for the first song. "To start it off, we're gonna do a song I wrote about a week ago, about an ongoing fight that finally led to her leaving."
The blond looked back at the screen, shaking herself back to reality. Soks hadn't told the rest of the group about the fight yet, just that she was leaving. When Pippinn told them what happened, they seemed shocked. It seemed that they had always been under the impression she was starting the fights. Without Soks there to tell them what happened, the group could look at the small bits Pippinn had actually caught on camera and tell what had happened in reality.
Pippinn sighed, leaning into Mark and smiling a bit as Angel came on the screen to end the film. "That was great, Mark," she said.
He smiled back, hugging her. "Thanks."
If it's true they flock to you without your shepherd's call
For a change just let them range and see how far you fall
Pippinn sat at her piano, staring at the keys in hopes that some form of inspiration would strike her again. She hadn't written a song in months, since right before that last gig. Giving up, she stood and walked up to the upper loft, sitting on the window sill next to Roger's untouched guitar. The musician was still down with Mimi, where he'd been for several months now.
She eyed the instrument for a couple minutes before picking it up and picking out a tune she'd started on years ago. As the notes echoed through the loft, Mark's door opened, revealing a surprised filmmaker. She could see his face fall a bit when he realized it was her and not the male musician, but he smiled nonetheless.
"It's nice to see you playing again," he said, walking over with a magazine in hand. "But I've gotta show you something."
The girl looked up at him, slightly confused, and took it from him, looking at the page. It was a close up of Maureen, doing a spread for the magazine. The photo was captioned, "Budding performance artist headed to a stage near you?" Once again, next to it was Sokpoppet Productions.
Pippinn sighed. "What are we missing, Mark?" she asked quietly.
He shrugged, sitting across from her on the window sill. "Whatever we missed when we were with them, I guess." He sighed, looking out the window. "Can we take it back yet?" he said, a hint of laughter in his tone despite the honesty of his words.
"Don't we wish."
Your star is due for shooting and I'll be watching the night sky
In hopes that soon what binds us has come untied
Can I take it back?
Can I take it back now?
Mark sat between Pippinn and Roger, a consoling arm around the latter of the two. Mimi had just passed away, and the funeral was hitting him even harder than April's had, given that he was completely sober this time around.
Pippinn turned around to see Soks in one of the pews toward the back. Surprise crossed her face. She hadn't realized that Soks had known Mimi at all. Quickly, Pippinn turned her eyes back toward the front, where it was getting to her turn to talk. She stood with a sigh and walked to the front, doing all in her power to keep from looking at Soks.
"I first met Mimi when I was scrounging for jobs and went to sing at the Cat Scratch one of the nights she was working. I remember I stuttered during the song when I saw her because I was surprised at how young she looked, how beautiful she was. She came over to me after, laughing a bit, and said I'd held up better than most of the singers did their first night in." At this point, her eyes met those of the girl across the room. She felt tears come into her eyes at this point. She hadn't expected to actually cry, since she never cried at funerals.
Taking a breath, she continued. "Mimi told me that no matter what happened, I wasn't supposed to give up. Ever word meant something to her. And when she told me to pay attention to everything, she didn't include herself in that. But I did."
Pippinn returned to where she'd been sitting, averting her gaze to the floor. She looked at Mark, who looked at her curiously when Roger stood up. As the man walked to the front, Mark leaned over and whispered, "What's up with the tears? You never cried at the funerals."
She took a shaky breath and gestured toward the back. "Someone unexpected is here, that's all."
It's what the loss of our friends brings
It's in the way you held my strings
It's in all the little things I can't help but doubt
A few months after Mimi's death, Pippinn had moved into the upstairs loft with Mark and Roger, and Collins had moved back in. Mark and Roger were sharing one room, Collins had the other, and Pippinn alternated between the couch and the window sill, whichever one she fell asleep on.
Roger had started playing again, this time working on new songs instead of playing Musetta's Waltz constantly. Pippinn started working with him again, though she got a job at Starbucks on top of that. The only benefit it brought, aside from money for rent, was that they got free coffee.
One day, Mark came out of his room to find Pippinn already gone and Roger sitting on the couch watching t.v. The filmmaker sat beside him, smiling at him before shifting his gaze to the screen.
There, in full color, was Maureen. Acting in a sitcom. Surprise found its way onto his face for a moment before the realization dawned on him. The last time he'd spoken to her, they'd fought over the fact that he wouldn't film her newest protest. A week later, she'd been signed to the show they were watching now. He'd seen the article about it, but been more concerned with the fact that Soks had taken the picture than that it was her.
Roger looked over at his roommate for a moment before changing the channel. He met Mark's eye and kept the gaze for a minute before speaking. "She was always cheating on you, you know," he said.
Mark sighed, nodding. "I know. It's just a bit depressing that as soon as I'm out of her life, she's this big star."
Roger nodded, putting his arm over Mark's shoulders and pulling him close. "It's her loss, Mark. She'd be lucky to still have you."
Sometimes I wish I'd never known
Just how brilliantly you shone
Right before you threw the stone to cast me out
It had been two years since Mimi's death, and Pippinn was still in the loft with the boys. Collins had moved out again, so she took his room, as Mark and Roger decided to keep sharing theirs. She came out of the loft one day to see Roger sitting on the window sill, yet again, strumming out a new tune.
She walked over to him and picked up the notebook near him, looking at the words written down. It was titled "Room to Breathe" and had an almost abrupt ending.
She started singing as he strummed, looking up when Mark came in the room and sat down behind Roger. Surprised at the words, he took the notebook Pippinn was reading from and read some of them before singing a bit himself.
As the song ended, Roger looked up at the two of them. "Whatcha think?" he asked gently.
Their faces were surprised, but showed the emotion in their eyes. It was a mix of thankfulness and remembrance.
He smiled, leaning back into Mark, who accepted his weight. "It was based on what you guys went through with Soks and Maureen."
They nodded. "I love it, Rog," Pippinn said quietly, looking down at the words. "And you've got a voice there, Mark."
He smiled. "Thanks," he responded. "Maybe we should sing it together?"
She looked at Roger, who nodded inconspicuously. "Yeah, we should."
Roger sat up then, shifting his guitar from his lap to rest on the wall between two of the windows. He turned a bit so he could see them both. "To moving on?"
They both smiled. "To moving on."
So that's it. I know, it kinda sucks. Just a little bit. But I needed to write it. Desperately. It was clawing at me, trying to fight its way from my stomach. I think, all things considered, it turned out well.
REVIEWS please! They make me a happy author!
There's only now, there's only here...