Preference
by
dilly r
Jedi are not supposed to have preferences. Everything is equal, so nothing is special. There is no preference, so there is no prejudice. Obi-Wan is aware of this. Some Jedi say a lack of preference is connected to all Jedi rules. Without preference there is no attachment, there are no possessions, there is no emotion because there is no want -- that's the theory.
Obi-Wan doesn't quite agree, but he nods agreeably when another Jedi brings up this theory. Partly because it is one of those old arguments that everyone is tired of, but someone always brings up, and partly because Obi-Wan knows he is guilty of preference.
For one thing, he'd prefer his Master not bring along every stray they come across. He'd prefer his Master not try to save everyone's soul. Yoda instructs that the larger picture is the one that matters, yet Qui-Gon picks out individuals and puts his focus and energy on helping them. The moment that Obi-Wan saw Jar Jar, he knew they'd picked up another one.
He'd also prefer not to leave his Master's side, despite all of his Master's annoying habits, such as the above mentioned and a multitude of others which Obi-Wan has become aware of over the years. When they land on Tatooine, he'd rather go with Qui-Gon than stay on the ship. Intellectually, he is aware that he must stay and protect the Queen, so he doesn't ask to come. He tries to hide the desire completely, but Qui-Gon is terse with him and seems to be avoiding eye contact, so Obi-Wan knows that he has not successfully hidden the emotion.
When Obi-Wan meets Anakin the first time, he doesn't like him. When Qui-Gon asks the council, without warning, to take Anakin as a Padawan, Obi-Wan stares at the side of his Master's face and tries to mentally will him to stop speaking. To take it back. To agree to pretend that he'd never asked. In fact, Obi-Wan would prefer it if Qui-Gon would instead throw Anakin out of a Temple window or at least put him on a ship back to Tatooine. Or, if Qui-Gon would at least request that someone else train Anakin. Someone without a Padawan.
Though, Obi-Wan is perfectly aware that Qui-Gon fits that description -- he doesn't have a Padawan anymore. As they are talking outside of the council room, Obi-Wan can already tell that it's different.
Obi-Wan would prefer it if things would simply stay the same, but he knows that is the most ridiculous of preferences. Perhaps it is even dangerous. As he feels the distance between himself and Qui-Gon growing, as he watches Qui-Gon kneel to touch Anakin's shoulder and speak to him softly, he wills himself to accept the change as good. It is good. He knows it's good. Qui-Gon looks happier. There is a light in his eyes that Obi-Wan, if he's honest with himself, has never seen there before.
Obi-Wan realizes that his Master -- his former Master -- is also guilty of preference.
End