A/N: OK, more exploration of the endlessly funny possibilities of being married to someone who can look like whatever they want… not THOSE possibilities. Honestly.
The newlywed Remus and Nymphadora Lupin sat in the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld place, an hour early for an Order meeting. They were discussing a topic that had come up the previous night, when Dora had decided to experiment with different shapes at intimate moments, and had an identity crisis.
"Really, Dora," Remus said, stroking her spiky pink hair, "it doesn't matter in the least what you look like. You're always you. Even if you looked like Molly Weasley or Fleur Delacour or, I don't know, Kingsley Shacklebolt. Though female. Let's not get any notions." Privately, he felt he was the one who should be worried: while in a different shape, Tonk could conceivable cheat on him with anyone and never be caught.
Tonks looked at him skeptically, slowly changing her form until she was, indeed, the spitting image of Molly Weasley.
"You still love me now?" she said, pouting in a very Tonks-like way.
"Of course!" Remus smiled at her and kissed her on the lips.
Unfortunately, Ron chose that moment to apparate into the kitchen, followed by Arthur.
"MUM?!" Ron fainted.
Arthur did not hesitate. He walked up to Lupin, drew his fist back, and punched him hard enough that Remus soon followed Ron into unconsciousness.
Only then did he take a look at 'Molly,' who had now turned back into a horrified-looking pink-haired Tonks.
"Oops."
Once Remus woke up and Tonks repaired his broken nose, they decided that really, there was tremendous comic potential in the situation.
"Oh, Kingsley won't be coming until after the meeting," Arthur told them. "He's with the Muggle Prime Minister at a Press Conference for the fellytision or something."
Remus and Tonks looked at each other. Slowly, Tonks' form shifted, her hair sucked into her scalp, and her skin darkened until she became the spitting image of Kingsley Shacklebolt, distinguished Auror, who just happened to be wearing a tight pink t-shirt and ripped jeans.
She let Ron take a lot of pictures, posing as 'extremely gay Kingsley,' sometimes with the rest of the Order. She did a striptease, kissed her husband, and grew what looked like a terrible platinum-blond wig. Now she would certainly have something to wave in his face when he berated her for late reports.
It was all in good fun, though.
Until, that is, a few minutes after the meeting, when Tonks left to go to the bathroom, and Remus, entering the dim vestibule, spotted her, in Kingsley form, passionately snogging Mad-Eye Moody.
He saw red.
He ran up to her, grabbed her by the shoulder, and ripped her away from the retired Auror.
"What is the meaning of this?" he raged, so upset he couldn't see straight.
If he could have seen, he might have noticed Kingsley's single earring, and realized that metamorphmagi could not, in fact, morph jewelery.
Mad-Eye whipped out his wand. "What are ye, homophobic?" he growled.
"Really, you have no call to behave this way," Kingsley said in his deep, slow voice.
"Remus?" called Tonks cheerfully, from the other room.
This time, it was Remus who fainted.
Mad-Eye and Kingsley looked down at his supine body, shrugged, and went back to snogging.
When Tonks walked in on them in search of Remus, she decided that her blackmail pictures had so little on reality that they were pretty much worthless.
Tonks kind of liked the humor of the situations she had caused, though, even if they had twice resulted in Remus being rendered unconscious. So, for the next month, Remus found himself waking up to the faces (and naked bodies) of, variously: Dolores Umbridge, Professor McGonagall, Ron Weasley and Severus Snape.
Which is the real reason he walked out on Tonks. And to think, he'd thought it was his condition that was the problem.