I.
She circles the block twice talking herself out of and back into going; sits in the car ten minutes before she works up the nerve to walk inside. She's not part of their group, not really; she isn't sure she wants to be. The one thing she is sure of is that she doesn't want to be alone.
She's greeted by silence; shock at her sudden appearance. She shifts awkwardly on her feet and tries to justify herself to people who don't like her; probably won't ever like her.
"Scotty invited me." Scotty stands at the mention of his name, smiling at her; he waves her over, his eagerness and intent obvious.
"Hey, have a seat," he tells her, offering his own next to Lilly. She takes it and thanks him, shrugging out of her jacket; ignoring how her knee brushes against Lilly's leg. Later, when she thinks about that night, wondering how she ended up fucked and still alone, she'll realize that was the catalyst.
"Glad you made it tonight," Scotty continues, hovering next to her. She can't think of a way to tell him she isn't looking for small talk, so she just smiles and pretends to be interested. When he offers to buy her a drink, she agrees without hesitating because if she's drinking, she doesn't have to talk, and if she's drunk, she doesn't have to think.
Her gaze settles on Lilly, who's smiling like she's not damaged; Josie knows better than to believe it. She hasn't known Lilly long - hardly knows her at all - but she recognizes the lingering sadness behind the light eyes; recognizes something darker behind that. She knows what it's like to lie to yourself because it's the only way you can get by; she knows why women like Lilly become cops.
"Hey Scotty," Vera hollers from the other side of the room, "stop rubbing up against the new girl and c'mere for a minute." Scotty sighs and brings a hand to Josie's shoulder; she'd flinch if she wasn't already halfway numb.
"You mind?"
"Not at all," Josie responds absently, swirling what's left of her drink around, before downing it in a final gulp.
"Don't mind Vera," Lilly says, amused as she watches him scowl at Josie from across the bar. "He's got a crush on you." Josie scoffs and her lips curl up at the corners, and Lilly isn't sure if she's intrigued or repulsed.
"Vera's not my type."
"No?" Lilly asks, feigning surprise to goad her. Josie hesitates; the ice clinking in her glass reminds her to stop thinking; reminds her of why she's there instead of her empty apartment. She glances sideways at Lilly who's idly circling the tip of her beer with her middle finger, and decides to play.
"I like them younger."
"Scotty?" Lilly offers, cocking her head to where he's standing.
"Blonder," Josie adds; she isn't looking at Lilly anymore.
"Me too." Lilly picks up her beer, delicate fingers curling around the bottleneck; she fleetingly wonders if Josie's counting ice cubes because she's been staring down there for the last thirty seconds, but Josie has one more thing to say and when her eyes finally meet Lilly's, they don't waver.
"And female."
Lilly laughs and the rim of the bottle is nearly pressed to her lips as her mouth forms a crooked smile. Her eyebrows shoot up quickly and the words are loaded before they're washed down by a mouthful of alcohol and Josie isn't sure if she really heard anything at all.
"Me too."
II.
"I pulled your file," Lilly breathes against her neck. It's morning and they've been working all night and screwing in the observation room seems like a better idea than going home.
"Why?" Josie asks sharply even though she doesn't really care because Lilly's hand is working its way between her legs.
"Because I wanted to know who I'm fucking." Josie laughs because it's the last thing she expects and Lilly must not be so amused because her teeth sink into Josie's shoulder too harshly to be confused with foreplay.
"Did you find what you wanted?" Josie struggles against Lilly's grip because Lilly seems to like that. With a throaty chuckle, Lilly lifts her head and her answer is a low hiss in Josie's ear.
"Nothing I didn't already know."
III.
The windows rattle when Lilly slams the door to Stillman's office.
"If you have a problem with the way I'm handling my investigation, you take it up with me." Her eyes flare and Josie is used to being on the receiving end because a lot of things piss Lilly off lately. Or rather, she pisses off Lilly a lot lately.
"We're all on the same side here."
"You went behind my back," Lilly snaps. "Is that your idea of teamwork?"
"What does it matter?" Josie shrugs. "It's closed now. Pick another and move on." Lilly shakes her head until her hair falls into her eyes and she tucks it behind her ear.
"I've been doing this a little longer than you have."
"Then you should know better than to let these cases affect you," Josie counters with a raised brow and she can see the change on Lilly's face.
"You have a lot of friends in high places, don't you?" Lilly asks with a laugh and Josie isn't sure what Lilly is accusing her of yet. "Did you fuck them too?"
"I earned my badge and my place on this squad, same as you."
"We're not the same," Lilly scoffs, even though they are.
IV.
There's nothing misleading about the way Lilly shoves her against the door; nothing mistakenly romantic about the vulgarities hissed in her ear. They never spend the night together, never share more than a few sentences before it gets quiet and Lilly seems like she'd rather do anything but stick around.
When they're finished, Lilly heads to the sink to wash her hands and Josie stares dumbly at her reflection.
"Do you have a brush or anything?" she asks suddenly, running her hand over the top of her head; trying to smooth the loose hairs back into place. Lilly smirks and meets Josie's eyes in the mirror.
"Does it look like I do?" Josie frowns at the sarcasm and thinks she should've known better than to ask because no, it doesn't look like it.
"It'd be nice if at least one of us could walk out of her without looking like they just fucked in the bathroom. On duty."
As Lilly dries her hands, she gives Josie a look that says fuck you even as other words leave her smiling lips.
"You focus on that. I'm gonna grab some coffee." Josie sighs; Lilly is suddenly exasperating - or always has been and Josie just never pays attention to that when they're fucking.
"Don't you care what anyone around here thinks?"
"I do, but they already like me." Josie's eyes narrow and that fuck you look is back. "Besides," Lilly tosses over her shoulder as she's on her way out the door and the discussion is over, "if I walk out there with perfect hair, they'll know something's up."
V.
They don't look at her differently now that the news is out. She's still the unwanted new girl with a penchant for fucking coworkers. Lilly is still the golden girl of the squad and there's no room there for another so Josie can stop trying so hard to fit in.
She sees the way Lilly looks at Scotty and even if it isn't love, it's affection and she knows Lilly would be jealous if she fucked him and that's enough to get her out of the car and into Jones Tavern the next Thursday.