A/N: This is an A/Uish fic, which in this case means that I bent my usual 'respect the canon' rule in favor of 'respect the character(s). You are warned.

Disclaimer: This story is neither created nor endorsed by Mirage. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles®, including Raphael®, Michaelangelo®, Leonardo®, Donatello®, and April O'Neil® are registered trademarks of Mirage Studios USA. Bitter Redemption itself is fan domain and may be freely recopied and archived. Also, anyone interested in running with the idea, adding the Turtles' POV, etc is welcome to do so.

X X X

Bitter Redemption
by Tripleguess
24th October 2005

CHAPTER ONE

She woke early, as always, and lay for a moment in the still predawn darkness. The covers were warm, the cushion soft, but inside she felt cold... colder than usual, even. Starlight glimmered faintly off the twin blades beside her futon, and she felt anew the constant gnawing of unfulfilled duty. She threw off the blankets, anxious as always to appease that call. Maybe today, she could prove herself -- maybe today he would see...

She dressed swiftly, stealing a moment to check under her bureau as she stooped to retrieve a dropped headband. Her secret was still there, nestled among dust mice and carpet fuzz. She glanced guiltily over her shoulder, as though the walls of her room could accuse her, remembering just how the secret had come to be there.

The Master had sent her into the streets below once, instructing her to acquaint herself with the area on foot. She suspected that he'd also wanted her out of the way during one of his "legitimate" business meetings, but nonetheless she'd enjoyed the outing thoroughly.

She'd bought coffee and doughnuts at a sidewalk cafe, eating slowly while she watched traffic and people go by, reveling in the heady sensation of being completely alone -- no shadows, no bodyguards; no spying eyes. She watched one couple tenderly spoon-feeding their infant child, aching for a kind of bond totally alien to her experience.

She'd drifted through clothing stores in a mall, wistfully fingering pretty dresses she'd never be allowed to wear. Her workwear was strictly businesslike or seductive, as the Master deemed fit, and work was her life; there was no time or place for innocent beauty.

She'd even gone to the mall's movie theater, telling herself it was cultural research. She smiled as she brushed her hair, remembering how she'd stood in awe of the endless poster parade, finally choosing a movie whose poster showed a sword-wielding woman with long dark hair. It had felt strange to eat food so informally, in the dark where no one would notice if she spilled. Loose popcorn, she'd learned, didn't go far, but Skittle candies could roll all the way down to the viewscreen.

The secret, though, had been an afterthought. She'd passed a bargain rack outside an electronics store, and one of the game covers had caught her eye. It was a re-release of a classic Japanese role-playing game which just happened to be compatible with an older gaming system -- also on sale. She remembered hesitating, weighing the strange but undeniable impulse against an almost irrational fear of discovery before buying them both with the cash intended for a taxi ride home.

Ever since then, she'd been working through the game-story in stolen moments, reveling childishly in the complicated plot, then unplugging the Nintendo and stowing it away under the bureau afterwards. It shouldn't matter if anyone knew, and yet she shielded it as though her sanity depended on it. The Master mustn't know she kept anything secret, no matter how small. He might think she was frivolous, undependable. She couldn't bear to think of losing his approval. She was already on uncertain grounds.

She pulled on her boots and tried to bury the thought, but it resurfaced stubbornly, trailing a string of related concepts with it. She'd always been on thin ice with the Master -- she just hadn't known it until she began serving him in person. From oceans away she'd been able to project unconditional acceptance into his silences. She checked her appearance in the wallside mirror, trying to ignore the ever-deepening ache in her heart. Now...

Now she needed to get to work. She locked her room behind her and slammed mental doors on that line of thought, unwilling to face the creeping suspicions that were undermining the very foundations of her world. Today would be different. Today she would prove herself worthy. Today...

"You can trust my brother implicitly."

She shook the stray game quote off and headed for the command room, bracing herself for her daily encounter with Baxtar's annoying assistant. She would have liked to avoid passing his desk altogether, but that meant taking two hallways and a staircase out of her way to enter rather obviously on the opposite side of the room. She preferred bearing the annoyance to letting anyone know how much she dreaded it.

He looked up and smiled puppyishly as she entered. "Good morning, Karai. My, you look schway."

She felt her jaw tighten but forced her expression to remain carefully neutral. She sketched a bow so shallow as to be borderline rude, knowing from experience that he would take any reply as an invitation to converse. Saki was on the far side of the room, discussing a viewscreen's contents with Hun. She changed course slightly, angling towards the Foot shogun and away from the programmer's desk.

"Karai, wait."

She groaned silently. Too little, too late. Maybe she could have taken the staircase, just once. A trip to the ladies' room -- the view out the far window --

Chaplin leaned over his desk to shove a disc into her hands. "I think you should see this," he said conspiratorially.

She almost flipped it into a nearby trash bin, but Hun was looking over. Her body blocked the disc from his view, but he would see it if she threw it away. She had no idea what was on it, be it smarmy love notes or incriminating evidence. Either way, she'd prefer the human behemoth didn't dig it back out and look for himself.

Ignoring Chaplin's hopeful gaze, she slid the disc into her tunic without breaking stride. There'd be time to get rid of it later.

Snippets of conversation drifted over as she made her way to Saki. "I tell you the brothers are one. We must treat them as such."

Her heart sank. No, please, anything but that. Sentinel duty on a cold, rainy night. Crowd control at a Dragon event. Sitting opposite Chaplin through a three-hour meeting --

"Karai. Just in time." Saki turned back to Hun without missing a beat. "Destroy one, and we destroy them all. The cord will unravel, and those left will fall."

"Are you sure she can be depended upon?" Hun objected. "Why not give such a vital assignment to a more loyal agent?"

The accusation stung to the quick. She bit her lips and said nothing, though her eyes narrowed.

"It is not as though you could play the part," Shredder said dryly. "Besides, I have something more important for you to do."

He turned to the viewscreen, and she saw that it was a diagram of the Empire State building. She had stood atop it once, wind screaming through her hair while asphalt depths yawned below.

"You, Karai, will conceal yourself here." Saki began pointing. "Opposite this railing. Hun and his Dragons, here. They will commandeer the top of the building tomorrow night, and --"

"But will they not call the police?" she objected.

"I am counting on that." Saki smiled. "They will dangle hostages to ensure that the law enforcers are not so foolish as to fire upon them."

Karai suppressed a shudder. All for the greater good...

"While the softhearted officers hesitate, Hun, you and your Dragons will arm the bomb and demand ransom."

Hun nodded, obviously having been filled in on the details before.

Saki looked well-satisfied. "Under cover of darkness, the turtles will be bold enough to venture out -- especially for a threat of this magnitude. I have no doubt that the police scanners will draw them in like a moth to the flame."

Karai wanted to ask what all this had to do with her, but had a sinking feeling she'd find out soon enough.

"You, Karai..."

No, no, don't make me...

"You will emerge and pretend to oppose Hun." Saki smiled at her surprised reaction. It was not a nice smile. "Yes, my dear. Make it good. Go on about innocent lives and honor..."

She dropped her eyes. "I don't think anyone would believe that from me." And I'm afraid that they would.

"You can do this, Karai." His voice warmed suddenly. "I know you will not fail me."

She looked up fleetingly, torn, hungry for his praise but afraid of it, too; afraid of what it would cost her to earn it. "I will try, Master," she heard herself say eagerly.

"I know you will," he said soothingly. "During the course of the argument, Hun will shove you over the railing -- not so hard that you actually fall, but convincingly enough to bring the Turtles to your aid when you cry out."

Hun smirked. "With pleasure, Master."

Karai wondered how Hun's jealousy of her could have escaped the Master so completely. She'd be lucky if her rival didn't throw her over bodily. But anything -- any fall -- for her Master's approval --

"And you, Karai." Saki looked at her. Hard. "Whichever turtle comes to your aid... I want you to kill him. It doesn't matter which. Strike him when he least expects."

She felt her spirit shriveling. She felt as though she should speak, but his gaze forbade objection. Forbade being.

"Do you understand, Karai?"

"I..."

"Karai!"

She flinched, the harsh tone burning like a whip. He had her by the throat. If his approval was life, his displeasure was annihilation.

"I understand, Master."

X X X

She completed her monitoring duties in a daze. Normally it would have been a seething irritation to have the programmer making eyes and bothering her all shift, but today she was oblivious to him. To all.

She couldn't. She must. She couldn't --

The two thoughts chased each other around inside her head, whirling faster and faster until she felt like screaming. It was a struggle not to bolt upstairs after her shift was over, but she felt Saki's eyes boring into her back and forced herself to move casually. The few strides between her desk and the door felt like acres. She must. She couldn't. She must --

The door closed behind her, but she rode her bolting impulse even harder. There were eyes everywhere in the tower.

It was with immense relief that she closed her door behind her. She shoved the bolt home and slid down against the wall, cradling her head in her hands. Her chest constricted until she almost felt like wheezing. In the silence, her thoughts whirled even faster. She'd hoped it would never come to this. That she would never have to make the inevitable choice. She couldn't. She must. She couldn't --

Desperate for a distraction, she dragged herself to the bureau and pulled the Nintendo out. As she leaned over to plug it in, Chaplin's disc dropped out of her tunic. She slid it tiredly aside, too stressed to want to think about it one way or another.

She lost herself in the story, trekking over deserts with kings and thieves to Imperial dungeons, where she rescued a brave and noble general who had defected from the service of her evil King.

"Traitor."

"How can you serve them?"

She flinched again, then berated herself. There were no parallels. It didn't matter if the general had revolted against an evil overlord. It didn't matter if she carried a sword. Game warriors had nothing to say to her, a living and breathing person. Nothing. I must. Nothing. I can't...

She threw the controller down and ran to her private exercise room, training ferociously until weariness overtook her. She was crawling into bed when a reflection from the carpet caught her eye.

Oh. Chaplin's disc. She'd better dispose of it before she forgot.

She picked it up, held it over the trash... hesitated. Maybe -- just maybe, looking at the contents would make her angry enough to drive the other thoughts out of her mind. Maybe it would drive out these other thoughts long enough to keep her from dreaming about them in darkness.

Angry with herself for stooping so low, she popped the disc into her computer and began to read.

X X X

The Master called her very early next morning, but it didn't matter. She was already awake.

"Karai, my dear," he said concernedly as she walked into his private suite. "You don't look well. Are you sure you are ready for tonight's mission?"

She braced herself, buried warring revulsions far beneath thought or seeing, and bowed very low. A ninja never permitted emotions to interfere with duty. "I am prepared to do what I must, Master."

"I am pleased to hear it," he said approvingly. "Do well, and I will personally reward you."

With Leonardo's head on a platter, perhaps?

"I will do well."

He sent her on another familiarization run, this time on and around the Empire State Building. She did not dream of stopping at the mall. Eyes were following her all the way. She knew it. She sensed it. He wanted to see if she would try to warn the Turtles. He wanted to see if she'd really understood.

She understood.

So she familiarized herself. The ascent was not nearly high enough to lift her out of the blackness within. She walked obediently up the long stairs, noted the elevators... gazed over the railing into a dark and frightening fall, the magnitude of which chilled the depths of her soul. She'd done many things for the Master, committed many questionable acts, but never this. Never murder.

She couldn't.

She must.

It was evening before she returned. She bent her will to her bidding with an effort and went in search of Baxter's assistant, finding him in the lab, hunched over a microscope. He was alone.

He looked up in surprise when she called him, and well he might. Never once had she spoken to him voluntarily. Now, though, she drew close and smiled at him. He smiled back hopefully, though a little bewildered by his good luck.

"M-- Mistress Karai, you look -- I mean, not terrible, of course you never look terrible, but uh, you look a, er, a little pale --"

Understatement. Her complexion was ashen. Having one's world fall apart could do that.

Focus.

"Thank you for the disc," she said quietly.

"Oh, it was no problem," he gushed. "No problem at all. I mean, I knew you might like to see whatever was on it cause I always download whatever my employer has on me especially if it's under mega security and it's always good to know where things might be coming from and -- and all that, you know?"

"Yes, of course," she managed to interject when he ran out of air. "Have you... shown that information to... to anyone else?"

"Of course not." He looked shocked. "I, uh, didn't even look at it myself."

"You mean, you cannot read Japanese?"

"N-- eh, I mean, I wouldn't --"

Liar. Of course he'd looked. Bilingual he was probably not, but he certainly knew how to run translation software. She'd take care of that later. What she needed now was damage control.

"I would prefer..." She stopped and tried again. "I would be... very grateful... if you would keep it, as you say, under wraps." She tried her best promise-them-the-moon coy smile. He melted like butter in a saucepan.

"You can count on me, K- uh, Mistress Karai."

Moron. Manipulating him would be almost too easy if it weren't so repulsive.

"Thank you..." She unclenched her teeth with an effort. "...Chaplin."